All Mixed Up

Today i feel like i'm ready to explode, it's like you're right there demanding attention and i keep pushing you back. i don't want to think about you....just don't know what to think. i feel like it can't be real...it's not real, so i don't want to make it real by thinking about what happened, so i'm just pushing it back. it never happened. i feel like if i acknowledge it i will explode. i will burst. for a moment or two today i tried thinking of you, i cried a little, but i felt like if i let go i would explode, i would never stop. thing is i just couldn't let it all go. something was blocking me. as bad as i wanted to just cry, i couldn't do it. go figure. now i feel like i need to but i can't....maybe it's just that it hurts so bad, i don't want to. i don't even want to get too deep about it with you either cuz i feel like i'm on the verge of just breaking down and flipping out. i want to take a baseball bat and smash the hell out of something.......

anything. i want to scream at the top of my lungs....argh. this sucks so bad. we had some meeting at work about all the bad things that have been happening and how to cope. some counselor lady from ---- came down to talk to us. it pretty much sucked, the lady from the employee assistance program was talking about grief and grieving, blah, blah, blah. i pretty much hated it. i felt like everyone was thinking about me or looking at me. i felt like everyone was talking about me behind my back, only thing, i was right there. it was pretty damn uncomfortable. maybe that's why i have this sucky suck feeling right now. i sat down with ---- ---- at lunch. he asked how i was doing. what do you tell people when they ask you that? the truth? well, i pretty much hate life. waking up every morning is a chore. showing up for work is a chore. i'm so sad and hurt i wanna crawl away and die. instead, oh i'm doing ok, i have good days and bad days. it's like a rollercoaster. blah, blah, blah. he said one thing he remembered about you and me is that we seemed so happy. everyone says that. it's terrible cuz it's the truth. we were so happy. we had it all. we were a happy young couple who had everything going for them. now look...a miserable young single me who struggles to keep her head above water. so it all sucks and i have no idea what tomorrow will bring. days like this when i feel like i'm gonna explode, yet i can't explain the root of it or why i feel like i wanna explode either lead to a huge breakdown or i just go to bed and it's over. tomorrow starts over and i just feel whatever...it's like the lottery, who knows what it will be. except it's never a prize or anything that makes me happy. it's like the crap lottery. i'm a winner everyday, but i win being sad, i win feeling like a piece of crap, i win being miserable, i win being depressed, i win being tired, i win being numb, i win hating life...on and on, the choices are endless and every single one of them suck! so peace out, i'm outta here. you are the best thing that ever happened to me....please don't ever think differently no matter how i feel or what i say. you were my life. i love you forever. xoxoxo your baby girl

Don't Care

Isn't it funny how emotions change from day to day...even hour to hour. today...who cares? you died, you're gone. what's crying, being sad or any of that gonna do to bring you back. i just don't care, don't think about you and you go away....makes it easy. so you died, it sucks, life goes on. isn't it heartless how cold i can be. like i said though, it works. at least it works today. sorry hun, that's just how it goes. doesn't mean i don't stop loving you. i'll love you forever. :) and ever :) and ever :) can't wait to see you again. yours always, your baby girl oxoxoxox

Runaway

just tired. numb. what happened to my life? what did i do to deserve this?

i don't get breaks from the pain. i don't get breaks from this tragedy. i don't get breaks from the grief. it's with me every moment of the day. there's no escaping. there's no taking a vacation to get away from it all. i suppose that would be drugs, hence the appeal to some. or even alcohol i suppose. at least i'm smart enough to know that's not the answer.

it would be nice to have a moment of silence not interrupted by memories of you. it would be nice to be able to read a book without anything in it reminding me of you. it would be nice to watch a tv show without being reminded of you. it would be nice to hold a conversation without something reminding me of you. it would be nice to listen to music without applying it to you, me or us. it would be nice to be able to be alone without being bombarded with memories.

there's no cure. there's no answer. i am doomed to suffer. this is the life christ has chosen for me. i've either done something to warrant this (god knows what) or i've 'earned' it....whatever that means. they say "when one door closes another door opens" or god never throws anything your way that's too much for you to handle...hah. have those people never been in a situation. tell me what door is gonna open cuz of this? doors open all the time throughout your life. so one may open for me in a month, maybe 6....whenever. point is, it would have opened regardless of this situation. it will/would be coincidental. don't be blaming it on your death. also god never throws anything your way that you can't handle. well, i can't handle this. i try and i'm either slowly sinking or barely keeping my head above water....more than anything i'm drowning and there's no one to help me. more like, i've drowned and i have no clue. i'm way over my head and nobody knows it but me. i just want to stay home and just do nothing all day. i have no incentive to do a damn thing. i don't know how my bills are getting paid. once in a blue moon something snaps and i have it in me to clean my house, but then it's gone and my house is a pit again.

