Every Morning

not like sugar rays song, every morning - "every morning there's a halo haning on my the corner of my four piece bed....."

hah, not here. every morning i wake up and YOU are the FIRST thought in my head.....nothing in particular, just ----. gets old, i can't control it, that's just what i think. i would love it if i thought ---- cuz today was the day I was leaving to see you or today was the day you were coming home from 2 wks or today was the day we were going somewhere together or even better you were laying next to me. but there's no hope for any of that, so it sucks to think of something you can't have EVERY morning first thing. great way to start the day. oh, you detect bitterness....i wonder why?

sorry i bitch to you, you don't deserve it. :( just cuz i don't like thinking about you first thing (just cuz it hurts dammit) doesn't mean i don't love you. therein lies the problem, i love you toooooo much, soooooo much. my love for you is equivelant to the pain and hurt i feel, so you know that is A LOT.

well, i love you so much more than i could ever type.....you know that. my only hope in this life is to see you SOON. i love you eternally, your baby girl. xoxoxox

NEED YOU

i hate what's been done to my life
i hate
i hate
i hate
i hate
i hate
i just want you back
i just want to be with you
i just want to die so we can be together
i don't want this life without you
i don't want this life with all this pain
i don't want to go from all the love in the world to all the pain in the world
i would not wish this pain on my worst enemy
this is hell on earth, this is the worst pain ever imaginable
i don't know how people do this, i really don't
how can people survive? how do they make it?
i want to quit
i want to give up
i don't care
life without you is empty
life without you is meaningless
life without you is so empty
EMPTY
that is how i feel
nothing feels right
i feel like i don't belong anymore
i don't want to be here
i really don't
i just wanna die
i just want this all to end
i just want to close my eyes and never wake up
i just want to escape
i don't want this pain anymore
i don't want this emptiness anymore
i don't want this hate anymore
i don't want this
i never wanted this
i never asked for this
life isn't fair
and i'm not afraid to bitch about it
life sucks
i don't have to like it
i hate it
i hate whats been done to my life
i'm so tired
i'm so tired of this pain
i'm so tired of this hurt
i'm so tired of this sadness
i'm so tired of this anger
i'm so tired of this loss
i'm so tired of missing you so bad i can't breathe
i'm so tired of missing you so bad i can't see straight
i'm so tired of missing you so bad i can't think
i'm so tired of missing you so bad i can't move
i'm so tired of missing you so bad period
make it stop
this pain
it's killing me
life is killing me
losing you is killing me
being without you is killing me
i can't do it
i need you
i NEED you
i'll die without you
please die
i want to die without you
so i can be with you

Resurface

I run; therefore I think.

Work coerced me back to work before I was ready.
Just throw her back into battle that will help her. Now I’m upset I let them dictate what was right for me. Them who have no clue what loss entails. Just do it the ol’ military way, throw her back to battle, that will keep her mind off of it. That’s what’s best for her. Now I see that is the wrong approach. I look at the military and the war. Maybe they don’t do this now, but imagine being in battle and your guys are killed around you. Keep him in there, he’s got to work through it. He’s got to face the demons and no better way than to get him back into action. Hah, now look at our soldiers. PSTD. Ya’ think that has something to do with it. Don’t deal with their issues now, don’t feel emotions now, shove it in, fight, battle. Did they think it would go under and never resurface? People are stupid. They did the same thing to me. So here I sit all of you resurfaces because I couldn’t deal with you over the summer. Thanks work. Thanks for trying to be a sound mind and making decisions for me. Thanks for prolonging this agony fuckers.

Homesick

This song is by Mercyme, it's called Homesick. The ironic thing is they wrote this after 6,7,8 of their friends died in less than a year.
9 people close to me died this year - architect man, lawnmowerlonnie-, grandma ----, katie-, rick, you honey, uncle jack, john s.- and c-----. i guess if you want to count your friend r----....i didn't know him, but if he was your friend, he was mine too. at least i met him once. that was kinda cool and weird how we saw him. so 10 people, might as well round it up. what a f**in sh*tty year. i hope so bad that next year looks up. honey, i am trying so hard, but this is very, very hard. i miss you more than you could ever imagine. i heard someone say today on tv (she lost her husband), "i feel like a turtle without a shell"
xmas without u has come and gone. empty would be a good way to describe it. don't get me wrong, i had fun, laughed, ate too much and all that good stuff, but where were u. it wasn't the same. tomorrow i pick up --- and ---- and we'll meet grandma ---- in -----. i know that if there's anyplace in the world that u will be tomorrow, i know it will be with us. i just know it. how could u not be with the 4 ladies you love the most in your life. all we're missing is -----.
i'm gonna go, i'm sorry, i try to write you, but it hurts so much. i don't know if this is okay or not, but i still can't hardly look at you, think about you or talk about you. it hurts tremendously. this is a pain worse than anything i've ever felt in my life. i can't wait to die so i can be in heaven with everyone. i miss u honey....i really do. i miss you a lot. love you forever and ever, your baby girl. xoxoxoxo


You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Heart Of Grief

The Heart Of Grief

Death ends a life, not a relationship.

Not knowing how to continue loving you brings me great anguish and pain. Naturally I want you, the one person who I loved more than anything in the whole world, to be with me still. The worst agony of intense grief comes when I realize that your return, what I want more than anything, is the one thing I can not have. I feel like I'm in the darkest place that I've ever been in my life and the only light I can imagine is one I'll never see. I hurt so terribly because I want what can not be, yet I still continue to want it.
Confusion....I don't know what is right or what is normal....what should I do? Sometimes our holding on to the past or those who have died is obsessive, preoccupying, or excessive. Where do you draw the line? When do you grieve and 'get it all out' and when do you put it behind you and move forward. We're (us grievers) told to acknowledge the pain and not sweep it aside or it rears its ugly head in other ways, yet we're told not to obsess over it. So what is the fine line? How much is too much? How much is too less? I'm confused and I don't know if it's normal for me to keep crying off and on all day. I don't know if it's normal to have all these intrusive memories and thoughts of you all throughout the day. I don't know if it's normal to want to die so I can be with you sooner. I know you can't come back to me, but I can come to you. What is normal? I feel like I am far from it!
Painful reminders and the hurt that overwhelms me adds distance not only from what triggers pain but also from what rouses cherished memories and feelings of connection. My tears cloud my memories.
The world changed irretrievably when you died.

