It's Just Me

I just got my mail and there was a letter from your dad and a poem. This is the poem, it made me cry, especially coming from your ruff and gruff dad. :)

"It's Just Me"

I fought hard over my loved one and my children.
I talk to God and he let stay,
Time and time again until this day.
He created me with pride and
Now I must stand by his side.
I'll be healthy and happy with no woes or cares,
The last thing God and I want is for you to despair.
I'm sorry I kept you with so much to do but,
God wanted me and I had to go soon.
I will be beside you every day,
God just wouldn't have it any other way.
I did my best to keep you happy and glad,
Don't ruin it now by being sad.
My body remains, but that's all you see,
For my soul, my spirit are flying high and flying free.
Just remember when the sun is shining bright, the skies are blue
And you feel a little breeze brush your face.
It's just me saying "Hi, I love you"

I miss you and love you very much. DAD

I Love You That Much

Do You Love Someone This Much?

A girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on the road on a motorcycle...
Girl: Slow down. Im scared.
Guy: No this is fun.
Girl: No its not. Please, its too scary!
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down!
Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.

Girl hugs him
Guy: Can you take my helmet off & put it on yourself? Its bugging me.

In the paper the next day :( A motorcycle had crashed into a building because of brake failure. Two people were on it, but only one had survived.

The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his brakes broke, but he didn't want to let the girl know. Instead, he had her say she loved him & felt her hug him one last time, then had her wear his helmet so that she would live even though it meant that he would die.

So after I thought about the depth of this really, it sounds all romantic that he would save her, BUT this is what I started thinking about: If there was no choice and God could take you or me, I would want him to take you because I would NEVER want you to experience this pain that I experience. I could choose to have you be in Heaven full of love, no worries and eternal life...we'll all be there shortly anyway. OR I could choose for you to live and you would have to suffer this pain on earth until you died. Honey, just thinking about you having to experience pain like this hurts me and makes my stomach turn. I could never knowingly subject you to this...NEVER! That is an easy question for people who have never experienced the pain of death. Of course they think, "oooh, how I would love to have someone love me that much!!" So much that they would sacrifice their own life for you, BUT, to me, a deeper love than that is to let them have eternal happiness in Heaven while you take the lifetime of pain and despair. Honest to God honey, it would devastate me if you ever had to feel a sliver of this hurt that I carry. So even though, it pains me that you are gone, I have a little iddy bit of comfort when I think to myself, at least he's not the one going through this pain.

