What Is A Dad?

This would be you if you were placed in those shoes. That's the kind of guy you are and that's why I love you soooooo much. Cool story. Also what else is cool about you is this story is a tear jerker and I know you will shed a tear, that is also why I think you are so amazing and why I love you so much. You are soooo real. I love you honey, you are the best! :) xoxoxox

http://www.whoisthemonkey.com/videos/42/worlds-strongest-dad

Hard Time

I have such a hard time now acknowledging you.....stupid, i know. I shove you so far back in my mind that you don't exist for me all day, everyday. If I even think of you, I shake my head and tell myself to shut up. It hurts sooooo much, I'm starting to cry now. I hate this. I wish this NEVER would have happened. I hate my life without you now, I absolutely can't stand it. I look at your ak-47 and think how ez it would be to end all this pain and misery. As I've said before i would never do that, but oh how i want to. I would never make it to Heaven if i did that. I can't take that chance. If I think it's bad now, I can only imagine the hell I'd be in if I committed suicide. I just want to be back together so bad. So, so bad. This is killing me honey. Winter is so hard. I keep waiting for your call as it gets dark cuz I know you're done flying. I keep thinking your gone for 2 weeks and I'll get to see you. I keep thinking I'll be driving up to --- to see you soon. I think of you, I think of you, I think of you and you never go away. This brings more memories than the summer and it's not cuz I'm not working and my minds not occupied. It's because this is the main time we spent together, winters is when we made our most memories. This is awful. I hate my life without you. It feels so empty and meaningless. I just wish I could push a fast fwd button and be months, weeks or days away from death. I need you. I read one of your emails the other day and it just killed me. It said "as i sit here with tears in my eyes thinking of you...I would die if you ever left me, I NEEED you in my life" You wrote that to me and look now, I am in that boat. Honey, I NEED you in my life. Going on without you is horrible. I hate it. I don't know what to do. It hurts so bad and I'm so tired of hurting, I'm so tired of the excrutiating pit and pain in my gut whenever you come to mind, I'm so tired of crying everytime I think of you or look at your picture. I'm so lonely. Not lonely for anyone or anybody, just you. I am lonely because you have left this huge void in my life. No one can fill it. No one. I get so tired of the pain, that is why i keep shoving you back and back and back. I don't want any more pain. So I'm sorry I haven't emailed you as much or thought about you as much or looked at your picture as much. It's too painful....I just want it all to go away. I want you back in my life so bad. I miss what we had - God, I miss it so much. It's not fair. I hurt.....

bad.

I love you honey, more than anything in this world. I can't stop crying, I need to go. I want you back....please, I'd give anything, even my own life. Luv you forever, xoxoxoxox, your baby girl.

"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

I LOVE U

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what
this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and
get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to
watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her
interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire
and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to
hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest
as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she
thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and
purifier of silver.” She asked the silversmith if it was true that he
had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was
being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there
holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire
time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the
flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How
do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and
answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it"


If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his
eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

This very moment, someone needs to know that God is watching over them
and that He will not leave them in the flame one moment longer than
necessary to see His image.


And, whatever you're going through, if you find gratitude for His Master
Plan you will grow spiritually and become more like JESUS!

Pray

I pray so hard you are looking out for me. Well, I'm pretty sure you are, but nothing is certain. Please look out for me honey. I want everything to be ok. Someday I hope you will come to me and tell me it will be ok. I love you always and forever!! Your Baby Girl xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Emails

I found these randomly floating around...in your inbox on your computer. Don't know if I had them saved on my computer or not. Either way they made me think of how much we loved each other. I love you honey bunny, and that's forever!
The first two were from you to me and the last three were from me to you. Remember those good ol' days hon? Damn, I miss that love we shared....hurts to be reminded of what we had and how you are no longer here. :(

Sat, 1 Oct 2005 1:02 PM
Subject: Re: I love and care for you and miss you! xoxoxo

---- I LUV U SO MUCH ^CANT WAIT TO TALK WITH YOU BABY GIRL

Sent: Sat, 1 Oct 2005 1:07 PM
Subject: Re: Fwd: True Friends]

 AS I SIT HERE IN THE PICKUP WRITING THIS TO YOU WITH TEARS IN MY EYES I WANT
YOU TO KNOW THAT I NEEEEED YOU IN MY LIFE AND I TOO WOULD DIE IF YOU EVER WALKED
AWAY I LUV YOU SO MUCH!!!!!