we were meant to be. god knew that. you knew that. i knew that. everyone around us knew that. so what happened? today i'm not angry. i'm tired, i'm numb, i'm hopeless. i don't want this for my life. i really don't. i guess it goes to show we don't get what we want only what's handed to us, so what's the point in trying. it's all for nothing. i don't want to try for anything. if this is how god operates then i'll just float and whatever comes my way, comes my way and i'll always know it's not forever, so don't hope or don't have expectations. it's all pretty crappy knowing there's no control. why get attached to anything again. that way i'll never experience loss again. i had it all. and literally in a blink of an eye, a phone call, i lost it all. "we've lost ----" tell me three words worse than that. tell me three words that will bring you to your knees. tell me three words that will bring you a pain unlike anything you've ever experienced before. tell me three words that will turn your whole world upside down.

i have this relentless feeling to just leave. leave all of this behind. go far, far away and never look back. to get away from this all. i could go far enough away and maybe things someplace new won't remind me of you. i can cut ties with everything and go. as much as i love ---, your mom and dad. i don't want it anymore. the memories are horrible and it hurts to talk to all of them. i'm a bad person i know. acn...i'm a bad person, i know. i tried to begin with, but....

but what? i don't know. it's hard. i don't know if it reminds me too much of you. maybe i just don't have the time. maybe i just don't have the energy. or maybe i just don't have the courage to face something that's a big part of you. i guess i'm a coward.

life ain't always beautiful - gary allan. it's on the radio right now. isn't that the truth. it's country too. you're probably laughing. now a song i've never heard by carrie underwood called 'don't forget to remember me' i don't know why but i worry about that a lot. i think that if you are up there somewhere you might forget me and i'll wait a lifetime to see you only to be disappointed cuz you don't remember me. then i'll really have wasted my life. not that i even care about my life right now and whether i'm wasting it or making the most of it. really what does it matter when we all die in the end. the good part is heaven....isn't this supposedly the "test". well, i effin fail, so take me now.

life is empty and i'm lonely for you. there is a gap in me that is huge. i feel hollow without you. it would be nice if i could fast forward and just get this all over with.

i guess i'll try to go to sleep now....i sure wish i could dream about you....seems impossible now. a rare treat i suppose...another way for god to torture me for whatever i did to deserve this. i will always love you....forever and ever. i miss all of you. xoxoxo

Just Mad

I don't hate you and I'm not mad at you. Sorry. I'm just mad at everything we're going to miss out on. I'm mad at being alone. I'm mad at losing the best thing ever in my life. I love you more than life itself. I just love you too much is all. I miss you. I hope you will never forget me. I want to give you a big hug the next time I see you (in Heaven). G'night honey bunny. Love u!

ang-grrr

I'm filled with so much anger lately. i'm so mad you left me here all by myself. i'm so mad i had something so great...something that got my hopes up, had me dreaming, got my expectations up and for what? this. you left me here all alone. it would've been ok if i would've never met you cuz i came to terms that this was my job, this was where i was gonna live for the rest of my life, that i would never meet a good guy here, that i was doomed to a single life. all of that was fine. i knew that's what my life was gonna be. well, you came into my life and changed all that. you made me giddy. everything was too good to be true. i should've known. you were like my knight in shining armor. now look, you got my hopes up and now this sucks that i'm stuck here all by myself in this crappy job. why did you come into my life and do this to me? is this some kind of cruel joke? is this one of life dumb tests i'm supposed to pass? screw life and it's dumb ass tests. i'm just mad, stop playing games with my heart...ya know that's what's so cruel about it. so i'm mad. this all sucks and i don't give a damn about anything. i want to forget all about you, move on. i don't want to remember how great it was. why? so i can torture myself. ya' know it's just so much easier to keep busy, work, hang around people and just forget you and i even existed. i don't want to sit around and think about what i'm missing out on. every time i see a couple, everytime i hear about a relationship, a wedding, a couple having a kid, every time i see a new house being built...tons of crap.....i don't want to think about what a wonderful life i'm missing out on. i just wish i could erase all our memories and just move on and be happy. i'm tired of being mad, i'm tired of being sad, i'm tired of this hopeless/helpless feeling. i can't even look at your pictures without getting mad. so i'm sure it sounds dumb and irrational. i can't explain it, but yeah, that's how i feel. so while i can be so mad at you, i can also still love you so much and miss you more than anything in this whole world.....go figure, life sucks and then you die. and ya know i'm sure you're up in heaven doin your thing and who am i to you anymore. i am nothing but a person on earth. how do i even know you will be waiting for me, how do i even know you remember me. how do i even know you care. for all i know you are in your own little world now and having a great time and i am here suffering and for what? is this supposed to make my life better in the long run? does this get me a free ticket to heaven? i doubt it, this suffering is doing nothing for me, but making me hate life and even you sometime. who am i to you now? i really feel like i am nothing to you now and here i sit suffering for you. basically, this is something so horrible i wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. i hope to see you soon. maybe you still love me even. maybe you'll even remember me?