Another Morning

Another morning to waking up with you being the first thought in my head. It's ALWAYS "------'s not here", I swear to you that is my first thought EVERY morning since you have died. I have my little angel bear with your picture badge/name tag clipped to the ribbon around his neck and I never let him go the whole night. Isn't that funny, I'll fall asleep with my ----- angel (that's what Mr.Cheeks calls him) wrapped in my arms and I will wake up with your angel right there. Sometimes in the night if I remember moving, I always remember making sure that your angel bear is in my arms. I always fall asleep with one hand holding your wings so you don't fly away. I imagine it will be a long time (if ever) that a different thought comes into my head upon waking. But right away I sense that you aren't in bed with me and it's an empty feeling. So lucky me, I start off the day with not some happy, bright, cheerful, loving feeling but rather a lonely, hollow, numb and empty feeling. Gosh, lucky me, it's an uphill battle from the moment I open my eyes. Sure, I want to stay in bed all day, but I suppose I'm lucky I've never been much for laying around and I'm too 'go,go,go' to be like that, otherwise I swear if my body caved in to my mind and heart, I would be curled up in a ball trying to sleep away the day. Anything to take me out of this reality that is a world without you. You would think that I'd be okay sleeping alone, hell, I used to all the time, that was just how it was and I never thought twice about it. It was never a big deal, but now your, correction....our bed is so big and there's just that whole other side that is empty. It's not warm anymore when I crawl in. You always were in bed first and the bed was always warm when I crawled in. And I was always cold...haha. One of the best feelings in the world was crawling in and cuddling up to my "heater", you took care of a lot of cold feet many nights. :) I bet you didn't think feet could get that cold...haha. And you'd always wrap your arms around me and I could cuddle right in and just fit next to your body so perfect. I miss that honey. A lot. Now I crawl into a cold, empty bed. Those are the two things I notice the most. Then I just lay there, can't sleep, thinking of you and everything about you. The only reason I fall asleep is because I stay up 'til all hours of the night writing to you, working on your page, reading books that pertain to you or death, make music that reminds me of you or trying to numb my mind with dumb, boring tv. There's just something about going to bed I don't like anymore. Anyway, back to the point of how I can even sleep, I think it's because I refuse to sleep 'til noon or even ten, basically I'm not going to sleep away the day, so I always wake up between 730-0830. Couple that with running on a treadmill and/or shoveling snow and the few hrs of sleep I've gotten the night before, I tire my body out. Every night I am soo ready to go to sleep, at least my body is telling me so and my mind convinces me I better go, otherwise I could probably just stay up all night doing things that pertain to you. So I'm on this really messed up sleep schedule of going to bed at 2 or 3 am and waking up when I stated before. What's wrong with me, I never used to be like that. It's just that I can't stop thinking about you and I want to stay awake and keep doing all this stuff for you...all these letters, making your page pretty, etc. etc. Sometimes I wonder if it's just the dread of crawling in a cold bed and then waking up yet another day thinking of you. Another day also takes me further away from the memories. It's common knowledge that memories fade as time goes on and while memories about us are always popping in my head - they're relentless - some of the old ones seem to be so far away. I guess it depends, they either feel like it happened yesterday or that same memory the next day can seem like it was forever ago. The thing is I don't want them to feel like forever ago, I want all our memories to always feel like they were yesterday. I want them to stay vivid. I'm so afraid of losing them....maybe that's why I don't ever want to go to bed. What I do know and the reason behind it is a mystery, I never want the next day to come. I just don't, I dread time passing. That is what it all boils down to! I don't want to be creeping another day closer to going back to work, I'm still so upset about how insensitive most people were I worked with....gotta give props to the C-town boyz tho, they were the only ones who cared and talked to me about you, but going back into work - ugh - I still feel like it's all so demanding. I think back to the energy it took to make it through those days last year and it drained me. Hell, making it through these days where I sit at this computer all day or on the couch - back n forth - they take energy. That's something people don't understand, it takes a lot of energy to #1 just get out of bed and #2 to do anything after that (I just thought about us in Wenatchee for some reason - it was almost this time of year - March Madness. see how u just pop into my head.). Ugh, I just dread the energy it's going to take getting up on time for something, smiling all day and pretending yet again for another summer that whoop tee doo, life is grand....f*** (gotta quit cussin during lent!!). It's not a lazy thing either, I always have energy to run and every so often I lift wts., but just enough to stay tone, not get buff. I have the energy to always do physical stuff, it's a different kind of energy. Anyway, talking about dreading the passing of each day...for whatever reason it is, time passing is my enemy. Maybe all those reasons rolled into one make me wish time would stand still. Either way it's yet another morning and all I can do is think of you and you're not here. I think you took me all with you hon....I'm so empty and hollow without you. I still want so bad to just be done with this life, but for Lent one of the focuses was to read more scripture and "God books" for lack of better word (haha) and to be positive and focus on wanting to live/trying to live and only having happy thoughts about us, not pent up anger and unrelenting sadness. Oh, it's still there, I'm just not going to be as expressive about it as I had been. I'm trying to grow (I guess), I don't know how or where. Well, in a way I do, I really want to know as much as I can about my faith, like I've said earlier I want to leave nothing to chance, that we will be reunited, that's the one thing I can't mess up while I'm still on this earth. That's the one thing I've got to get right, so I'm educating my mind and trying to be an "on point" with my Catholicism. Really that is my only driving force and that is the honest to God's truth. Leaving nothing to chance, I have to see you again. I've lost you once, I can't risk losing you forever!! With that being said, I'm so content just staying home, reading, then praying on it, then reading some more. I have no interest in the real world, the only world I want is the one you are in. Maybe I can look at this time to catch up to where you were, you've left me maybe for that reason and it's my duty to "morph" into the perfect, loving person that you were/are. When I get there maybe God will take me. I don't know, just rambling now. I better go light a candle for you. As always I love you, I love you, I love you and I can't say it enough, you're the best thing that ever happened to me.....someday, someday, we will be together again. I love you honey - so, so much. Yours 'til the end of time, baby girl.

Reason

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there...to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be but you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way. And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would never realize your potential, strength, will power or heart. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test limits of your soul. Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can create whom you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but also because they are teaching you to love and open your heart and eyes to little things. Make every day count. Appreciate everything that you possibly can, for you may never experience it again. Talk to people whom you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then go out and live it.

