Random thoughts & ramblings from someone who has lost a loved one. What it's really like to grieve.
Apr 30, 2007
Helicopter & Phone Call
Was this you honey?
Get this.
I was talking to ----- on the phone tonight. He was in Missoula and we were talking about life after death and dying. All of the sudden the phone made this weird noise, kind of a whir and then a beep, I said "whoa, what was that noise?" and ----- says, "it was a helicopter" Well, it sure as hell didn't sound like a helicopter to me and so I questioned him, "a helicopter???, didn't sound like one". And he said, "yeah, there's one flying overhead right now". Hmmm. I asked, "you didn't hear that beep over the phone?" Nope, he didn't.
Maybe it's wishful thinking or I read too much into things, but it was weird the subject we were talking about and a helicopter was flying over ----- when I heard that weird noise over the phone. Some noise I've never heard before.
Well, I sure hope it was you. It made my heart skip a beat. If it was you, I love you for that and you can keep sending me signs and signals for the rest of my life....they are ALWAYS welcome, no matter what!!
I love you honey, you are the best ever and there is no doubt I will never find another like you!! Love you forever and ever, Your Babygirl xoxoxoxoxo
My Son Is All I Have Left
May today there be peace within you. May you trust God that you are exactly where
you are meant to be. "I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our
feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
Apr 29, 2007
Just The Two Of Us
IF
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don¹t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don¹t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can think and not make thoughts your aim;
If your can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop to build ‘em up with worn out tools:
And risk it on one turn of pitch and toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
Or walk with Kings nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And which is more, you’ll be a Man, my son!
Apr 28, 2007
Spring
Spring is full of memories of us. Lately I have been having all sorts of memories of us pop into my head. I mowed the yard yesterday, usually after I mow the yard I get the bbq ready and start marinating the chicken for our dinner. Instead of bbq marinated chicken with you I ate toast all by myself. I keep thinking I should be driving up to CDA on the weekends or you should be pulling in my driveway. Or laying on my couch after I come back from my morning run. Or especially after mowing the yard I would always come in the house and there would be a message from you..."hi honey, just calling to say how much i love you and how beautiful you are" There was always a message. And when I came in the house yesterday, there was none. It's so hard to not expect things to be the same. It's hard to accept this new way of life. It's hard to let go and realize it will just never be like that again. Ugh, I don't really want to think or type about that. I mainly wanted you to know I thought about you pretty much the whole time I mowed the yard yesterday and I missed not eating dinner with you or at minimum a message from you on my answering machine. I love you honey and I'll be with you again someday (soon I hope). Love you, luv u, luv u, luv u, luv u, luv u!!! Forever and ever. I'm yours for all eternity. Til we meet again, your baby girl oxoxoxo
The Girls
I talked to xxx and her mom the other day, two days ago now. xxx called me and I was so happy to hear her voice. She asked what I was doing June 6th, maybe 7th, I can't remember now. She doesn't have school and wanted to hang out. Which is cool. I'm a horrible "mother". I have seen them (xxx & xxx) every month since you have died, except March and now the month of April is passing and that will make it two months in a row. That's not cool, but I will see xxx in a week or so cuz I have to go to CDA to get my ring cleaned and then again in June, so that will be good. So xxx and I talked for about 3 or 4 minutes before I heard xxx say in the background "who are you talking to" in a mean voice. It got quiet and I heard xxx say, "here you talk to her" So I ended up talking to xxx for awhile and by then xxx had disappeared so I didn't get to even tell her I love her. When I asked xxx about the June 6th, 7th date, she said that was fine. It was on a Thursday, so I said something to the effect that we could just hang out that day since she'd have school the next day. xxx says, "oh, that doesn't matter, she can miss." Then she went on to say that xxx hadn't been to school the last three days because someone made fun of her on Monday, so she didn't want to go back, so xxx says, "well she does have the sniffles, so she is sick." Basically, laughing about justifying it that way. I just shake my head and wonder what you can see from up above, it's got to make your stomach turn. Seeing all you see, how can there not be any other emotion in Heaven besides love. How, as a father, would you being able to see the injustice being done to "your little angel" and not hurt??????????? I think what you must think about the whole situation. Crazy. Then I asked about xxx. "She's gone, runaway, kind of" So she eventually elaborates and tells me that she has 27 parole violations and they wanted to put her in a juvenile detention center or home of sorts until she's 18. Apparently xxx or xxx don't want that, so she is harboring xxx somewhere. She said she was going to ----- tonight to see her and they were going to spend the night in a hotel. What the hell???? Seriously, it makes my stomach turn right now and cry. None of this would be happening if you were here. Why does life have to be this way?? I don't even wonder what life would be like if you were still here....I don't have to wonder because I KNOW. I know what life would be like if you were here. I certainly know none of this would be happening. I can't speak for -----, because she has a mind of her own, but at least you and me could have hopefully had some positive influence and she probably would've been living with us. How could ---- possibly think any of what she is doing is okay? What has led her to believe that what she is doing is okay. Was she really raised that way? She's thinking about moving to Washington (--- --), so ---- can enter into a different juvenile system. Funny thing is, I think Washington is stricter than Idaho. That's the answer ----, run from your problems and they'll keep following you. Did it ever cross your mind that if you would just deal with them they might just go away? Ooooooh, (big sigh) honey, how can something as beautiful, good and pure as you have something like this associated with you. Who would've ever thought, that in meeting and falling in love with you, that would all leave and be gone and I'd be stuck with these sorts of remnants? It's not supposed to be like this. I want somehow, someway to help ---- (and ---). What leverage do I have? What resources do I have? How can I? I feel like my hands are tied as I watch this all unfold from the sidelines. I hope so bad that ----- gets caught up and she ends up getting both --- and --- taken away. In fact, --- said they are talking about putting her in jail for 10 days for harboring ----, or aiding and abetting. Something along those lines. If that happened that might be the straw that breaks the camels back and maybe something will be done with ---. Maybe she will be placed in a new home. I never thought of this though, what if the people in the new place have restrictions and they won't let me see ---, or even talk to her. That could be a reality. Well, that's far off in the future if it even happens. I imagine --- would get her before it even came down to that. I shouldn't even waste my time thinking of that.
