Randomness

Mr cheeks birthday party was at grandma ---'s sunday....he saw a picture of you 'n' me and said that's uncle ----....i said yah, he asked do you miss him, i said heck yeah i do and he said 'i do too'

the week before that i was wearing your grizzly mt. sweatshirt and he saw the helicopter and said hey that looks like uncle -----'s helicopter, i said it was your helicopter, 33KA, he just said oh

----- told me her prediction was that i would never be with anyone else ever again. she didn't say it in a bad way....just that she knew the love we had and she knows how much i loved you.....love like that doesn't come around everyday. so she meant it like you were my 'one love'

------ pulled me into his office today and questioned me on my future. i told him i still have that passion for basketball, so i don't want to close that door yet and also i wanted to venture out of fire if the right opportunity came up.

i think i get laid off next week....i'm really, really ready. i need time to take all this in and focus on trying to get my mind right. i'm so wishy-washy and rollercoastery right now.

i got an email from larry (in alaska)...remember him from that conference i had to go to in ---? he invited me to baja with his family.....i don't know honey. i'm really trying to save my money....i just have a feeling i'm gonna be needing it. maybe to put a down payment on a house, maybe to pay for an attorney for the property.....who knows....i just have a feeling. and you know me being around other people....not too comfortable. you were the only one i ever felt safe with and completely comfortable ..... ever in my whole life. so being around new people for a couple weeks like that would be kind of uncomfortable....nawmeen. i thought about going and it would replace our honeymoon, but 'nah....maybe i'll just go to AZ instead or something??

gonna go now. in case you never knew ... what am i saying .... of course you knew, but what i was gonna say is i always put you on a pedestal. you were my life. you meant the world to me. you were the most amazing person ever in this whole wide world. i swear you were my angel....you were heavenly you were so perfect. i idolized you....i respected you. i cherished you....my world and life revolved around you. you have my heart always.... until we meet again....so much love, your baby girl.

Glass Of Milk

You'll like this!

GLASS  OF MILK

One  day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way 
through  school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. 

He  decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his 
nerve  when a lovely young woman opened the door. 

Instead of a meal he asked  for a drink of water. She thought he looked 
hungry so brought him a large glass  of milk. He drank it so slowly, and then 
asked, "How much do I owe you?"  

"You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to  
accept pay for a kindness." 

He said .. "Then I thank you from the bottom  of my heart." 

As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger  physically, but 
his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to  give up and 
quit.. 

Many year's later that same young woman became  critically ill. The local 
doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big  city, where they called 
in specialists to study her rare disease. 

Dr.  Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name 
of the  town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. 

Immediately he rose  and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. 

Dressed in his  doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at 
once. 

He went  back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her 
life. From  that day he gave special attention to her case. 

After a long struggle,  the battle was won. 

Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the  final bill to him for 
approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the  edge and the bill was 
sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure  it would take the 
rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and  something caught 
her 
attention on the side of the bill. She read these words ..  "Paid in full 
with one glass of milk" 

(Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.  

Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You God,  
that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and hands." 

There's  a saying which goes something like this: Bread cast on the waters 
comes back to  you. The good deed you do today may benefit yo u or someone you 
love at the  least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least you 
will have made  the world a better place - And, after all, isn't that what 
life is all about?!  

Confused

Confused, probably the best way to describe my emotions right now. You're in Heaven, you see it all. You know what's going on....you know why I'm confused. Please understand my confusion and if I make mistakes. I love you honey, more than life itself. My mind is a mess, I'm so lost without you. I don't know what I want.