I'm Sad

Just thinking about you on the way back from church...just that I'm sad. I miss you a lot.
I imagine what it would be like if you walked in the door one day or if I came home and there you were. When I feel like it later, I'll go in to more detail of what it would be like. One thing is for sure, I would not ever let you out of my sight, for fear you'd disappear again. I'd follow you to the bathroom, outside, if you went in another room I'd have to go cuz if you ever went around a corner and I didn't see you I'd freak out. There would be no way I could ever let you out of my sight. I'd quit my job and just be with you. Who knows maybe that would ruin us or maybe I'd grow out of it once time went on and I found out it's okay, you're back for real. But I'd still quit my job and just be with you all the time. Anyway, I'd give anything for that dream of mine to come true, BUT we know that's not gonna happen. I can still imagine and dream though, if it makes me smile just for a second. Don't know what I'll do the rest of the day, but who cares, I always find something and the day is over before I know it and I think to myself, there's not enough time in the day...where did time go. I love you and really, I am sad and miss you a lot this morning. I guess numb is a better word. I'm not happy, but I'm not really sad either. I'm just stare straight ahead and don't want to talk to anybody....whatever that is. I love you honey, more than the world and life. You're the best thing that ever walked into my life. I'll love you forever, your baby girl oxoxoxox

If

I remember sending you this poem in an email back in the day

If

Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Happy Birthday Honey

Happy birthday to the man of my dreams. I miss you horribly today, I just wish we could've died together. I still feel so lost. I am all by myself, yet I don't feel alone. I just feel lost, dazed and numb. Sure I miss you and that is lonely, but as a whole, I just hang out and do little things all day, I don't really get lonely. I don't want attention or people around me. I don't think that's probably normal, but I really don't even care. I miss everything we had sooo much. Every memory of us is of good times. I have yet to be able to sit down and really reflect back on us and what we shared. When I do think about moments it's way too painful, so I just stop. I just want to be gone from this earth and free from this alien world I now live in. I guess what I want most is to just see you again. That's it, I want a big hug from you, I want a kiss from you, I want to hear you say I love you. My desire to be with you is so much stronger than staying here on earth. What does one do about that? What am I supposed to do? I go through the motions everyday. I don't even want to get over you, I want this pain to last forever. I'm afraid if I "get over you" that means I will stop loving you. I guess I equate the pain I feel to the love I have for you, so to stop feeling pain will mean I love you less...I know that's not true and even when/if this pain does subside I will still love you. Forever. I know that, but it's still scary to wish this to end. I want God to give me pain 'til I die. I want you in my heart as long as I live. You and no one else. So it's your birthday and I remember last year, you sitting on my couch and me having all your presents here in this very room on the bed. I bought you so many clothes. Then I got you that comforter for your bed in the camper. I got you the white board and goodies for your ACN business. Some shoes. An mp3 player. Damn, I know I got you so much more, but that's what I can remember now. So the comforter sits right next to my bed, in the exact same spot since I unpacked it from your house. Your white board is still in its wrapping here in this same room. The clothes I got you are hanging here in the closet of this room. Your other clothes are folded up in your laundry basket, the exact place where they were when you died. I've kept everything in the same place since you've died. I don't think anything has moved. I can't stand to look at your stuff, let alone move it. I hate this honey, I hate it so much. Why? Why did you have to leave us, we loved you so much. We needed you. I needed you in my life. I'm so lost without you. What do I do now? I would have given anything to spend this birthday with you. Ya' know I remember last year when you turned thirty nine, I said, wait til next year, you'll be 40 and I'll really have to make fun of you then! Well, today you are 40 and I'm officially making fun of you. Haha, you are old. Gawd, I love you so much! I always want to write something to you so touching and loving, but I feel like I fail every time. My heart and mind always seem to be closed off or off in la-la land. I feel like a zombie going through some motions trying to find the words to talk to you. My heart used to do the talking and sometimes my heart comes back and I can really write you some nice letters, but lately I don't know where my heart is. Either you're running around with it in