so much love, your baby girl. xoxoxoxo

Adidas

my k-dub and yeah i've been missing 'k-dub', :) it's been awhile. i miss you so much....I wish so bad you could be here with me right now. I want you in my life....it's incomplete without you. it really is...i feel so lost. why can't you just come back. i can't even fathom going the rest of my life without you. i just hope i die soon....i can't even think about being retired without you....being an 80 year old without you....that's so long away and i always imagined you and me together throughout the future. to be alone is something i can't even think about. i don't want to be there without you. i just want all this to end. if i was dead i could be with you. i don't want to live in this petty little world without your love. i'm ready to see you right now, the sooner the better. i miss you, i miss you, i miss you! i want so bad to spend today with you. i am sick, so i stayed home from work. this time i really am sick...got a dumbass cold...cuz i ran myself into the ground. did i tell you i bought your cologne, adidas dynamic aftershave, cuz the smell reminds me of you. this sucks so bad. i hate life without you. i wish it didn't have to be this way. guess i'll go now, just wanted to tell you i love and miss you. your baby girl. oxoxoxox

What Hurts The Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

By Rascal Flatts

(I can't believe I like some country music now....i owe it all to you)

Stud

you're a stud. you're beautiful. i love so many things about you. this really sucks cuz i had the best thing in the whole world and now it's gone. to pretend like you were never here sucks but that's essentially what i havta do. pretend that you were never even a part of my life, that way i can focus on what i have to do each day. if i think about you during the day...which happens to be all the time, i can't focus on anything. it's easy to push you way back and not think about you. push you so far back it's like you never happened. that's easier than dealing with the pain of losing the best thing that has ever happened to me. i can never be with anyone ever again. you were it. i love god for lending you to me. and i love you for as long as i live and more and more and more. your baby girl. xoxoxo