"Thought after thought, feeling after feeling, action after action, had ----- for their object. Now their target is gone. I keep on, through habit, fitting an arrow to the string; then I remember and have to lay the bow down." C.S. Lewis

"Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape. As I've already noted, not every bend does. Sometimes the surprise is the opposite one; you are presented with exactly the same sort of country you thought you had left behind miles ago. That is when you wonder whether the valley isn't a circular trench. But it isn't. There are partial recurrences, but the sequence doesn't repeat." C.S. Lewis

There are shattering effects of losing you: the anguish of longing for an impossible return. My broken heart, my homesick soul, my grounded spirit. New encounters with this world transformed by loss. Daunting challenges. Wrestling with the great mysteries of life, death, and suffering. Learning to carry pain. Finding the courage to go on living without you by my side. Struggling to feel at home again in my physical surroundings, with fellow survivors, and in the greater scheme of things. Reshaping my daily life. Redirecting my life story. Changing myself. Reviving my soul and spirit.

PERHAPS LOVE - John Denver
(Placido Domingo)
Perhaps love is like a resting place
A shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort
It is there to keep you warm
And in those times of trouble
When you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home

(John Denver)
Perhaps love is like a window
Perhaps an open door
It invites you to come closer
It wants to show you more
And even if you lose yourself
And don't know what to do
The memory of love will see you through

(Placido Domingo)
Oh, Love to some is like a cloud
To some as strong as steel

(John Denver)
For some a way of living
For some a way to feel

(Placido Domingo)
And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
And some say they don't know

(John starts joined by Placido)
Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of pain
Like a fire when it's cold outside
Thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you

(Placido Domingo)
And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go

(John Denver)
And some say love is everything
Some say they don't know

(John starts joined by Placido)
Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of pain
Like a fire when it's cold outside
Or thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you

I talked to your mom today. I told her I was getting your/our wedding ring cleaned (Fred Meyers in -------). She was happy to hear I still wear it. She considers us married. I'm happy to hear that. Someone who understands my commitment to you still and doesn't question it. I love your mom, I really do.
My feelings, desires, motivations, habits, dispositions, expectations, and hopes aim in the same direction as before. It's as if my love for you is suspended in midair with no place to land. Your absence frustrates me constantly. I lived as if you would always be here, adjusting to life without you does not seem normal. Does not seem right. You're supposed to be here. We planned for a future. I am slow to realize that my daily life can never be as it was. I will no longer see and be seen, hear and be heard, touch or be touched, or hold or be held by you. Nor will share our house or a view, converse, laugh or cry, walk or dance, hope or plan. I will not grow you as you grow older. We were suppose to grow old together and be one of those 80 year old couples still holding hands! You will not know me as I grow older. I will no longer be a part of your dreams, joys, sorrows, your successes or failures. Nor will you be a part of mine. My 'biography' has veered from its expected course. I am powerless to connect to you, the one I love, in my usual ways. I am repeatedly caught up short by my reality transformed by loss.
When I lost you, your absence spread like dense clouds over my life. There is a bitterness in this deprivation that seems to shadow all that I do. My everyday life is clouded with sadness, loneliness, longing, frustration, anger, disorientation, confusion, anxiety, fear, hopelessness and helplessness. I am daunted by the challenge to reshape my daily life. I'm struggling now to write the next chapter in my life and find my way again in this new world.
When you died, I lost your physical presence and all it meant to me. I lost the fulfillment of my desires, expectations, and hopes that were centered on you, centered on us. I still carry it within me. I've lost my abilities to interact daily and to continue into the future as your/our habits, dispositions, and motivations still incline me. I begin the rest of my life without you, ready to go on as if you were still here. But I can not, try as I might. I feel stagnant. I feel like I don't know what's next. I don't know where to turn. I don't know what move to make next. I can't make a decision. My life is at a standstill. In losing you, I've lost the possibility of going on as I would have had you lived.
I wish others would not dismiss or underestimate the significance of another's presence. Presence is one of the most precious things we can give to one another. We sometimes learn most poignantly just how precious presence is when we lose someone. I simply cannot have things as they were before your death intervened. Momentous change has altered permanently the world we experienced. Our familiar life patterns are irretrievable. My heart aches with a kind of homesickness.
I do believe reunion will come in another life, yet this is certain: in this life I know separation is tangible and will last as long as I survive. Hence, my longing for my own death. The sooner I leave this life, the sooner I can be reunited with you. After losing you, I was acutely aware that I was in a strange place that's far from bringing me value, meaning and hope in my life. A strange place distant consolation and comfort.
Sometimes this pain of separation is excrutiating, almost dehabilitating. One of the worst aspects of this experience of pain is the fear of what we do not know. Hurt permeates every waking moment moment and casts the world around us in darkness. Virtually all my physical and social surroundings and daily routines arouse pain and anguish. These emotions hold center stage, no matter where I turn. I often feel desperate and tortured by the least little thing. Sometimes my pain and anguish are so preoccupying that it seems I am nothing but the hurt that I feel. No wonder I fear there will be no end to it. No wonder hopelessness permeates my soul.
There are always painful meetings with people, places, situations and things. I visit places half forgotten until I'm there and the memories come flooding back. I find myself in spots where I had expected or hoped to go with you. I am sometimes surprised by objects or memories that surface unexpectedly that remind me of you. I hear music we once shared, I see a picture, I hear a familiar story or visit a familiar place that takes me back in time. I meet or hear from those who knew you. I recognize something of you in another. I see something we had in others around me. Some of these memories arouse powerfully intense pain and agony.
Hurt is my companion. It accompanies any joy and happiness that I find. I laugh and I think you should be sharing this with me. I find pleasure in something little and I think you should be here. It saddens me that you can't share these newly treasured moments. If I have no one to share what do these moments really mean. Not a thing unless I can share them. This hurt and sadness will always occupy a space in my heart.
Reminders of you repeatedly penetrate any pretense that nothing has happened. This swallowed hurt corrodes me from within. The fear and helplessness are at the core of my suffering. I fear that this pain and anguish will be unending, my agony relentless. I feel like losing you has drained my life of all its vitality. Sometimes I anticipate an empty future. It's as if I lie immobile and exposed waiting for more dreadful things to happen. Every time the phone rings I think it's another call that I've lost someone else.
Memories flash through my head. Stupid memories. Jumping into your pickup together in Malaha. Sitting in your living room eating ice cream. Brushing your teeth. Nothing meaningful. But all meaningful.
I have seen the light and the dark in one flash.
I have had the blinders ripped from my eyes, I suddenly see the lies of my life and the truths of existence for what they are.
I feel crazy because your death has absolutely, vividly re-prioritized my life.
I feel so small in the shadow of such profound truth.
I'm trying to fit the very sane epiphany of grief into a world that would rather have me feel insane, so as to maintain a safe status quo.
After your death I've been suspended in limbo; I'm not the person I used to be, nor the person I was yet to become.....for mourning is the constant reawakening that things are now different.