Heaven bragging about how big it is and how full of love it is just for you OR it's dead and shriveled up, gone since the day you left. So I apologize soooo much for being so dumb in these letters, I don't know what to say to you that I haven't said a million times before. I can type I love you and I miss you a million times and it still wouldn't even express how much I really do love you and miss you. As I've said before it's indescribable - words can't express how much I miss you or love you. I hope you can feel me, you will know then how hurt and numb I am. I just wish I could push a fast forward button and be 98 years old and ready to die. I would have lived a lifetime and I'd be so close to being with you again. I'm usually so patient with everything and I can attest that this is the one thing I have no patience with. I can't wait to see you, why can't God just take me NOW! I just know I will live forever, he's gonna make me suffer a lifetime. I just know it! This morning I woke up to your voice. You know I play music all night and I was playing my top 2000 and in that is 3 messages I have recorded from you. So I wake up slowly cuz I hear your voice and right away I think oh my god he's leaving me a message on my answering machine, but how can that be, oh my gosh, he's alive, where is he and I get this huge pit in my stomach, unlike any I've ever had since you died. Usually I get "i miss you, hurts so bad pits in my stomach" but this one was different, i can't even come close to explaining it, i've never felt that feeling before ever in my life, so anyway i wake up with that pit in my stomach and it's your voice and then i realize it's just the recording playing on my computer. and then my day starts like every day starts - with dread. another day and i'm alive, another day and the first thought in my head is i'm alone in this bed and ------'s not here. everyday you are the first thought in my head and everyday i start my day sad because everyday is a new realization that you aren't here and you are gone forever. and i don't know when i'll ever see you again. i think sometimes i just have a feeling i will be leaving soon and it won't be long til i see you and i'm okay with that, but every now and then i get this awful, awful feeling that i will live on forever without you. cuz seriously think about it, if i live like the rest of my grandparents and greatgrandparents i will live to be 100 just like ALL of them. honey, that is 65 more years without you. i cry just typing it. that is too long honey, I can't do it. i can't take 65 more years without you. i swear to you, my only hope is that i'm going to die soon, that is what i wish and pray for all the time. that is what makes you being gone okay - that i will die soon. but when i think of spending that long without you, it is NOT okay at all that you are gone...cuz that's forever and that's when the pain becomes unbearable and i want to die right then and there. at least if i have this belief that i am going soon - even if it's within the next 3-5 years i can cope with that. cuz that's just like you're in the service or something and you are overseas and yeah, you'd be gone awhile but i'd be seeing you soon eventually. 65 years is not eventually, it's a fucking lifetime. living 100 years and only having 3 with you is not alright with me, it's not fair and it's not how i want it to be at all. that's not even 10% of my lifetime...ugh, i can't talk about this anymore, i pray to God i don't have to live a lifetime without you. please honey, please, please, please, i beg you to please always love me and please be the first person i see when i get to heaven and please always be in my heart and mind, please send me signs all the time, please don't let me forget you in order to avoid the pain, please, please make me feel you all the time. and the most important thing, please, please, please don't stop loving me, please, i beg you i'd die if you stopped loving me. it would be hell if i went to heaven and you weren't there or i never saw you again in heaven or you didn't love me anymore or you forgot about me, i would want to die again in heaven...i know, not possible (haha), but i would be absolutely devastated if you ever forgot about me or ever stopped loving me. please honey i pray so hard you don't. well, i guess i'll go now. 10 more minutes and your birthday is officially over and i made it through your day. i really do hope and pray you had a wonderful birthday. i just don't know how you can't be sad in heaven? don't you miss your mom? ----? ---- & ----? your dad? me? doesn't it make you sad that you couldn't be with all of us today? i'm dumb maybe you were with us all today in your own way - what do i know. okay, well i guess i'll go now, back to this life we call reality. life without my one and only. life without my soul mate. life without my everything. back to this numb, gray world. i miss you honey-SOOO much and i love you so much too! you are in my heart forever. yours for all eternity, your baby girl. sending you the biggest hug in the world and all my kisses.