Sent: Thu, 23 Feb 2006 1:34 PM
Subject: Happy Birthday

I care for you so much. I only want the best for you because you deserve the best. You are the most amazing person I've ever met. Everyday I continue to thank God for bringing you into my life. I really, really miss you and I wish I could spend your birthday with you. You are special, stay sweet. Happy birthday and I love you.

Sent: Sun, 26 Feb 2006 10:33 AM
Subject: Re: MIS U !!!

u are sooooooooooo beautiful. yes, we are lucky to have found each other. you are lucky you talked to me and i am lucky i listened and talked back. so lucky. i'm thankful u are one of those people who just goes up to anybody and talks! u r so special to me, my life would be so empty without you. i wish i could just travel with you everywhere u went all year long. i want to be with you all the time! i am so looking forward to when u come home. there will be lots of HTL and P'ing (huggin, touchin, lovin and pleasin) :)

Sent: Thu, 2 Mar 2006 12:10 PM
Subject: hi honey

hey hon, i hope you had a good drive home. the weather is beautiful, a good day for driving. isn't it lovely that only miles from ------ there is little to no snow. i can't wait for all this snow to melt off! thank you so much for staying with me, you don't even know how much it means to me. i wish we could spend more time together, but i know you are busy and other people demand your time. someday we will be able to be together all the time. :) thanks again so much for visiting me....i love you so much. i am so lucky to be with such a beautiful man. you make me smile! have a good, productive day. i can't wait to see you again! love you so, so much, your baby girl.

Nov. 17th

Just wanted to sadly say it's been 8 months since you've died. I couldn't bring myself to write you a letter today....the mood just wasn't right to give you the justice you deserve, but I will have one for you shortly. I have been composing a nice long journal of sorts to add to the rest of my writings, but it's too impersonal to count as a letter. I miss you horribly honey. I miss you so much and I feel so empty. Life without you is so lonely. I miss my shining star, my angel from above. I love you honey. I wish I could see you, I'd give anything to have one last moment with you, just to touch you and feel you next to me. Just for a moment of comfort, safety and piece of mind that only you could bring me. I miss you baby, Love you for the rest of my life, your baby girl. oxox

Running Around In Circles

That is my mind, running around in circles. Some days are just too hard. I miss you so, so much. I'm soo lonely. This makes me so sad. I'm so tired of this. I want you back in my life so bad. It's unbearable at times. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. This sucks A LOT! I MISS U. I'll say it, I hate God for taking you from me. I hate life without you. It's empty.

Pastor Coreys Blog

A section out of Pastor Coreys blog:

Monday, April 03, 2006
Good to be home....

We weren't in ----- on Sunday, March 26th. We traveled to -------, Oregon that weekend to serve at the memorial service for ----------, 39. May he rest in peace. Please remember his family-especially his fiance ----------- in your prayers-this was a sudden loss.
We thank God for the gift of life given to the world that was ---------------.

More Randomness

Clean is the autumn wind,
Splendid the autumn moon,
The blown leaves are heaped and scattered,
The ice-cold raven starts from its roost.
Dreaming of you - when shall I see you again?
On this night sorrow fills my
heart.

The loss of you, "Lover", is the most painful and disorienting experience life can offer. Life seems bleak and empty, my mind becomes a pool of muddled thoughts. Losing you, my "spouse", is so painful and the grief I feel as I struggle through the grieving process can be overwhelming.

Grief has a tendency to creep up in the odd hours of the day and the night and can be overwhelming.

I feel there's no one in the world who understands my pain, my fears, my irrational thoughts, "griefbursts", guilt, and that overwhelming feeling of being lost.

"I need someone who believes that the sun will rise again, but who does not fear my darkness. Someone who can point out the rocks in my way without making me a child by carrying me. Someone who can stand in thunder and watch the lightning and believe in a rainbow." - Father Joe Mahoney

Losing a soul mate to a tragedy brings undescribable pain -- you can only understand if you have gone through it.

I feel like I'm walking in a cloud or a haze. Everything seems surreal. No one anywhere seems to understand what I'm going through.

Last night I was doing laundry when suddenly I heard my TV, which was on a night time talk show, switch to music. I thought the show had a musical guest, but when I came back upstairs I realized the channel was switched to the 90's music channel. It was the Wallflowers - 6th Avenue Heartache. Funny thing is I remember being with you and hearing that song 3 times in less than a week and it was all in the same spot, the fire station down the road from your house. Even before you died that memory was always in my head...just because hearing that song in the same spot 3 times in less than a week was weird. So I've been hearing it quite a bit recently and of course it makes me think of you. So when I came upstairs and found my TV had switched stations and that song was on, well, I knew it was you. Thanks for the 'sign' honey. I love you for that. Hopefully I'll see you soon. I can't wait! All my love, your baby girl. xoxoxoxo

Love Is

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails"
I Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV)

Love is best seen as devotion and action, not an emotion. Love is not exclusively based on how we feel. Certainly our emotions are involved, but they cannot be our only criteria for love. True devotion will always lead to action - true love.

falling in love: euphoria, exhilaration, elation.

