Pain

I don't even know what I feel anymore. I feel a pit in my stomach all the time. I feel on the verge of tears all the time. I feel like crying for no known reason (besides the fact that you're dead). I feel mean and angry all the time. I really don't want to start work - did I tell you in the last email that ------ had asked me to go to the helicopter psd/helitorch class and I said no thanks (yeah, I did tell you that). Well, ----- called last night and it came up and he said as long as you aren't just saying that to get out of it and I'll give you this year grace period but after that....

That kind of shit pisses me off, that is the attitude of everyone I work with. That's what I feel. They all think I should be rushing back into all this crap with arms wide open, when I feel completely opposite. I want to run away. I hate how everyone who makes all the decisions (big wigs) thinks I should be all happy now. It makes me soooo pissed and angry. I honestly think about quitting - I really do. I need to look at my finances and what would I do...more like, where would I move? I might talk to --- - maybe I could work for him. Crap, I don't know.

I can't stop thinking of you. Well it goes like this, a memory of you or us pops into my head, I get a sharp pit in my stomach, so I suppress the memory and keep doing what I was doing and then it happens again and again and again and again. I don't know how I am making it. I hurt, I am empty, I am lost. I feel like a zombie who wants absolutely nothing to do with this life. I want no part of living in this world. At this point I don't even care if I die and see you, all I want right now is just to die - just escape this reality. I want this pain to go away. I just want to die and never feel again, that's it. If you are there to meet me it's a bonus. All that matters to me right now is escaping all of this pain. I don't know how I can keep going on and I certainly don't know how I've made it this far. I pray to God and give Him credit, but sometimes I don't even have my faith. It's like everything disappears - my faith, my hope, just everything. God, honey I miss you so much. I miss your love and what we shared. I would give anything to rewind back in time and just be with you again. I don't know what to do now, I'm so lost without you. I want to give up. What's the point in anything, what's the point in living. I see no point in anything - why exist? I don't know what to do, I am soo lost without you. What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to turn?

Life sucks, just cuz I exist and live on this earth doesn't mean I need to appreciate it or even want it. I never asked to live. I am pissed. I am miserable. I am angry. I am hurt. I am dead. I wish I was for real. Yeah, I know it's Lent and I gave up talking about being dead or being sorrowful, but I'm at the end of my wits. I hurt all the time, I had to get it out, it was so painful keeping it in. Who knows if this will even help - probably not. God, I keep having flashbacks and images of you and me, even as I type this. I just had one of you and me driving out to our property. Why did He have to take you? Why? Why? Why?

Gonna go now - I hurt. I love you more than anything in this whole world - I want you back honey - please, I'd give anything. Pleeeeaaaasssseee come back for me.

Missing You So Much

i've just been thinking about you a lot lately honey. coming home from my trip/vacation was weird cuz at least when i was on the road and in a different area i didn't expect to see you...i wanted to, but i knew i wouldn't see you down there (just like i was thinking like u were alive), but as soon as i started getting closer to home (within a 100 mile radius), i started looking in cars/pickups like yours and thinking that i'd be coming home to you and i'd be able to see you. it was a weird feeling. instead i walked into a cold empty house with spider webs in it. i've just been missing you a lot. i really have no zest for life without you. i just went on this big ol trip and i have no one to share it with. i wanted you with me the whole time so we could share in the laughter and beauty of it all. now i'm back - all alone - quiet - a world without you is a lonely one. i start work Monday and i am soooooooooooooooooo dreading it. i'm done with this kind of work honey, i can't fathom another summer being around helicopters and in an environment that i met you. i'm gonna have to really try hard but this is honestly the worst feeling i've ever had about going to a job. i really am dreading this. i hate helicopters so much now (well not now - i've always hated them) but it seems worse than ever. i feel like i'm going to puke or cry when i see or hear them. i certainly don't want to work around them. fockers at work don't understand either. they only want to use me to meet their objectives - they have no concern how any of it effects me. in order to not let them down i will leave at the end of this year and do something else. right now i don't care what it is. i think about becoming a nun (i need to write father g and see what that entails), i think about just renting some cheap ass dive anywhere and getting a minimum wage job and chillin for the rest of my life, i think about hopefully getting a coaching job with dee, i think about maybe the fuels job with lisa in ---- will fall through. what is certain is that i won't be back here. i can't handle it. yeah, i'm a whoos - oh well - let it bother everyone else...it doesn't me...i don't give a ____. not anymore, i think life sucks and i just want to read and chill. i don't even want to work. i don't care about my future. i don't care about money. i don't care about happiness (cuz it's unobtainable now - i will only achieve 100% pure happiness in heaven). in the meantime i will pray for time to drag on soooo slow before my misery begins on monday. right now i just want to split. take any job in the whole wide world. right now i would rather work at mcdonalds then here...that is no joke. i am not looking forward to this year.

