Apr 30, 2007

Helicopter & Phone Call


Was this you honey?
Get this.
I was talking to ----- on the phone tonight. He was in Missoula and we were talking about life after death and dying. All of the sudden the phone made this weird noise, kind of a whir and then a beep, I said "whoa, what was that noise?" and ----- says, "it was a helicopter" Well, it sure as hell didn't sound like a helicopter to me and so I questioned him, "a helicopter???, didn't sound like one". And he said, "yeah, there's one flying overhead right now". Hmmm. I asked, "you didn't hear that beep over the phone?" Nope, he didn't.
Maybe it's wishful thinking or I read too much into things, but it was weird the subject we were talking about and a helicopter was flying over ----- when I heard that weird noise over the phone. Some noise I've never heard before.
Well, I sure hope it was you. It made my heart skip a beat. If it was you, I love you for that and you can keep sending me signs and signals for the rest of my life....they are ALWAYS welcome, no matter what!!
I love you honey, you are the best ever and there is no doubt I will never find another like you!! Love you forever and ever, Your Babygirl xoxoxoxoxo

My Son Is All I Have Left

After seeing the flashing lights in his rear view mirror, Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often? When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror. The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand. Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow. Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform. "Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this." "Hello, Jack." No smile."Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids." "Yeah, I guess." Bob seemed uncertain. Good."I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit -just this once." Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. "Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?" "I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct ." Ouch. This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics. "What'd you clock me at?" "Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?" "Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as saw you. I was barely nudging 65." The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket. "Please, Jack, in the car" Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the window. The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad. Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license? Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again. A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip. "Thanks." Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice.Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost? Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read: "Dear Jack, Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it- a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters, all three of them. I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again. A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful, Jack, my son is all I have left." "Bob" Jack turned around in time to see Bob's car pull away and head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.

May today there be peace within you. May you trust God that you are exactly where
you
are meant to be. "I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our
feet when our wings have trouble remembering
how to fly."

Apr 29, 2007

Just The Two Of Us

i like being by myself because in a way i'm still alone with you. just me and you; me and my memories of you. here are my preferences in order 1. being with you - i'm alive and you're alive 2. dreaming about you and we are together 3. being alone with me and my memories of you...just me and you alone with no one to bother us - me thinking about you and i guess that just leaves being with people, which i don't really like because i'm always pretending like i'm okay, i'm always pretending everything is alright when it's not, i'm always pretending that i'm happy when in reality i'm so hollow and empty without you. other people take me away from you. just like when you were alive, other peoples demands took away from my time with you....nothing has changed. other people take away time i can daydream about us, think about getting to heaven (studying and focusing on my faith cuz i can't mess this one up!!!) or they take away me just reminiscing about you - us - our family - what we were going to have - what i'm still going to do for us - etc etc well, i think you are the most beautiful person i have ever met and i love you always and forever. i'm still anxiously awaiting the day that i die and we will be together again. i do need you honey. your babygirl forever and ever! xoxoxoxxo

IF

Apr 28, 2007

Spring




Spring is full of memories of us. Lately I have been having all sorts of memories of us pop into my head. I mowed the yard yesterday, usually after I mow the yard I get the bbq ready and start marinating the chicken for our dinner. Instead of bbq marinated chicken with you I ate toast all by myself. I keep thinking I should be driving up to CDA on the weekends or you should be pulling in my driveway. Or laying on my couch after I come back from my morning run. Or especially after mowing the yard I would always come in the house and there would be a message from you..."hi honey, just calling to say how much i love you and how beautiful you are" There was always a message. And when I came in the house yesterday, there was none. It's so hard to not expect things to be the same. It's hard to accept this new way of life. It's hard to let go and realize it will just never be like that again. Ugh, I don't really want to think or type about that. I mainly wanted you to know I thought about you pretty much the whole time I mowed the yard yesterday and I missed not eating dinner with you or at minimum a message from you on my answering machine. I love you honey and I'll be with you again someday (soon I hope). Love you, luv u, luv u, luv u, luv u, luv u!!! Forever and ever. I'm yours for all eternity. Til we meet again, your baby girl oxoxoxo

The Girls




I talked to xxx and her mom the other day, two days ago now. xxx called me and I was so happy to hear her voice. She asked what I was doing June 6th, maybe 7th, I can't remember now. She doesn't have school and wanted to hang out. Which is cool. I'm a horrible "mother". I have seen them (xxx & xxx) every month since you have died, except March and now the month of April is passing and that will make it two months in a row. That's not cool, but I will see xxx in a week or so cuz I have to go to CDA to get my ring cleaned and then again in June, so that will be good. So xxx and I talked for about 3 or 4 minutes before I heard xxx say in the background "who are you talking to" in a mean voice. It got quiet and I heard xxx say, "here you talk to her" So I ended up talking to xxx for awhile and by then xxx had disappeared so I didn't get to even tell her I love her. When I asked xxx about the June 6th, 7th date, she said that was fine. It was on a Thursday, so I said something to the effect that we could just hang out that day since she'd have school the next day. xxx says, "oh, that doesn't matter, she can miss." Then she went on to say that xxx hadn't been to school the last three days because someone made fun of her on Monday, so she didn't want to go back, so xxx says, "well she does have the sniffles, so she is sick." Basically, laughing about justifying it that way. I just shake my head and wonder what you can see from up above, it's got to make your stomach turn. Seeing all you see, how can there not be any other emotion in Heaven besides love. How, as a father, would you being able to see the injustice being done to "your little angel" and not hurt??????????? I think what you must think about the whole situation. Crazy. Then I asked about xxx. "She's gone, runaway, kind of" So she eventually elaborates and tells me that she has 27 parole violations and they wanted to put her in a juvenile detention center or home of sorts until she's 18. Apparently xxx or xxx don't want that, so she is harboring xxx somewhere. She said she was going to ----- tonight to see her and they were going to spend the night in a hotel. What the hell???? Seriously, it makes my stomach turn right now and cry. None of this would be happening if you were here. Why does life have to be this way?? I don't even wonder what life would be like if you were still here....I don't have to wonder because I KNOW. I know what life would be like if you were here. I certainly know none of this would be happening. I can't speak for -----, because she has a mind of her own, but at least you and me could have hopefully had some positive influence and she probably would've been living with us. How could ---- possibly think any of what she is doing is okay? What has led her to believe that what she is doing is okay. Was she really raised that way? She's thinking about moving to Washington (--- --), so ---- can enter into a different juvenile system. Funny thing is, I think Washington is stricter than Idaho. That's the answer ----, run from your problems and they'll keep following you. Did it ever cross your mind that if you would just deal with them they might just go away? Ooooooh, (big sigh) honey, how can something as beautiful, good and pure as you have something like this associated with you. Who would've ever thought, that in meeting and falling in love with you, that would all leave and be gone and I'd be stuck with these sorts of remnants? It's not supposed to be like this. I want somehow, someway to help ---- (and ---). What leverage do I have? What resources do I have? How can I? I feel like my hands are tied as I watch this all unfold from the sidelines. I hope so bad that ----- gets caught up and she ends up getting both --- and --- taken away. In fact, --- said they are talking about putting her in jail for 10 days for harboring ----, or aiding and abetting. Something along those lines. If that happened that might be the straw that breaks the camels back and maybe something will be done with ---. Maybe she will be placed in a new home. I never thought of this though, what if the people in the new place have restrictions and they won't let me see ---, or even talk to her. That could be a reality. Well, that's far off in the future if it even happens. I imagine --- would get her before it even came down to that. I shouldn't even waste my time thinking of that.
So that's the update on our kids. Probably not surprising to you, especially if you can see all. It tears me up and my dumb ass uses this stupid avoidance tactic, so I don't hurt, but how selfish is that. They hurt, I hurt, we all hurt. My job is to make their hurt less, even if it means I take the brunt of it. I have the ability to shoulder all this pain better than they do. My coping skills are better (even if they do seem to suck sometimes). I've got to get my mind right and set aside more time for those girls. I feel like a failure to you honey. I feel like a failure to those girls. I feel like I let you and them down. I am a better person than this, I've just got to get my mind right. This does not get better. let me tell you that. Well, I'm going to go now. I sure love you and have been thinking about a lot of our memories lately. Yeah, it hurts, but it's a highlight reel that won't stop playing. I can't control it. So I suffer day in and day out as I wait for the day we will be together again. You are beautiful honey, I will never ever in my whole life forget about you and how much you meant to me. You are my forever, my one and only - the only one. I love you my kdub. xoxoxox