I'm madly in love with you honey...I always will be. Always. Forever. You were the best there ever was and you're the best there ever will be.

Unbearable

Sometimes I think of your face or that you're gone forever or how much I miss you and I get the most unbearable pit in my stomach. I HAVE to stop thinking about it and think of something else. I feel like I'm going to puke. It's the worst feeling I've ever had in my life. I swear to God it's unbearable...I can't keep thinking about you. I really do have to think of anything else. It's like for a split second I completely comprehend what has really happened and you are gone forever. I can't handle that, I get the pit in my stomach and I think of something else. It's like I really can't face the facts yet. I need to take this in small doses and I must be for the most part cuz usually I can handle this, but like I said, every now and then the whole big picture just hits me and I feel so, so sick. I hate it. Today really is one of those days I can't think about you or us at all. It's sinking in way too real today. You know I'm so tired of this rollercoaster ride I'm on. I'm tired of being able to cope one day and maybe I can even laugh and joke and if just for a minute I can think of something besides you. On the other hand I could feel helpless and so sick to my stomach the very next minute. I could hate life, I could be so, so sad I dont' even want to live. I just want to die and go to Heaven with you. Then the next minute I think, I'm okay, it happened and I am strong and I will be okay. It's so dynamic. I hate this. I hate this range of emotions. So unpredictable all the time. I hate that I don't have anyone to help me through this. I hate that I don't have anyone that can make it all go away and make me feel better. I hate that it should be you holding me tight and it should be you that I break down and cry to and it should be you that I confess all my feelings, good and bad. I hate that it was supposed to be you and me for a lifetime and now I feel so absolutely empty. And I hate that I wonder if I'll ever be the same again, if I'll ever be normal again, if I should devote the rest of my life you, if it's okay to fall in love again, if I'm even able to love again. I hate the doubt I have about every aspect of my life now. I hate that it's all been turned upside down and I'm left reeling and spiraling out of control. I'm so upset, I'm so tired. I wish more than anything in the whole wide world that this had never happened. I miss you terribly and I'm having a hard time accepting my fate and coping. No matter how much I pray, no matter how much I read, no matter how positive I try to remain. I want to be normal and happy again. I'm so tired of how I feel and what this has done to me. I'm tired of being so strong on the outside and feeling so weak on the inside. I want you -----, I want you back in my life so bad. So, so bad. I love you honey and I miss you so much. Please come save me from this hell. Please honey, don't let me down. I love you forever my K-dub. Love, your baby girl.

More Sweet Dream

I remember more to my dream about you and me on the couch together. Before that I was who knows where/somewhere...it was like a video game setting and there were soldier looking guys all around me and they started shooting at me. They were trying to kill me. I got hit and I could feel it tingling. I knew I got shot but I hadn't died so I fell to the ground to try to cover myself, so I wouldn't get shot anymore. Well, all of them kept shooting at me and I could feel the bullets going through my sides and it was tingling. Finally, they got closer and the one guy saw I was still alive...I was trying to drag myself away. He walked right up to me and shot me in the head. After that I don't remember anything. I do know this part of my dream happened before the part where I was with you. Maybe I died and went to Heaven and that's why you and me were together. Who knows, just wishful thinking. Here's what they say about getting killed/murdered in the dream dictionary:

To dream that you are murdered, suggests that some important and significant relationship has been severed and you are trying to disconnect yourself from your emotions.

To dream that you have been killed, suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions. Alternatively, it refers to drastic changes that are happening in your life.

Note also that dreams of murder occur frequently during periods of depression.