I am still in such shock. I can't believe I will never see you again in this lifetime. I will be without you forever. I hate this, I absolutely hate this. I would give anything, I mean it, anything, to be with you again. I miss you so terribly. I hate everyday. I really do. I hate getting up everyday, yet I hate going to bed every night. I don't know if it's because I have to get up and face another day or what. But I'm so tired of each and everyday. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life now. I hate work, I'm tired of everyone I work with and I don't want to see any of their faces again. I wish I was independently wealthy and I could just quit and go do something else. Anything. I'm so lost. I really do hate everyday. We are all so lucky I am a Catholic and I believe I would go to hell if I committed suicide cuz I want to die so I can be with you sooo bad. There is nothing worthwhile for me on this earth. My family, but I'm so depressed even with them in my life. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but all I want is you. I know I would hurt my family so much if something happened to me, so I don't want to die for that reason. Other than that I would have a hard time staying strong and convincing myself to stay alive. Those two reasons, my family and I want to go to Heaven are the only reasons I am still here. I can't put into words how lonely I am without you and how bad it hurts to think of everyday without you. How bad it hurts to think I will never see you on this earth while I live, not tonight, not tomorrow morning, not in 2 weeks, not next month, not next year, not in a few years.....never. I can't believe that. How could this happen? Why did this have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? Why did God even bring you into my life if he knew he was going to do this? Why has he chosen to be so cruel to me? Why has he brought such pain, anger, confusion, sadness, hurt into my life? I hate this, I don't want this. I don't want this life. I don't care if I'm weak and unable to handle this. I never asked for this. All I wanted was to find someone beautiful like you and live a beautiful life. This doesn't happen to anyone I know. Why me? You have brought such pain into my life. I'm afraid this is never ending. I will never be the same. No one can tell me I will ever find anyone as good as you. I will always compare anyone and everyone to you. That's not fair to anyone, but I can't see how I wouldn't. You were so perfect. That is the honest to God truth. You were perfect. I can barely look at your picture, it hurts me so deep, to the bone. It makes me sick to think of how beautiful our relationship was and how there is nothing now. I have the biggest void in my soul now. I am scarred for life. You have my heart, leaving me with a soul that's damaged forever. I hate that I am so negative, sad and depressed, yet I do everything that "they" say to do. I exercise, I hang around friends, I eat somewhat right, I used to sleep ok, I work, I have hobbies, I get out and about, I'm spiritual. What the fuck else am I supposed to do? I do all that shit and I'm still sad as hell. I don't know what else to do. I hate being like this, I absolutely hate it. Why do you think I want to escape all this......cuz it hurts so bad and I want to be with you. I wish I could make this pain stop. I wish I didn't think of you all day. The saddest thing that I hate to admit to, is lately I wish I never met you. If I would've never met you, I would never be going through any of this pain and heartache. I wouldn't have to deal with finding some dumb ass attorney for the property. I wouldn't have to deal with ----, ----- and -----...trying to be someone for them. Feeling guilty cuz I don't call enough or do enough for them.....cuz I can't replace their dad. I wouldn't have known that there is a life out there so amazing compared to what I led before I met you and what I lead now. I wouldn't have to worry about your mom and dad, worry if I call them enough.....calling them anyway and pretending I'm doing ok when really it's the end of the world for me. Calling them and not knowing what to say. I wouldn't have to deal with your car parts and Charger. I wouldn't have a pit in my gut every time someone talked about weddings, funerals, wedding gifts, anniversaries, dating, boyfriends, girlfriends, living together, seeing cars that looked like yours, pickups like the red one you drove, your pilots rig, your moms black one. I wouldn't have a pit in my stomach every time I saw or heard a helicopter, a camper trailer in an RV park, a logger, every time a fire fighter dies, every time a helicopter wrecks, every time a pilot dies, every time I see a St. Bernard, every time I think of your mom, dad, daughters, every time I make the property payment, every time I drive by anywhere we ever went, any property we ever thought of buying, every new house being built, every time I drive somewhere all by myself, every time I drive to -----. I wouldn't have a pit in my stomach every time I wake up, look at your picture, take a shower, see your toothbrush, see you shampoo, see your shaving cream. Every time I check my messages, look at my cell phone, check my email. I could go on and on forever, but you are ALWAYS there, I can't get rid of you and your memories. They don't go away. I dream of you, actually looking for you. I'm always looking for you and I can never find you. I know you're there but I never see or find you and I want to soooo bad. I'm almost frantic looking for you. I just wish I could stop crying and be back to a normal state. I can't handle all I go through sometimes. I just want to lay here and do nothing except watch the time pass. I want it to pass so fast, I want to get to the point to where I never remember you or at least when I do remember you it doesn't hurt. Please tell me someday this will stop hurting. I miss you so much honey. I need you, I really do, my heart is broken as is my spirit. Please let God take me. I need you honey, please help me. I love you forever. xoxoxox your baby girl.

"THE ONE"

I can't stop crying....I miss you so much. I think of all the things we used to do together. Just little things....hanging out at your house, hanging out at mine...driving together, trips together. I just think of the most random things and moments. I miss those times so bad. I know I'll never experience anything like that...or anything like you ever again in my whole life. Guess that's what makes it sad. I think I'm coming to grips with you were 'the one'. There really won't be another for me. I knew the moment I met you, you were 'the one'. The thing that people don't get is 'the one' is singular, meaning it's only once. In this case, once in a lifetime. When it comes to relationships and people say 'the one', that means they found their one person that they're supposed to spend the rest of their life with. So I did it, I found you. It really sucks I had to lose you too, but at least I found you. I know that because you were the one, there will never be another. I can come to grips with that because I was cool with living the rest of my life by myself before I ever met you....I was comfortable with that before, so I can be again. I really don't want anyone for the rest of my life anyway. I only want you. No one can even come close to you....there's no use in trying or being desperate. I want to wait for you. I want you to be the only one for the rest of my life. I will wait for you. I don't have a problem with that. I am so in love with you, I will do whatever I have to. I will be faithful to you, I promise. We will be together again. You are 'the one' so that means I'm with you forever, even if I'm here and you're there, we are still together. We were supposed to be joined as one and in my mind we already were, we just never had the official ceremony to say we were. You have my heart, like I wrote to you earlier. You will always have it. I will go on, always looking forward to that day when we will be reunited again. I love you more than anything ever in my whole life. You are my only true love ever, I love you honey. So, so much. Your baby girl. xoxoxox

I Want You Back

I want you back so bad. It's so hard to think that I had my only true love - and you've come and gone. You were my one for my whole life. Knowing I have to get used to this life alone and most importantly with no hope of ever having anyone in my life ever again. At least before I met you, I was content....either someone will come along or they won't and I'll be fine for the rest of my life. But now there's no choice....you came along and now you're gone. I have no choice in this matter anymore, I am alone for the rest of my life. You were the one. I have to come to grips with being alone without you for the rest of my life. That's just some of the reason why this is so hard.

So many things still remind me of you....all day, every day. I guess I'm just getting tired of writing about all of them to you. It's the same every day. I look at cards when I go to town just cuz I wanna buy you one and send it to you, to let you know how much I love you and how absolutely beautiful you are. But I just look at them. We should be going to the Caribbean Islands right about now (Oct./Nov.) for our honeymoon. What the hell, honey, I'm supposed to be married right now. Look at me, look at my life. I'm in some lame job, living in ---- all by myself. I know there's a reason...I don't question it. It's God. I just read the other day (I wish I copied the quote), that God only tests those that are following in his footsteps....just like he did with Jesus. So that means I'm doing damn well cuz he's tested me a lot in this life.