Apr 27, 2007

Bereavement study: homework assignment 1



Homework assignment 1
We would like you to start by thinking back at your loss experience. By this we mean the period between the time you first became aware your partner might die or had die up until and including your partner’s funeral. Then decide for yourself which moments or events during this period have been most significant to you and/or difficult to talk or think about. Try to write down these moments or events in as much detail as possible, including such facts as where you were, what happened, how you felt, what you were thinking, sights and sounds etc. Please note, we do not expect you to write down the whole sequence of events that took place during this period. Try to focus on the most significant moments or events.

It was the worst three words that I've ever heard in my whole life; these three words have turned my world upside down, "we lost -----." He had left a day earlier to work. He was on his days off and wasn't even scheduled to work. He was a helicopter pilot filling in for his co-worker who wanted to leave a day early. I talked to him as he was driving to work about 3 in the morning and then again at 4 am because he wasn't going to have cell coverage. I knew he wouldn't be calling me until later in the evening. He would have to land at dusk and then drive about an hour to get back into cell coverage. The phone rang at 8 p.m. ish (maybe), I used to know, but I'm not sure what time it was now. It was dark outside. When I answered the phone and it was his mom, I knew. I immediately got a pit in my stomach. She asked, "how are you doing?" But not in a "I haven't talked to you in awhile how are you doing", more of a feeler-had I heard sort of question. Her tone of voice and the way she asked the question, not to mention, this is the first time she ever called me without ----- being around. I knew. When she asked me how I was doing, I wanted her to say so bad, he was in the hospital or he had been injured badly. Anything, but those three words she was about to say that changed my life forever. I answered her, "Fine," with a long pause and then I added after a moment of silence from the other end, ".....I think." That's when she told me, we lost ----. I have no clue what I said or what she said. I don't know if she hung up or I did, did we cry? Did I ask what happened? Well, now that I think back, I remember she told me it happened at 10 am. That's all I remember from our conversation, if you could call it that. I was standing in my living room when I heard the news. I remember putting the phone on the love seat and collapsing to my knees and crying and crying and then getting up and pacing back and forth in the foyer, back and forth, back and forth, with my hands on my head, I don't know what I was thinking. Probably, "this can't be real." My knees got so weak, I collapsed to the floor and slammed my fists to the floor until my wrist bones became bruised and sore. I can't remember much if I was crying then. Maybe I was saying no, no, no over and over. I'm not sure how much time passed before I called my mom and told her, ---- died. She starting crying saying no, no, no. I remember that, nothing else of that phone call. I didn't want to call anyone else in my family, I knew mom would. ----- and I had a seperate home a couple hours away we shared. While he was gone I was staying at a seperate house where I work. I didn't know what to do, but I knew I couldn't stay at my place all by myself. I drove, even though I knew I shouldn't, but I didn't care, I wanted to die. I drove 2 hrs to our place just so I could be in our bed for the last time. That's all I could think, this will be the last time I will ever stay here. I don't remember the drive, I don't remember what I did when I got there, I did get in our bed and sleep at some point. I woke up the next morning and I think I went to my dads. A neighbor was there and my sister drove over from where she lived and my other sister was there and maybe my mom and step dad showed up????? I remember going to church with dad, step mom, little brothers, sisters and nephew. Maybe my mom and step-dad even went. Everything is a blur, I really don't remember specifics. As we drove to church I do remember asking them to play the cd that had the song that ----- wanted at his funeral, Train - When I Look To The Sky. The first song on the cd was 'Calling All Angels' and I was looking out the window and it was a blur. I was in my own little world. I saw nothing, I felt nothing, I heard nothing. Maybe I heard my family crying. I wasn't crying but somehow tears were streaming down my face without me even trying. That song is vivid. When I was in church my 3 yr old nephew asked me, "Who are you going to marry now?" (----- and I were engaged to be married in a month) I told him "I don't know" and he said he would marry me. The pastor said a prayer for ----- and all I could do was sit there like a zombie. Still it didn't seem like I was crying, but there were tears. From that day I don't remember how many days passed until his funeral. It could have been three days or a month, I really don't know, time stood still for me. In the meantime his mom made the funeral arrangements and I traveled back and forth to our other house packing up our stuff and cleaning. I think I did this for what seemed like days. Up before dawn and back late at night. Busy, busy, busy. Maybe only getting a few hours sleep a night, not because I couldn't sleep, but because I was working on getting his affairs in order. I did sleep, I never had a problem with that, but it's only because I worked myself to exhaustion everyday cleaning, packing, moving, driving, phone calls, etc. etc. Nothing stands out too much during this time except a "friend" drove from across the state to console me, but she ended up being a basket case and I had to talk her out of committing suicide. She talked for days about herself. Hours upon hours. All while I cleaned, moved and took care of his bills, house, etc. etc. Although she was by my side all day, everyday, she never lifted a finger to help. All she did was tell me about how horrible her life was and that she wanted to take all these pills she had to end her life. I remember once when she went to the bathroom, looking up towards God and shaking my head, asking him if this was some sort of cruel trick. She eventually fainted and I thought, 'Oh great, another person died on me.' She ended up being okay (kind of) and I babysat her for the rest of her stay. I thought it was ironic that she came to "help" me in my time of need and I ended up being the strong person to help her....it was ridiculous. Overall, it's probably safe to say that it's all very blurry and I never realized it until I thought about the assignment question. I really don't think I have ever really reflected back to when it all happened. Occassionally the words, "We lost -----" would echo over and over in my mind and I could see myself collapsing to my knees. Even then I never reflected back with much, if any, emotion. Typing this made me realize that I have barely revisited that time. As for the funeral, it was a long drive with an over night stay. It was a lot of his family, friends and co-workers from a different time in his life that I didn't know. I had friends and family too, but so many people were coming up to me and introducing themselves I didn't even get time to be near my own family and friends. The funeral was a blur and the only significant thing I remembered about the funeral is that his high school girlfriend gave me his football jersey and it brought me to tears. People wanted me to drink, but I rarely drink. All I wanted was to escape, be alone and be far away from all these people that I didn't know. I certainly wasn't in a social mood. My best friend flew up, but I don't remember how she got back to the airport or even if she stayed with me that night. I drove to the funeral with her, but not back. Who knows where she went or how she got home. I've never thought about it. Hmmmm. Like I said it was all a blur, very few events are clear in my mind and the ones that are I just spoke about. You ask which moments are most difficult to talk or think about. I have never talked about it with anyone, not because I don't have people to talk to, but I just don't talk to people about it because I don't want to make anyone uneasy around me and think that they have to avoid me because I'm one of those people who pour out their heart and soul and don't shut up. I'll keep it in and avoid the risk of "chasing people away". Needless to say, the moments I have found most difficult to talk about or think about are based off of typing this since I have never reflected back to that time or shared that time with anyone. I've realized my reaction to the phone call, the rest of that night and the day I went to my dads and church with my family (I think it was the next day) gave me a huge pit in my stomach. It is those moments that I recall most vividly. The rest is vague and because it was such a numbing/zombie-like time for me, I don't really associate much emotion with the rest of that time. When I do think back, it's always memories of ----- being alive, or even sometimes imaging what he went through during the crash, but not after that.