Sweet Dream

I had another sweet dream about you last night. We were on a couch which was fairly public because all sorts of people kept walking by....it's like people had to walk by this couch to get into a hallway which led to the bathroom. I remember ----- walked by, ----, --- and I think --- and even ---. Everyone would stop and talk to you while I just laid next to you and cuddled to you so tight. Basically, it was kind of one of those 'feeling' dreams again. I remember being ecstatic about being with you. I was laughing deeply and caring deeply. I was smiling so big and so, so happy. We were just joking, laughing and being silly. Both of us having so much fun. I don't remember too many specifics of what we were saying or doing, but I do remember the joy and laughter. I know we were both hugging and cuddling a lot, we both wanted to get intimate, but there were people always walking by like I said earlier, so we kind of would but then someone would come by so we'd both just laugh and smile like we were innocent. We were like two kids that just got caught with our hands in the cookie jar. With that mischievious smile that pretty much says I'm guilty. I do remember L-Roy, yep just like I remember him too (big). Anyhow, we were both so happy. Words weren't ever really said, we were all smiles. The only words I remember happened when we were actually separated on the couch. ---- had just stopped by to say hi and you sat up to one side of the couch and I, the other, after she left you asked me to come to your side of the couch and I said ok but laying on that side of the couch made my back hurt. Then, for who knows what reason, I asked how old you were and you said 39. Right after that you turned into a girl with blue shorts on and a headband and I woke up....and guess what? My back hurt. So that's my dream, it wasn't short lived, even though I only remember a few distinct moments on the couch, we were there for a long time and I dreamed about being with you for a long time, it wasn't just a quick moment like some of my dreams. So I am happy, I got to spend last night with you and sometimes that makes all the difference in my mood and my day. Thanks for being with me last night. I love you for that! I love you always no matter what! ALWAYS! Gotta go to work now....running in the rain. Wish u were here. :) Love ALWAYS, your baby girl! oxxoxoxoxo

---

Rewind In Time

I read some of the old emails I sent you and they brought a tear to my eye. I loved you so, so, so, so much. My emails to you are exactly how they are now as fas as the love I express. A lot of times they say you idealize how it really was, but there's none of that here. I can read my emails to you and I'm so expressive and loving. I loved you more than the world. It's so hard to read them and realize it's no more. It's really, really sad. I just wanted to say hi and that I love you still more than the world. I want to be with you in Heaven right now so bad. I miss you honey...a lot. Reading those emails puts a pit in my stomach and makes me rewind back in time like you're still here. It really does take me back, just like it was yesterday. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I do know it hurts. It hurts a lot. It really does put an awful pit in my stomach and an emptiness in my heart. I miss you honey. I love you always and forever, your baby girl. xoxoxox

Back In Time

This is an excerpt from my journal when we first started dating. What's funny is I didn't write too much, because in the past if I wrote a lot about anyone I was seeing, we always broke up, so I thought it was a jinx. This is all I have, I never got to share it with you until now.