I'm excited to get laid off. I have a lot of catholic books I'd like to read. I just wanna read and read and read. I still think of giving it all up and becoming a nun. Or some religious person. I just want a religious simple life. Really what I want is you by my side....so, so bad. I am full of so much pain without you in my life. I want you back honey. I'm mainly afraid that I will have to wait a long, long time to see you again. When all I want is to see you now. I'm so afraid it won't happen soon enough. I'm afraid time will go on and I might forget about our sweet memories and how good I had it. Or time will go on (and even worse) you will forget about me. That would crush my heart, if I made it to Heaven and I meant nothing to you. I'm afraid I will always have a huge void in my life and I'll never be able to recover from this. I just wish you would walk through that door right now and make this all go away. Here is a song from Mat Kearney called Wait.

I'll will wait for you for the rest of my life. Will you please wait for me?

The wind hit my back, cold as I remember
And caught me off guard, in the middle of December
Sometimes a crowded room, can feel the most alone
Sometimes I wonder why, I wont pick up the phone when

Chorus
This wall is glaring and it's too high for me to climb
I've ran and ran and now there's nothing left behind
I see a picture of a broken man inside
I've tried and tried and now there's nothing left but time
And I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you alone
And I'll wait for you , I'll wait for you alone

Together we fly tonight
And I leave all of the rest behind
I'll wait for you
These hands can feel like theyre not even mine
A tree and a nail and a cry in the night
Sometimes a little step is the greatest divide
Sometimes I feel your breath right at my side when

Chorus
This wall is glaring and it's too high for me to climb
I've ran and ran and now there's nothing left behind
I see a picture of a broken man inside
I've tried and tried and now there's nothing left but time
And I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you alone
And I'll wait for you , I'll wait for you alone

Here I am at the edge of the road
One hand on the end of the rope
One crack and it breaks alone
Wondering who's gonna take me home
On my knees when you call my bluff
Begging please from the edge of the ruff
And I know when I've had enough, and I know it, and I know it
I see a picture of a broken man inside
I've tried and tried and now there's nothing left but time
And I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you alone
And I'll wait for you , I'll wait for you alone
Wait here stay here say youre the only
One I need I know and I'm holding
Together we will fly tonight
And leave all of the rest behind
I'll wait for you

I love you with all my heart and soul. Remember you have my heart as Iong as I shall live. I think about you ALL the time. You still consume me - just as if you were here. You're all I need in this life. All my love forever, your baby girl. xoxoxox

It's Been Awhile

Its been awhile since i've written you...at least emailed you. just so painful and i don't ever know what to write except how much it hurts, but i don't want to keep sending you emails about how bad it hurts. i want to send you emails of how much i love you and miss you. i did write you a letter yesterday. your 7 month letter. it's been hard lately. i'm just so tired. tired of trying to please everybody. tired of putting on a happy face for everyone. tired of pretending i'm doing ok so people don't worry about me. i'm tired of faking. i'm tired of hiding the pain. i'm tired of masking the pain. i don't know how to make it all better. i really have no idea. i seriously feel like a completely different person. i'm not me. really, i feel so different and i'm trying so hard to make others think i'm the same. i just feel so numb all the time. going to work everyday is so hard. i try to stay happy and energetic, but i'm so, so tired. i don't think people would understand, so i don't let it show. all i want to do is stay at home and tinker around here. i have lots of little projects i could do. i don't want to see anyone except on my terms, i don't want to talk to anyone, except on my terms. dont' worry, i don't want to sit around here and do nothing....that makes it worse. i just want to take this at my pace. anyway, enough bitching. i love you so much honey. i miss you. i want you back in my life so bad. i really, really want to be with you again. i wish i could die and be with you in heaven right now. i don't want my family to go through pain....that would be selfish for me to go so i could be happy, but at the expense at my families happiness. i know the pain i'm going through right now and i wouldn't wish this on anyone. i don't know what else to say honey....i just hurt so much and i don't want to write about it. thanks for the best memories of my life. i love you. i miss you. you have my heart forever. love your baby girl. xoxoxox

Until The End Of Time

I'm feeling numb lately...I just look at you and no feelings come to mind. I do think you are the most beautiful person I have ever met. I miss your soft cheeks and kissing them. I miss your arms around me and your hugs. I will always love you. Forever, I know. I will always be faithful to you. I can't imagine any human being in this world that could ever compare to you....even come close to you. I will always be yours until the end of time. Even though we never married I was going to take a vow to love you forever, 'til death do us part. Well, only you have died, I'm still here, so until I die I will love you and only you until I die. I never want anyone else. You're all I ever wanted and you're all I ever needed. I will live the rest of my life with our memories. I love you honey. I am tired, numb and even more tired. I feel like a zombie. I love you honey so so much. I will always, your baby girl.

Your Voice

I'm so lucky I saved these!

"1st call" is when we first started really talking and getting to know each other. He was working in ---- on one of our fire busts. He flew me & a few others to a fire, the ------ fire. My crew hiked in, stayed that night and I woke up early before the crew just so I could hike to the top of this mountain through the worst brush ever just so I could call ------ in the morning and say hi. Well, it went to his voice mail so I left him a message. This message is him calling me back (after I hiked back down). I hiked back up about an hour later, heard his message and called him back. This time we got to talk. :) He ended up slinging us in some water that day so we also got to talk over the radio, but we had to be professional. :) We spent another night and then he picked us up on the third day and flew us out. This was also before he was leaving for Conn. to do his K-Max training. I had (and still have) saved that message for yrs. and I'd always play it back for him to hear, "this is when we were first going out....aren't you so sweet" and he would get all embarrassed, laugh and say, "you should erase that". I'm so glad I never did.