while i was down in boise ---- saw a picture of rob, the guy i sky dived with. she asked ----- if he was single, he said yeah, and she said, why don't you hook him up with renee, i said no way, i don't ever want to be with anyone ever again - i told her you were "the one". she says, "oh you say that now, but in the future .... " in the future what? i'll want someone else? whatever. people really don't understand how much i love you and how connected we really are. i feel you - not always, but i know you are there with me. you are helping me and you are guiding me to do ..... whatever ...... until the day we are together again. i have a feeling you know my plan and you are watching down on me. i want only you forever and i'm cool with that, i just wish other people could accept that. also the other day ------ called and asked if i would go to the helitorch/psd recert class...hah....wtf....do people not get it. see, that's what i mean, they think i should just be all skippy flippy to work with frickin helicopters again. like it's been a year and it all just went away and i just love them and i would take great pleasure in hopping in one of those machines that killed the one person i was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. screw that. i only want to get in a helicopter so it can crash and kill me too. other than that all they do is make me think of you, how you died, what i've lost, what you went through, i visualize it...basically i make myself sick. so yeah, work i'd love to ride all day in a frickin helicopter and suffer in hell. please let me work with helicopters all summer...could you do that? please oh please. would you be so kind. frickin work - i hate em - they are all insensative. damn, i need a new job! well i guess i'll go to bed now. i'm sleeping in your bed again and it feels good, i slept like a rock last night. the sheets still smell like you, so it's like i'm kinda with you again. damn i can't wait for us to be together. i miss you so, so, so, so much honey. i really do. i so look fwd to the day when i can be with you again. i can't wait to get to heaven. we will be together forever than. you are my one and only hon. to you and only you do i give my love. that's forever, until i die. love you my k-dub, you're the best thing that ever happened to me....love you, love you, love you - hugs n kisses beautiful

Flower Garden

Beautiful Heart

Beautiful Heart

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley.

A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.

Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said, “Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine.” The crowd and the young man looked at the old man’s heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn’t fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing. The people stared — how can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought?

The young man looked at the old man’s heart and saw its state and laughed. “You must be joking,” he said. “Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears.” “Yes,” said the old man, “yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren’t exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared.

Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn’t returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges — giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?”

The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man’s heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges. The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man’s heart flowed into his. They embraced and walked away side by side.

Lonely

What i know from this trip I'm on: Lonely doesn't go away being busy or being around people. Everything I've done on this trip makes me miss you more. You should be here. I feel like I'm running to you but I can never catch you or find you. It doesn't matter what I do - I will ALWAYS miss you. I can't wait until I make it to Heaven...I just NEED to be with you - that will never go away!!
Love you for all eternity. DAMMIT - why'd you havta leave???? Life sucks without you...bottom line.
Love ya forever hunny bunny - your baby girl, chicky poo.

Roses For You

The person who did this was Jack Benny...

Each year he sent her roses,
and the note would always say,
I love you even more this year,
than last year on this day.
My love for you will always grow,
with every passing year."

She knew this was the last time
that the roses would appear.
She thought, he ordered roses
in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know,
that he would pass away.

He always liked to do things early,
way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy,
everything would work out fine.
She trimmed the stems and
placed them in a very special vase.

Then, sat the vase beside
the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours,
In her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture,
and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was
to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude,
that had become her fate.

Then, the very hour,
The doorbell rang, and there
were roses sitting by her door.

She brought the roses in,
and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone,
to call the florist shop.

The owner answered, and she asked him,
if he would explain, Why would someone would
do this to her, causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away,
more than a year ago,"
The owner said,
"I knew you'd call, and you would want to know.

The flowers you received today,
were paid for in advance.
Your husband always planned ahead,
he left nothing to chance.

There is a standing order,
that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance,
you'll get them every year.

There also is another thing,
that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...he did this years

ago. Then, should ever I find out that he's no longer
here,
that's the card that should be sent to you the following
year."

She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now
flowing
hard.
Her fingers shaking,
as she slowly reached to get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he
had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence,

this is what he wrote...

"Hello my love, I know it's been a year
since I've been gone.
I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to
overcome.
I know it must be lonely,
and the pain is very real.
Or if it was the other way,
I know how I would feel.

The love we shared made everything
so beautiful in life.

I loved you more than words can say,
you were the perfect wife.
You were my friend and lover,
you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year,
but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy,
even when you shed your tears.

That is why the roses will be sent to you for years.
When you get these roses,
think of all the happiness that we had together,
and how both of us were blessed.

I have always loved you and
I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on,
you have some living still.

Please...try to find happiness,
while living out your days.
I know it is not easy,
but I hope you find some ways.

The roses will come every year,
and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered,
when the florist stops to knock.

He will come five times that day,
in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit,
he will know without a doubt!
To take the roses to the place,
where I've instructed him
and place the roses where we are,
together once again.