Aug. 27th, 2004
Haven’t written in here since July 8th. A lot has happened since then. We had a fire bust, got on a few fires and got some OT. The bust ended about a week ago. Since then it’s been raining cats n dogs. Just like Seattle.
Work has been great. The crew is the bomb, I couldn’t ask for better people.
Met a guy who’s sooo awesome. I want to give 100% to him – be faithfully his, well, just like I always am. It’s just this time I have no desire to be with anyone else or even look. All I want is to be with ------ the whole time. I want to be exclusively with him and he gets me exclusively. I have so much respect for ------, I could never do anything to hurt him. So I think this one’s for realz! The only thing that scares me is it all seems to good to be true and it’s all happening so fast. Other than that he has to be the one. I haven’t felt this way since the last time I was in love (or thought I was) with ---. Yeah, I said love, can ya’ believe that! I think it’s pretty safe to say I’m falling in love with -----.
So the background is we worked together last year (2003) on some burns and I thought he was funny then…nothing more. Then this spring we worked a bit more together on some prescribed burns. PSD on ----- out by -----. We were playing guess that song on the radio in the helicopter. Then some PSD on ------ for mountain goats. That was a great time….chasing mt. goats up the side of ----- in a helicopter. We saw a lot of elk, deer, bear, cougars…seems like everything. Pretty memorable. Also tried to PSD up -------, my disposable camera fell out of my big ol’ flight suit pocket. I was supposed to go with him another day…he landed at -----, but -------- went instead. I was actually bummed I couldn’t go, by then I thought he was kinda cool. Oh yeah, last year he was the pilot for the ----- Fire up near -----. I remember how funny he was then. Once he even commenting about seeing some girl going pee over by our tents as he flew away from our fire. We joked a lot this spring doing the prescribed burn thing. So fast fwd to this summer. I went on the ----- fire – wait, wait – first I was duty officer in the office and we talked a lot then. He would come in the office and visit me quite a bit. All this time though I was trying to get him to call ----- in dispatch because she liked him. (He never did) Soon I found myself sneaking out of the office for a few minutes at a time just to talk to him. I ended up going to the ------- fire. As I was hiking in he was flirting with me over Air/Ground on the radio. Even the people on the fire were saying that. By this time I was really starting to like him. It made me smile. After I came back from that fire and worked with him a bit in ----- getting sling loads together n stuff. He asked me for my number at the end of one of my days, I was outside so I said I'd get it to him, but really I had no intention. I’m still thinking I can’t do this to -----, she likes him. Not to mention she’s my friend! So that day passed and I got out of giving him my number. But the next day came and went and he asked again. This time I was in the office, so I gave him my card cuz it only had my cell number which has no coverage in ------- and it also had only my work number. That way I thought he couldn’t get a hold of me and ------ and him could still get together. Well, it really didn’t work cuz my dumb sub conscious ass was calling my cell phone to check my messages as I was looking at his number and I called him! Needless to say I was shocked when a man’s voice answered the phone. We talked for hours and next thing ya know we had planned a date. Aug. 11th. I went to ---- and we went to the Olive Garden. He wore a blue Hawaiian shirt and some peuter colored shorts. We had great conversation…never a lull. I ended up staying up there with him, but we didn’t do anything. Just a first kiss (or kisses). Next day he was in ------, so I drove up that night and we stayed together at ------ . ** After that I volunteered to be a helicopter crewmember for ---- (manager). She smiled and knew something was up cuz I hate helicopters and helicopter crewmember is booooring! That lasted a couple days. Most of the nights I spent with ----- at ------ (name?) Cabins on the ---. I ended up going on the ---- Fire with ------. ------ supported us 3 long days and 4 long nights. I couldn’t focus or sleep because all I could think about was him. It was such an exciting time! I couldn’t wait to hear his voice on the radio and I especially couldn’t wait to see him again! I even hiked to the top of some alder brushed ridge top just so I could call him really early in the morning before he left from ---. Long ass time it seemed not to see him. Finally, he flew us out of there and we spent the rest of the days together. I went up to --- and stayed with him again before he left for Connecticut. That was Saturday (a week ago). He left Sunday. He’s training to be a K-Max pilot. I just can’t wait to talk to him again…actually see him. I’ve talked to him everyday since the fire bust. I miss him A LOT! So, it’s been cool. I just hope I don’t get scared and trip out like I did with ---- or ----! I like ----- sooo much, I’m pretty sure it won’t happen, but it’s still in the back of my mind. Anyway, today is Friday, my day off and ---- is coming here to run with me and then we’re gonna go to ----- to get some new tires on the ‘stang. So there’s the update. Peace out. One.

I’ll have to go into more detail later when I have more time about the walk we had to the river, running back in the rain, hanging out in the pilots rig, our talks, sitting in the helicopter during a rainstorm….etc. etc. etc.


Sept. 14th, 2004

Still with ---- and very much in love. It’s all been very good. I’m pretty sure he’s who I want to be with for the rest of my life. Every now and then if I really think about the reality of it I might trip a little and think, “damn, I’m gonna lose my freedom and have to do what someone else wants, I’m gonna have to revolve my life around someone else and include them in all my plans and me in theirs.” Honestly it doesn’t scare me too bad, I think it’s more weird than anything. Just that I’ve never had to live like that before. Just reality slapping me across the face is all. But for realz being with him is so comfortable, more so and quicker than ---- or -----. It’s more real. I really love him a lot. I have so much respect and love for him. Just writing that makes me miss him right now sooo much. He’s in Klamath Falls, OR right now. Tomorrow is his first day flying the K-Max on the job. He’s supposed to be down there a week for his first time, but I’m thinking he will be gone up to two weeks. He’s supposed to work 2 wks on 2 wks off. Bottom line is I miss him. A LOT. Don’t know much else to say. Just I love and miss ----- a lot! Oh yeah, spent last 2 weekends with him. Met his kids – ---- and ------. They’re sweet as can be. Not used to having 2 kids run around, but it’s all good. Better go to bed, almost midnight. Peace out. One.

Sept. 16th, 2004

Damn ---- if you only knew how much I love you….so, so much. Well, you do, but you should never doubt my love. Never. Just thinking how much this sucks. This is not good….------ being gone. I need him to be here. I don’t see ----- and when we talk on the phone it’s really short and he’s around other people. I guess you could say there’s no quality to it. Quantity for that matter. I’m gonna need some serious strength to keep this up. I want a relationship to be normal for once. Does everything in my life have to be this difficult? I swear, some people just have good things fall into their laps or good luck. However you wanna look at it. It seems all I have are one non normal relationship after another. Not to say ours isn’t normal…it is very normal and beautiful….well, besides the distance. So don’t get the wrong idea. I guess it’s just that I finally have something special and great and I want to be with him all the time. And it’s hard to be apart because of the love I have for him. We will work this out….anything worth keeping is worth the effort, so we will do whatever we have to do to make this better. No doubt it will be fixed. Plus it will get better once I get laid off and I can go with him on his 2 wks off. ---- just called, he makes me feel great. He’s so loving and after I talk to him I know. He’s the one. Damn, I just need more of him. This separation sucks. I gotta hang in there. God give me strength. I can do this. Peace out. One.