Apr 25, 2007

It's Not Right

I hurt honey. A lot. We had so much we never got to share or do together. I wanted to share the rest of my life with YOU. Not any one else on this earth, just you. I went to my neighbors tonight because their son turned one and it was really bothersome for me. I looked at ---- and ----- being such good parents, sharing in the joy of their sons first birthday and all I could think about was that could've been me and you someday sharing that same joy, but now we can't. It will never happen, I will never know that joy to share a child with someone who I love sooo much. I can only watch others and make myself sick thinking that should be us. Then they had their friends there, 3 other couples and then -----, who's engaged to be married this fall. I felt so out of place, they all have somebody and I have nothing. Yeah, I HAD what they all have and I appreciate it more than all of them put together. Now I have nothing even close to what any of them have. All I ever wanted in my life was to share it with someone like you. Now what do I have. Absolutely nothing. If I could offer up my life to someone and say, "hey take my life, live the life that I've lived", I would never do it. I would never subject any other human being to this pain that I feel or to this emptiness that's in my soul. Yeah, I've done so much, accomplished much, been very successful in everything I've ever done, traveled, got a college degree, many friends, a great family, on and on and on. On the outside I've done it all and have it all. But your loss has overshadowed everything I've ever accomplished. You have tainted all the good in my life. All the good I've accomplished or have means nothing to me. You are all I want, you are what I lived for. It never used to be that way, but the moment I met you, was the moment I dedicated my life to you. I still want that. I can't put my mind or focus anywhere else, because nothing is as fulfilling as you. Nothing will ever bring me the joy or happiness that you brought to my life. I feel so, so empty now. It's not good for me to be around couples or people in relationships. It does nothing for me, but make me sorrowful or make me long for you sooooo bad. I hurt so deep right now because you can't be with me. You can't share a thing of my life with me anymore. This is my life now and you know nothing about it. You can't see this earth anymore, you can't see what I go through everyday. It's all meaningless. This is my life and I hate it. I hate it so much honey. I don't know what to do. All I want is just one second with you. All I want is for one more try. All I want is for it to be like it used to be. All I want is us....that's it honey, just you. In our whole lives, that is nothing. People beg for riches, happiness, financial freedom, a good job, friends, a new house, car, etc. etc. People want all these things and all I want is a person. That's it, just a single human being to share my life with. And that one person is you - not anyone else on this whole earth, it's just you. Why did this have to happen? I want so bad to be gone from this earth. I don't like being here, I don't like experiencing the feelings and thoughts that come from missing you or thinking about where we should be or what we should have. I don't like this at all. I don't know sometimes what keeps me from just ending it and putting me out of my misery. I do know, it's the promise of Heaven and eternal life, but I guess I'm too impatient; a product of today's society. I want it now. I want you now. I don't want to wait until Heaven. And what if when you get to Heaven love is all equal (like I suspect it will be), we won't be a couple or I won't be any closer to you than I'd be to my Uncle xxx or my friend, Katie xxxx. We will all be equal, at least that's what I think in my mind. In Heaven I will be so full of love it won't matter, I'm sure of that. It won't matter one bit, but I'm not in Heaven, I am on earth and I have needs and you were my only need. That's it. I need one thing in my life and I lose it. I am on earth and I'm here for a long time probably and I can't stand thinking about you over and over for a long time. I want you in my life right now on earth and I want you to be here so I won't hurt anymore. As long as you are gone there will be a huge void in my heart and soul. I am going to have to live the rest of my life like this. I don't want any other human being to enter into my life and taint what we had. To this day I still won't entertain the idea of being with someone else. I will be single for the rest of my life and I will never even get close to another man. You will be the last thing ever that touched, kissed or loved me. It will be you forever, for the rest of my life. Don't you worry - when I get to Heaven, if we can be couples, it won't be ruined by me being with someone on this earth. Plus I honestly can't even fathom ever loving anyone ever again. No way. It seems so impossible. Like changing the frog into a prince, it just is NOT possible, that's how I view loving again. It just is impossible, it WON'T happen again. Maybe you can see me and you are in Heaven wanting me to love again so bad, but that's not how I work. I am so loyal and you have to know the depth of it. You have to know more than us humans know. So maybe (I hope not) you want me to fall in love again, but it won't happen. I will be eternally faithful to you. I will dedicate the rest of my life to something - not another person, but something. Maybe being a nun, I honestly do still think about that. Maybe to being a basketball coach, maybe to being a librarian, maybe to being an author or a scholar. I'm not sure yet, but it will become clear. I most certainly won't share my life with anyone ever again. You were and are my only one honey. Yes, it hurts me so that you aren't here, but guaranteed, the answer is not to fill that void with another person. You can NEVER be replaced by any human form, you were/are too perfect. That would lead to disappointment. Not to mention, I believe that to be a slap in your face. To me it says you meant nothing and you are a dime a dozen and easily replaceable. We both know you are irreplaceable and no person could even come close to being like you. I certainly will never look for anyone to share my life with. I will look for other things to fill your void. I know nothing will ever fill it completely, but hopefully enough to get me through each day until I die and I'm reunited with you. Until that day you can be assured I am faithful to you and you only. I will see you in Heaven again. If it's all for nothing, the nice thing is, it's Heaven, nothing as petty as limiting myself to only you will be a bother in Heaven. I'll be in Heaven for Gods sakes, it won't matter that I was never with anyone again. I'll be happy....when you are in Heaven I'm sure you don't have regrets or sadness or even a desire to have done things differently. You are in the best place in the world. In Heaven you don't think about the past....you are just a big ball of love and everything in the world is great. There are no negative thoughts or emotions.....so even if I do suffer the rest of my life, it doesn't matter when I get to Heaven cuz I'm FINALLY there!!! That will be a happy, happy moment. Even happier than the day you asked me to marry you. The best day ever (or the day we met). I felt the most happiness ever on the day you asked me to marry you, but accumulatively the day we met is the day that started the happiest time of my life, so yes that was a happy day, although I didn't know it at the time, so I have to pick the time that actually made me soooo happy I cried. How often does one cry tears of joy.....well, when the man of their dreams asks you to marry him. Asks you to share the rest of his life. Asks you over all the other human beings in the whole world that he could've picked instead. That's when one cries tears of joy. You are the best honey. You were and always will be, that will never change! I love you forever and ever until the day I die and then of course right into Heaven when we will meet again. I dedicate my life to you honey. You are the dim light that keeps me going through all these dark days. Love you beautiful, your baby girl. xoxoxo