Green Valley

hey hon, i'm in green valley now...so the last time i was here was on a fire....well besides driving through with --- and grandma ----. i remember missing you sooooo much and a.g. was on this fire....he's a brad pitt look a like and i thought to myself, 'this is a test i passed' cuz we coulda hookt up if we wanted to, we talked a lot and worked together a lot cuz he was my trainee, i thought he was hot, but i talked about you a lot cuz i wanted to make sure he knew i loved u soo much. so there i was with a brad pitt look a like and all i could think about was you and all i wanted was you and you were all that mattered...even though ag was cute, i couldn't wait to talk to you every night and get home to see you....that right there...i knew, that's some love right there!! also remember when you went out and drank too much and never called me back and i was soooo worried cuz i thought you wrecked your helicopter and were dead...and i got so upset (not mad) just upset cuz i was so scared. it wasn't really a fight, but i guess you could classify that as our first/one n only fight cuz i was crying i was so scared something happened to you and you drank too much so that made it worse. that's the only time u ever drank too much and remember i texted you and said if that's the type of person you want to be i don't want any part of it. you said back - "if u ever left me, i would die". wtf. how ironic. never in a million years would i leave you. i was just upset and scared. i didn't want to marry an alcoholic - not that you were even close, but i just didn't want to be involved with a drinker - nawmeen. anyway here u are talking about you dying if i ever left and here you've left me and i feel like i am dying. so here i am, the same spot that we had our first misunderstanding (which was nothing - and we worked it out quickly) i would give anything to rewind to that day - to that time.... we could be together again. i just miss you so much and i would give it all to see or be with you again. all the time we spent together, what does it mean? nothing. it's like 3 years of my life was a dream, like it never happened, it was all for nothing....really, 3 years and what came from it? nothing. it's like it never happened, it for realz feels like a dream sometime. i will never talk to you on a phone again, i will never see your face again, i will never get to sleep next to you again, i will never be able to cuddle with you again, we will never laugh again, we will never hug each other good bye again or hug each other hello again, we will never gaze into each others eyes again. there are so many nevers. and so many things we did that don't carry anything over now except painful memories. for realz, it's like 3 wasted years that i spent giving all of me, all of my love and i gave all of me away and for what. look at me, what is there to show for it? seriously. there is nothing!!! nothing left but an empty shell. that's what's left of me. that's all i have to show for what we shared. i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate it all i hate it all i hate it all i hate it all....hate hate hate hate hate hate hate whats been done to me hate hate hate so i'm gotta send this before i get kicked off my internet connection....this sucks!! hey, i do love you more than anything and i miss you more than anything ever....love you more than my own life...i'd give it up for you. love you forever - no doubt!! xoxox

Dream

hey there hon...first and foremost i love you more than anything. i'm in wickenburg, AZ right now. sittin in the parking lot of mcdonalds...haha, someplace i would never eat. but it's a good place to write you a letter. i slept at some rest stop last night outside of kingman. i had a dream about you. i was at work and i came over the top of this hill and your helicopter was there, wrecked. I ran up in a panic and i saw you in the back of the kmax on a hospital stretcher. your eyes were closed and all i could see of your body was your face cuz you had a white sheet draped over you. i wasn't sure if you were dead or not. I said "--------?" but right when i said your name a head rolled out by my feet and it was ----- in dispatch. he said help me and i went around the front of the helicopter and saw his body but only his head was on it now. so i started to try to help him...pretty soon he seemed okay and i was trying to call cda dispatch so they could send help for you in case u were still alive, but the radios kept doing the crappy thing that they always do to me in the summer, they kept cutting out. so everytime i would say cda dispatch, this is ---------, it would cut out...then dispatch said, station calling standby, but i got on and said this is an emergency, but it kept cutting out and they couldn't hear me. ------- kept saying i'm glad you're here, i would've never known what to have done. i never saw you again after the initial first time, but then again i never looked in the back of the helicopter again. i was just more concerned with getting you help and fast...i was getting really scared, pissed and discouraged cuz no one would talk to me and no one would help me. so that's my dream. i better go, i'm trying to get to green valley or patagonia while the day is hot so i can get a tan. i love u with all my heart and some day we will be together. i'm eternally yours and i can't wait to see you - my angel sent from above. i love you sooooooo much!!!