Another Dream

last night i had another dream about you....it was really, really vague. i dreamed about a lot of weird things last night.... and a lot of people were in my dreams. i was in a big mansion or farm house out in the country...it was dark...i drove away in my ------- in the middle of the night. a whole different thing now....i was in a vehicle with ---, we were driving in like a log yard or something .... all muddy ... but gravel where the road were in between the log decks....--- was driving......a big storm was coming in and we were watching huge waves crash along the beach that was off in the distance. another new dream.....i noticed a gift shop along a street....it was in the seattle area, because i was bummed dad couldn't have went to it while we were visiting ----.....the shop was full of antique john deere toys. i asked a lady for her card. she didn't have one so she wrote down her name and address. i left out the back and went into an alley. your dream-i don't remember much at all, but seeing you and the feelings i had. i don't know where we were, i don't remember the background or atmosphere, but i'm pretty sure we were by ourselves....i was a couple feet from your face just gazing at you. you were either talking, smiling or laughing....because i was just being quiet watching/listening to you. i said, see these are the moments i miss, just watching you ______. fill in the blank with whatever you were doing. i can't remember....i either said smiling, laughing or talking. i was so happy though....that was the feeling i remember, being content and so, so happy. i was just beaming. not talking, just smiling and looking at you. gazing at you....taking it all in. enjoying the moment. so that's all i can remember, but i love it...i love dreaming about you because like i've said before it's like i was with you last night. i wake up and it feels so real. i'll be headed to --- shortly...----- is over and we will be celebrating -----'s birthday. wish you could be with us....well, i know u will be, i mean physically. i'll love you forever, as long as i live and of course, in heaven.....i'll love you 'til the end of time (if that even exists). you're the best....love you honey bunny. xoxoxox

An Unquiet Mind Pt. 2

We all build internal sea walls to keep at bay the sadness of life and the often overwhelming forces within our minds. In whatever way we do this - through love, work, family, faith, friends, denial, alcohol, drugs, or medication - we build these walls, stone by stone, over a lifetime. One of the most difficult problems is to construct these barriers of such a height and strength that one has a true harbor, a sanctuary away from the crippling turmoil and pain, but yet low enough, and permeable enough, to let in fresh sea water that will fend off the inevitable inclination toward brackishness.

Love is, to me, the ultimately more extraordinary part of the breakwater wall: it helps to shut out the terror and awfulness, while, at the same time, allowing in life and beauty and vitality. Love is a sustainer, a renewer, and a protector.

With your death in my heart, it is my hope, that someday love will return to re-create hope and to restore life. Love makes the inherent sadness of life bearable, and its beauty manifest. It provides not only a cloak, but lantern for the darker seasons and grimmer weather. This hope of love is Heaven. Where there is no sadness, only love.

I have abandoned the notion of a life without storms, or a world without dry seasons. Life is too complicated, too constantly changing, to be anything but what it is. There will always be propelling, disturbing elements and they will be there until "the watch is taken from the wrist".

If given the choice to have met you or not. The answer would be yes, I would do it all again. It's complicated. This sadness, emptiness, depression is awful beyond words. I would not want to go through this again. It stresses relationships, there is an inability to enjoy life, to walk or talk or think normally, the exhaustion, the sleepless nights and the intrusive memories, whether you want them or not. There is nothing good to be said for this. This is what it must feel like to be old and sick, to be dying; to be slow of mind; to have no belief in the possibilities of life, the pleasures of sex, the exquisiteness of music or the ability to make yourself and others laugh. Others may imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job or broke up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. This void I have has no feelings. Instead it is flat, hollow and unendurable. It is also tiresome. It's hard to be around people when you are depressed. I'm irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding. No reassurance is never enough. I'm frightened and I'm not at all like myself, but supposedly I will be soon, but I know I won't. I'll never be myself again. So why would I want anything to do with this loss? You opened my eyes to love, life and so many more things. Because of you I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and been more loved; laughed more often and even cried tears of joy, happiness, and love; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters; appreciated life more; because of you I've experienced caring and loyalty at its deepest level; I've seen the finest in people, I've seen the breadth and depth and width of my mind and heart and seen how frail they both are, and how ultimately unknowable they both are. Devastated, I have crawled on my hands and knees after your death and felt the depths of a hell that can only be the equevicable opposite of the love that I have for you. It has tested the limits of my mind and the limits of my faith. This has brought into my life a different level of faith, feeling and thinking. Even when I have been at my lowest I have been aware of finding new corners in my mind and heart. Some of those corners held you, they were incredible and beautiful and took my breath away and made me feel as though I could die right then and the images of you and your love would sustain me. I can't imagine becoming jaded to life because I know of those limitless corners with their limitless views. So although you aren't physically with me today, if I reach deeply into those corners, there you are in all your beauty. And if just for a moment I experience a short reprise from this loneliness, it takes me somewhere so heavenly, I know I'm with you even if only for a moment.