11 Months

well here i sit and it's been 11 months since you've been gone from my life. i don't know how i've made it - i really don't. for everyone in this world 11 months has passed, for me it seems like just yesterday. honey, i try so hard to go on and hopefully i make you proud. i hope i am being strong enuf for you. i know there are times when i frustrate myself, but sometimes i don't know any different. if i knew how to get better and make the pain go away i would. i'm sure there must be times when you look upon me and just wish you could see me smiling and laughing again...i wish that too. someday. it is the beginning of lent today and my focus it to be more positive and spiritual. by positive i mean, i have to remember how much you loved me, instead of letting it fade and doubting. i often times think that you are happy now and you've forgotten about me - maybe you love everyone equal now because you are in heaven and i no longer hold a special place in your heart. i am an equal in your eyes now. i sometimes don't feel special or loved by you any longer. why would you even still think about me, you have such better things in your new life and surroundings now. so i get depressed. then i wonder if you loved me as much as i loved you while you were here and of course that is stupid. why is it then that i need to hear reinforcement from your mom, ---, your friends of just how much you loved me. you were the happiest they'd ever seen you. you loved me so, so much. i know that. i re-read your emails to me and letters and there is no doubt you loved me as much as i loved you. so that's what i mean when i say i need to focus on staying positive! i NEED to remember how so much you loved me and how much i loved you. i don't know why i forget, well, i don't think i forget, i think it's just easier for me to pretend like it wasn't anything much. if i really think about how deep and perfect our love was it hurts....BAD. so to not experience the pain i down play what we had. i need to stop doing that, i need to celebrate what we had and never forget. i want my love for you to stay strong. i want it to always be that way. i don't ever want anyone else in my life - ever. i don't want anyone to taint what perfect love we had. no one will ever take your place honey, so don't you worry. who knows, you may be sitting up there and hoping i love again so i will be happy, but i just can't do that honey. i just can't. it doesn't even seem possible. is it so wrong to love you so much that i will never be able to love another again. as long as it doesn't hurt me or bring me pain i am fine with it. i really am, i truly believe it's admirable that my heart will always belong to one man....you. i wanted to talk about some other things that i think about often, usually when i'm driving, so by the time i get to a computer to write you the moment has passed and i could never recreate the thoughts i had, so i'll do my best. what i think about a lot is how living life after your death is on my mind. it is no joke that my mind is one continuous highlight reel of you. memories, memories and more memories. it is going constantly and that is no joke. it never stops, so if i let it i can get sucked in, but it usually doesn't last too long before i am so overcome with emotion and must stop thinking about you. people always suggest keeping busy, working, being around people, but what i have found is that those are band aids, they cover up the problem for the time being (if i'm lucky even) and when i finally relax the emotions come rushing back twice as intense. it's like a dam. friends, work, keeping busy - that is the dam....for a moment i can focus on something else, but really don't be fooled because although my mind is occupied with something else you are always there beating down the walls. you won't be denied, you won't be ignored. so while i try to think of anything but you, you are pounding at my brain, "let me in, think about me, remember this time, remember when we did that" on and on you are intense, you are non-stop. so while i try to shut you out and do other things you are still there demanding all my attention. sure, i block you for bits at a time, but little bits and pieces of you always make it through.... always. when i get some down time after being around people or after working, you are there. the dam breaks and all those memories and thoughts of you i kept out, well, i really didn't keep them out because they're all right there waiting. i didn't acknowledge you then, but dammit i will now. so here they all come, twice as many, twice as hard. essentially it's hard to be around people because i know what the end result will be. twice as much pain after i leave them. when people think it's good for me to be around others, i really just prefer being by myself. i think that doing that other stuff is the equivalent of using drugs or alcohol, either way i'm pushing you to the back and not addressing the pain. so i think i am doing the right thing for me by staying home alone and dealing with all the pain and emotions of you being gone. i still have so far to go honey, sometimes i think i'm doing okay, but that is a joke. i can't even bring up your name with certain stories or think about certain memories without tearing up right away. in fact, if i really focus and really tell myself that you are gone FOREVER, i will never see you again as long as i live, it can't handle it, i really can't. the emotions and reality that come with that are so intense i honest to god feel like ending my life right then and there. it really is too much for my brain to comprehend. i suppose deep down i still think i will see you again. i don't know how, but i still imagine that someday i will be taking a shower and you will walk in the bathroom or i will be at work in the office and you will walk in the door or i will be sitting on the couch watching tv and you will walk through the door way or i will be running on my treadmill and you will come into the room. i imagine how i will feel when i see you again and that is guaranteed to make me tear up. i sometimes make myself stop, but i sometimes let myself go through with how i would react. i just know that i would be the happiest person (without a doubt) in the whole wide world. i think if you really did come back, i would not let you go, not ever. i may stop hugging you, but i could never let you out of my site again. so i suppose as long as i hold on to that hope or dream or whatever it is i will probably never really get over you and be able to move on, but like i said, i promise you the pain associated with the reality of you being gone is so overwhelming it really does make me want to die. i'm not sure if that will ever go away, i do know if that's the pain that's associated with getting over you, i want no part of it. i'd rather live in this fantasy world that we will be together again someday. anyway i believe i got on this subject by talking about you, my living highlight reel that never stops playing. sometimes i think i am doomed (for lack of better word) to a life of being alone, which is fine. if i can't