The other two messages are just random messages when he was gone for his 2 wks. flying.

Enjoy hearing his voice.....I know it's hard, it will make you cry. It always makes me cry, but I'm just so lucky I saved these so we can still hear his voice.

I love you! -----

*** To open these you should just click on them like they're any other attachment and they should play in your media player ***

I sent this email to your mom with the 3-mp3's I have of your voice. Your messages that you left me. I think she will really like them. Listening to them makes me miss you so much. I'm still having such a hard time. I struggle. A lot of the time I feel so sad and down. All I want to do is sit, but I suppose it's really not in me. I seem to just go, go, go. I suppose that's a good thing and what I should be doing. As you know I sit and be sad quite a bit, but I think when it's time God has me do random things to keep busy. Like gettting wood, going to Seatttle, spending time with ----. It helps me refocus on what I should be doing. But it's a rollercoaster. Some days I just want to curl up, stay home and be a recluse. And cry and be sad. But other days I don't want the pain and the only way I can feel good is to work and keep busy. I suppose cuz it keeps my mind off of you. But as I've read, it's not good to stay busy and push it away. It may feel good cuz I'm not feeling the pain, but it will resurface later on down the road. I just wanna get it out of the way and experience it all right now. I guess I'm just rambling....it's just been hard and often times I totally feel like screaming, crying and punching something. I hate it so much. I want you back so bad. I miss you so much. When those moments do hit, I promise you, it's the worse feeling I've ever had in my whole life and I hate it. I really do. Ya know I really feel like you are going to be the only person in my life (as far as relationships go), which is fine. It's sad, I can't be with you forever, but the promise of eternal life with you makes it ok. It's hard to fathom, but living with you forever is the only suitable trade off for this pain I'm feeling. I do think of committing my life to God and seeing what it would take to be a nun. I don't ever want anyone else and I want to learn all I can about the Lord, so why not dedicate the rest of my life to the Lord. It can't be you, so I think I should. Wouldn't hurt. I love you more than the world, everything in it and myself. You are the center of my universe.

I just got an email back from your mom. Her response to my email was,

Yes they made me cry but how oh how great to hear he loved you ever so much you made the rest of his life so full & happy god love you for that, thank you for sharing love you always

I'm gonna go now. You are so amazing to me, I'm still in awe of what I had and who you were. I love you so. I will always, your baby girl. xoxoxox

Through Glass

"Don't know how much time has passed

Oh God it feels like forever

But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,

sitting all alone inside your head"

More music that makes me think of you, this is Stone Sour - Through Glass

Basically I'm looking at you through glass - your pictures.....I wish it didn't have to be

this way, I want to see and touch the real you. I miss your arms around me and your

smiling face. I miss you so, so, so, so, so much. This hurts more than anything ever

in my whole life. I wish you were here so this would all go away. I love you honey.

See you in Heaven someday soon. Your baby girl. Xoxoxoxox

Everything Changes

More song lyrics that make me think of you:

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Staind - Everything Changes

when its just me and you
who knows what we could do
if we can just make it through
the toughest part of the day

but everything changes if i could
turn back the years if you could

then we could stay here together
we could conquor the world if we could
say that forever is more than just a word

Die Without You

PM Dawn

another song. i feel like this...i'd die without you. i feel like i'm dying without you in my life now.

i miss you and i can't wait to see you. i love you honey bunny. xoxox

Is it my turn to wish you were lying here.
I tend to dream you when I'm not sleeping.
Is it my turn to fictionalize my world.
Or even imagine your emotions. Tell myself anything...
Is it my turn to hold you by your hands.
Tell you I love you and you not hear me...
Is it my turn to totally understand.
To watch you walk out of my life and not do a damn thing...

If I have to give away...
The feeling that I feel.
If I have to sacrifice...
Oh, whatever babe, whatever baby.
If I have to take apart...
All that I am...
Is there anything that I would not do,
'cause inside I'd die without you...
Yeah baby
'cause inside I'd die without you...
'cause inside I'd die without you...

Oh, I apologize for all the things I've done.
But now I'm underwater and I'm drowning...
Is it my turn to be the one to cry.
Isn't it amazing how some things completely turn around...
So take every little piece of my heart...
Yeah, take every little piece of my soul...
Yeah, take every little bitty piece of my mind...
'Cause if you're gone... inside...
I'd die without you...

Here In Your Arms

Another song that makes me think of you.....

Hellogoodbye - Here In Your Arms

I like
Where we are
When we drive
In your car.
I like where we are
Here.

Cause our lips
Can touch
And our cheeks
Can brush.
Our lips
Can touch
Here.

You are the one, the one that lies close to me.
Whispers Hello, I miss you quite terribly.
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly.
Now there's no place else I could be, but here in your arms.

I like
Where you sleep
When you sleep
Next to me.
I like
Where you sleep
Here.

Cause our lips
Can touch
And our cheeks
Can brush.
Our lips
Can touch
Here.

You are the one, the one that lies close to me.
Whispers Hello, I miss you quite terribly.
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly.
Now there's no place else I could be, but here in your arms.

Our lips
Can touch.
Our lips
Can touch
Here.