Apr 24, 2007

Happy Birthday - right



I haven’t wrote to you in awhile. I guess I’m just feeling hopeless and helpless now. I want you and nothing else in this life and I know you’re not attainable, at least not without dying. So I have some numbing, hopeless feeling. I feel so lost without you. I don’t want anything in this life. I could be content working as a walmart greeter or pushing carts in from Safeway. I don’t care if I end up coaching with Dxx, I don’t care if I stay in xxxx for the rest of my career, I don’t care if I get the job with xxxx and working out of xxxx. I don’t care if I live in this place in xxxxx forever ‘til I retire. I don’t care if I have to live with xxxxx. I don’t care if I live in xxxxx apt and commute. I don’t care if I can never afford to build our house in xxxxx. I don’t care if I don’t do anything and live in Green Valley and work at some bookstore and make $5.00/hr. I just don’t care what happens to my life. I don’t care if I get fired. I don’t care if I lose my job. I don’t care if I can never coach again. I don’t care if I can never fight fire again. I don’t care. I don’t care if something bad happens to me. I don’t care, I am numb. In my mind nothing worse can ever happen in my life that will make me hurt like losing you. Dad has MS, mom just told me she was diagnosed with ET – all these abbreviations. Essential tremors, it’s like Parkinsons where you shake. Hers is relegated to her head and hands and now that I look back, Grandma xxxx had it. And it runs in the family – duh – there is a word for that idiot – genetic. So give me the worse disease ever, give me one month to live. Take my parents from me. Why care? Nothing, no pain at all could ever come close to what I have experienced losing you. So is it any wonder that I don’t really care what happens in my life. Anything good won’t replace you and make me whole again or happy again. And anything bad won’t change my view on the world or make me hurt anymore than I already do. I just don’t have expectations. The only thing that disappoints me these days is not dying. I want to die and just be out of this earth so bad. Be away from here and be with you, but my luck I will live forever. And everyday that goes on is a day that I get discouraged and frustrated because I haven’t died yet. That’s all I want. Nothing, I want nothing but to die. So anyway I have this new numb feeling now and I suppose it’s replaced the feeling I had when I was so mad and pissed at you this weekend for not landing when you had four or five opportunities. Maybe I don’t think of that anymore because it hurts me so bad or maybe I just don’t care anymore. What’s the point in caring, in getting mad, in wishing you were here. It’s all empy. Nothing can be fulfilled with me anymore. It’s all pointless. I stayed mad at you until that night, I think I looked at your football jersey or your I heart xxxx shirt and I thought to myself, how could I ever stay mad at you. I love you more than anything in this whole world. This depth of love is so deep the pain burrows down and down and down trying to find the bottom of my love and it can’t. That’s why I believe this pain hurts so much, because it’s so deep.

So I’m in this bereavement study and I’m supposed to answer the question of “We would like you to start by thinking back at your loss experience. By this we mean the period between the time you first became aware your partner might die or had die up until and including your partner’s funeral. Then decide for yourself which moments or events during this period have been most significant to you and/or difficult to talk or think about. Try to write down these moments or events in as much detail as possible, including such facts as where you were, what happened, how you felt, what you were thinking, sights and sounds etc. Please note, we do not expect you to write down the whole sequence of events that took place during this period. Try to focus on the most significant moments or events.” How am I supposed to answer this, I don’t know what to say or what is significant. It was all a dream. It was all surreal, no particular event stood out. So I really need to think about that question. I would say what I remember most is the phone call with those three awful words, “we lost xxxx” – yeah, I’m crying now just typing that. How I reacted and driving up to your house to stay there one last time cuz that’s what it was going to be and I knew it....one last time. All the driving back n forth up there, people stopping by, Pissy staying, xxx visiting, crazy mama j coming over and drowning me in her sorrows, any phone calls or cards I got, I don’t remember, all of that was meaningless. I remember xxxx hugging me and saying a prayer. I remember going to dad’s church and xxxx saying a prayer and Mr Cheeks asking who will I marry now. I remember hearing his Train CD – Calling All Angels and When I Look To The Sky and looking out the window at nothing while tears streamed down my face. I wasn't even trying to cry, they were just coming. I know my sister was crying and maybe even dad. Eveything between then and the funeral is a blur. The funeral is a blur. xxx came up and she was with me and that meant a lot but it was all a blur too. There were so many people and I was lost, I couldn’t comprehend what was going on except all these people I didn’t know where hugging me and saying things to me. His old high school girlfriend gave me his football jersey and that made me cry. I just had no clue what was going on. Somehow everyone left and I stayed all by myself – well with his fuel truck driver xxx (I think) and I think I left the next day after breakfast with his family. I drove home alone and that’s all I know. I didn’t cry as much as I thought. It was all too unreal. Wow, I think this is the first time I wrote about a lot of this. I can see why I don’t think about it. It makes it all come back. Like it was yesterday and you should be here. You should be walking in that door right now. You should be calling me. WTF!!! I hate life even more now. No wonder I don’t talk or write about this. Number one who would I talk to about this and I guess I’ve never seen any need to write to you about this because it is the past. Well, what this has done for me is open up an old wound I didn’t know I had. I hate this. I hate this emptiness. I hate living without you by my side. I hate every single thing about what I’ve become and what my life has become. I am a wreck and I have no clue where I am going. Good thing I don’t care. I guess I’ll go now. Oh yeah, it’s my birthday and what’s it matter because you aren’t here to share it with. I turned 35 and you aren’t here to give me a hug or even call me if you were on a job somewhere. We should be married and we should be living in our new house and this should be my first birthday in our new house and we should have xxx. And we should be the happiest couple ever but instead I celebrated my birthday with no one and did nothing spectacular today. I got no cards, I got no presents. I got a phone call from dad, mom and a message from Pissy. Shit, all I wanted for my birthday was to look into your eyes and a hug. All I wanted was for you to hold me and tell me it’s going to be all right. That’s it. Even to hear your voice. I had two messages on my machine and I prayed that one would be you. I wouldn’t question how I got it or where it came from, I just wanted to know that you were thinking of me today. I hope you miss me as much as I miss you. It would suck if you didn’t. It would be like loving someone who doesn’t love you back. Well, that’s pointless and I suppose I’m rambling now, but my point was today was my birthday and it meant absolutely nothing without you. I wished you were here ..... but that’s everyday. I love you honey. So, so much. I will never forget you and I will always love you and I truly look forward to the day when we can be together again. Love you always and forever, your Baby Girl

Apr 20, 2007

Drowning

I was much further out than you thought and not waving but drowning.

This is how I feel most of the time, essentially the façade of me waving e.g. being happy and having a smile on my face when in reality I am drowning e.g. hollow, sorrowful and empty inside. From a distance I appear okay, but upon closer inspection I am a train wreck.