Your Angel Date

About today, I'm sorry things didn't work out - I'm here and you are there - I tried. I'm sorry you left that day a year and one day ago, I'm sorry I didn't say the right words to make you not fly that one last time....but then again I never knew you were going to die on me. I better go....I love you forever honey......I mean it - FOREVER. Your baby girl xoxox

Big Sigh

Big sigh, I did it honey. I went skydiving, it all seemed like a blur to me and it went so fast. It’s almost like I didn’t even do it. I wasn’t even scared. I just did it, the thing that made me sick was thinking of you. My guts hurt all day and when I landed my legs were shaking. They’re still shaking. I haven’t eaten anything all day. It’s sooo weird, this is certainly surreal. It’s so crazy, it feels like yesterday. It feels awkward. I feel like screaming. I feel like crying. I feel like dying. I feel like being alone. I am tired of this. I’m tired of running around like this, pretending it’s okay and doing all these things without you. I’m tired of just being all alone. I waited my whole life for you. You are irreplaceable. I’m just tired….period. What am I doing? Really….what am I doing? Most people would sky dive and write a book about it. How they felt, how crazy it was, how fun it was and I don’t know what to say, but I wanted to do it for some reason, I did it, I was numb the whole time, I finished and I felt nothing. No rush, just weirdness. It was weird. Now I wonder why I even did it. I don’t know what I expected from it, but I didn’t expect to feel blank. I wanted to feel close to you. Maybe I was close to you and that’s why it was so numb? Hell if I know.
I’m here at Robby’s and all these people are here and I am a pathetic, lonesome loser. They all went to the club and I’m just sitting here all alone at his house writing this. I want to go out with them and have a good time, but I’m just drained, I feel dead inside. Like I want to just sleep it all away. I feel so overwhelmed that I'm numb. Phone call - hold up. That's Jeremy so I guess he's coming into Boise (from Nampa) so I guess I'm going out whether I want to or not.
I miss you honey. Somethings missing in my life now and it is you. I feel like I'll never be the same neither will life. Either way I love you and what we shared. You're the most amazing person I've ever met and ever will - until we meet again. Love you for all eternity, your Baby Girl xoxoxo

ONE YEAR

hey hon. well, here i am missing you horribly. missing you so much it gives me a pit in my stomach. i want to see you soooooooo bad. i miss you soooooooo bad. i feel like i need you next to me now more than ever. i always miss you and think of you but for some reason (maybe your one year) i can't stand not being with you. all of the sudden a new emptiness has come over me, a new deeper pain and even though i have been surrounded by great, caring friends for weeks now, i have an emptiness that is so hollow. what more can i do, i have traveled all over the west and seen some very beautiful country, i have spent time with some of the most caring people ever, i have had great talks with numerous friends - talks i could never have before, so i haven't been shoving you down for a change. how could anyones life be better? i have it all and i am so lucky, yet i am missing the one thing that makes me complete - YOU. i feel like i really don't want to go on. before it was just me in my house and i didn't want to go on, but now i've done everything cool and fun that i could imagine and it still hasn't changed how i feel about life, it hasn't made anything better and i realize it makes no difference what i do, you aren't there and it's not enjoyable or a better word, fulfulling. so this trip has been discouraging in that way. it makes me feel even more hopeless. i thought maybe before if i was around people and busy doing things it would be better, but i've found out that is not the case and i really feel hopeless now. if this can't make the pain, emptiness and loneliness go away, what will? there goes a helicopter flying overhead....you should be here, i miss you. i wonder what it will take for me to want life to go on without you - or look forward to it because life does go on without you, regardless. it's just that's there's nothing of any meaning in it right now. how can i be so lonely when i have so much? jimmy told me as i was driving through arcata that you guys had a conversation - if anything should ever happen to you, you wanted me to be happy, if that met going on and meeting someone else, that's what you wanted. hmm, i don't know what to think. if i died the selfish me would want you to love me and only me forever. i would never want you to love anyone else as long as you lived. i guess i don't see if you loved me and we were supposed to be together forever, how could you love someone else again? it's the same way i look at it. i love you. i can't love anyone else. so me meeting and falling in love with someone else seems impossible. for you to have said that to jimmy you must have thought it was possible to love again after our love?? maybe. i'm not going to read too much into it. i would certainly want you to be happy again - so happy, but i wouldn't want you to be with anyone else again. maybe my thoughts on that will change as time goes on but i couldn't imagine you being able to love anyone more than me. we loved each other soooooooo much - i know you loved me as much as i loved you. so i know you wouldn't be able to love again if i would've died. just like i can't love again. i'm hopelessly in love with you. i don't care that you are dead, i don't care that you are in heaven. i will see you again - there is no doubt. ugh, it sickens me to think i would/could marry someone else...ugh, what if i died and went to heaven and you were there and then the other guy died and he was there. i know heaven is all loving and you love everyone equal, but i hold out hope that heaven can be like "what dreams may come" that we will be reunited with our mate and can live in eternal happiness, love and bliss. sure we will all love each other equal, but if there was another guy in the mix....that messes it all up. you are the one i want to be with forever. you are the one i am holding out for. you are so perfect and to me it is so worth it. i won't ruin it by trying to find another love. i really don't want to. so when jimmy said to be happy, no matter what it takes and if it means finding someone else than that's okay too. well, i can be happy without a man. another man will not replace you or give me the happiness that you gave to me. i will just have to live the rest of my life being as happy as i can....i can't seem to find our happiness, but that's okay. i can go through these motions because i know the heaven that awaits me. i would go through hell on earth if i knew you were at the end. honey, it's been one year without you and i'm ready to burst into tears because i miss you so much. it hurts me now as much as it did then. i wish it was back then because at least i could be a zombie and not even know what the hells going on. it's kind of real now, even though i sometimes feel like this still isn't real. it's really a bad dream and i will be somewhere and you will just show up. i really think that sometime. most of the time i feel so distached to my body and from this life. i feel really weird just being someone who is floating around in la-la land. i feel like where am i and what am i doing here. i feel so outta place. like i really don't belong here. sometimes i feel like i'm only here for a little while longer and soon god will take me and i will be in heaven and we will be together again. why is it such a strong feeling that we all will be together again. i have visions of you, me, the kids and sometimes your mom. like we will all be together again and i shouldn't worry about a thing here on earth. just do what needs to be done and it will all work out. i no longer care about anything. i don't care about work or what i do in my life, i guess i feel like as long as i fulfill my time here on earth with a bunch of fill that my time will come and it will be our time. we will be together. it's just that i really can't wait. you were so perfect, so, so perfect. i miss everything you did so much. i can still feel your hair and your cheeks. i can feel me touching your face, your head, i can feel the love that just radiated out of me as i looked at you. it was never ending, i still have it, i'm just saving it for you... when i see you again, there will be so much love pouring out of me it will light the sky....people on earth will think there's another sun....haha. :) i guess i really don't know what else to say, i feel like i should say so much and i feel so much and this is your year letter and it should be some amazing work of art, but it is what it is. i'll write you about my trip in another email. this one is mainly to let you know that i am still so madly, deeply in love with you - even after a year. nothing has changed as far as my love, it is no less. i will be faithful to you and we will be together again. i know that, i can feel it. i'm sure you can too. i will end this and i pray you know or can feel the love that i have for you that burns inside of me. it is patiently waiting...but it is there and it is so big. i love you honey, i've loved you since day one. i am so thankful for what we shared and i'm so thankful i will have you when i get to heaven. love you always, always, always. your baby girl through all eternity. xoxoxoxo