You are the one, the one that lies close to me.
Whispers Hello, I miss you quite terribly.
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly.
Now there's no place else I could be, but here in your arms.

You are the one, the one that lies close to me.
Whispers Hello, I miss you, I miss you.
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly.
Now there's no place else I could be, but here in your arms.

Here in your arms
Here in your arms

Another song that makes me think of you. HIM-beautiful.

This reminds me of when we used to talk about walking down the aisle (wedding) and we'd both cry cuz we were so happy and because we thought each other was so beautiful. That's love when you cry cuz someone is so beautiful.

Stay With You

I would've run with you.....I'd would've stayed with you, died for you, died with you. I would take your hand and run forever. I swear to God I would've died with you, just to be with you forever.

This song by the Goo Goo Dolls makes me think of you and I would've honey - even now to this day. No doubt.

These streets
Turn me inside out
Everything shines
But leaves me empty still
And I'll, burn this lonely house down
If you run with me
If you run with me
I'll stay with you
The walls will fall before we do
Take my hand now
We'll run forever
I can feel the storm inside you
I'll stay with you
Fooled by my own desires
I twist my fate
Just to feel you
But you, turn me toward the light
And you're one with me
Will you run with me?
I'll stay with you
The walls will fall before we do
Take my hand now
We'll run forever
I can feel the storm inside you
I'll stay with you
Now come in from this storm
I taste you sweet and warm
Take what you need
Take what you need
From me
Wake up this world
Wake up tonight
And run with me
Run to me now
I'll stay with you
The walls will fall before we do
Take my hand now
We'll run forever
I can feel the storm inside you
I'll stay with you

Angel

DMX - Angel

How I feel...difficult, but as long as I have the Lord, I can do it.

I miss you and wish you were here every day. I miss you.

Love always, Your Baby Girl xoxox

What good is it..
for a man to, gain the world..
yet lose his own soul, in the process?
God loves you, yes he does
Said you're alright with him
I wonder..

I know you never seen him but don't fight with him
You're gonna make it through the night to the light with him
Uhh, you're alright with him
I said you're alright with him

I'm callin out to you Lord, because I need your help
See once again I'm havin difficulty savin myself
behavin myself, you told me what to do, and I do it
But every and now and then, gets a little harder to go through it
Losin friends, day by day
I'm in so much pain when I'm here Lord, please take me away
I put you here to do a job, and your work ain't done
To live is to suffer, but you're still my son
And there will be a time when you shine as bright as the stars
But there won't be a, his or hers, just ours
Then you'll see what I've been tryin to show you, all these years
Do the right thing; cause after the tears, come the cheers
I will, my Lord, with my heart, and my soul
That's gonna be how I roll, from now until I'm old
Lead and I'll follow, you take away the sorrow
I'ma sleep on what you said and holla back tomorrow

I want you to know Lord, that for what you've given me I'm thankful
Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, I'm grateful
You gave us power in our words, so I think before I speak
And that way when I speak, they know I'm here to teach
Can't tell em nothin wrong, cause I love em too much
I reach a lot of people, and Lord, I'm lovin the touch
But deep inside, I've got somethin that's workin against
everything I know is right, what I know makes sense
That's when you must fight harder, than you've ever fought before
cause what you've got goin on inside you is a war
between good and evil, be careful of those who wanna be you
They smile, but are not really happy when they see you
Be careful of the ones that always wanna get you high
Cause when the time comes, that one'll let you die
Listen to me! I'm here, but I can only help you
if you want me to help, what do you want for yourself?

My Lord, my saviour, don't judge my behavior
but instead, take what's in my heart and put it in my head
See I guess I really never knew, how proud I made you
My life is yours, my soul I gave you
I don't know if I'll do good enough (he's by your side)
And we both know the hood is rough (right by your side)
Sometimes I don't know what to do (X, dry your eyes)
But I know what I gotta do (it'll be alright)
You keep givin me the word, and I'll put it to song
Talk to me, I'll talk to them, and we can't go wrong
This is the start of somethin strong, and this is just the start of it
Praises to you my Lord, for lettin me be a part of it
I was that kid that, been there, did that
Became ashamed so I hid that
But, ain't no longer with that
Use me as an example - if I can do, then they can too
With the Lord behind us, there ain't nothin that we can't do

He's by your side
Right by your side
X, dry your eyes
cause it'll be alright
Yeah, he's by your side
Right by your side
X, dry your eyes
Cause, it'ssssssssss gonna be alright
Yeah yeah, yes it isssssssssss

Colors

The song Colors by Crossfade, makes me think of you and how I feel sometimes. I love you honey, always and forever...can't wait to see you again some day in Heaven. Love you my Kdub.

Can you feel it crush you does it seem to bring the worst in you out
There's no running away from these things that hold you down
Do they complicate you because they make you feel like this
of all the colors that you've shine this is surely not your best

But you should know these colors that you're shining are

Surely not the best colors that you shine

I know you feel alone yeah and no one else can figure you out
But don't you ever turn away from the ones that help you down
Well they'd love to save you don't you know they love to see you smile
But these colors that you've shined are surely not your style

I know you feel alone yeah and no one else can figure you out
But don't you ever turn away from the ones that help you down
Well they'd love to save you don't you know they love to see you smile
But these colors that you've shined are surely not your style

But you should know these colors that you're shining are

Surely not the best..
(I know your feeling like your lost)
Colors that you shine..
(but you should know these Colors that your shining are)
Surely not the best..
(I know your feeling like your lost you feel you`ve drifted way to far)
Did you know these colors that your shinin are..