For the first time today I got really pissed at you and I still am, I am numb writing this to you because I have so much anger I can't process it all. I talked to Jimmy today about the FAA report and he commented on the type of pilot you were, how you liked to push things and take chances. Yes, I know you were like that, it was part of your nature. You seemed to have gotten better and maybe you weren't like that at all, but I know how that is and sometimes when you get caught up in the moment you go with the flow and your instincts and if instincts have always been to just push a little more than that's what you do. Well, he had hoped when it goes to court that it doesn't come out that you liked to push the envelope sometimes. Okay, so far I'm fine with what Jimmy is saying because I agreed with him to the best of my knowledge. You had talked about being that way and although you had said you had changed your way of flying and were more aware of the limits and not pushing them anymore or as much, I would never really know since I never flew with you or worked with you the last couple of years, BUT you told me, so I believed you and I do to this day. Anyhow, we talked more and it came up that you apparently, according to everyone on the ground, had 4 or 5 chances to set the ship down in some flat areas, but you said you were going to take it back to service. People said just to set it down and the mechanic could get a ride or hike to the ship and check it out, but you pushed the envelope, you had to take it back to service. So I am so pissed, what happened to all our conversations about being safe and never pushing it because it was never worth it. What happened to you what you had said to me "I have so much to live for now, it's not worth it to push it." You said that to me, did it mean nothing. We're you not thinking of me, Sami, your mom, your dad. What were you doing – passing up safe opportunities to land and for what to get it to service. Why? Why? Why? Now I am sooooo mad because now I know this could have been prevented, all you had to do was land!! And on top off it all, I was told that you didn't land at service because you didn't want to kill the people on the ground, so you were a hero and decided to get it back so you wouldn't kill them, risking your life in the process. Well, I was fine with that, I was led to believe you were a hero of sorts and now I find out it was all lies!!! I was deceived and that pisses me off –not towards you, but it just adds to the whole attitude of being so angry with you. I am much cooler about this now, then I was 6 hours ago, in which I was pacing back and forth across the floor holding my head, crying, yelling at you that I hated you for passing up 4 or 5 opportunities to essentially, live. I was mad at you because it's your fault now that I suffer daily and I will live the rest of my life not knowing the pleasure of love, marriage, faithfullness, sacrifice for another, companionship, life's pleasures in general..when you chose to pass up those places to land you chose to take my life with you also. You are responsible for ruining the rest of my life. You are responsible for this last year of hell I have suffered through, you are responsible for every second of every day of this pain I endure. You are responsible for you moms eternal suffering. You are responsible for abondoning Sami and her one hope and opportunity for salvation – us. You are responsible for all of our hell's on earth. Your selfish, stupid decision to push the envelope has ruined lives on earth. Because of your dumb ass decision we are all left to suffer the consequence. I hope you are happy now and if I sound blunt, angry and hateful, it's because I am. Rightfully so. You deserve it. And I am sooooo much more cooler than I was this afternoon. You heard me cursing at you for at least an hour straight. You really have ruined everything. How can you live with your decision? You should be so ashamed and full of guilt! Thanks. You know what really sucks about this. You did the same thing I probably would've done and that was a part of your personality that I loved. So what's so contradictory about all of this is I loved every bit of your personality, I would've never changed a thing and yet something I loved about you killed you and all our hopes and dreams. How confused am I? I hate. I hate. I hate. I hate. It's so deep right now, I don't even feel like I love you at this moment and the candle that I lit for you was words, not my heart. For the first time since you died I typed words to you that were meaningless. Words, they were just that. No heart was behind what I wrote and what's a shame it was something beautiful I wrote. I felt like telling you how much I hated you, yet I know I don't hate you, I hate your decision, I hate your actions. Me, of all people, a coach, a supervisor of people should know the difference between a person and their actions. But that is what I feel at this moment, is a hatred towards you. My hope is that I will go to bed, sleep on this, and eventually come to terms with this. This seems detrimental to my feelings towards you and I hope I can recover to this shock. And if this is part of Gods plan to make me distance myself from you, so I will move on with my life and find happiness with another man, it won't work. No matter how pissed and angry I am at you right now – and feeling like it may change my feelings for you – I know it's stupidity talking, irrational emotions talking and I will never be with anyone else ever again. You were the one.that's just the facts and that's just the way it will always be. So that's all I feel like saying to you right now. I'm angry and you don't deserve my time right now – you have really pissed me off and made me think deeply about all the things you have taken from me, noteably my life, my heart and my soul. You did something stupid and I am hear to pay the price for your stupidity. Thanks. Yeah, thanks a lot.

Apr 19, 2007

Spiritual Wit

Don't let your worries get the
best of you; remember, Moses started
out as a basket case.

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Some people are kind, polite, and
sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.

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Many folks want to serve God,
but only as advisors.

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It is easier to preach ten sermons
than it is to live one.

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The good Lord didn't create anything
without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

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When you get to your wit's end,
you'll find God lives there.

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People are funny; they want the front
of the bus, the middle of the road, and
the back of the church.

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Opportunity may knock once, but temptation
bangs on your front door forever.

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Quit griping about your church;
if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

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If the church wants a better pastor,
it only needs to pray for the one it has.

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God Himself does not propose to judge
a man until he is dead. So why should you?

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Some minds are like concrete
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

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Peace starts with a smile.

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I don't know why some people
change churches; what difference does
it make which one you stay home from?

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A lot of church members who are singing
"Standing on the Promises"
are just sitting on the premises.

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We were called to be witnesses,
not lawyers or judges.

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Be ye fishers of men. You catch
them - He'll clean them.

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Coincidence is when God
chooses to remain anonymous.

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Don't put a question mark
where God put a period.

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Don't wait for 6 strong men
to take you to church.

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Forbidden fruits create many jams

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God doesn't call the qualified,
He qualifies the called.

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God grades on the cross, not the curve.

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God loves everyone, but probably prefers
"fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

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God promises a safe landing,
not a calm passage.

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He who angers you, controls you!

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If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

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Prayer:

Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

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The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.

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The Will of God never takes you to
where the Grace of God will not protect you.

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We don't change the message,
the message changes us.

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You can tell how big a person is
by what it takes to discourage him.

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The best mathematical equation
I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

Apr 17, 2007

Ashes In The Waves



Figure since you're so far gone, oceans away,
I can throw my dreams away today.
I miss the words, I love the words, you would say.
I miss the kisses you forever gave away.

There goes the sun, oceans away
And days die young when you're gone and you're gone
There goes the sun, oceans away
And leaves the day for someone else

Honestly I thought that we could make it all the way,
Barefoot on beaches dancing against the gray.
But stone by stone the castle crumbled to the ground,
I stood and stared as you started to fall into the waves.

There goes the sun, oceans away
And days die young when you're gone and you're gone
There goes the sun, oceans away
And leaves the day for someone else

Here's to the man of my dreams.