An Unquiet Mind

A week or so ago grandma -- asked me to order her 10 books. All of them have something to do with politics or history, except this one that just came in the mail today. (This book was meant to be. Why would grandma order this one and why is it crossing my path) It's called An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison. It's about her struggle to overcome manic-depression all the while getting her PhD/ doctorate or whatever from UCLA and becoming a very successful doctor. As I'm reading she goes through terrible struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts. During this time she takes lithium, but because she's so stubborn and thinks she can conquer this on her own, she takes herself off of it. This is when she loses her first husband and finally 'loses her mind'. She's hospitalized for awhile and it's kept on the hush. She gets back on lithium and receives her tenure. It's during this time she meets David (again). Someone she had known a long while back, yet she was married. He always liked her and they'd always kept in touch off and on. Now he knows she's single again and he comes to visit her. She writes of long walks, her new found enjoyment of life, the beauty of the time they were spending together. "Long nights and early mornings of incredible passion made me again believe in, or remember, how important a sense of life is to love, and love to life." At this point I had to put the book down and cry. The love they were feeling described us. It hurts to read of something so close yet so far. We had that and now it's gone. I feel a great sense of loss when I read of something so beautiful....cuz we had it. While she was visiting him in London (she lived in Cali) she dropped her pill bottle losing all her lithium, so she had to tell him she was manic-depressive so he could get her a new prescription of lithium. Without the lithium she would relapse and have another episode. So that night she told him. After a bit of silence he simply said, "rotten luck". "David could not have been kinder or more accepting, he asked me question after question about what I had been through, what had been most terrible, what had frightened me the most, and what he could do to help me when I was ill." She felt for the first time somebody finally understood, that she was not alone in dealing with all of her pain and uncertainty. He started to take care of her. "After knowing David, I never again saw life in its worst possible spirit". Eventually she had to leave London and go back to Cali, but they met up and spent time together in different places throughout the rest of the year. "We wrote and spoke often, missed one another". "I enjoyed life in ways that I hadn't for years". She spent more time with David that spring in London. Before she left for home they had made plans to once again spend time together in just a few short weeks. Shortly after arriving home there was a knock on her door. It was a courier with a letter informing her of Davids death, he had a heart attack. I have set the book down now. It's so hard to read this, I know the love she finally felt. How life felt so right. Suddenly it's gone. She needed him, like I needed you, like you needed me. I can't believe this would happen to her. So I'm going to keep reading and I'll write more as I come across something that touches me.....

"bit by bit, began to understand that the future I had assumed, and the love and support I had come to depend upon, were gone"

"there were so many dreams lost: all of our plans for a house full of children were lost; all of seemingly everything was lost"

"the shock of Davids death gradually disappeared over time. Missing him never has."

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied

Who told me time would ease me of my pain!

I miss him in the weeping of the rain;

I want him at the shrinking of the tide;

The old snows melt from every mountain-side,

And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;

But last year's bitter loving must remain

Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.

There are a hundred places where I fear

To go, ---- so with his memory they brim.

And entering with relief some quiet place

Where never fell his foot or shone his face

I say, "There is no memory of him here!"

And so stand stricken, so remembering him."

"the accumulated pain and uncertainty from David's death for several years very much lowered and narrowed my expectations of life. I drew into myself and, for all intents and purposes, shuttered my heart from unnecessary exposure to the world."

"thank you for the lovely weekend.

they tell me it rained." - there were weekends with you i felt like that, we were so into each other, we had no clue what was going on in the outside world.