Brighter Than Sunshine

This is us....how I felt about you....your love was brighter than sunshine.....I love you forever, as long as I shall live. You're beautiful. Love your baby girl forever and ever.

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you're standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, i don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine
and it's brighter than sunshine

I never saw it happening
I'd given up and given in
I just couldn't take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn't have the strength to fight
suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

I got a feeling in my soul ...
-Aqualung-

I Can Only Imagine

This song is how I feel about you and Jesus. I can only imagine what it will be like when I see you againI think I will be so happy I won't be able to contain my smile. With Jesus I will just be amazed. Anyhow, I got this song off of the email I got about the man who would take his paralyzed son through the triathlons with him. Pretty impressive. I can't wait to learn so much about heaven and Jesus. I know there is a lot to learn and it is never ending, but my hope is it will help me get to Heaven sooner.

Also I want this song to be played at my funeral. It will symbolize me finally getting to Heaven and meeting Jesus and seeing you again. It can also apply to all the other people I will get to see again like Grandma (or for the first time - like Grandpa ------). I do imagine what it would be like to see you again and it makes me smile, but it also makes me cry cuz I know I would be so happy. Just like when we'd cry together when we talked about getting married cuz we were both so, so happy. Honey, I love you so much and I can't stop thinking about you and how beautiful you are/were. I was so lucky to become part of your life, I'm so selfish to want more. Sorry, I can't help it, you were the best ever and I miss you. I love you forever. Your baby girl, oxxoxoxoxo

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

{Chorus}:
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

Song For My Funeral

Artist : MercyMe
Title : I Can Only Imagine
-----------------

I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When your face is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus,
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence,
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Halelluja,
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when that day comes
And I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine when all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory,
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus,
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence,
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Halelluja,
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine, yeah
I can only imagine
I can only imagine, yeah, yeah, yeah

Surrounded by your glory,
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus,
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence,
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Halelluja,
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine, yeah

I can only imagine, yeah, yeah
I can only imagine, Yeah
I can only imagine
I can only imagine, Ohh yeah
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when all I will do
is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine

Awesome Story

Made me think of you...awesome story...it will bring a tear to your eye.

http://cjcphoto.com/can/

Random Quotes On Death & Suffering

Those we hold most dear never truly leave us ... they live on in the kindnesses they showed, the comfort they shared and the love they brought into our lives. Isabel Norton

A life that touches others goes on forever.

Those who live in the Lord never see each other for the last time.

When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.

God has not taken them from us – He has hidden them in His heart that they may be closer to ours.

Life is fragile ... handle with prayer.

Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.

Out of suffering come the strongest souls. God’s wounded often make his best soldiers.

Faith is not believing that God can, it is knowing that He will.

If your day is hemmed with prayer, it is less likely to unravel.

Do not stand at my grave and weep; I am not here, I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow; I am the diamond glint on snow; I am sunlight on ripened grain; I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning hush, I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight; I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there, I did not die. (old Indian prayer)

Togetherness Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name; speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Laugh as we always laughed at room at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effort. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is absolutely unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of your mind because I am out of your sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near just around the corner. All is well. Nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before - only better, infinitely happier and forever - We will all be one together with Christ.

God saw you getting tired and a cure was not to be so he put his arms around you and whispered, " Come to Me." With tearful eyes we watched you pass away. Although we love you dearly, we could not make you stay. A golden heart stopped beating, hard-working hands at rest, God broke our hearts to prove to us - He only takes the best.

When I must leave you for a little while Please do not grieve and shed wild tears and hug your sorrow to you through the years. But start out bravely, with a gallant smile, And for my sake and in my name live on and do all things the same. Feed not your loneliness on empty days, but fill each waking hour in useful ways. Reach out your hand in comfort and in cheer and I in turn will comfort you and hold you near. And never, never be afraid to die, for I am waiting for you in the sky! Helen Steiner Rice

Remember Me to the living, I am gone.To the sorrowful, I will never return. To be angry, I was cheated. But to the happy, I am at peace. And to the faithful, I have never left. I can not be seen, but I can be heard. So as you touch upon a shore, gazing at a beautiful sea ... remember me. Remember in your heart, your thoughts, and your memories of the times we fought, the times we laughed ... for if you always think of me I will never have gone!

Memories keep those we love close to us forever. Hold fast to your memories, to all of the cherished moments of the past, to the blessings and the laughter, the joys and the celebrations, the sorrow and the tears. They all add up to a treasure of fond yesterdays that you shared and spent together, and they keep the one you loved close to you in spirit and thought. The special moments and memories in your life will never change. They will always be in your heart, today and forevermore. Linda E. Knight

· Into each life some rain must fall.
-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
· There can be no rainbow without a cloud and a storm.
-- John H. Vincent
· Where there is sorrow, there is holy ground.
-- Oscar Wilde
· Earth hath no sorrow that heaven cannot heal.
-- Thomas Moore
· The world is so full of care and sorrow that it is a gracious debt we owe to one another to discover the bright crystals of delight hidden in somber circumstances and irksome tasks.
-- Helen Keller
· Sorrow: a kind of rust of the soul, which every new idea contributes in its passage to scour away.
-- Samuel Johnson
· Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls.
-- Edwin Hubbel Chapin
· It requires more courage to suffer than to die.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte
· We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it in full.
-- Marcel Proust
· I have suffered too much in this world not to hope for another.
-- Jean Jacques Rousseau
· It is a glorious thing to be indifferent to suffering, but only to one's own suffering.
-- Robert Lynd
· The salvation of the world is in man's suffering.
-- William Faulkner
· How little it takes to make life unbearable: a pebble in the shoe, a cockroach in the spaghetti, a woman's laugh.
-- H. L. Mencken
· If you suffer, thank God! It is a sure sign that you are alive.
-- Elbert Hubbard
· Suffering becomes beautiful when anyone bears great calamities with cheerfulness, not through insensibility but through greatness of mind.
-- Aristotle

To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.
Roberta Flack

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
Kahlil Gibran

The most beautiful people we have known
are those who have known defeat,
known suffering, known struggle, known loss,
and have found their way out of the depths.
These persons have an appreciation,
a sensitivity and an understanding standing of life
that fills them with compassion, gentleness
and a deep loving concern.
Beautiful people do not just happen.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.”