I take it all in a box and make my way down to the shore,
Throw it in and begin to
leave it to the waves
leave to the waves
leave to the
leave to the
leave to the waves

One Year & One Month













ONE YEAR & ONE MONTH

It's been a long time since I've seen you yet it also feels like yesterday that you waved to me as you hopped in the Neon and drove down Fairway Drive. NEVER would I think you weren't coming back. NEVER would I think that was the last time I'd ever see you. I'm struggling with all of this honey. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused, my life does NOT seem right. I feel so lost without you. What did you do to me? I feel so hopeless, like this will last forever. I don't see any end to this pain I'm in and I don't feel like it will come anytime soon. I want more than anything to be back in your arms. Something about being held by you made everything alright. You were peace for me. I saw something today on TV about a girl who's sister had died. She was explaining her sister and she said, "there was something different about my sister, just something that was......well, just different. Like she didn't belong here (on earth) and it ended up being true, she was too good for here, she belonged up there. When I heard her say that, I couldn't believe it, She said what I felt, but could never put a finger on, you were too good for this earth. I got to be with you for a little bit of your time here. Oh honey, I hurt so bad. I don't know if I can make it sometimes. I never fathomed pain could run this deep. I've been bombarded with YOU the last couple days. On Sunday Mr. Cheeks and I went to church. He told me he prayed to God that he wished you could be here with us still. And he said a few more things about "Uncle -------". After church we went to WalMart and I got the film I dropped off and the CD with pix for -----. I wanted so bad for there to be pix of you on the mystery disposable camera and sure enough, there were two. They were the first ones I turned to! One was of you driving and the other was you standing in some hotel room with your shirt off (cute little white belly) and jeans talking on the phone. I'm pretty sure it was when we went to see your mom in ------. It was the Apple Cup that weekend I remember that. So I kept looking at those pictures over and over - and all I wanted to do was hurry and come home and make ------s photo album for him. Eventually I made the get away from moms and I came back and spent a few hours sorting through all your pictures making your dads photo album. Looking at all those pictures brought back so many memories. Then that night ------ called and told me the FAA finished your report on the wreck and we talked about you for a long time. I read a little bit of it, but I just couldn't do it (read all of it that is). I finally just went to bed because I felt exhausted emotionally having such a day filled with you, you, you. Next morning (yesterday) dad, Mr Cheeks and I went to your moms and I got that Mustang. That's a whole 'nuther story, I feel so awkward accepting a gift so large from your mom. Maybe she's doing it because you would've done it for me - she says I'm all she's got now. I'm so grateful, but it so hasn't hit home yet. What can I say? So we get to your moms house and I was on the verge of tears a million times with most of our conversations. I've already blocked some out I see cuz I can't remember all of them now. And Oscar - just seeing Oscar made me want to cry. He would lean against me .... maybe he knew .... he knew I was a part of you and you were a part of me. He would look at me too and why did I want to cry so bad - something in his eyes. It's a dog, but it was more than that...I know it. Your mom had a collage with a lot of your baby pix - the one you tried to hide from me in your moms camper was up. Made me smile but miss you so bad all at once. Then there was a pic of you and me at Uncle ----- and Aunt -------s. I remember that day too. How uncomfortable I used to feel being around your family when we first started, I wanted them to like me and now I feel like they are my own family and I probably talk to them more than my own. And then your mom had this wall next to her computer full of pix of you & you n me. I spaced off looking at them and thinking about us. Then dad and her talked about your helicopter accident and I pretty much stayed out of it cuz it HURT too bad to even think about you crashing in your helicopter. Oh yeah, then your mom brought out that quilt her friend made for her and it was gorgeous. It had your flight suit with your cougar hat and your jeans. It was too much, I wanted to cry then too. I gave her a few presents with your name on them and it made me want to cry. I don't know, there were just sooo many times I wanted to cry. Oh yeah, just on the way down, driving through ------ and ------- - I hate that - I hate the memories that come up from the time we stayed down in -------. I saw the road you drove down to go to work in --------, then dad stopped at the very store that you and I did when we were down there. I drove by the place we looked at our laptops. I remember driving into ------- talking to you on my cell phone and there you were in your white pickup and I followed you and we both parked on that side street and just hugging you and being so excited to see you. I miss that more than anything in the whole world. I don't know hon - there was just way too many memories. I know I could pick my brain and bring up every little thing that made me think of you but this would be 10 pages long. Mr. Cheeks thought the Jolly Green Giant on the hillside was "Ucnle ------". He liked the song "Bad Day" and we were driving through that same area when you were trying to call Sirius to request it and I was reading you the article about Daniel Powter and how he used to be into drugs. All along the Columbia River...I remember. Then we all went and had lunch/dinner with your dad and I gave him the photo album and I wanted to look at it with him, but as soon as I gave it to him he put it in his truck and I'm glad he did cuz I decided it would've just been another cry I would've had to hold in. Well, the day was exhausting for me and I decided not to cry at all no matter what that I would save it for today cuz today is your day and I just want to fall apart now. I can't explain how out of it I feel. I feel like I'm floating in this world - aimlessly - I have absolutely no direction. I don't know how to put it into words. When I drive I think of how I really feel, but do you think I can remember to put it to words once I finally get to a computer....no. It just seems like I had so much I wanted to write to you today and now I think I'm just so tired and so numb that I can't even think. I get like that sometimes. I'm either real emotional or I just go flat like right now. I can't think. I stare straight ahead. I space off. I don't think. It's like I'm asleep with my eyes open. I don't know the answer. I don't want to talk to anyone about how I feel because look at me, I can't even explain it to you - the one person I could talk to about anything. So how can I be expected to get my point across to anyone else? I don't have faith in myself. Whenever I sometimes do start to say anything to anyone - ----- or ------- usually - or even ------ - I stumble on my words and nothing ever comes out like I think it in my head. So I keep it all bottled in or really I write it to you in an email. Plus I don't want to share my feelings with anyone cuz I don't want them to worry and I certainly don't want anyones sympathy. I don't know if I want this pain either. I don't know if I should pray for God to take the pain away or look at it as a gift, that the more pain I'm givin from God the more he is preparing me for Heaven. I want to suffer so much if that is the case - give me suffering until I die - then I can offer it up. I get confused about what to pray for - they say to feel honored if God tests you with suffering - you are his child. He's putting you to a test, so I want all he can throw me, I will take it all. But sometimes I want it all to end, but then again I don't. If I ever had a normal life full of happiness without you I would feel extremely guilty. I feel like I need to hurt sooooo bad - as an expression of my love for you. The more I loved you, the more I hurt. And then sometimes I feel so selfish when I want you to pleeeeasse come to me in a dream or please help me out. I see your mom and think about ------ and think how can I be so selfish to always want you....maybe or probably they need you more than I do. I am strong - I hurt like hell, but I am strong as hell too. So then I think not to bug you with my whimpering, whining and pleading cuz they need it so much more and you probably hate to see me be like this too. Then I feel guilty cuz I worship you so much and put you on a pedestal and I need to watch out for that cuz it's idolatry. I need to love God and Jesus as much as I love you. Well, I do, but I'm so much more vocal and "i love you' a million times to you versus them. I hurt cuz I can't be with you and I should hurt just as bad cuz I can't be with Jesus. I'm so confused about how to feel and I want to do everything okay so I get into Heaven. I want that so bad. Did I tell you I seriously contemplate giving it all up and going into a convent or being a nun. I don't know what it takes, but I'm so serious, something has changed in my life. Nothing is important to me anymore. It seems like this earth is just some place for me to ride out my time - really. I have no more hopes or dreams. My only hopes and dreams now are to make it to Heaven and to see you. That's it. And that is no joke. Anything else is pointless/worthless. And this is really bad, but it's how I feel. I feel so low right now, like the bottom has fallen out. I can't hurt anymore than what I do now or feel any more depth of pain than what I feel now. The reason I say that is I think about what would happen if I just left here and NEVER talked to any of these friends here or anywhere - basically just left, assumed a new identity and didn't talk to anyone. Just sat next to some pond all day in AZ feeding geese and praying about Heaven and thinking about you. I wouldn't miss anyone and I wouldn't hurt. Then I think what if all my family and your family got in some freak accident and I was left here all by myself. Of course, that is horrific and I don't ever, ever wish that, but I think how would that effect me and I honestly can say that it would just be more tragedy and death to add to my life but I certainly wouldn't feel any deeper pain, hurt, anget, sorrow, etc. than I do now. Bottom line is I am as low as I can go - that is the point I am trying to convey, that I am in pain, not that I want that to happen nor am I testing God or anything like that. Just stuff I think about - basically, can I hurt anymore than I already am? The answer is no, I can't. So I'm not looking to forward to facing more of your memories again all summer. I can't even think about it or I make myself sick (like I felt the last 3 days), so I don't think about it. I do what I'm probably supposed to do and take it one day at a time and only try to make it through tomorrow. Hah, I feel like a bubble ready to burst. Like I'm on the verge of something....I know I won't be living here much longer. I know I won't be working in ------- or on the ------ much longer. I don't know where I'll be but I do know I'd feel much better if I had more money when I moved - more money than now that is. I'll either be in Green Valley working at some library or something or I'll be living with Grandma ---- working in ------ or I'll be living with ------ coaching with ---- or I'll be somewhere being a nun - hell if I know I just feel something big is coming up. And another thing I was thinking as I was driving was the only time I feel good is when I am at church and that is no joke....what the hell is wrong with me that I can't even feel good around my own family. I'm messed up and I don't want to be that messed up. Sure I want to mourn your loss but healthy. I don't want to feel not good all the time, but then again I guess whatever I've got going on can't be turned off n on like a light switch. So I was thinking when am I happy or what makes me happy these days. Well, doing anything that involves you makes me comfortable feeling - indifferent - which is good compared to the usual piece of crap I feel like. So if I am writing you an email, working on your memory of page, your myspace page, looking at your pix, spacing off thinking of you, listening to music that makes me think of you, blah, blah, blah - any of that makes me just content feeling which right now is good and I will take it. What makes me happy though, and it's the only thing I've found is going to church. I actually feel okay, safe, comfortable and happy in church. It lasts an hour but sometimes when I get out it carries over anywhere from 5 minutes to maybe an hour longer, so that is good. It makes me feel so good that I wish I lived closer so I could go everyday - the thing that makes me feel so good is receiving communion cuz I know I am receiving the body and blood of Christ. I know he is in me. That is also why I think about becoming a nun so much, it's all that makes me happy right now....plus I am happiest when I am listening/learning on the Catholic Channel (radio) or EWTN (radio). I like listening to those channels so much that I wish I could drive forever (if gas didn't cost so damn much!!). So anyway all that makes me feel so good, so I need to write Father G and letter and enquire about being a nun. Anyhow, I suppose I will go to be now. I'm sorry I didn't write more about how amazing, and gorgeous, and perfect, and lovely, and beautiful you are. I really meant what I said about the girl talking about her sister and her sister being too good to be here. If you were alive I would tell you right now that I believe you are too good for this earth - you really are - you are in the right place. That's why I always called you my angel sent from above because in my mind you truly were a piece of Heaven - you couldn't have been anything less. I sure miss you. I really do honey. I miss everything about you - I really do look forward to the time when I can see you again. You're a lucky man to be in Heaven and I'm just as lucky to have known you. I love you honey. So, so much. Until we meet again, yours forever & faithfully, Baby Girl xoxoxoxoxoxo