Well, she eventually gets over Davids death, meets someone else and marries him. I can't relate to that right now, so I don't like it. I feel like if someone really was your one and only true love, there isn't anyone else out there for you. So now I think that David was not 'the one', if he was she wouldn't have gotten over him so quick and found someone else. I was thinking she was really going to spiral downward with her condition and with his death. I look at me and think your death is a great burden to my well being. If I was already weakened by something like what she's been describing (manic-depression) than I swear I would've went off the deep end, just because you mean soooo much to me. I love you honey more than anything ever in this world, you are the best, i can't wait 'til the day we can be together again. 'god will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead and his kingdom will have no end' i love you always forever and ever, your baby girl oxoxxox

Edna St. Vincent Millay

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied

Who told me time would ease me of my pain!

I miss him in the weeping of the rain;

I want him at the shrinking of the tide;

The old snows melt from every mountain-side,

And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;

But last year's bitter loving must remain

Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.

There are a hundred places where I fear

To go, ---- so with his memory they brim.

And entering with relief some quiet place

Where never fell his foot or shone his face

I say, "There is no memory of him here!"

And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

Hugo Wolf

"I appear at times merry and in good heart, talk, too, before others quite reasonably, and it looks as if I felt, too, God knows how well within my skin. Yet the soul maintains its deathly sleep and the heart bleeds from a thousand wounds." - Hugo Wolf

This is how I feel most of the time now honey. On the outside reasonable, yet dying on the inside. I miss you terribly. I really think about being with you in Heaven a lot. I read the Bible, my prayer book and other catholic books a lot. I don't want to leave anything to chance. I absolutely NEED to be with you again. If this is what it takes to get closer to God, it's unfortunate, but so be it. I need to do this so I can be guaranteed a spot next to you in Heaven. I cry often now throughout the day. Off and on. Anything could spur it, I never know when. I'm very sad and empty. I miss everything about you and what we shared. I'd give anything to feel your touch, your love. I miss it. You are absolutely beautiful....and I was the luckiest girl in the whole wide world. I love you forever...you and only you. Your Baby Girl. xoxoxox

Hero

I never again will look at the sky and see only vastness and beauty. From that day on I saw that death was also and always there.

It became clear, from your message to the landing before you died, that you knew you could save your own life by landing right there. You also knew, however, that by doing so you risked that the helicopter would fall to the landing and kill those who were there. Instead, risking you own life, you took the chance and attempted to fly back to service. We all know the rest of the story. Your final message, "tell my girls i love them". You knew.

I love you too....always....your baby girl. oxoxoxox

Dream

I dreamt about you last night (whoo hoo). We were outside yet there was a oven there and you were stirring something on the oven. I was beside you (like I always was when we were in the kitchen) and I just kept staring at you thinking how beautiful you were. ---- was just around the corner. It was like we were in a house but we were really outside, so while it felt like --- was in the other room, I guess it was just the feeling cuz she was really somewhere outside with us not too far away, our view of her was just obstructed by something. So as I'm looking at you, I tell you that you're soo beautiful and lean up to kiss you. It was just a peck because you said ----'s over there. Just like back in the day when we were in the kitchen and we'd kiss and we'd have to settle down and stop cuz ---- was in the other room. Next thing I remember is we were not too far away in a different spot with ---- and there was a gigantic earth worm. You seen those things before? It was probably about 4 feet long and a foot around. We were looking at it, but not getting too close. It slithered away into a big hole in the ground. --- and I went up to the hole and looked in. At first it was dark, but then it got kind of light near the entrance and the hole got big enough to walk in. Kind of like a cave, so we walked a little way in. Immediately there was a corner so we looked around the corner and there was the earthworm. I started throwing rocks at it and it started slithering towards us. We went back outside and you were still there, so we stood next to you and threw rocks at it. It actually hissed and we were surprised. We all followed it for a ways and as we threw more rocks at it, it grew a shell or type of armor. The landscape was like a desert, I don't remember too many trees (if any) at all and the ground was really dry and it was hard even to find rocks to throw. It eventually slithered away and I don't remember any more of you.

What's funny is you hardly ever talk in my dreams. In fact usually you don't. So even though you said just one thing I was surprised. You may have said more when we were investigating the worm, but it seems more like you were just watching and admiring. Like a bystander. It's vague, remembering if you talked anymore.

Well, I have to be to work in twenty minutes (ugh), better go.

I love you and dreaming about you helps, it makes it feel real, like I was just with you. I really like the feeling I have now. Just like in the dream, I could stare at you for hours, you are really so, so beautiful. It may sound corny, but your beauty was hypnotizing. I love you forever honey. So, so, sooooo much. your baby girl, xxoxoxoxox