Missing U

hey honey, it's your baby girl. today i'm missing you so much. there aren't words for how much i miss you. i thought of our first date, how we talked a lot in ---- when we first met, i thought about your crash and what you must've been thinking. i thought about us at church. hell, i thought about a lot. i went to the property today after church. i planted some trees. i was there from about 1030 to 730, but it sure wasn't long enough. i wanted to plant way more trees. maybe i planted about 50. all over by your tree. i watered your tree too, so i hope that helps it. jim showed up about 7 and we b.s.'ed for awhile. i met his wife, she seemed real nice. she invited me to her house anytime. she told me that ---- was her nephew (firefighter in ----). small world huh? i want to cry so bad but i can't. it hurts so bad, but i don't know what hurts. i can't pinpoint anything to cry about. just that you were so perfect and beautiful. the way we met was amazing...it was met to be....had to have been. why was this meant to be though? what did i do to deserve this pain worse than anything in the whole world. i would take all the physical pain in the world if i could lose this pain. it's days like this i don't think i could make it on a fire assignment. they're gonna try to get me in AZ sometime this week. it's on the tonto n.f., isn't that cool. hopefully, i can see my spot...but it's our spot now. even though you never physically went there with me, i know you know where it is now and you had to of been with me when we were there for the bachelorette thingee. anyway, i said i'd do it. a divs(t). you always seemed so proud of it and really wanted me to get it, so i am doing this for you. i hope ---- just signs me off. i doubt it, but all i want is to be divs so i can be a safety officer. hell, why do i even want that. i don't like this job. this was supposed to be my last year and i was gonna do something else. i really, really hope --- gets some bball job, so i can just pack up and say peace out. i'm kinda sick right now...sore throat that won't go away and just real, real tired. i gotta get up early tomorrow too...i haven't got to sleep in for awhile. i think wednesday i slept til 8 or so, then --- called and woke me up. i ran about 9 or 10 miles saturday then went to the river with --, --, -- and --...others too, but you wouldn't know 'em. got home kinda late...went to bed late...got up early to go to church...felt like crap, but of course wouldn't miss church for the world. sermon was awesome once again. i love it when father joe does them. i felt like he was talking right to me. or the lord was speaking through him. i could've cried so easy. i had to fight to hold back the tears. he talked about being in a "storm" and having faith. jesus will get you through the storm...don't doubt. he is in the boat with you. he spoke of his brother, sister in law, and nephew who got in a plane crash last fall and all were killed. he even doubted the lord...why did it have to happen...he said he had a rough time. it made me feel a little better. if father had a rough time than i certainly am ok to be having a rough time. he was so passionate talking and i swear it was for me...it certainly seemed that way. it was very touching. i'm so glad i'm going to church now. i wish it was closer so i could go every night. did i tell you i looked on the internet on how to be a nun. i might as well....i can't see myself with anyone ever again. i only wanted you. you were my soul mate. you were so perfect, we were so perfect. everything. we were so meant to be. i can't even fathom anyone coming close to you. there is just no way. anyhow, i had the best and i had my piece of heaven, so now nothing is left but to remember and smile. to go on with life and devote myself to the lord. i certainly don't want to devote myself to another person, i worship the lord now. maybe that's why he took you from me, because i worshiped you. and really you're not supposed to worship another human being....you're not supposed to place someone above the lord and i did. maybe that's why? who knows, i just know it sucks so bad and i really would be so fine if i just died right now. i would certainly feel bad for my family and i'd be so sorry, but this is awful. i want to be with the ones i love the most, you and the lord. they will come later, so that's what makes it ok. it would hurt them too, as this is hurting me, but if they only knew we will all be together. it will be marvaleous, i can't wait! i will get to see so many good people that are up there with you. did i tell you i had a dream about you the other night? first i saw grandma --- and we sat down and had a cup of coffee. i don't remember what we talked about or even if we talked. just that we were together, she was ok, i was happy and everything was all good. next, i was with you and you were showing me a video (vcr or dvd, if that even)....anyhow, it was a video of all your friends and you were showing me one guy, but i didn't know him. it was like we weren't apart at all and everything was normal. we were just together. when i have dreams like that i wish so bad you would be sooo happy to see me and give me hugs and kisses, but for some reason, it's like we haven't been apart long, so there's no need for hugs and kisses. i wish i would even be happy and hug and kiss you. don't get me wrong, we're not unhappy, we are just matter of fact together and it feels good. it's all good. well, i'm sick and feel like crap, so i'm going to go to bed now. i gotta get up at 5, so that's gonna suck. i miss you so, so, so, so much. it's so sad. i wish you were here. i love you forever and ever honey. love always, your baby girl xoxoxoxo

Greetings From Detroit

We should be here. I bet you'd be getting close to a TC. I wish we could've done this together. I love you so much and I miss you so much. I'd give anything to be in Detroit with you right now. I hope you still think of me becuz I think of you all the time! xoxoxo your baby girl

Attached Message

From:	acnnews@acninc.com
To:	----------------------
Subject:	Greetings from Detroit
Date:	Fri, 23 Jun 2006 3:36 PM

6-23-2006

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Letter

oh honey bunny, i just got on my other computer to get some music for ---. i was looking for one of my music lists in my documents and i saw 'to the one i love'

i certainly don't remember ever seeing this, but it was a letter from you (i don't know when you wrote it). it said we get a long so well because we can talk about a lot of things that other people don't and because we talk we will have a great relationship for the rest of our lives. it said you loved me very much and you were waiting to hold me in your arms.

of course it made me cry, i was sooo hoping i'd find something from you to me in all my unpackings and putting your things away. this letter from you made my day, but it also made me kinda sad because this really, really sucks. this isn't fair that our love was taken. god knows why, i don't. it just hurts me a lot and makes me really sad. i really miss you. i miss all the nice things you used to say to me. i miss your kiss. i miss your hugs. i just miss you...your laugh, your smile, your eyes, your hair....just everything. i miss spoiling you. i miss telling you how great you are. i miss smothering you. i miss laughing with you. i miss cuddling with you. i miss talking to you. i miss everything about you...i really do.

you're the best. you always will be and i will always love you and only you. always! so much love, your baby girl oxoxoxoxox

YOUR LETTER TO ME:

THE ONE I LOVE

Honey I am the luckiest person alive cause we talk about things and we seem to agree on things that most people would not. I believe we will have a great life together cause we will work together. You know that I don’t right a lot but just to let you know I love you so much and am sitting here waiting to hold you in my arms.