LONGING FOR YOUR RETURN
In a bad way. So, so bad. I feel, act, think, expect and hope as if you are still with me. I hurt as I meet your absence over and over and over and over again. In public places, in intimate corners of my life. I long for the past or for your return so that these feelings, actions, thoughts, expectations and hopes might again find their target. Instead my arrows fly aimlessly hitting nothing. So many times I wish you were alive just at this moment so I could share it with you. It could be anything, a walk, a laugh, a nap, a movie, a story, an experience, a drive. I always wish you were here so I could share all my days and the rest of my life with you. This wishing is spontaneous, sometimes even unwelcome. It's sad to wish you were with me all the time when I know you can't be. It hurts me so bad. I want to cry at those moments because it's hopeless. I feel so deprived especially when I am around other couples who get to share it all.
Nostalgia is bitter because, even as I wish, I'm painfully aware that my wishes cannot come true. I can't go back to you by retreating to the past. Nor can I return you to life in the present. Sometimes there's no denying the reality of our separation. I just have no expectations, I long for nothing real now. I only want you and I can't. Unlike ordinary desires, the desire for your return cannot move me to do anything. There are simply no ways to satisfy that desire. Sometimes my longing is so intense and persisting that it immobilizes me. I feel paralyzed; unable to do anything. Hopeless and helpless and full of PAIN. I worry sometimes about my fervent desire. The recognition of your death just recedes into the background of my life. In a way I'm still in a denial. I hold on to my disposition to feel, act, think, expect, and hope that you are still alive. Sometimes I think your return is possible. Maybe you will pull up in the driveway, maybe you will appear out of the air into my living room, maybe I'll wake up and you'll be lying next to me, maybe I will see you at church, maybe I'll pass you on the highway, maybe that phone call is from you, maybe when I check my email there you'll be, maybe that message on my answering machine is from you, maybe I will see you flying on my next fire, maybe I will see you somewhere in ----- when I'm up there. I still buy cards for you on the holidays and monthly anniversary of your death, and cards just because I love you. All these are attempts to hold on to what I do not and cannot have. I can't bear to cut ties with you and stop doing these things. I want to hold on to you as long as I can. I don't want to let go. I can't, it hurts too much. I need you in my life. It seems no path can lead me to the life we once held, yet that's where I want to be sooo bad. It's like I choose the path of pretending you still live, though I can't find you over the less preferred path of anguish. Anguish of accepting that you can't be found. In the futile longing of your return, I tolerate the helplessness it entails. Yeah, it sucks but I prefer it to the intolerable permanence of your absence. This intense longing and desire fills my heart with pain and anguish.

Though lovers be lost love shall not. - Dylan Thomas

Eyes Get Blurry

Gawd this made me cry....all the mommy and daddy ones made me think of you. I miss you so much honey, I wish you were still around so we could still share our love. These all made me think of what we had and it was special. Damn, we were so in love. Miss that. :( I still love you with all my heart, I just can't show it to you anymore, I hope you can feel it. Your baby girl, xoxoxoxoxox

Touching words from the mouth of babes.

What does Love mean?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

---

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

Rebecca- age 8

---

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

Billy - age 4

---

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

Karl - age 5

---

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

Chrissy - age 6

---

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

Terri - age 4

---

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

Danny - age 7

---

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"

Emily - age 8

---

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

---

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6

(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

---

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

Noelle - age 7

---

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

Tommy - age 6

---

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

Cindy - age 8

---

"My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

Clare - age 6

---

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."

Elaine-age 5

---

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

Chris - age 7

---

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

Mary Ann - age 4

---

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

Lauren - age 4

---

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)

Karen - age 7

---

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."

Mark - age 6

---

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Jessica - age 8

---

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

"Nothing, I just helped him cry"

---

When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need.