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”

“It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations”

Through his griefs Job came to his heritage. He was tried that his godliness might be confirmed. Are not my troubles intended to deepen my character and to robe me in graces I had little of before? I come to my glory through eclipses, tears, death. My ripest fruit grows against the roughest wall. Job's afflictions left him with higher conceptions of God and lowlier thoughts of himself. "Now," he cried, "mine eye seeth thee.

And if, through pain and loss, I feel God so near in His majesty that I bend low before Him and pray, "Thy will be done," I gain very much. God gave Job glimpses of the future glory. In those wearisome days and nights, he penetrated within the veil, and could say, "I know that my Redeemer liveth." Surely the latter end of Job was more blessed than the beginning.--In the Hour of Silence

"Trouble never comes to a man unless she brings a nugget of gold in her hand."

Apparent adversity will finally turn out to be the advantage of the right if we are only willing to keep on working and to wait patiently. How steadfastly the great victor souls have kept at their work, dauntless and unafraid! There are blessings which we cannot obtain if we cannot accept and endure suffering. There are joys that can come to us only through sorrow. There are revealings of Divine truth which we can get only when earth's lights have gone out. There are harvests which can grow only after the plowshare has done its work.--Selected

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seamed with scars; martyrs have put on their coronation robes glittering with fire, and through their tears have the sorrowful first seen the gates of Heaven. --Chapin

I shall know by the gleam and glitter
Of the golden chain you wear,
By your heart's calm strength in loving,
Of the fire you have had to bear.
Beat on, true heart, forever;
Shine bright, strong golden chain;
And bless the cleansing fire
And the furnace of living pain!
--Adelaide Proctor

Never forget that God tests his real friends
more severely than the lukewarm ones.
Kathryn Hulme

He is not dead, this friend; not dead,
Gone some few, trifling steps ahead,
And nearer to the end;
So that you, too, once past the bend,
Shall meet again, as face to face, this friend
You fancy dead.
Robert Louis Stevenson

We are not the only ones who suffer. All humanity suffers. Still, suffering is not a natural phenomenon without feeling and sentiment. Nor is it a trick of cruel fate. It is God's providence. As Gandhi, a great soul of India, said, "Suffering is a principle of human life. " We cannot conceive of life without suffering. Death is an end of life, disease is a part of the body. The road to the cross is the way of life. Suffering cleanses sin. Suffering washes life clean as soda washes dirt away. A soul damaged and soiled by iniquity can be restored only by the bitterness of suffering. Suffering gives depth to life. When wrinkles appear on the forehead, deep wisdom is born inside. Only by letters written with blood, by pictures drawn with tears, by songs sung with sighs can the deep meaning of life be expressed. Anyone with a two dimensional, a purely secular world view has not tasted the bitter cup of suffering.

Suffering makes life greater. Life takes a step forward after enduring suffering. By enduring poverty and penalty one can obtain freedom and nobility of heart. At the onset of suffering one must become either an opponent of Satan or a friend of God. Suffering, while taking away from the flesh, refines the soul. Suffering brings loss and pain but for a time, while the worth and meaning it brings are eternal. For an individual great character is a gift of suffering.

Suffering leads life to God. People have sought God, source of life, only through 'suffering, just as the prodigal son sought his father only after he tasted hunger. If, as they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, the way to God is paved with malice. Through the lens of eyes wet with tears will one see the kingdom of heaven. Only in suffering can one find the end of the thread leading to reason, and if one follows it, one can reach the gateway to eternity.

Suffering is, as Gandhi says, "an inevitable condition of our life. " He said in effect: Men have to offer self-sacrifice and endurance at the altar of freedom. Although mortification and oppression strain their strength of endurance to the breaking point, only those who endure to the end will be saved. These words are the truth. Only by doing so can people achieve true freedom, true swaraj (self-rule). Only by doing so can they find true happiness, only by doing so can they win true victory. Gandhi held that "purification through suffering" is an eternal verity.