Angel Date

Your Angel Date / Your Baby Girl We all build internal sea walls to keep at bay the sadness of life and the often overwhelming forces within our minds. In whatever way we do this - through love, work, family, faith, friends, denial, alcohol, drugs, or medication - we build these walls, stone by stone, over a lifetime. One of the most difficult problems is to construct these barriers of such a height and strength that one has a true harbor, a sanctuary away from the crippling turmoil and pain, but yet low enough, and permeable enough, to let in fresh sea water that will fend off the inevitable inclination toward brackishness. Love is, to me, the ultimately more extraordinary part of the breakwater wall: it helps to shut out the terror and awfulness, while, at the same time, allowing in life and beauty and vitality. Love is a sustainer, a renewer, and a protector. Love makes the inherent sadness of life bearable, and its beauty manifest. It provides not only a cloak, but lantern for the darker seasons and grimmer weather. With your death in my heart, it is my hope, that someday we'll be re-united, our love will return in Heaven, in all it's glory and fullness. I have abandoned the notion of a life without storms, or a world without dry seasons. Life is too complicated, too constantly changing, to be anything but what it is. There will always be propelling, disturbing elements and they will be there until "the watch is taken from the wrist". If given the choice to have met you or not. The answer would be yes, I would do it all again. It's complicated. This sadness, emptiness, depression is awful beyond words. I would not want to go through this again. It stresses relationships, there is an inability to enjoy life, to walk or talk or think normally, the exhaustion, the sleepless nights and the intrusive memories, whether you want them or not. There is nothing good to be said for this. This is what it must feel like to be old and sick, to be dying; to be slow of mind; to have no belief in the possibilities of life, the pleasures of sex, the exquisiteness of music or the ability to make yourself and others laugh. Others may imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job or broke up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. This void I have has no feelings. Instead it is flat, hollow and unendurable. It is also tiresome. It's hard to be around people when you are depressed. I'm irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding. No reassurance is never enough. I'm frightened and I'm not at all like myself, but supposedly I will be soon, but I know I won't. I'll never be myself again. So why would I want anything to do with this loss? You opened my eyes to love, life and so many more things. Because of you I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and been more loved; laughed more often and even cried tears of joy, happiness, and love; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters; appreciated life more; because of you I've experienced caring and loyalty at its deepest level; I've seen the finest in people, I've seen the breadth and depth and width of my mind and heart and seen how frail they both are, and how ultimately unknowable they both are. Devastated, I have crawled on my hands and knees after your death and felt the depths of a hell that can only be the equivicable opposite of the love that I have for you. It has tested the limits of my mind and the limits of my faith. This has brought into my life a different level of faith, feeling and thinking. Even when I have been at my lowest I have been aware of finding new corners in my mind and heart. Some of those corners held you, they were incredible and beautiful and took my breath away and made me feel as though I could die right then and the images of you and your love would sustain me. I can't imagine becoming jaded to life because I know of those limitless corners with their limitless views. So although you aren't physically with me today, if I reach deeply into those corners, there you are in all your beauty. And if just for a moment I experience a short reprise from this lonliness, it takes me somewhere so heavenly, I know I'm with you even if only for a moment. With that being said, today is for you. I'm unsure if I would ever do this if you were here today, but today I will sky dive. All year I have said no to the opportunity, but suddenly one day this spring it hit me, something in my head said, yes, this is it, this is what you must do on Kennys day. I never knew what I wanted or needed to do on your day, but on that day it all became clear. By doing this I feel I will be as close to Heaven as I can physically be by being up in a plane, as I jump I will be the freest that I can be, and finally, if things don't go well, at least our passing will be somewhat similar. So in 3 hours I will be up in the clouds with you and I know you will be with me. So fly with me today Kdub, we'll have a blast!! I love you for all eternity. You are my one and only forever - until we meet again. Your Babygirl (big hugs n kisses!!!)