Love you! Glad I got to be part of your dash. :) oxoxoxo Your Baby Girl

The Dash

A poem by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came her date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

9 Months

It's been 9 months, well it's 1:30 in the morning, so I guess I waited too long to write this. 9 months and one day. It's a blur I don't know what the hell is going on. Nothing is ever how you want it. I want to be left alone all to myself here, so I can read all my catholic books, the bible, my death & dying books. I want to organize my music and download more and more and more. I want to think deeply, I want to dwell, I want to make this all go away. I feel so numb. I feel so weird. I really don't know what to write. I feel more different now this past couple weeks than I have this whole time. I feel unmotivated, depressed but not sad. Maybe it is numb. Maybe I do have no feeling. Cuz I just don't care about anything. I haven't exercised for a few days. I just eat when it comes to mind. I haven't cleaned my house. It's a pit. It was a struggle just to pay bills. I don't call anyone. I just really would like to withdraw and withdraw and withdraw until I figure this out. I don't know what I'm figuring out and even stupider, I know there is no answer, so to think I can "figure" this out is ludacris. It seems I sit to dwell on something and I'm interrupted by people. I wish people would leave me alone so I could do all I need. That's why I stay up so late, I'm trying to squeeze more time out of the day. More time to do stuff. Funny, I jump from one project to another. I think something is a good idea, I start it then I either get bored with it or interrupted and then I never go back. I have "projects" all over my house. I'm the biggest one. I need help. I need more time. I need more space. I need you. I still can't look at your picture. I hate too. I try so hard to cling to our memories, but I also try so hard to shove them in. They hurt so bad. I think what has happened is that this pain is so much I can't handle it. Not so much me, but my mind. You were perfect, you were what every woman wants. You were an angel. You treated me like a queen. You were soft spoken. You were caring. You were gentle. You were funny. You were giving. You were considerate. You were affectionate. You were modest. You were soft. You were cuddly. You were real. You were you. You were a real man. You didn't put on a front to be a big shot. You weren't cocky. You weren't full of yourself. You didn't try to be someone you weren't. You never acted out of character, trying to please people. What you saw was what you got. You didn't have to try to be a King. You just were. You were just you and you were a God. You were a prince. You were a king. You were an angel. I can't believe you're gone. I still look for you every Sunday at church. I still look in every blue ----- and every maroon ---- pickup that looks like yours. I saw one today. My heart jumped into my throat. It wasn't you. I still look out the window at night waiting for you to pull up or just walk out of the darkness. I want you. I want you to call. I want you to visit me. I want you to hug me. I want you to sleep next to me. I want you to spend the rest of my life with. I want you to wrap your arms around me. I want you to laugh with. I want you to share everything with me. I don't know what has happened to me. I'm broken. I'm lost. I don't know what's left of me. I think you went to Heaven and you took me with you because I'm gone. I'm a shell. You have me, I swear to God, you have all of me. Every last bit of my heart and soul. You have all my love. You have my thoughts. You have everything that makes up me. I'm fine with that. You can have me. All of me. All I want is to finish my time here on earth as quickly as possible, so I can be with you. With my heart. With my soul. With my being. I really feel like you took me with you and all that's left is this shell and I'm left here to recreate a whole new person. Basically, I am starting from scratch and it's up to me to create this new person. I can steer myself down the sad, depressed, withdrawn path or I can indulge in books and thoughts and interaction and make a new person. A person that I've always wanted to be. A person you would want me to be. A person that God wants me to be. So this shell sits here, and although I am empty and have no where to turn. Although my heart and soul are gone and my brain is numb, someone somewhere is steering me in the right direction because I have no clue what I'm doing. I have no direction in my day to day life. I'm so numb and in such a fog, I don't know what way is up. I am living somehow. It's day to day. It is certain that it's not me. It can't be. I'm lost. I don't know what to do. How come I wasn't this empty before you? How could I be single before you and content. I'm right back in the same boat. I guess this time I have no oars. I float aimlessly as the winds and tides of life keep me going. I don't know where because my oars are gone. You were my oars. I only know I am going somewhere. It could be down a huge waterfall to my destruction or it could be out to the big, vast ocean. Lost forever in this big world. Or maybe I will just stay where I am eventually getting some semblance of some oars so I can gain some control over this. I guess that's what I'm doing just drifting aimlessly waiting for something to happen. Mainly just waiting for you to come back or for me to come to you. The only thing I ask is that my journey to you happens quickly. I don't want to live the rest of my life without you. With this pain. I would like it to fast forward in time either to my demise or to my old age in which I only have a year or so to live. All this fill in the middle I could do without. I wanted the fill in the middle to be sweet with you by my side. Now it's just some lonely road. Quiet and slow moving. Lonely. And not lonely for other people. Only you. I am only lonely for you. I don't want anyone else in my life. At all. All I want is you. You are the void in my life and only you can fill it. Just like a puzzle piece, you are the only one that will fit. Nothing else will fit in the space you once occupied. I don't know how I'm supposed to make it through life without you by my side. I can make it, but how is it supposed to be fulfilling or happy. I can be content with what God has left me and know that this is his plan, but being genuinely happy without you seems impossible. I don't even think there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't see one anyway. I guess I want you to know that you are the best thing that ever happened to me my whole life. You really are honey. I think back to when you asked me to marry you and I have never been so happy EVER. You know, up until that point it was the only time in my life I ever cried because I was so happy. I was so happy for what we were, what we had and what was to come. You were my dream man. I can't stand that I've lost you. I've lost you and the happiness you brought to me and brought out in me. I am lost. I am. And today I was thinking, that's okay, it's kind of different going through life lost. Not a care in the world and blind. Whatever happens I am just a token. Do what you must to me Lord. Nothing can be worse than this. I think about that. Even if mom, dad, ---, ---, ---, --- and grandma all were killed at once I swear to you I am so numb right now. It just would be more people dead. I honestly think about what if that happens and I would just be the same as I am now. It wouldn't surprise me and it would hurt but no more than what I am now. It's kind of like being cold. If it's -10 outside you are miserable and cold. -30 makes no difference, it's colder, but you can't even tell cuz negative temps are miserable and cold, regardless if it's -20 or -50. It's the same with death, once one person puts you past the brink, others won't do anything to you. I expect death to happen now. 8 people in 10 months. Who's to say it won't happen. I wait for it now. I'm ready for it. If anything now would be a good time because I am so numb. So I guess what I was saying was that I'm a token and the Lord can do what he'd like to me now. My pain is maxed out, nothing could be worse than losing you. Really. Nothing. Not rape. Not losing my job. Not losing all my friends. Not losing my family. Not losing my own life. No loss can be greater than the loss of you. So while I am empty, I am not worthless. I try for you honey. I don't know what I'm trying to be, but I know what I'm trying not to be. I'm trying not to drink alcohol, I'm trying not to get fat, I'm trying to exercise regularly, I'm trying to smile everyday, I'm trying not to sulk, I'm trying not to regress, I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself, I'm trying to keep my head above water. I don't know how to do it or how I'm doing it (Footsteps _ the Lord is carrying me). For you, I try. It really doesn't get me much, but my head above water. That is real. Otherwise I would drown. Right now I'm not drowning, I'm treading. I get tired and I break down, but I don't ever drown. I don't know....I'm sorry honey. I talk too much to you (and only you). I hope I don't let you down. I still want you to love me and look at me with admiring eyes. I'm trying honey. I am really. It's just so hard without you. The time in my life when I need you the most and you are gone. And you are the cause of it. Who would have ever guessed. How ironic is that? The time I need you most is caused by you. Too much thinking. I think I could ramble on forever and forever. So anyway, it's been 9 months and I miss you so much. I bury it and I don't think about it. I worry myself because I think I am burying you too much. Worries me for two reasons. It will surface eventually, only when it does it will be larger. And I don't want to bury you in my mind. I don't want to sever ties with you. I already lost you physically, I don't want to lose the strings that tie me to you still. Namely the memories. It's such a damn double edged sword. Dammit. If I think of the memories I want to die. The pain is so intense I want to kill. Or I bury them and it resurfaces later and I bury you, the best thing in my life, in the process. I don't want to lose you ever. The physical you, I had no choice, but I can still cling to everything else. I don't ever want to lose the memory of your touch, your smell, your voice, your laugh, your words ("you're a dandy"). I don't want to lose you anymore. So I battle this double edged sword every day and I think I'm losing. I still can't look at your pictures. I am numb as can be as I look at them, they mean nothing. If I let myself feel, I want to stab my heart and guts out because they hurt so bad. There is no pain like this in the whole world. One thing is certain. If God had a choice to take you or me, I am so thankful he left me to suffer and take the pain. I would never, ever as long as I live, would have ever wanted you to experience this pain. I'd let this crush and kill me before I'd ever let a drop get to you. Thank the Lord for that, you don't have to experience hell on earth. Wow, honey, it's been an hour that I've been typing. I better go to bed now. I love you with what's left of me......all of the broken me loves you. What's left is all for you. Every last bit. You are my soul mate and someday our souls will be reunited again. I love you K-dub, so, so, so, so much. xoxoxoxxo Your Baby Girl.