So that's the update on our kids. Probably not surprising to you, especially if you can see all. It tears me up and my dumb ass uses this stupid avoidance tactic, so I don't hurt, but how selfish is that. They hurt, I hurt, we all hurt. My job is to make their hurt less, even if it means I take the brunt of it. I have the ability to shoulder all this pain better than they do. My coping skills are better (even if they do seem to suck sometimes). I've got to get my mind right and set aside more time for those girls. I feel like a failure to you honey. I feel like a failure to those girls. I feel like I let you and them down. I am a better person than this, I've just got to get my mind right. This does not get better. let me tell you that. Well, I'm going to go now. I sure love you and have been thinking about a lot of our memories lately. Yeah, it hurts, but it's a highlight reel that won't stop playing. I can't control it. So I suffer day in and day out as I wait for the day we will be together again. You are beautiful honey, I will never ever in my whole life forget about you and how much you meant to me. You are my forever, my one and only - the only one. I love you my kdub. xoxoxox
Apr 27, 2007
Bereavement study: homework assignment 1
Apr 25, 2007
It's Not Right
Apr 24, 2007
Happy Birthday - right
I haven’t wrote to you in awhile. I guess I’m just feeling hopeless and helpless now. I want you and nothing else in this life and I know you’re not attainable, at least not without dying. So I have some numbing, hopeless feeling. I feel so lost without you. I don’t want anything in this life. I could be content working as a walmart greeter or pushing carts in from Safeway. I don’t care if I end up coaching with Dxx, I don’t care if I stay in xxxx for the rest of my career, I don’t care if I get the job with xxxx and working out of xxxx. I don’t care if I live in this place in xxxxx forever ‘til I retire. I don’t care if I have to live with xxxxx. I don’t care if I live in xxxxx apt and commute. I don’t care if I can never afford to build our house in xxxxx. I don’t care if I don’t do anything and live in Green Valley and work at some bookstore and make $5.00/hr. I just don’t care what happens to my life. I don’t care if I get fired. I don’t care if I lose my job. I don’t care if I can never coach again. I don’t care if I can never fight fire again. I don’t care. I don’t care if something bad happens to me. I don’t care, I am numb. In my mind nothing worse can ever happen in my life that will make me hurt like losing you. Dad has MS, mom just told me she was diagnosed with ET – all these abbreviations. Essential tremors, it’s like Parkinsons where you shake. Hers is relegated to her head and hands and now that I look back, Grandma xxxx had it. And it runs in the family – duh – there is a word for that idiot – genetic. So give me the worse disease ever, give me one month to live. Take my parents from me. Why care? Nothing, no pain at all could ever come close to what I have experienced losing you. So is it any wonder that I don’t really care what happens in my life. Anything good won’t replace you and make me whole again or happy again. And anything bad won’t change my view on the world or make me hurt anymore than I already do. I just don’t have expectations. The only thing that disappoints me these days is not dying. I want to die and just be out of this earth so bad. Be away from here and be with you, but my luck I will live forever. And everyday that goes on is a day that I get discouraged and frustrated because I haven’t died yet. That’s all I want. Nothing, I want nothing but to die. So anyway I have this new numb feeling now and I suppose it’s replaced the feeling I had when I was so mad and pissed at you this weekend for not landing when you had four or five opportunities. Maybe I don’t think of that anymore because it hurts me so bad or maybe I just don’t care anymore. What’s the point in caring, in getting mad, in wishing you were here. It’s all empy. Nothing can be fulfilled with me anymore. It’s all pointless. I stayed mad at you until that night, I think I looked at your football jersey or your I heart xxxx shirt and I thought to myself, how could I ever stay mad at you. I love you more than anything in this whole world. This depth of love is so deep the pain burrows down and down and down trying to find the bottom of my love and it can’t. That’s why I believe this pain hurts so much, because it’s so deep.