have you i want nothing. it's like the all or nothins saying. remember when i told you i'm the type of person who wants the best and i won't settle for less and how patient i was in order to get the best. well, if waiting 30 some years of my life for you doesn't prove that true i don't know what does. anyhow, i will not settle, i want the best, i want it all and i will get it. to me you are that, so even if i have lost you in this life, i must persist and have faith that you are waiting for me in heaven. i shall not ruin it for us, i will constantly pray and ask for gods strength to make it through the difficult times when i feel lonely or think i need someone in my life. my reward of you is the best incentive i could have for remaining single and celibate for the rest of my life. in fact, i feel so strongly in that belief that it's often crossed my mind to commit myself to the catholic church. i have looked into the covenant near st. martins in olympia and i will ask father gerard many questions about it when i see him - hopefully this sunday. if i don't do that i have been seriously thinking about going back to college and studying religious studies. i have something calling me, something deeper, something within that keeps drawing me towards studying more about my faith. i also feel such a strong need and desire to do it because i feel like i cannot leave anything to chance. i NEED to go to heaven and be reunited with you, i can't mess this up. i need to do everything within my power to make it to heaven. i will do whatever it takes, whatever path god chooses for me, wherever he may take me i will go. and finally my last thought that i have been having lately has to do with love. this may be a little harder to put these thoughts to paper. i was thinking about our love and what made it so special. what put us above anyone else who falls in love and gets married because i know that our love was so much more deeper than your typical everyday "love". soul mates. i got the idea from What Dreams May Come, yes, the movie you insisted i watch. isn't funny to look back now at how insistent you were that i watch that movie and look what happens. so i remember you insisted we watch it together, so i decided to buy the book (not realizing you owned the movie and it sits with all your other movies in my living room), so i buy the book and read it and it is incredible. chris (i believe his name was) will not give up on returning to earth to see his wife, he can't let her go because he loves her so much. in the book most people are so happy to be in heaven and know it won't be long until their loved ones join them, they are content to wait. not chris, he worries about his wife so much and loves her so much he can't be happy...even in heaven. after going back and forth with his ''guide", his guide finally gets it - "soul mates" he says. that's why chris couldn't move on. rare, he says, very few people have it, but it is a bond that is forged between two souls and they are attached forever. i have absolutely no doubt in my mind that we are soul mates, none whatsoever. no one will ever convince me differently. you and i know the bond we had and the circumstances that brought us together. things like that aren't just coincidence, it was gods will to bring us together. so after reading the soul mates i really started thinking about us. what separates us from everyone else? what separates "soul mates" from the others and this is what i believe: i believe that we all are attracted to another, but with that comes many different levels of attraction or even love. i think there is a respect love, a physical looks love, a sexual love, a infatuation love, a savior love, opposites attract love, a lustful love, on and on. many people fall into these loves, all of them, some of them or one's i have not listed, for i'm sure there are many levels of love. but i think none of these loves last and they are all very dynamic - subject to change. there is only one love that lasts a lifetime and that is spiritual love, that is the love that god has bound two people with, that is the love that brings two souls together and joins them as one. only god can guide this kind of love and make it happen. i believe that god is guiding us all to our "soul mate", he wants us all to experience this love which i also happen to believe is equivalent to the same love we will feel in heaven. so as god guides us to our "soul mate" we must listen to our hearts, that is god talking to us, god is love and god is in our hearts. when we get fooled by these other loves and fall into their trap we are using our free will to make that choice, but guaranteed deep down in all those hearts are people with just a slim shadow of a doubt. but most people are impatient and believe true love will never come their way so they think he/she is perfect except for just this one little thing and maybe i can change that, or they are perfect in every way, they just have this fault, but i can deal with that - the good outweighs the bad. what they don't know is, that is not their soul mate, they are being taken off course. if they would only listen to god and not be afraid. that person is not the one, if you keep believing in god, he will take you on the right course to find your soul mate. i think a good measure of that is do you want to change your partner because if you do that is not your soul mate. even if it is one little thing. a "soul mate" loves unconditionally every little thing about the other person. i had no desire to change a single thing with you honey because i was in love with every little thing you did. things that were different from me, i appreciated. things that you did that were unique comprised your being and made me love you even more. i loved everything about you, there was no way i wanted to change a thing about you because if i did, i wouldn't have been in love with you. i would've been in love with you being the person i thought you should be. that's what people don't understand when they think, he/she is great except for ..... that's not how it works! when you start wanting to change a person you are making them into something you think you should be in love with, but we never know what we should be in love with. it doesn't work. hell, i always thought i knew what i was looking for until you came along. if someone would've explained all you and your personality to me i would've passed because i had some image in my mind of something else. that is why when we are with someone and we think they should change we are not really in love. i can look at you now and you showed to me everything i wanted in a man....and most of it i didn't even know i wanted! you truly opened my eyes, but that is love. and that is "soul mate" love - not changing the one your with, but loving each and every thing about that person. i can think of many times when i almost fell out of gods plan. i would love the person, but deep down i just knew there wasn't something quite right. i could never put a finger on it because every person had the greatest qualities you could want in a person, but there was always