Sleepless

i do okay, but i'm sleepless. i really don't know if i'm doing okay. my attitude is okay, but my minds not. i still think of u non-stop...only when i submerge myself into dl'ing music and organizing my hard drive(s) to i get a temporary respite. i miss u so much, it's winter, i'm laid off, there are holidays and i miss u. i can't wait til they are just over. i gotta try to make plans to see your mom and the girls. it's not that i don't wanna see em, i just dont wanna do all the legwork and driving to see em. i'm getting pretty content just hangin out here at home. i know it sounds bad. it's nothing against them, i love them all very much, but i just don't wanna be around people. sometimes i think i'm getting better at actually being around people, but then days upon days go on and then all of the sudden i'm completely opposite, i don't want anything to do with people.

ya know it's ridiculous... i have all these guys sweatin me now....wtf. serious, i mean it's only been 9 months, to the date (this isn't your 9 month letter) and i got ----- wantin to cook me dinner and tellin me how cool i am, i got ---- (your friend...hah, some friend) telling me how easy it is to talk to me, calling me gorgeous and trying to get me to visit him, i got ---- wanting me to come over to ----- so he can take me to a bball game. doesn't matter if i tell them i still love you and there's no way, no how, impossible, not interested, they still call. ugh....i want you honey!!!! it even seems like there was another? well i got -----, we IM every night...well pretty much every night, but he's cool cuz we are both crystal clear, friends only and it seems to be going best with him. i can talk about u whenever i want with him and he can talk to me whenever he wants about his x, who he still loves. so that's probably why we get along so well. isn't it funny that all my friends are guys? i could never talk to a girl about you and how i feel. wonder why? kinda funny.

well, crap, i don't really know why i'm writing you. boredom. not tired. thinking of you. don't know what to do. just know i don't want to sleep. i could stare out the window for hrs, only at night for some reason, and just think of you. sometimes i just listen to music and reminisce, sometimes i talk to you, sometimes i just cry. this is awful, i really hate this. i want you soooo bad, i can't put words to how much i need u in my life and how empty i feel right now.

i think pretty deep at times and think it would be great if i could put it on paper. but i don't want to disturb 'my groove' so i go with the moment, i don't move and when the moment has passed i think about writing it down, but then i'm not feeling it anymore, or i just know i could never put it all to words exactly how i was thinking. it would lose its effect, so i just don't write it down. i don't know why i told u that..i guess i want u to know i think of you way more often than i actually write. i'd have a frickin library if i wrote every thought about you. :)

well, i don't know what to say to you anymore, i guess i'll go to bed, i gotta get up early (6am - not used to that anymore) for church.

i miss you honey bunny..words can't describe...it's forever. your baby girl xoxoxo

Thinking Of You

Honey, I just wanted to send you this and tell you at this moment I am thinking of you. I miss you. Soooo much honey. I wish you could still be here. We'd be so happy. I try not to get sad, all I've ever wanted was to be happy. Thanks for steering me in the right direction (I guess). Maybe I'm just side-tracked right now, but when I can get over this/or past it, I will remember how happy, laid back and caring you were towards EVERYONE and I will strive to be you. I love you!!!! xoxoxox FOREVER!!! Your baby girl.