So I’m in this bereavement study and I’m supposed to answer the question of “We would like you to start by thinking back at your loss experience. By this we mean the period between the time you first became aware your partner might die or had die up until and including your partner’s funeral. Then decide for yourself which moments or events during this period have been most significant to you and/or difficult to talk or think about. Try to write down these moments or events in as much detail as possible, including such facts as where you were, what happened, how you felt, what you were thinking, sights and sounds etc. Please note, we do not expect you to write down the whole sequence of events that took place during this period. Try to focus on the most significant moments or events.” How am I supposed to answer this, I don’t know what to say or what is significant. It was all a dream. It was all surreal, no particular event stood out. So I really need to think about that question. I would say what I remember most is the phone call with those three awful words, “we lost xxxx” – yeah, I’m crying now just typing that. How I reacted and driving up to your house to stay there one last time cuz that’s what it was going to be and I knew it....one last time. All the driving back n forth up there, people stopping by, Pissy staying, xxx visiting, crazy mama j coming over and drowning me in her sorrows, any phone calls or cards I got, I don’t remember, all of that was meaningless. I remember xxxx hugging me and saying a prayer. I remember going to dad’s church and xxxx saying a prayer and Mr Cheeks asking who will I marry now. I remember hearing his Train CD – Calling All Angels and When I Look To The Sky and looking out the window at nothing while tears streamed down my face. I wasn't even trying to cry, they were just coming. I know my sister was crying and maybe even dad. Eveything between then and the funeral is a blur. The funeral is a blur. xxx came up and she was with me and that meant a lot but it was all a blur too. There were so many people and I was lost, I couldn’t comprehend what was going on except all these people I didn’t know where hugging me and saying things to me. His old high school girlfriend gave me his football jersey and that made me cry. I just had no clue what was going on. Somehow everyone left and I stayed all by myself – well with his fuel truck driver xxx (I think) and I think I left the next day after breakfast with his family. I drove home alone and that’s all I know. I didn’t cry as much as I thought. It was all too unreal. Wow, I think this is the first time I wrote about a lot of this. I can see why I don’t think about it. It makes it all come back. Like it was yesterday and you should be here. You should be walking in that door right now. You should be calling me. WTF!!! I hate life even more now. No wonder I don’t talk or write about this. Number one who would I talk to about this and I guess I’ve never seen any need to write to you about this because it is the past. Well, what this has done for me is open up an old wound I didn’t know I had. I hate this. I hate this emptiness. I hate living without you by my side. I hate every single thing about what I’ve become and what my life has become. I am a wreck and I have no clue where I am going. Good thing I don’t care. I guess I’ll go now. Oh yeah, it’s my birthday and what’s it matter because you aren’t here to share it with. I turned 35 and you aren’t here to give me a hug or even call me if you were on a job somewhere. We should be married and we should be living in our new house and this should be my first birthday in our new house and we should have xxx. And we should be the happiest couple ever but instead I celebrated my birthday with no one and did nothing spectacular today. I got no cards, I got no presents. I got a phone call from dad, mom and a message from Pissy. Shit, all I wanted for my birthday was to look into your eyes and a hug. All I wanted was for you to hold me and tell me it’s going to be all right. That’s it. Even to hear your voice. I had two messages on my machine and I prayed that one would be you. I wouldn’t question how I got it or where it came from, I just wanted to know that you were thinking of me today. I hope you miss me as much as I miss you. It would suck if you didn’t. It would be like loving someone who doesn’t love you back. Well, that’s pointless and I suppose I’m rambling now, but my point was today was my birthday and it meant absolutely nothing without you. I wished you were here ..... but that’s everyday. I love you honey. So, so much. I will never forget you and I will always love you and I truly look forward to the day when we can be together again. Love you always and forever, your Baby GirlApr 20, 2007
Drowning
This is how I feel most of the time, essentially the façade of me waving e.g. being happy and having a smile on my face when in reality I am drowning e.g. hollow, sorrowful and empty inside. From a distance I appear okay, but upon closer inspection I am a train wreck.
For the first time today I got really pissed at you and I still am, I am numb writing this to you because I have so much anger I can't process it all. I talked to Jimmy today about the FAA report and he commented on the type of pilot you were, how you liked to push things and take chances. Yes, I know you were like that, it was part of your nature. You seemed to have gotten better and maybe you weren't like that at all, but I know how that is and sometimes when you get caught up in the moment you go with the flow and your instincts and if instincts have always been to just push a little more than that's what you do. Well, he had hoped when it goes to court that it doesn't come out that you liked to push the envelope sometimes. Okay, so far I'm fine with what Jimmy is saying because I agreed with him to the best of my knowledge. You had talked about being that way and although you had said you had changed your way of flying and were more aware of the limits and not pushing them anymore or as much, I would never really know since I never flew with you or worked with you the last couple of years, BUT you told me, so I believed you and I do to this day. Anyhow, we talked more and it came up that you apparently, according to everyone on the ground, had 4 or 5 chances to set the ship down in some flat areas, but you said you were going to take it back to service. People said just to set it down and the mechanic could get a ride or hike to the ship and check it out, but you pushed the envelope, you had to take it back to service. So I am so pissed, what happened to all our conversations about being safe and never pushing it because it was never worth it. What happened to you what you had said to me "I have so much to live for now, it's not worth it to push it." You said that to me, did it mean nothing. We're you not thinking of me, Sami, your mom, your dad. What were you doing – passing up safe opportunities to land and for what to get it to service. Why? Why? Why? Now I am sooooo mad because now I know this could have been prevented, all you had to do was land!! And on top off it all, I was told that you didn't land at service because you didn't want to kill the people on the ground, so you were a hero and decided to get it back so you wouldn't kill them, risking your life in the process. Well, I was fine with that, I was led to believe you were a hero of sorts and now I find out it was all lies!!! I was deceived and that pisses me off –not towards you, but it just adds to the whole attitude of being so angry with you. I am much cooler about this now, then I was 6 hours ago, in which I was pacing back and forth across the floor holding my head, crying, yelling at you that I hated you for passing up 4 or 5 opportunities to essentially, live. I