something missing. i started doubting if i could ever really truly love and i began to wonder what was wrong with me, but when i just let it go and told god, ya know what, i accept this fate, if you want me to be single for the rest of my life i will, but i will tell you this, i will never settle, if it doesn't feel right in my heart and with you i will not settle just to be rid of my loneliness. i will bare your cross of loneliness for a lifetime before i settle. once i accepted what i thought was gods will, you came into my life. when you came into my life, i knew, there was something so deep about our love. i knew the moment we met. i felt like i had known you forever. i truly felt like we had known each other for so long and we just had so much to catch up on. we could not get enough of each other. we had to be together all the time, there was something about you that i immediately knew. this is what i think is "soul mates", i think that our souls were meant to be together, they were always connected, we just had to follow god (a.k.a. our hearts) and he would join them together. so i believe everyone has this soul mate and god is always trying to lead us to them, but with free will people get confused, desperate, lonely and scared and take the first decent person that comes their way. sure they might be in love on some level, but it is not the level that sustains through a lifetime. its not the love that keeps you together and holding hands at age 89. *that was supposed to be you and me baby* so i have tossed that around in my head for quite awhile since reading What Dreams May Come - and by the way, thank you for sharing that movie with me. i can look back now and see that god wanted us to see that together for a reason. because of you i read the book and realized you and i are soul mates. i had thought we were before, but this left no doubt in my mind. that is the explanation i have for my most sincere and everlasting love for you. that is why people don't understand the depth of my pain or my loyalty to you forever. people can't understand what they don't know or haven't experienced. it's rare for people to have what we had, so it's no surprise that people can't understand or relate to why i insist on loving you and only you forever. it's not a choice, it's how it is, plain and simple. my soul is joined with yours and with it follows my heart. it's just that it is not possible for me to ever love again, not when i gave my heart to you. to keep. forever. and honey, i don't think it's sad at all that i will never love another as i loved you as long as i'm on this earth, rather i think i am the lucky one and my sadness goes out to all the others who will never know what it is to love and be loved as "soul mates" love. yes, we will be together again and i so look forward to that time. in the meantime i will love you and only you as you were still here. i will celebrate our anniversaries, your birthday, our wedding date, all our special days. i will celebrate them and i know somehow, somewhere you are with me. and yes, honey, i do miss you so much, the pain if i let it or think about it too deeply is unbearable. it's a selfish pain because i want you here sharing my life - our life. it is not even close to being the same without you. i go on, but there is now an emptiness inside of me that's indescribable. i don't know if i'll ever be the same. i take that back, i know i will never be the same. life is different now and so am i. you know that. it feels like i am less of this world now and more of yours. i have little interest in this world and all the interest on where you are and what i need to do to get there. i see now life is filled with such trivial little things that are so meaningless, it's hard to relate to people now. most people function on such a trivial level and now i feel disattached to this world and the people in it. i just feel alone, i feel no one can possibly understand me or us. it's alright though, for i have no clue if i will be here another day or 60 more years. i am accepting of this plan that god has laid out before me and i will exist here day to day. and day to day i will strive to become closer to you, i will try to let go of this hurt and pain that surrounds your absensce. i will strive to realize we are still together and you are still here, just on a different level. eventually i will come to grips with that, in the meantime please have patience with me, being without you is something i never imagined and it's a empty, empty world without you. you've left a huge void in me that nothing can fill, so please, please don't give up on me, i may hurt, cry, be sad, angry or depressed, but i will never, ever give up on us. that's a promise. we will be together again - please send me faith, i'll need it! i love you honey with all my heart and i will never as long as i live forget you or ever stop loving you. you were/are my "soul mate" and i love YOU and only YOU! your baby girl forever and ever - all eternity. xoxoxo
oh and another thing i just remembered before i send this off - in love the other person always makes you want to be the best person you can be. you brought out the best in me as i brought out the best in you. it's not something you can control either. i never thought, well, today i am going to be a lazy bum because i don't feel like bringing my best to the table or today i don't feel like being giving, happy or affectionate towards you because i'm just not in the mood. there was never a choice in the matter. i always wanted to be the best for you. you truly brought out the best in me and it carried over into my relationships with my co-workers, my friends and family. you affected my whole outlook on life. i had always heard the saying about bringing out the best in people, but i never truly knew how that could be or what it meant. i have a feeling not to many others really know the true meaning either, for i believe that is another aspect of spiritual love and being a 'soulmate'. imagine being in the same room as jesus, would you not want to be the best that you could be, he is such a powerful person/image how could you not want to be your best around him. it was like that with you. you were such a beautiful person, it made me want to be just as beautiful. we fed off each other, both of us strived to be what we believed the other deserved. you deserved the best (in my mind) and i deserved the best (in your mind). we treated each other like royalty and i will never forget how respectful, loving, caring and loyal you were to me. i will always value the way you treated me and i will always remember the way you made me feel and how you showed me the real meaning of love and bringing out the best in a person. thanks for everything you blessed me with, i will ALWAYS love you and i will ALWAYS be waiting for the day when we will be reunited again. and this time i'm signing off for real. i love you honey and instead of grieving over an anniversary of your 11 month death i feel like i'm celebrating 11 months of your love that still resides within me. i love you honey FOREVER!! your babygirl. xoxoxox