Wonder

I wonder if it's good that I still can't even really look at your picture. Dammit I'm so good at burying crap. Like burying you and never acknowledging that it happened. It's so easy to turn the page (even though I don't want to) and put it all behind me. I am a master and shoving things down and never thinking of them again. Looking at your picture is so painful, it makes me think of you and all our good times. I swear I just can't do it. It seems like it gets worse with time. I don't know, I just wonder if that's good. Or normal even. I mean, crap, I can't even look at you. I can't look you in the eye....in a picture! What the hell is wrong with that? I'm afraid it might be one of my avoidance techniques and I'm avoiding the pain by not looking at your pic. I don't think about you sometimes for a while too. Like I do for days on end and it hurts and sucks so bad, so then I just don't think of you too deeply for days. I don't let myself. I tell myself to shut up, shake my head and think of something else. Ughh, hate it. It hurts. I don't know, I thought of you last night a lot. I looked out the window and talked to you. I probably thought about you for a good hour, talked to you, cried. I don't know. I guess it goes in spurts. So honey, the reason I don't write you everyday like I should is cuz it hurts me too much and I'm trying to suppress it....even if for a day. Just so I can feel good, just for a day. I need it, I'm tired of hurting. I'll write you more later. It's the 13th. 4 more days and it will be 9 f*ck*n months! Ughh, hate it!
I love you, I'm sorry I'm a bitter ol' hag. My love hasn't died. I love you always!! oxoxoxoxox Your Baby Girl 4 Ever.

Fellow Police Officer

Didn't you want a firefighter to hold your hand before your journey? (Like me) :)
I wish I could've been there....no matter how bad the accident scene or you looked. I love you honey. Someday I'll be right behind you on my own journey. xoxoxoxo

Subject: fellow police officer

From an unknown Police Officer........ In 1974 when I first joined the police department,

knew there would be special occasions my family would spend without me. Knowing that fact didn't make the task any
easier. The celebrations I missed those first year's depressed me and sometimes made me feel bitter. Working on Christmas Eve was always the worst. On Christmas Eve in 1977, I learned that a blessing can come disguised as misfortune, and honor is more than just a word. I was riding one-man patrol on the 4 to 12 shift. The night was cold. Everywhere I looked I saw reminders of the holiday: Families packing their cars with presents, beautifully decorated trees in living room windows and roofs adorned with tiny sleighs. It all added to my holiday funk. The evening had been relatively quiet; there were calls for barking dogs and a residential false burglar alarm. There was nothing to make the night pass any quicker. I thought of my own family and sunk further into depression. Shortly after 2200 hours I got a radio call to the home of an elderly, terminally ill man. I parked my patrol car in front of a simple Cape Cod style home. First aid kit in hand,
I walked up the short path to the front door. As I approached, a woman who seamed to be about 80 years old opened the door. "He's in here", she said, leading me to a back bedroom. We passed through a living room that was furnished in a style I had come to associate with older people. The sofa had an afghan blanket draped over Its back and a dark, solid Queen Anne chair say next to an unused fireplace. The mantle was cluttered with an eccentric mix of several photos, some ceramic figurines and an antique clock. A floor lamp provided soft lighting. We entered a small bedroom where a frail looking man lay in bed with a blanket pulled up to his chin. He wore a blank stare on his ashen, skeletal face. His breathing was shallow and labored. He was barely alive. The trappings of illness all around his bed. The nightstand was littered with a large number of pill vials. An oxygen bottle stood nearby. Its plastic hose, with facemask attached rested on the blanket. I
asked the old woman why she called the police. She simply shrugged and nodded sadly toward her husband, indicating it was his request. I looked at him and he stared intently into my eyes. He seemed relaxed now. I didn't understand the sudden calm expression on his face. I looked around the room again. A dresser stood along the wall to the left of the bed. On it was the usual memorabilia: ornate perfume bottles, a white porcelain pin case, and a wooden jewelry case. There were also several photos in simple frames. One caught my eye and I walked closer to the dresser for a closer look. The picture showed a young man dressed in a police uniform. It was unmistakably a photo of the man in bed. I knew then why I was there. I looked at the old man and he motioned with his hand toward the side of the bed. I walked over and stood beside him. He slid a thin arm from under the covers and took my hand. Soon, I felt his hand go limp, I looked at his face. There was no
fear there. I saw only peace. He knew he was dying; he was aware his time was very near. I know now that he was afraid of what was about to happen and he wanted the protection of a fellow cop on his journey. A caring God had seen to it that his child would be delivered safely to him. The honor of being his escort fell to me. When I left at the end of my tour that night, the temperature seemed to Have risen considerably, and all the holiday displays I saw on the way home made me smile. I no longer feel sorry for myself for having to work on Christmas Eve. I have chosen an honorable profession. I pray that when it's my turn to leave this world there will be a cop there to hold my hand and remind me that I have nothing to fear. I wish all my brother's and sister's who have to work this Christmas Eve all the Joy and warmth of the Season.

A Gift

I'm reading a book called, "Tracks Of A Fellow Struggler." Here is an excerpt that makes me contemplate this thing we call life.

"When World War II started, my family did not have a washing machine. With gas rationed and the laundry several miles away, keeping our clothes clean became an intensely practical problem. One of my father's younger business associates was drafted and his wife prepared to go with him, and we offered to let them store their furniture in our basement. Quite unexpectedly, they suggested that we use their washing machine while they were gone. 'It would be better for it to b running,' they said, 'than sitting up rusting.' So this is what we did, and it helped us a great deal.

Since I used to help with washing, across the years I developed quite an affectionate relation for that old green Bendix. But eventually the war ended, and our friends returned, and in the meantime I had forgotten how the machine had come to be in our basement in the first place. When they came and took it, I was terribly upset and I said so quite openly.