was mad at you because it's your fault now that I suffer daily and I will live the rest of my life not knowing the pleasure of love, marriage, faithfullness, sacrifice for another, companionship, life's pleasures in general…..when you chose to pass up those places to land you chose to take my life with you also. You are responsible for ruining the rest of my life. You are responsible for this last year of hell I have suffered through, you are responsible for every second of every day of this pain I endure. You are responsible for you moms eternal suffering. You are responsible for abondoning Sami and her one hope and opportunity for salvation – us. You are responsible for all of our hell's on earth. Your selfish, stupid decision to push the envelope has ruined lives on earth. Because of your dumb ass decision we are all left to suffer the consequence. I hope you are happy now and if I sound blunt, angry and hateful, it's because I am. Rightfully so. You deserve it. And I am sooooo much more cooler than I was this afternoon. You heard me cursing at you for at least an hour straight. You really have ruined everything. How can you live with your decision? You should be so ashamed and full of guilt! Thanks. You know what really sucks about this. You did the same thing I probably would've done and that was a part of your personality that I loved. So what's so contradictory about all of this is I loved every bit of your personality, I would've never changed a thing and yet something I loved about you killed you and all our hopes and dreams. How confused am I? I hate. I hate. I hate. I hate. It's so deep right now, I don't even feel like I love you at this moment and the candle that I lit for you was words, not my heart. For the first time since you died I typed words to you that were meaningless. Words, they were just that. No heart was behind what I wrote and what's a shame it was something beautiful I wrote. I felt like telling you how much I hated you, yet I know I don't hate you, I hate your decision, I hate your actions. Me, of all people, a coach, a supervisor of people should know the difference between a person and their actions. But that is what I feel at this moment, is a hatred towards you. My hope is that I will go to bed, sleep on this, and eventually come to terms with this. This seems detrimental to my feelings towards you and I hope I can recover to this shock. And if this is part of Gods plan to make me distance myself from you, so I will move on with my life and find happiness with another man, it won't work. No matter how pissed and angry I am at you right now – and feeling like it may change my feelings for you – I know it's stupidity talking, irrational emotions talking and I will never be with anyone else ever again. You were the one….that's just the facts and that's just the way it will always be. So that's all I feel like saying to you right now. I'm angry and you don't deserve my time right now – you have really pissed me off and made me think deeply about all the things you have taken from me, noteably my life, my heart and my soul. You did something stupid and I am hear to pay the price for your stupidity. Thanks. Yeah, thanks a lot.
Apr 19, 2007
Spiritual Wit
Don't let your worries get the
best of you; remember, Moses started
out as a basket case.
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Some people are kind, polite, and
sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
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Many folks want to serve God,
but only as advisors.
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It is easier to preach ten sermons
than it is to live one.
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The good Lord didn't create anything
without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
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When you get to your wit's end,
you'll find God lives there.
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People are funny; they want the front
of the bus, the middle of the road, and
the back of the church.
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Opportunity may knock once, but temptation
bangs on your front door forever.
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Quit griping about your church;
if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
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If the church wants a better pastor,
it only needs to pray for the one it has.
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God Himself does not propose to judge
a man until he is dead. So why should you?
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Some minds are like concrete
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
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Peace starts with a smile.
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I don't know why some people
change churches; what difference does
it make which one you stay home from?
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A lot of church members who are singing
"Standing on the Promises"
are just sitting on the premises.
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We were called to be witnesses,
not lawyers or judges.
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Be ye fishers of men. You catch
them - He'll clean them.
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Coincidence is when God
chooses to remain anonymous.
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Don't put a question mark
where God put a period.
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Don't wait for 6 strong men
to take you to church.
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Forbidden fruits create many jams
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God doesn't call the qualified,
He qualifies the called.
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God grades on the cross, not the curve.
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God loves everyone, but probably prefers
"fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
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God promises a safe landing,
not a calm passage.
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He who angers you, controls you!
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If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
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Prayer:
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
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The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.
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The Will of God never takes you to
where the Grace of God will not protect you.
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We don't change the message,
the message changes us.
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You can tell how big a person is
by what it takes to discourage him.
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The best mathematical equation
I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
Apr 17, 2007
Ashes In The Waves
I can throw my dreams away today.
I miss the words, I love the words, you would say.
I miss the kisses you forever gave away.
There goes the sun, oceans away
And days die young when you're gone and you're gone
There goes the sun, oceans away
And leaves the day for someone else
Honestly I thought that we could make it all the way,
Barefoot on beaches dancing against the gray.
But stone by stone the castle crumbled to the ground,
I stood and stared as you started to fall into the waves.
There goes the sun, oceans away
And days die young when you're gone and you're gone
There goes the sun, oceans away
And leaves the day for someone else
Here's to the man of my dreams.