It's Raining Gumdrops

When talking with most people, I have discovered it is often best to keep quiet about some details of my loss, such as the fact it happened at all. Given that my love for the departed (as well as the loss of him) is such a big part of who I am, it is almost impossible not to mention, at some point. But I think it best not to, and those of you who are dealing with the loss of someone close will likely empathize with the reason why.

When it comes out that my fiance died, people are instantly different with me. They get awkward and uncomfortable, and invariably look like they want to flee in the opposite direction, as if I have the plague.

Now I would understand this reaction were I all weepy and maudlin, but it should be apparent from my actions that I try to have a sense of humor about life & death, and am neither morose nor needy. I don't bring it up spontaneously or foist it on people, I just try to explain that aspect of my life in whichever context is appropriate, when it comes up. Seems reasonable, but still, people behave as if the death of someone close is something contagious, something that might get on them if they get too close to it. (It stains, you know.)

So, I just need to come up with a cover story to explain my moodiness, my celibacy, the origin of one of my tattoos, and why I get a far away look in my eyes sometimes, for no apparent reason. I think it will involve a mysterious history as a sniper (I always wanted to be a sniper, but I never actually wanted to kill the people, just sneak up on them and shoot them). If my background is going to be a lie, may as well go big, eh?

And maybe I will also tell people I come from a happy land where gumdrops rain from the sky, everyone is happy all the time, and no one ever, ever dies. You and I know it's a lie, but that's what people seem to want to believe...

Come Again

I was a loner cruisin with the wind
I wasn't looking when you pulled me in
I had to leave you, like I always did
you knew damn well I'd come again
Now I'm falling, where I've never been
my resistance is wearing thin
somewhere in the distance
like a long lost friend
lord here I come again
It's been so long since I've seen you girl
swear I've been around the world
every room is an empty space
in the darkness I see your face
I wasn't looking when you pulled me in
lord here I come again
come again, come again, i say lord