But my mother, being the wise woman she is, sat me down and put things in perspective. She said, 'Wait a minute, son. You must remember, that machine never belonged to us in the first place. That we ever got to use it at all was a gift. So, instead of being mad at its being taken away, let's use this occasion to be grateful that we ever had it at all.'

Here, in a nutshell, is what it means to understand something as a gift and to handle it with gratitude, a perspective biblical religion puts around all of life. And I am here to testify that this seems to me to be the best way down from the Mountain of Loss. I do not mean to say that such a perspective makes things easy, for it does not. But at least it makes things bearable when I remember that Laura Lue was a gift, pure and simple, something I neither earned or deserved nor had a right to. And when I remember that the appropriate response to a gift, even when it is taken away, is gratitude, then I am better able to try to thank God that I was ever given her in the first place.

Even though it is very, very hard I am doing my best to learn this discipline now. Everywhere I turn there are reminders of her --- things we did together, things she said, things she loved. And in the presence of these reminders, I have two alternatives. I can dwell on the fact that she has been taken away, and dissolve in remorse that all of this is gone forever. Or, focussing on the wonder that she was ever given at all, I can resolve to be grateful that we shared life, even for an all-too-short ten years. There are only two choices here, but I believe me, the best way out for me is the way of gratitude. The way of remorse does not alter the stark reality one whit and only makes matters worse. The way of gratitude does not alleviate the pain, but it somehow puts some light around the darkness and creates strength to begin to move on"

I try my best to think of you as a gift, but so often I get lost in the darkness and I dwell in all the reminders and how much I miss you so. I will try so hard to keep reminding myself that you are a gift and just like he says it won't ease the pain but maybe it will keep me from the dark side of remorse. I love you so much honey! Always and for the rest of my life....your baby girl. xoxoxox

You Did It

I wrote you 3 days ago and in it I talked about lifes struggles, getting ahead and in the end it doesn’t even matter what you had. So why struggle your whole life to gain, gain, gain. I’d like to add to that. Not only achieving to gain wealth, prosperity but what about your reputation. Why care about what people think about you. Case in point; just today I talked to your "friend", -----, somehow we get on the subject of your past and people not being able to realize people change. One guy had commented to --- that you were just a piece of shit. I’m sorry honey, I’m sorry that people are so naive that they can’t see that people are young and that people make mistakes and all people change.
Ya know some people are all too willing to tell me how crappy your past was and that you weren’t perfect and you fucked up and you did this bad thing and that bad thing. Well, honey, these so called bad things I heard weren’t bad to me at all. They were things that all of us have done in one form or another in our younger days, in our stupid days. I’ve done extremely stupid things in my past as you well know, but my past does not define me. As with you. You know I’m so non-judgemental. I try to take people for what they are. Accept them for their good and bad. To see the good in all people. Anyway, honey I fell in love with you, your goods and your faults. Although in my mind you had no faults. Sure you did some things in your past, but that’s just what it was, your past. Why do people bring it up (----). Who cares, I really don’t care what you did in your past. The ---- I loved for the past 3 years was the ---- I loved. Not --- from 10 years ago, 15 years ago, 20 years ago. Everyone who knew you during that time said you had changed so much. The transformation was amazing. Well, I never got to see this transformation. I saw the transformed. And the transformed was the most amazing man I’ve ever met. You were absolutely amazing. Honey, if you weren’t proud of yourself for the changes you made, you should be. I don’t know where you came from or how far you came. I can get an idea from all you’ve told me, from just seeing who you were married to, from comments (good and bad) from people. I can start to see that yes, you did come a long way. I am proud of you. I am sooo proud of you. I’ve said this before. You did it. Whatever it takes to fulfill your purpose on this earth (in God’s eyes). You did it! I wish I knew what all you did. I can reflect on you. Study you and I know how you were and what you did, but you were so perfect. Isn’t it amazing, I was with the perfect man. God perfected you and when he was done, he took you. You had an uncanny ability to attract people. You were so open to all people, you were so nice to all people. You attracted people. People liked you. Everyone who met you liked you. You NEVER talked bad about people. Even people who did a lot of bad things. You rolled with the punches, you never complained. You just shut your mouth and worked so hard. You really tried to make everyone in your life happy. You wanted those around you to be happy. You were such a great provider for me, --- and ---. You wanted the best for us all and you tried your hardest. I’ve gotten off on many tangents, but the point I wanted to make was, you can change so much and be the best person in the world and there are people out there that will never change their opinion of you. They have labeled you. In your case, you’ve always just been a piece of shit, according to this particular guy. What hurts me is that this person has made an awful mistake. If they only knew the ---- I knew, not the ----- of years ago. I’m sorry honey that some people still think that. I know it doesn’t effect you now and you probably don’t care. It just goes to show that you can work and work so hard to become this successful person. You can strive to be the best. The best father, the best husband, the best person, the best pilot, the best provider and you can still be nothing to people. So it proves to me something I’ve held true for a long time. You will never please everybody, so why strive to make others happy. Why strive to be this or that. Why do things to prove others wrong (or right). I learned that years back and people can call me selfish, but when I make decisions now I think of only me. What do I want? What will make me happy? I don’t make decisions anymore based on other people. This just affirms that. You worked so hard. So, so hard and you did it. You became someone so perfect, you would have amazed all those people who knew you. Those who were blind to what you have become….screw them. It’s their loss for never getting the opportunity to know such a beautiful soul. Honey, I thank you for showing me the way to perfection. Thank you for showing me how to live a rightful life. Believe me I watched and I took notes. I hope to be not far behind you. I admire you, your strength and your beauty. I can’t believe how lucky I was to have been touched by you. Thanks for sharing part of your life with me. I love you honey. You are beautiful. Love you always and forever, your baby girl. xoxoxooxox