Apr 15, 2007

I Want To Die


All I have to say is this came out in the last day or so.......I can't even read it and it makes me wanna die. I'm sick to my stomach so I will do what I do best, go to sleep and not think about it. I hate life now, I wish I was in there with you.



NTSB Identification: SEA06FA067.
The docket is stored in the Docket Management System (DMS). Please contact Records Management Division
14 CFR Part 133: Rotorcraft Ext. Load
Accident occurred Friday, March 17, 2006 in Dayville, OR
Aircraft: Kaman K-1200, registration: N263KA
Injuries: 1 Fatal.

HISTORY OF FLIGHT

On March 17, 2006, about 0935 Pacific standard time, a Kaman K-1200 helicopter, N263KA, collided with terrain in an uncontrolled descent following a loss of engine power while hovering out of ground effect about 16 nautical miles north of Dayville, Oregon. The commercial pilot, the sole occupant, received fatal injuries, and the helicopter sustained substantial damage. The helicopter was registered to and operated by Grizzly Mountain Aviation Inc. of Prineville, Oregon. Visual meteorological conditions prevailed and no flight plan was filed for the 14 CFR Part 133 flight. The helicopter was being used for long-line logging and operations for the day had commenced about 0700.



Witnesses reported to local authorities that the pilot set down a load of logs and stated on the radio that he was going to reposition the helicopter to land at the service area. At this point, the helicopter was about 300 feet above ground level (agl), hovering, with the 200-foot long line still attached. The witnesses then heard the engine "shutdown." They observed the helicopter descend vertically with the rotors visibly slowing down, nose over to an inverted position, impact the ground inverted, and roll onto its left side. There was no fire.

PERSONNEL INFORMATION

The pilot held a commercial pilot certificate with a helicopter rating. Additionally, he was rated as a private pilot in single engine land airplanes. His most recent medical certificate was a second class medical issued on April 5, 2005, with the limitation, must wear corrective lenses.

According to information provided by Grizzly Mountain Aviation, the pilot had accumulated a total flight time of 4,019 hours of which 3,858 hours were in helicopters and 1,646 hours were in the Kaman K-1200. In the previous 90 days, he had accumulated 267 hours, all in the Kaman K-1200.

Records provided by Kaman Aerospace Corporation indicated that in September 2004, the pilot satisfactorily completed the K-1200 Pilot Familiarization Training Course at the Kaman facility in Bloomfield, Connecticut. The training included 54 hours of ground school and 15 hours of flight instruction.

AIRCRAFT INFORMATION

The 2002 model Kaman K-1200 helicopter, S/N A940033, was powered by one 1,500-horsepower Honeywell T5317A-1 turboshaft engine, S/N LE-81003. At the time of the accident, the helicopter had accumulated 3,193.1 hours of flight time, and the engine had accumulated 6,636.1 operating hours since new and 3,257.4 hours since overhaul.

Review of the engine logbook revealed that an overhauled reduction gear box, P/N 1-030-350-16, S/N 5E003, was installed on January 10, 2005, at engine time since new of 5,813.3 hours. At the time of the accident, the reduction gear box had accumulated 822.8 hours since this overhaul, which was performed by a certified repair station. Review of the work order for the reduction gear box overhaul indicated that overhauled planetary gear shafts with serial numbers (S/Ns) 16336, 16363, and 16449 were installed.

The last major maintenance action performed on the engine was conducted on August 29, 2005, at engine time since new of 6,285.9 hours. The logbook entry for this maintenance indicated the engine was sent to the same repair station that performed the reduction gear box overhaul for "repair of reported low power and high EGT." The entry stated, in part: "Inspected hot section and compressor section, replaced air diffuser, replaced combustion liner, reassembled and functionally tested I/A/W [in accordance with] Honeywell 330.2 and 330.3 manuals." At the time of the accident, the engine had accumulated 350.2 hours since this repair.