Welcome To My Life

Explain how this gets harder and harder as time goes on. I really don't know how people just don't cave in to this pain. I really don't understand how this could ever get better...hey, I'm all for it. I'm all for being genuinely happy again, laughing deep and smiling big. And really meaning it. I've never been so lonely. I could be talking with people or in a room packed full of people and I'm still lonely. Nothing feels right anymore, this life is so surreal. None of this can be happening. I'm in such a fog, I still feel like I'll wake up and I'll be in Heaven or something. This just can't be real. How am I supposed to move forward when I can't even get my bearing. I feel dizzy, like I'm spinning in circles and I have no clue where I am or even which way to turn. I look around this world and all I see is deciept, lies, death, corruption, evil, war, dysfunction. Honey, I think you took my glasses that only saw good, because I see no good anywhere. Not in this world and not in my life. I really don't know how this world will ever be the same to me. I can honestly say when you died you took a piece of me with you. You've left a shell of what used to be. I do try so hard to be social and smile, but it's all a big front. All I want to do is anything that doesn't involve people. I feel like I'm a member of some special club, where the only criteria is someone close to you died. Honest to God, if it hasn't happened to you, you have NO clue. No clue to the depth of the pain. No clue to the daily struggle just to function. That's what makes this so hard. I'm a silent sufferer with no one to turn to. This has not happened to anyone close to me. Isn't funny how the people I talk to the most are people it's happened to and it's on the internet. It's like we're some outcast group in society. A group no one wants to understand. A group that's left to their own to fight, claw and survive. Yes, we are silent sufferers with no one to talk to. What good does it do to talk to someone across the United States about your pain. They're not your boss, they're not your best friend, they're not your family, they're not your co-workers, they're not the friends you hang out with, they're not the very people you need to understand you the most. Yeah, I talk to them because they can relate, they experience the same sick, twisted pain that I feel day in and day out. They understand my battle and my fight to "make it" everyday and I understand theirs. What's most painful is very few if any people around us understand and yet we are expected to act the same as life was before. People don't understand that life is gone, that person is gone. They think you should be the same happy go lucky person they knew a year ago. Why can't they just understand when you connect with someone, your very being connects and when you lose that special someone they take that part of you away, leaving an empty shell. Leaving a person who must relearn everything. Everything is new, experiences are new, social interactions are new, waking up every morning is new. I am a new person in a new world. I must relearn how this me, this brand new person, is going to interact in this world without you. I have been stripped of every ounce of truth I ever had. No longer do I believe in tomorrows; for me, my family or friends. I expect people to die any time now. No longer do I believe in dreams. "Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain." I lost my only dream since I was a little girl. I had dreams of marrying a prince, we would raise a family together, we would build our dream house together, we would have a beautiful little wedding in a cute church, we would honeymoon in Caribbean, we would grow old together into our 80's and 90's - holding hands 'til the end. I dreamed of an everlasting love that everyone looked up to, a love that everyone would emulate, a love in which people would look at us and say that's how to do it. To be partaking in those dreams and one month from the rest of those dreams and then to lose them in a blink of an eye...one phone call. That is what it means to lose every ounce of truth. Nothing is certain in my life anymore. I question everything now, is this even important to me anymore? I look at my job, why even do it? I look at my friends, is that someone I want to waste my precious time with? I look at everything as expendable. I believe if I have lost the one true thing that I NEVER thought I'd lose what does that say for everything else in my life. If something I thought was so certain can be gone in a blink of an eye, then so can the rest of it. I've lost all faith. I hang by a thread to my faith in the Lord and that thread is the ONLY thing that gets me through each day. If I had no faith in the Lord I would've left this earth as soon as I heard you were gone. What's so terrible to me is the possibility that I may not see you again for years and years and years. I have faith that I will see you again, but if it's 30-60 yrs from now, that is way too long. That will more than likely be my life expectancy. It may sound horrible to some, but it is my wish that I be taken from this earth as soon as possible. I am having a horrible time adjusting to the new me (that's not even a me I like) and this new world. I'm so lost, I leave for my trip tomorrow and what I'm looking forward to the most is the solitude in my car just driving, thinking and listening to music. If I feel like stopping to take a break or pictures I can and if I want to sleep in my car I will and if I want to stop I will....no time line, no pressures. The worst part of this trip is the commitment to all the people that want to see me. Ugh, maybe they're just concerned and I know once I visit with them I will be glad I did. But part of me can't help but think, if they are so concerned about me, why don't they call, why don't they email, why don't they light a candle or two for you, why don't they visit me! No one ever visits me...well, I take that back, I have a few "friends" that have visited me and for that I am thankful. Grateful. They are my true friends. So I leave tomorrow and I am just regretting all of it. I'll be glad when I'm back home and I can sleep in my own bed (our bed) and sit right here night after night writing you letters. Yeah, I'm a f**in' nut job :) but I don't care. I only care about you and being with you again, besides that, nothing else in this life matters. So with that being said, here's a song for ya - Welcome To My Life....but before I go, I love you more than than life itself and I miss you more than words can say. So, so much. I also get so tired of writing "I love you & I miss you" to you everyday, at least 3 times a day. I guess I don't get tired of it, I get tired of my lack of vocabulary...I say the same sh*t everyday, at least when you were here I could show you everyday by doing different little things. Just telling you the same words everyday makes me feel like it's not enough and that I don't like! But I'll say it again anyway, I love you tremendously and miss you!! Love always, your baby girl

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels alright
You don’t know what it’s like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
But deep inside you’re bleeding

No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels alright
You don’t know what it’s like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like

Welcome to my life

You might think I’m happy
But I’m not gonna be ok
You don’t know what it’s like
What it’s like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like

Welcome to my life

Joe Black

I watched some African American Awards and Bill Cosby when offered a lifetime achievement award told the following story about this friend, Joe Black:

"His name was Joe Black and he was my friend". Joe Black was a pitcher for the Brooklyn Dodgers who was later in his life suffering from prostate cancer. He was in a Phoenix hospital and Bill would call often to check in. Joe was on morphine and would hallucinate a lot, but he was still sharp, even on the morphine. Bill would often joke with him to keep things light.

Said Bill, "I'm at your house digging up your backyard looking for your money, dug all around apple tree and still can't find it." Joe said back, "Wrong house." Another time Bill said, "I'm at the grocery store here in Phoenix, all these sad women are in the aisles crying wondering when they're gonna see ya again, what do i tell them." Joe said to Bill, "Give them all a loaf a bread and i'll be over with the peanut butter later."

Bill called Joe one day - didn't know it was the day before he was going to pass and Joe says to Bill, "I need ya"

Bill, "What do you need me for?"