Just Sittin Here Passing Time

Just sittin here at ---- café passing the time. I really don’t know why I download all this music, I can’t possibly listen to it all. I think I know the real reason why I do this. It keeps my mind occupied on something I’m interested in….music. So I can sit at this computer all day and my mind goes blank and/or numb. It takes my mind off of you or maybe just reality. So I sit here all day…I mean really, all day. That’s a long ass time. Think of all the other things I could be doing instead. Productive things. I suppose I’d rather just let my mind be occupied by some mindless task which is exactly what this is. I have 5 more minutes before my last download finishes and then I will start your computer back up again. Yeah, it’s your computer I’m using. First time I’ve used it in a long time, I figure it’s less cluttered than my computer right now. I think my hard drive is almost full so it’s time to save it all to disk and start over….nawmeen. I’ve sent myself some emails from you. I really wish they were from you. What is life? Yeah, I’m random. I feel like a zombie and like I’m in another world. OK, the download is over, I’ll save this to your desktop and restart your computer. I love you more than life. I'm back. Restarted your computer and my download speeds are way faster. I'm such a loser geek huh? This probably kills you, a man of action, to see me sitting on my ass all day doing basically absolutely nothing. Where will this help me in life? This is a waste of time I know. At least I could be reading some catholic book. My prayer book, the catechism book, the Bible....something. Please forgive me, someday I'll make a move and put this all behind me. I have a feeling it's an avoidance tactic. A way for me to avoid the pain. For now let me be I guess....don't know what else to do. I wish I knew more to write, I'll just ramble cuz I'm trying to waste time. I could write so much to you, but usually I have to be in a "mood" to write. Right now I'm not. I'm in no mood for anything. Sad, only to me. Still here, it's like 4:30 in the afternoon, getting dusk and I've been here since 9:30 thasmornin. Messed up thing is I'll be here 'til whenever than I'll probably go home and just get on the computer again. I'm kinda hungry, but screw it, I'm going for a fasting day. This will be for All Souls Day, it will be my fast for you. To show my devotion to you and the Lord. Tomorrow I go back to work, yipee skipee. I guess I'm not really feelin' it. Gotta meet with ----- and she was a different duck. How do you present not so zesty feedback to someone. I hate that kinda stuff. It's either go to work, which has been ok or stay at home and do ???? I got some things lined up. I just bought a VCR/DVD recorder combo. The plan is to turn all my VHS into DVD's, that will clear up more room and make them ezier to store and watch. That's one project. The other is of course just keep organizing my music. I could do that for a long ass time, that will always keep me busy. I guess that's the plan....I suppose that's why I do it, it's neverending and I will always have it to fall back on. The other project is me. I am going to work out damn good. I think I have a good start. I'm surprising myself on how dedicated I've been. I'm trying to eat good, run and lift. For the most part I'm doing all of it. Been pretty consistent which surprises me considering my state of mind. Besides working on me physically I am going to work on me spiritually. I have a whole load of catholic/religious books to read. I have a feeling come spring time I will be a whole new person. I'll probably be some religious freak that your mom warned you about. :) I really do feel like I am at the beginning of a transformation. Don't know what kind, but I'm taking my life more seriously. By that I mean I'm more aware of my actions and how they can effect other people, I'm more aware of how I treat people....still need to work on that, but I am trying to love everybody and be accepting of everybody, even big, fat ---. See I need to work on that. I'm more focused on becoming a better person for God. I am working on my acceptance into Heaven. I feel like I don't want to chance anything, I have to do the best I can so I can get into Heaven and have a place next to you. I will do everything in my power (and with the Lords help) to become a better person. At times I honestly wish I could give it all up, my job, my house, my money (that would be scary) just so I can fully commit myself to the Lord. I would love to join the equivalency of a monastary, whatever that is. Would that be a nun? I don't know but I could live without material things and focusing on a job so you can make money to live, to buy things. I just wanna wake up and be with the Lord all day. Pray, seclusion, study, reading, etc. See maybe I'm going overboard, I told you I might become one of those religious people. I wanna use the word freak for lack of a better word, but that seems so wrong...they're not freaks. Well, I'm getting kind of bored and thinking about going home now. Might as well don't got shit else to do. Nawmeen. Maybe I'll write ya later, maybe not. Love you my K-dub.

This is the passage you saw on the back of the other pilots flight helmet. Corey broke it on down for us, but I was reading up on this today and here some more to educate your mind. Don't know why I'm telling you, I'm sure you know everything now that you're up above. :)


Matthew 10:29-31
Glorious Heavenly Father,

Blessed be thy name, Lord. This world is an exquisite work of art created by you, the Master Craftsman. I behold it's glories and know that I am unworthy of such splendor. I stand humble and small beneath your bright blue sky, or in the shadow of just one of your mountains.
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.So don’t be afraid;you are worth more than many sparrows.


In the vastness of this universe I am but one tiny speck, yet I am of great concern to you. I am just a speck, yet you listen when I speak. You answer my prayers. You deliver me from my fears. I am just a speck, yet every hair on my head is numbered.

You sent your son to suffer and die for my sins before I was even born. As he hung upon the cross, my name was on his lips. That is love beyond reckoning; the only unconditional love the world truly knows, for it out lasts death.

Holy Father, you are so grand my human mind cannot fully comprehend your majesty, but standing upon one of your mountains and looking down into one of your valleys I know, that in all of this glory you created, your plan for me is to be a masterpiece reflecting your boundless love. That, Lord, humbles me most of all.

Father, I ask for your continued patience and guidance as I strive to be the person you would have me be. Cleanse my heart and soul. Lift me up when I stumble. Because Jesus died for me, help me to live for him.

These things I ask in Jesus name, and for the sake of his coming kingdom. Amen.

I came across this and thought it was pretty cool.

TJ 16:45-46 45"Behold, there was a little bird that circled at great heights and sang, rejoicing about life, when a strong gust of wind came and made it waver. It then suddenly doubted its power to fly, plummeted down and was killed. 46Therefore, never doubt the power of your spirit and never doubt your knowledge and ability when logic proves to you the law of Creation in truth and correctness."