You

It's weird how one thinks after someone dies. Or maybe it's just me. I see people on tv and wonder, 'why's that guy still alive and not you' Why does one person have to die and another gets to stay alive. I see a couple and think how lucky they are that they got to grow old together. Why didn't something freak happen to them? I wonder how many people on this earth have had their one and only that they love die early due to an accident? You know, not counting natural stuff, like old age. Everyone at some point in time loses a loved one due to old age. But how many husbands lose wives early or vice versa. Or how many people that are due to get married lose their fiance? This is something so horrible. I'm trying so hard, but I struggle. I think about you a lot, almost all the time. I'm either focused on something I'm doing for the time being, otherwise I'm constantly thinking all sorts of things about you. About what we were gonna do. About your mom. About ---. About ---. About where you lived. About the time we spent together. About the trips we took. I think about everything. I think about you always when I see any and all helicopters....all pilots. I think about you every time I see a car like yours. Every time I see a charger. Every time I see a pickup that looks like yours. Every time I see or hear about any of that stuff. I think about you anytime and all times that people talk about their spouses, significant others, their relationships, their kids. Every time I see a new house being built. Every time I see a house like the one we were gonna build. I think about you when I'm not doing anything, when I'm not thinking about anything. When I sit alone and it's quiet, I think of you. Even when someone is talking to me and anything they say can make me think of you and for a minute I'm lost and spacing off before I realize I'm not in the here and now. I think of you every time I pick up my cell phone. No joke, every time I pick up my cell phone it's habit to check my messages cuz there was always one from you. I think of you all the time when I listen to music....all songs have lines or complete lyrics that remind me of you. I think of you when I see or hear country music. I think of you most mornings when I get in the shower. I space off and daydream about you. I think of you the very first thing when I wake up....the very first thing. I think of you as the last thing before I go to bed. I think of you as I lay in bed. When I wake up in the middle of the night I always make sure I have my angel teddy bear, ---, in my arms. It is the very first thing I think of when I wake up, 'where's ---' When I find it's in my arms I go right back to sleep. If I've accidentally dropped it (rarely) I reach 'til I find it, then I go back to sleep. I think of you always in church. I pray for you in case you are in purgatory and you haven't made it to heaven yet. I know you have to be there since you are/were such a good person. I only have a doubt just cuz you weren't catholic, so that is why i pray for you to be let through the gates of heaven. i think of you when i'm at moms campground cuz you're supposed to be there with me. mr. cheeks makes me think of you. he liked you and we could've had a kid like mr. cheeks. i think of you when i lock my door cuz you always made sure, even when you were far away, that my door was locked. here you were so worried about me living and being safe and it was you. i would pray for you everyday when you flew....i knew it was dangerous and i never, ever wanted to lose you. i prayed for you to be safe and for god to watch over you. what happened. sometimes i wonder if i can ever truly overcome this. will i ever get over this? it doesn't seem like it. i cry for you everyday. i wonder how i do this everyday. everyday i just try to "make it", i really do. i feel like it's survival, just make it through this day. thinking ahead is hard. just making it through the day is hard. i wish i could be in heaven with you. i must have a damn good purpose to still be here and to suffer like this. there has to be some a silver lining to this cloud. while i don't think of the future, in a sense i do. i hear about --- getting shut down and i wonder where i will move. i wonder where i'll put all my stuff. i wonder what job i'll have next. i wonder how i will afford to live. i am anticipating a big change in my life, so i am trying to get things paid off and money saved. that way if i have to move and build/buy or pay some exhorborant amount of rent i will hopefully have some money. i think about taking out my retirement and just living as long as i can. i think about coaching now and where will it take me. i don't like work here and especially now they're talking about shutting down ----. i think about how none of this would be happening if you were still alive. we'd be doing acn and this could've possibly been my last year and you'd be becoming financially independent with acn and you wouldn't have to fly anymore, only when you wanted. i don't know why i worry....the future sucks. I just want to be done with life, i just want to be with you. i miss you so bad. i miss your face. i miss your soft skin. it was so soft. no one has skin that soft, you had to of been an angel. i miss your soft hair. i miss your big forearms and hands, they were so manly. i miss your cute skinny white legs. i miss everything about you. i miss laughing with you. i miss cuddling with you. i miss having your arms around me. i miss laying next to you. i miss the way you made me feel. i miss how you brightened my whole world. i miss your smell. i miss your touch. i am so lonely without you. you were so special. you were the one i waited for my whole life. you were my soul mate. i wanted more of us. i wanted us to grow old together and have a beautiful life together. i wanted to be a model of the happiest couple that anyone had ever seen. we were just getting started. it was only the beginning. i have no feelings. no desires. i feel numb. i feel dead. what do i have to look forward to? i don't look forward to the next day because it's such a struggle just to make it through. one day after another, that's not fun. tell me anyone who would look forward to another painful day of realization that you're not here. why can't you just walk through the door and say it was all a mistake. why can't you call me out of the blue and tell me you're ok. why? why do i have to spend the rest of my life without you? why does it have to be this way?

i will go to bed now....and sleep all by myself,...with a huge empty space next to me and in my heart. i will go to bed knowing that i will wake up tomorrow with nothing but an empty void in my heart and in my life. i will try to mask the emotionlessness of what is my life now. i will fake my way through another day and start all over and keep doing it and doing it until i die, which i always hope is so, so soon or until i finally get better (if it's even possible). how do people do this? for realz, how do people do this? if it wasn't for the hope of seeing you again someday, i would just end it all. can't do that though, i'd never make it to heaven. so don't worry, but that's how bad i feel. how empty. how lonely. i miss you and i'm sorry. i know you're probably so mad because i am so sad and i can't get over it, but i can't help it, i loved you and ....... i just need to go. i will always love you. please don't give up on me, i'll keep trying. please don't ever forget about me...please. i love you and i want to be reunited with you someday. i love you so, so much..your baby girl oxoxoxoxox

Words Women Use

This reminded me of you. Even though we never fought, it was funny, I've probably been known to use a few of these words. And the definitions are true! :)

I wish we could still be together, we'd laugh together at this. I miss you. Your baby girl always and forever. oxoxoxox

Subject: Words Women Use

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes
is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing'
usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you
are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long
and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your
mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say
you're welcome.

WHATEVER

It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!