Joe, "I need you on hot corner."

Bill explained to the audience that hot corner is third base - where balls come at you the fastest.

Bill, "Well Joe, I always played second base, where the balls didn't come so fast and when they did I always turned my head."

Joe, "I need you on hot corner, the bases are drunk and i got two balls and no strikes on this guy."

Bill, "Okay Joe, I'll play hot corner and whatever's coming, I'll look it in."

Joe died the next day.
Honey, I'm trying my best to play hot corner and look at whatever's coming in. I try. God, give me strength. I love you honey, you are beautiful.

Bright Lights

She got out of town on the railway, new york bound

Took all except my name

Another alien on broadway

Well, some things in this world you just can't change

Some things you can't see until it gets too late

[Chorus]

Baby, baby, baby when all your love is gone

Who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world

And maybe, maybe, maybe

You'll find something that's enough to keep you

But if the bright lights don't receive you

You should turn yourself around and come on home

I got a hole in me now

I got a scar I can talk about

She keeps a picture of me in her apartment in the city

But some things in this world

Man, they don't make sense

Some things you don't leave until they leave you

And then the things that you miss, you say

[Chorus]

Baby, baby, baby when all your love is gone

Who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world

And maybe, maybe, maybe

You'll find something that's enough to keep you

But if the bright lights don't receive you

You should turn yourself around and come on home

Let that city take you in (come on home)

Let that city spit you out (come on home)

Let that city take you down, yeah

For god sakes turn around

[Chorus]

Baby, baby, baby when all your love is gone

Who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world

Yeah well, maybe, maybe, maybe

You'll find something that's enough to keep you

But if the bright lights dont receive you

Well, turn yourself around and come on home

Yeah, come on home

Baby, baby, baby, baby

Come on home

Yeah, come on home

Yeah, come on home

Yeah, come on home

Baby, baby, baby, baby

Come on home

Answers

Honey, I really need you so bad right now. How do I get rid of this pain in my heart, literally, it is there. I have these visions of just taking a knife and plunging it into my heart over and over and over to make the pain go away. My heart feels like an injured animal that needs to be put out of it's misery. I swear it hurts so bad, this really is what a broken heart feels like. I don't want to stab my heart over and over to die, just to put it out of it's misery; to make the pain stop. I don't know what to do honey. I don't know how to make it go away. Sometimes I feel okay, but really who am I fooling. I am not okay. I'm doing horrible, I miss you and I can't stop crying about you. I just want all this to go away, all I want is you. I feel so helpless. I feel like this pain has got a grip on me and I really don't know what to do. It is the most hopeless, helpless feeling I've ever had. What do I do? I can't even begin to tell you how bad I wish you would come back. Or even how bad I wish I was with you. I have no idea how to make the pain go away. I can hardly sleep and people eat more at one sitting than I eat in a day. I don't feel sorry for myself and I don't rot the day away crying. I do normal things, but you are so over-bearing. You never leave my thoughts. I can't escape you. No matter how busy I keep myself you are at the forefront. Ugh. People call me and I never call them back. I never feel like talking to people. Never. But if people call me I am fine, really. I enjoy talking to people when they call, that doesn't bother me. In fact, I'm glad people call me because I will never call them. Don't ask why. Maybe it's just because I'm really not thinking about other people during the day. I don't know, but I'm fine interacting with people when they call and I'm genuinely happy. Rarely do I have to fake that I'm happy they called. I'm pretty sincere when it comes to that. So here I sit with this pain. Just me and this pain and I'm so helpless, it just engulfs me and I let it because everything I've tried doesn't work. I don't know honey. Nothing is real anymore. I sometimes feel like a stranger in this world. I feel like this is all some crazy mind numbing dream. It is still so surreal, I can't comprehend what's going on around me. I really do feel zombied out and I am just lost. Plain and simple...LOST. I feel like I'm blindly wandering in this world with no direction or purpose, I just go. I don't know what I'm doing or saying nor do I care. All I care about is getting out of bed in the morning and exercising. Those are the only things I feel I must do. Of course I get out of bed every day and the majority of the time I get my exercise in. Some days I just can't muster up enough motivation to do it, but that's pretty rare. Don't you think that's weird. I don't think about eating, sleeping, talking to other people, showering, moving. Just the bare necessities to survive - waking up. So why is exercise so important? I don't know. That must be when Jesus is carrying me...haha. Poor guy running all those miles for me. I guess someone's gotta do it. Anyway, I just wanted to vent in hopes that maybe I could get some of this hurt out. I guess typing/talking to you makes me forget about the pain for the time being. I'm going to go to bed now and maybe when I wake up it will be a new day and this pain won't be as intense. Oh, it will still be there, but my hope it's not as strong. G'nite to you my love of a life time. I miss you horribly. Love you always my K-dub - your baby girl