Hold Me

hold me when i'm falling apart

carry my weight

forever on me

i can only give you love

we were free like water

flowing under the warmth of the sun

look at us now

this doesn't need to be the end

hold me while i'm falling apart

tell me it's forever with you

forever it's you

forever in me



Art by Jean Mason

Hate

I hate this life. I hate today. I hate, I hate, I hate. I hate what's been done. I hate that I am alone. I hate that I am without you. I hate that I'm left here. I hate that other people have relationships and we don't. I hate that other people have kids and we never had the chance. I hate that other people are happy and I'm miserable. I hate being strong everyday. I hate work. I hate the dumb crap we do at work. I hate getting up every morning. I hate going to bed every night. I hate being awake. I hate talking to people. I hate being nice. I hate smiling. I hate looking at your picture. I hate all of this. I hate life without you. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I want it all to end. I'm tired. I want to run away and never turn around. I hate thinking about you all the time. I hate missing you so much. I hate being sad. I hate being lonely. I hate pretending I'm going to be ok. I want to go to bed and never wake up. I want it all to end. Today sucked, I was sad all day. I dreamed last night I was in Texas, San Antonio. I was by myself walking through what looked like a park. A big park like Central Park. The grass was green, it was sunny, nice. People were having picnics, jogging, walking on trails. Just a busy park. I was on the outskirts of San Antonio walking into it. I could see big bldg's on the horizon, probably about 2 miles away. Suddenly the space shuttle lifted off and everyone in the park stopped to watch it. We were all in awe, it was cool. The shuttle got so far up and it released off the main thing and as soon as the shuttle split away it took a sharp turn down and made a nose dive for the skyskrapers. It crashed into all the skyskrapers and made a huge explosion. Everyone was freaking out and crying. Big chunks of the bldgs and concrete chunks started falling out of the sky towards us. At first they were easy to dodge because they were falling slowly, but soon they were shooting at us really fast. Almost like bullets being shot at us. I had to dive to the ground to miss getting hit. I hid behind a tree but pieces were flying so low they were still almost hitting me so I crawled behind a bush and it was a little better. It really was like a war zone and getting shot at. After I crawled behind the bush I woke up. I'm pretty sure this was something about you. There was a huge crash and from there who knows. I know I keep replaying the crash over and over in my head. Your crash. I can piece together enough from the stories I've heard, the newspapers I've read and your death certificate to pretty much know how it probably happened. It replays over and over in my head. How you must have felt. What you must have seen. What you must have thought. It's like I can be in your shoes. It's scary and I know it must have sucked for you right before it happened and I wish more than anything you never had to experience that. I know it doesn't matter now, but just knowing that you had to go through that just tears me up. It makes me sick to my stomach. I think I dreamt about that crash cuz I keep thinking of your crash. It's also been just over 3 months since you died. I just feel like it's all crashing down on me and I hate every bit of it. On that note I just want to go. I hate it all. But I do love you, so much it hurts tremendously. I miss you so much I want to cry right now. It's a lot of pain and hurt. I wish I felt nothing. I love you eternally. xoxoxoxo your baby girl.

Hedges

You're all I need, you're all I see, you're all I want. If you were still alive, I'd build a hedge around our relationship.....keeping everyone out and only you and me in. I wouldn't need anybody else ever in my life. You were my life. I was there for you. I was there to cater to you. I was there to spoil you. I was there to be everything you ever wanted in a woman, in a wife. You were all I ever wanted in a husband, partner, companion, man. You deserved the best and I was there to give you nothing less than the best. If you were still alive I would've bought this book (Hedges) and we would've read it together. We would've had a hedge around our marriage so big, we wouldn't have been able to see out! :) Sometimes life just isn't fair is it? Now I look at this book and wish we could've shared it together, instead it's just that...a book. Just there for no reason. It doesn't apply to me or my life anymore. I wish it didn't have to be this way. It makes my life sad and I hate it! We were supposed to share special stuff like this. Always growing together and always loving unconditionally. We had the best relationship ever in the whole world.....I miss it so bad. I love you forever and ever. xoxoxo

Your baby girl.

Amazon.com: Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough To Protect It: Books: Jerry B. Jenkins,Tim F. LaHaye

You Take My Breath Away

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take- but by the moments that take our breath away.