I take it all in a box and make my way down to the shore,
Throw it in and begin to
leave it to the waves
leave to the waves
leave to the
leave to the
leave to the waves
One Year & One Month
ONE YEAR & ONE MONTH
It's been a long time since I've seen you yet it also feels like yesterday that you waved to me as you hopped in the Neon and drove down Fairway Drive. NEVER would I think you weren't coming back. NEVER would I think that was the last time I'd ever see you. I'm struggling with all of this honey. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused, my life does NOT seem right. I feel so lost without you. What did you do to me? I feel so hopeless, like this will last forever. I don't see any end to this pain I'm in and I don't feel like it will come anytime soon. I want more than anything to be back in your arms. Something about being held by you made everything alright. You were peace for me. I saw something today on TV about a girl who's sister had died. She was explaining her sister and she said, "there was something different about my sister, just something that was......well, just different. Like she didn't belong here (on earth) and it ended up being true, she was too good for here, she belonged up there. When I heard her say that, I couldn't believe it, She said what I felt, but could never put a finger on, you were too good for this earth. I got to be with you for a little bit of your time here. Oh honey, I hurt so bad. I don't know if I can make it sometimes. I never fathomed pain could run this deep. I've been bombarded with YOU the last couple days. On Sunday Mr. Cheeks and I went to church. He told me he prayed to God that he wished you could be here with us still. And he said a few more things about "Uncle -------". After church we went to WalMart and I got the film I dropped off and the CD with pix for -----. I wanted so bad for there to be pix of you on the mystery disposable camera and sure enough, there were two. They were the first ones I turned to! One was of you driving and the other was you standing in some hotel room with your shirt off (cute little white belly) and jeans talking on the phone. I'm pretty sure it was when we went to see your mom in ------. It was the Apple Cup that weekend I remember that. So I kept looking at those pictures over and over - and all I wanted to do was hurry and come home and make ------s photo album for him. Eventually I made the get away from moms and I came back and spent a few hours sorting through all your pictures making your dads photo album. Looking at all those pictures brought back so many memories. Then that night ------ called and told me the FAA finished your report on the wreck and we talked about you for a long time. I read a little bit of it, but I just couldn't do it (read all of it that is). I finally just went to bed because I felt exhausted emotionally having such a day filled with you, you, you. Next morning (yesterday) dad, Mr Cheeks and I went to your moms and I got that Mustang. That's a whole 'nuther story, I feel so awkward accepting a gift so large from your mom. Maybe she's doing it because you would've done it for me - she says I'm all she's got now. I'm so grateful, but it so hasn't hit home yet. What can I say? So we get to your moms house and I was on the verge of tears a million times with most of our conversations. I've already blocked some out I see cuz I can't remember all of them now. And Oscar - just seeing Oscar made me want to cry. He would lean against me .... maybe he knew .... he knew I was a part of you and you were a part of me. He would look at me too and why did I want to cry so bad - something in his eyes. It's a dog, but it was more than that...I know it. Your mom had a collage with a lot of your baby pix - the one you tried to hide from me in your moms camper was up. Made me smile but miss you so bad all at once. Then there was a pic of you and me at Uncle ----- and Aunt -------s. I remember that day too. How uncomfortable I used to feel being around your family when we first started, I wanted them to like me and now I feel like they are my own family and I probably talk to them more than my own. And then your mom had this wall next to her computer full of pix of you & you n me. I spaced off looking at them and thinking about us. Then dad and her talked about your helicopter accident and I pretty much stayed out of it cuz it HURT too bad to even think about you crashing in your helicopter. Oh yeah, then your mom brought out that quilt her friend made for her and it was gorgeous. It had your flight suit with your cougar hat and your jeans. It was too much, I wanted to cry then too. I gave her a few presents with your name on them and it made me want to cry. I don't know, there were just sooo many times I wanted to cry. Oh yeah, just on the way down, driving through ------ and ------- - I hate that - I hate the memories that come up from the time we stayed down in -------. I saw the road you drove down to go to work in --------, then dad stopped at the very store that you and I did when we were down there. I drove by the place we looked at our laptops. I remember driving into ------- talking to you on my cell phone and there you were in your white pickup and I followed you and we both parked on that side street and just hugging you and being so excited to see you. I miss that more than anything in the whole world. I don't know hon - there was just way too many memories. I know I could pick my brain and bring up every little thing that made me think of you but this would be 10 pages long. Mr. Cheeks thought the Jolly Green Giant on the hillside was "Ucnle ------". He liked the song "Bad Day" and we were driving through that same area when you were trying to call Sirius to request it and I was reading you the article about Daniel Powter and how he used to be into drugs. All along the Columbia River...I remember. Then we all went and had lunch/dinner with your dad and I gave him the photo album and I wanted to look at it with him, but as soon as I gave it to him he put it in his truck and I'm glad he did cuz I decided it would've just been another cry I would've had to hold in. Well, the day was exhausting for me and I decided not to cry at all no matter what that I would save it for today cuz today is your day and I just want to fall apart now. I can't explain how out of it I feel. I feel like I'm floating in this world - aimlessly - I have absolutely no direction. I don't know how to put it into words. When I drive I think of how I really feel, but do you think I can remember to put it to words once I finally get to a computer....no. It just seems like I had so much I wanted to write to you today and now I think I'm just so tired and so numb that I can't even think. I get like that sometimes. I'm either real emotional or I just go flat like right now. I can't think. I stare straight ahead. I space off. I don't think. It's like I'm asleep with my eyes open. I don't know the answer. I don't want to talk to anyone about how I feel because look at me, I can't even explain it to you - the one person I could talk to about anything. So how can I be expected to get my point across to anyone else? I don't have faith in myself. Whenever I sometimes do start to say anything to anyone - ----- or ------- usually - or even ------ - I stumble on my words and nothing ever comes out like I think it in my head. So I keep it all bottled in or really I write it to you in an email. Plus I don't want to share my feelings with anyone cuz I don't want them to worry and I certainly don't want anyones sympathy. I don't know if I want this pain either. I don't know if I should pray for God to take the pain away or look at it as a gift, that the more pain I'm givin from God the more he is preparing me for Heaven. I want to suffer so much if that is the case - give me suffering until I die - then I can offer it up. I get confused about what to pray for - they say to feel honored if God tests you with suffering - you are his child. He's putting you to a test, so I want all he can throw me, I will take it all. But sometimes I want it all to end, but then again I don't. If I ever had a normal life full of happiness without you I would feel extremely guilty. I feel like I need to hurt sooooo bad - as an expression of my love for you. The more I loved you, the more I hurt. And then sometimes I feel so selfish when I want you to pleeeeasse come to me in a dream or please help me out. I see your mom and think about ------ and think how can I be so selfish to always want you....maybe or probably they need you more than I do. I am strong - I hurt like hell, but I am strong as hell too. So then I think not to bug you with my whimpering, whining and pleading cuz they need it so much more and you probably hate to see me be like this too. Then I feel guilty cuz I worship you so much and put you on a pedestal and I need to watch out for that cuz it's idolatry. I need to love God and Jesus as much as I love you. Well, I do, but I'm so much more vocal and "i love you' a million times to you versus them. I hurt cuz I can't be with you and I should hurt just as bad cuz I can't be with Jesus. I'm so confused about how to feel and I want to do everything okay so I get into Heaven. I want that so bad. Did I tell you I seriously contemplate giving it all up and going into a convent or being a nun. I don't know what it takes, but I'm so serious, something has changed in my life. Nothing is important to me anymore. It seems like this earth is just some place for me to ride out my time - really. I have no more hopes or dreams. My only hopes and dreams now are to make it to Heaven and to see you. That's it. And that is no joke. Anything else is pointless/worthless. And this is really bad, but it's how I feel. I feel so low right now, like the bottom has fallen out. I can't hurt anymore than what I do now or feel any more depth of pain than what I feel now. The reason I say that is I think about what would happen if I just left here and NEVER talked to any of these friends here or anywhere - basically just left, assumed a new identity and didn't talk to anyone. Just sat next to some pond all day in AZ feeding geese and praying about Heaven and thinking about you. I wouldn't miss anyone and I wouldn't hurt. Then I think what if all my family and your family got in some freak accident and I was left here all by myself. Of course, that is horrific and I don't ever, ever wish that, but I think how would that effect me and I honestly can say that it would just be more tragedy and death to add to my life but I certainly wouldn't feel any deeper pain, hurt, anget, sorrow, etc. than I do now. Bottom line is I am as low as I can go - that is the point I am trying to convey, that I am in pain, not that I want that to happen nor am I testing God or anything like that. Just stuff I think about - basically, can I hurt anymore than I already am? The answer is no, I can't. So I'm not looking to forward to facing more of your memories again all summer. I can't even think about it or I make myself sick (like I felt the last 3 days), so I don't think about it. I do what I'm probably supposed to do and take it one day at a time and only try to make it through tomorrow. Hah, I feel like a bubble ready to burst. Like I'm on the verge of something....I know I won't be living here much longer. I know I won't be working in ------- or on the ------ much longer. I don't know where I'll be but I do know I'd feel much better if I had more money when I moved - more money than now that is. I'll either be in Green Valley working at some library or something or I'll be living with Grandma ---- working in ------ or I'll be living with ------ coaching with ---- or I'll be somewhere being a nun - hell if I know I just feel something big is coming up. And another thing I was thinking as I was driving was the only time I feel good is when I am at church and that is no joke....what the hell is wrong with me that I can't even feel good around my own family. I'm messed up and I don't want to be that messed up. Sure I want to mourn your loss but healthy. I don't want to feel not good all the time, but then again I guess whatever I've got going on can't be turned off n on like a light switch. So I was thinking when am I happy or what makes me happy these days. Well, doing anything that involves you makes me comfortable feeling - indifferent - which is good compared to the usual piece of crap I feel like. So if I am writing you an email, working on your memory of page, your myspace page, looking at your pix, spacing off thinking of you, listening to music that makes me think of you, blah, blah, blah - any of that makes me just content feeling which right now is good and I will take it. What makes me happy though, and it's the only thing I've found is going to church. I actually feel okay, safe, comfortable and happy in church. It lasts an hour but sometimes when I get out it carries over anywhere from 5 minutes to maybe an hour longer, so that is good. It makes me feel so good that I wish I lived closer so I could go everyday - the thing that makes me feel so good is receiving communion cuz I know I am receiving the body and blood of Christ. I know he is in me. That is also why I think about becoming a nun so much, it's all that makes me happy right now....plus I am happiest when I am listening/learning on the Catholic Channel (radio) or EWTN (radio). I like listening to those channels so much that I wish I could drive forever (if gas didn't cost so damn much!!). So anyway all that makes me feel so good, so I need to write Father G and letter and enquire about being a nun. Anyhow, I suppose I will go to be now. I'm sorry I didn't write more about how amazing, and gorgeous, and perfect, and lovely, and beautiful you are. I really meant what I said about the girl talking about her sister and her sister being too good to be here. If you were alive I would tell you right now that I believe you are too good for this earth - you really are - you are in the right place. That's why I always called you my angel sent from above because in my mind you truly were a piece of Heaven - you couldn't have been anything less. I sure miss you. I really do honey. I miss everything about you - I really do look forward to the time when I can see you again. You're a lucky man to be in Heaven and I'm just as lucky to have known you. I love you honey. So, so much. Until we meet again, yours forever & faithfully, Baby Girl xoxoxoxoxoxo
Apr 15, 2007
I Want To Die
NTSB Identification: SEA06FA067.