Review of the daily maintenance report sheets for the helicopter from February 15, 2006, to the date of the accident revealed no listings of any uncorrected maintenance discrepancies.

WRECKAGE AND IMPACT INFORMATION

An on scene examination of the wreckage was conducted on March 17, 2006, by representatives from the FAA and Kaman Aerospace Corporation. According to information provided by the representatives, the helicopter came to rest inverted with the left side of the nose compartment, top and left sides of the cockpit, top of the transmission rotor shafts, left side of the landing gear boom, and left stabilizer contacting the ground. A circular debris field surrounded the helicopter with the farthest piece of wreckage located about 90 feet from the helicopter. The cargo hook on the helicopter's belly was open with the corresponding end of the long line several feet away. The long line was laid out on the ground aft of the helicopter. The line was intact, and there was no evidence of the line becoming entangled during the accident sequence.

The fuselage remained intact, but was crushed, distorted and broken aft of the landing gear boom. The tail boom remained attached and was distorted. The top 18 inches of the vertical fin were broken off, and the rudder was separated from the vertical fin. The separated section of the vertical fin and the rudder were found within the debris field. All four main rotor blades were broken into sections; all of the sections were accounted for in the debris field. According to the Kaman representative, "the rotor blade sections were in relatively large pieces denoting a slow rotor speed at impact." During examination of the helicopter at the accident site, 80 gallons of fuel were drained from the helicopter's fuel system, and the fuel filter and fuel samples appeared to be clean.

The wreckage was recovered from the accident site and transported to Specialty Aircraft in Redmond, Oregon, where it was further examined by the FAA and Kaman representatives on March 20, 2006. The transmission, rotor shafts and hubs remained together as a single unit, but the unit sustained heavy impact damage. The engine-to-transmission drive shaft was separated into 3 sections. The fracture surfaces on the drive shaft showed no signs of fatigue. Inspection of the engine revealed that the power turbine could be rotated by manually turning the second stage power turbine wheel. When the power turbine was rotated, the engine output adapter attached to the reduction gearbox did not rotate, indicating a mechanical disconnect within the engine. The engine was removed from the helicopter and sent to the facilities of Honeywell in Phoenix, Arizona for further examination.

MEDICAL AND PATHOLOGICAL INFORMATION

An autopsy of the pilot was conducted by the Medical Examiner Division of the Oregon State Police in Clackamas, Oregon. Toxicology tests conducted by the FAA's Toxicology and Accident Research Laboratory were negative for carbon monoxide, cyanide, ethanol and drugs.

TESTS AND RESEARCH

The engine was examined at the Honeywell facilities in Phoenix, Arizona on May 1 and 2, 2006, under the supervision of the NTSB investigator-in-charge (IIC). Disassembly of the engine revealed severe damage to the sun gear shaft (P/N 1-130-192-04, S/N 71037), which coupled the power turbine to the reduction gear box. Specifically, the center section of the sun gear on the forward end of the shaft was completely milled away, well into the gear shaft rim. The three planetary gear shafts (P/N 1-030-193-01, S/Ns 16336, 16363, and 16449) displayed damaged and missing teeth on their aft gears, which mated with the sun gear. There was metal debris adhering to all of the gear shafts. A large amount of metal debris, including pieces that appeared to be fragments of gear teeth, was found in the inlet housing, which covers the reduction gear box.

Each planetary gear shaft was supported at its aft end by a roller bearing, the outer race of which was pressed into a bore in the aft plate of the planetary gear carrier assembly. The aft roller bearing that supported planetary gear shaft S/N 16336 was found missing its cage, and the individual rollers were clustered together, such that a gap without rollers extended approximately 90 degrees around the circumference of the bearing. Pieces of the missing cage were located among the debris in the inlet housing.

The lockcup for the N1 seal and nut assembly, located on the forward end of the N1 compressor turbine shaft, was found disengaged, and the nut assembly had backed off of the threads on the compressor shaft. There was evidence of heavy rotational contact between the forward side of the nut assembly and the aft face of the #21 roller bearing. The #21 roller bearing, which supports the N2 power turbine shaft, was severely damaged. Specifically, the rollers were worn to a shape that locked them in their cage, which prevented them from rotating. The damaged bearing had allowed the N2 power turbine shaft to contact and rub the inside of the N1 compressor turbine shaft. (The N1 shaft is hollow, and the N2 shaft is housed within it.)

At the request of the NTSB IIC, Honeywell performed materials and engineering analysis on multiple components from the engine. These components included the sun gear shaft, the three planetary gear shafts, their bearings, the planetary gear carrier assembly, the N1 seal and nut assembly, its lockcup, and the #21 roller bearing. The findings of the materials and engineering analysis were, in part:
1. The aft shoulder of the outer race on the aft roller bearing that supported planetary gear shaft S/N 16336 exhibited four half moon shaped indentations, consistent with the spacing of four adjacent rollers installed in the bearing cage. The indentations were indicative of alignment-related assembly damage.
2. Examination of the corresponding bore in the aft plate of the planetary gear carrier assembly revealed a series of axial drag marks from a reluctant assembly of the aft roller bearing into the bore. These axial marks were overlaid by circumferential marks due to rotation of the bearing within the bore during operation, indicating that the axial marks were made during installation, not during disassembly.
3. Planetary gear shaft S/N 16336 exhibited fatigue separations on several of the aft gear teeth that mated with the sun gear. The case depth, case hardness, and core hardness of the planetary gear teeth were as specified.
4. Examination of the lockcup for the N1 seal and nut assembly revealed evidence that the lockcup was not properly engaged into the nut assembly. Specifically, five of the available six areas on the lockcup were crimped; however, the crimps were all notably shallow.

On the basis of the materials and engineering analysis, Honeywell developed the following chain of events leading to excessive wear of the sun gear shaft:
1. The aft roller bearing that supported planetary gear shaft S/N 16336 was improperly assembled, resulting in damage to the bearing.
2. Operation of the aft bearing with the shoulder damage at a spacing identical to four adjacent roller pockets resulted in the rollers pounding the cage pockets, eventually fatiguing and breaking the cage cross-webs. After the cross-webs all separated from the cage rings, the rollers all clustered together, resulting in an approximately 90 degree gap without rollers.
3. The gap without rollers induced a periodic high misalignment in planetary gear shaft S/N 16336 each time the gap passed through the load zone. This action led to fatigue failures to the teeth of the planetary gear and an increase in vibration.
4. Engine vibration from the failing planetary gear train along with the improperly crimped N1 seal and nut assembly lockcup loosened the nut. The nut then backed off and jammed into the #21 bearing.
5. Contact between the N1 seal and nut assembly and the #21 bearing led to sliding of the bearing's rollers resulting in excessive wear to the rollers. Radial wear continued in the bearing, eventually allowing the N2 shaft to make contact with the inside of the N1 shaft.
6. Rubbing of the shafts produced further misalignment in the planetary gear train leading to high tooth loading in the sun gear shaft, which resulted in stripping and separation of gear teeth and loss of transmitted torque through the reduction gear carrier assembly.

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION

The wreckage was released to a representative of the owner on December 6, 2006.