The docket is stored in the Docket Management System (DMS). Please contact Records Management Division
14 CFR Part 133: Rotorcraft Ext. Load
Accident occurred Friday, March 17, 2006 in Dayville, OR
Aircraft: Kaman K-1200, registration: N263KA
Injuries: 1 Fatal.
HISTORY OF FLIGHT
On March 17, 2006, about 0935 Pacific standard time, a Kaman K-1200 helicopter, N263KA, collided with terrain in an uncontrolled descent following a loss of engine power while hovering out of ground effect about 16 nautical miles north of Dayville, Oregon. The commercial pilot, the sole occupant, received fatal injuries, and the helicopter sustained substantial damage. The helicopter was registered to and operated by Grizzly Mountain Aviation Inc. of Prineville, Oregon. Visual meteorological conditions prevailed and no flight plan was filed for the 14 CFR Part 133 flight. The helicopter was being used for long-line logging and operations for the day had commenced about 0700.
PERSONNEL INFORMATION
The pilot held a commercial pilot certificate with a helicopter rating. Additionally, he was rated as a private pilot in single engine land airplanes. His most recent medical certificate was a second class medical issued on April 5, 2005, with the limitation, must wear corrective lenses.
According to information provided by Grizzly Mountain Aviation, the pilot had accumulated a total flight time of 4,019 hours of which 3,858 hours were in helicopters and 1,646 hours were in the Kaman K-1200. In the previous 90 days, he had accumulated 267 hours, all in the Kaman K-1200.
Records provided by Kaman Aerospace Corporation indicated that in September 2004, the pilot satisfactorily completed the K-1200 Pilot Familiarization Training Course at the Kaman facility in Bloomfield, Connecticut. The training included 54 hours of ground school and 15 hours of flight instruction.
AIRCRAFT INFORMATION
The 2002 model Kaman K-1200 helicopter, S/N A940033, was powered by one 1,500-horsepower Honeywell T5317A-1 turboshaft engine, S/N LE-81003. At the time of the accident, the helicopter had accumulated 3,193.1 hours of flight time, and the engine had accumulated 6,636.1 operating hours since new and 3,257.4 hours since overhaul.
Review of the engine logbook revealed that an overhauled reduction gear box, P/N 1-030-350-16, S/N 5E003, was installed on January 10, 2005, at engine time since new of 5,813.3 hours. At the time of the accident, the reduction gear box had accumulated 822.8 hours since this overhaul, which was performed by a certified repair station. Review of the work order for the reduction gear box overhaul indicated that overhauled planetary gear shafts with serial numbers (S/Ns) 16336, 16363, and 16449 were installed.
The last major maintenance action performed on the engine was conducted on August 29, 2005, at engine time since new of 6,285.9 hours. The logbook entry for this maintenance indicated the engine was sent to the same repair station that performed the reduction gear box overhaul for "repair of reported low power and high EGT." The entry stated, in part: "Inspected hot section and compressor section, replaced air diffuser, replaced combustion liner, reassembled and functionally tested I/A/W [in accordance with] Honeywell 330.2 and 330.3 manuals." At the time of the accident, the engine had accumulated 350.2 hours since this repair.
Review of the daily maintenance report sheets for the helicopter from February 15, 2006, to the date of the accident revealed no listings of any uncorrected maintenance discrepancies.
WRECKAGE AND IMPACT INFORMATION
An on scene examination of the wreckage was conducted on March 17, 2006, by representatives from the FAA and Kaman Aerospace Corporation. According to information provided by the representatives, the helicopter came to rest inverted with the left side of the nose compartment, top and left sides of the cockpit, top of the transmission rotor shafts, left side of the landing gear boom, and left stabilizer contacting the ground. A circular debris field surrounded the helicopter with the farthest piece of wreckage located about 90 feet from the helicopter. The cargo hook on the helicopter's belly was open with the corresponding end of the long line several feet away. The long line was laid out on the ground aft of the helicopter. The line was intact, and there was no evidence of the line becoming entangled during the accident sequence.
The fuselage remained intact, but was crushed, distorted and broken aft of the landing gear boom. The tail boom remained attached and was distorted. The top 18 inches of the vertical fin were broken off, and the rudder was separated from the vertical fin. The separated section of the vertical fin and the rudder were found within the debris field. All four main rotor blades were broken into sections; all of the sections were accounted for in the debris field. According to the Kaman representative, "the rotor blade sections were in relatively large pieces denoting a slow rotor speed at impact." During examination of the helicopter at the accident site, 80 gallons of fuel were drained from the helicopter's fuel system, and the fuel filter and fuel samples appeared to be clean.
The wreckage was recovered from the accident site and transported to Specialty Aircraft in Redmond, Oregon, where it was further examined by the FAA and Kaman representatives on March 20, 2006. The transmission, rotor shafts and hubs remained together as a single unit, but the unit sustained heavy impact damage. The engine-to-transmission drive shaft was separated into 3 sections. The fracture surfaces on the drive shaft showed no signs of fatigue. Inspection of the engine revealed that the power turbine could be rotated by manually turning the second stage power turbine wheel. When the power turbine was rotated, the engine output adapter attached to the reduction gearbox did not rotate, indicating a mechanical disconnect within the engine. The engine was removed from the helicopter and sent to the facilities of Honeywell in Phoenix, Arizona for further examination.
MEDICAL AND PATHOLOGICAL INFORMATION
An autopsy of the pilot was conducted by the Medical Examiner Division of the Oregon State Police in Clackamas, Oregon. Toxicology tests conducted by the FAA's Toxicology and Accident Research Laboratory were negative for carbon monoxide, cyanide, ethanol and drugs.
TESTS AND RESEARCH
The engine was examined at the Honeywell facilities in Phoenix, Arizona on May 1 and 2, 2006, under the supervision of the NTSB investigator-in-charge (IIC). Disassembly of the engine revealed severe damage to the sun gear shaft (P/N 1-130-192-04, S/N 71037), which coupled the power turbine to the reduction gear box. Specifically, the center section of the sun gear on the forward end of the shaft was completely milled away, well into the gear shaft rim. The three planetary gear shafts (P/N 1-030-193-01, S/Ns 16336, 16363, and 16449) displayed damaged and missing teeth on their aft gears, which mated with the sun gear. There was metal debris adhering to all of the gear shafts. A large amount of metal debris, including pieces that appeared to be fragments of gear teeth, was found in the inlet housing, which covers the reduction gear box.
Each planetary gear shaft was supported at its aft end by a roller bearing, the outer race of which was pressed into a bore in the aft plate of the planetary gear carrier assembly. The aft roller bearing that supported planetary gear shaft S/N 16336 was found missing its cage, and the individual rollers were clustered together, such that a gap without rollers extended approximately 90 degrees around the circumference of the bearing. Pieces of the missing cage were located among the debris in the inlet housing.
The lockcup for the N1 seal and nut assembly, located on the forward end of the N1 compressor turbine shaft, was found disengaged, and the nut assembly had backed off of the threads on the compressor shaft. There was evidence of heavy rotational contact between the forward side of the nut assembly and the aft face of the #21 roller bearing. The #21 roller bearing, which supports the N2 power turbine shaft, was severely damaged. Specifically, the rollers were worn to a shape that locked them in their cage, which prevented them from rotating. The damaged bearing had allowed the N2 power turbine shaft to contact and rub the inside of the N1 compressor turbine shaft. (The N1 shaft is hollow, and the N2 shaft is housed within it.)
At the request of the NTSB IIC, Honeywell performed materials and engineering analysis on multiple components from the engine. These components included the sun gear shaft, the three planetary gear shafts, their bearings, the planetary gear carrier assembly, the N1 seal and nut assembly, its lockcup, and the #21 roller bearing. The findings of the materials and engineering analysis were, in part:
1. The aft shoulder of the outer race on the aft roller bearing that supported planetary gear shaft S/N 16336 exhibited four half moon shaped indentations, consistent with the spacing of four adjacent rollers installed in the bearing cage. The indentations were indicative of alignment-related assembly damage.
2. Examination of the corresponding bore in the aft plate of the planetary gear carrier assembly revealed a series of axial drag marks from a reluctant assembly of the aft roller bearing into the bore. These axial marks were overlaid by circumferential marks due to rotation of the bearing within the bore during operation, indicating that the axial marks were made during installation, not during disassembly.
3. Planetary gear shaft S/N 16336 exhibited fatigue separations on several of the aft gear teeth that mated with the sun gear. The case depth, case hardness, and core hardness of the planetary gear teeth were as specified.
4. Examination of the lockcup for the N1 seal and nut assembly revealed evidence that the lockcup was not properly engaged into the nut assembly. Specifically, five of the available six areas on the lockcup were crimped; however, the crimps were all notably shallow.
On the basis of the materials and engineering analysis, Honeywell developed the following chain of events leading to excessive wear of the sun gear shaft:
1. The aft roller bearing that supported planetary gear shaft S/N 16336 was improperly assembled, resulting in damage to the bearing.
2. Operation of the aft bearing with the shoulder damage at a spacing identical to four adjacent roller pockets resulted in the rollers pounding the cage pockets, eventually fatiguing and breaking the cage cross-webs. After the cross-webs all separated from the cage rings, the rollers all clustered together, resulting in an approximately 90 degree gap without rollers.
3. The gap without rollers induced a periodic high misalignment in planetary gear shaft S/N 16336 each time the gap passed through the load zone. This action led to fatigue failures to the teeth of the planetary gear and an increase in vibration.
4. Engine vibration from the failing planetary gear train along with the improperly crimped N1 seal and nut assembly lockcup loosened the nut. The nut then backed off and jammed into the #21 bearing.
5. Contact between the N1 seal and nut assembly and the #21 bearing led to sliding of the bearing's rollers resulting in excessive wear to the rollers. Radial wear continued in the bearing, eventually allowing the N2 shaft to make contact with the inside of the N1 shaft.
6. Rubbing of the shafts produced further misalignment in the planetary gear train leading to high tooth loading in the sun gear shaft, which resulted in stripping and separation of gear teeth and loss of transmitted torque through the reduction gear carrier assembly.
ADDITIONAL INFORMATION
The wreckage was released to a representative of the owner on December 6, 2006.