Leonardo da Vinci

our life is made by the death of others - leonardo da vinci

Kind Words From A Friend

------ sent this to me to cheer me up.

Even normal day to day things become alien when you are lost inside yourself. The struggles to regain a sense of ourselves when we have long been part of another person is a test of our ability to navigate in a strange new world.

You would think by now, I would know my way around,
I shouldn't miss you so badly, I should be on familiar ground.
How many more lonely years, must meander by,
until I learn the lesson, it does no good to cry.
What manner of iron will, must some people possess,
to be always looking forward, to never accept regress.
Perhaps if I was willing, to let someone take me by the hand,
they could show me a happy place, in this unfamiliar land.
Perhaps I'm only homesick, for all the joys that once were mine,
I must accept that they and you, belong to another place and time.
But I know that deep within my heart, there's a place where only you reside,
and when the pain of loneliness comes, it knows that is where I hide.
So if sometimes it seems to you, I'm clinging to the past,
it's mostly because I can't yet accept, that our love didn't last.
No matter how hard I try, I've yet to get over you,
for the part of me that's still alive, believes you love me too.
Maybe there will come a day, when that part will finally die,
and feeling strong with a heart reborn, a new love I will finally try.
And what a splendid day that will be, when I awaken to discover,
I'm happily learning a great new land, with a great new friend and lover.

Thinking. Can't stop thinking.
Think of you. This. That. That Life. That day.
That dream was mine.
A utopian dream.
Your aura; struck me like lightning to a tree.
Pointy, like a star, you shone.
So bright, yet not shining as a star would,
But as apparent as white chalk on a blackboard.
You would not show off like a star.
Yet you did burn so hot, so fiercely, so explosively -
you were a star in my eyes.
But like all stars, you died.
That gas was gone.
No pull between us.
The atmosphere was dry
and I began to choke.
I was taken from my star - like a child being taken from its poor,
drunken mother - I did not know what was happening.
Dazed. Confused. Without true reality, I there sat.
Wondering.
The end of my world had only just begun, with yours beginning.

Broken Heart

A broken heart is feeling a pain straight down the middle of my chest, like my heart is being ripped in half. There's a tightness in my chest that suffocates me. I can't breathe. A broken heart is wanting to grab both sides of my ribs and tear them apart so the pain can escape. A broken heart is being restless, I can't sleep. A broken heart is having no appetite, I can't eat. A broken heart is like I am completely going insane and no one can help me. A broken heart is nights sitting alone with no one that really and truly knows this new you, inside and out. A broken heart is sitting all alone with our memories of holding hands ("they fit together perfectly honey" you once said), the cuddles, your hugs throughout the day, drifting off to sleep in each others lap as we watch movies, your phone calls while you were at work - every two hours just to say hi, your whiskers on my neck - oh how I hated that but I still laughed the whole time - what I wouldn't give to feel that again, sitting across from each other at dinner and just staring into each others eyes, the smiles and the laughs. All of it, missing all of you, that is a broken heart. It will be a year next month, I don't even know how I made it this far, but I did broken heart and all.
I miss you honey. I love you honey - so, so much.


"FEELS LIKE A HUNDRED YEARS, I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE GONE. SO I'LL STAY UP ALL NIGHT WITH THESE BLOODSHOT EYES WHILE THESE WALLS SURROUND ME WITH THE STORY OF OUR LIFE"

Daughters Birthday

i won't say much, although i should becuz i'm in the mood to type you a frickin book. i have so much to say to you...all i do is drive and i think and think and think and think. my thoughts are absolutely amazing, at least to me, and i'd love to share them with you, but they are always when i am driving and i vow to get home and tell them to you, but the mood changes and it comes out bland or i can't think on the same wave length as when i was driving and it never comes out to anything special. it looks more like rambling, but i swear when i'm thinking i feel like a genius who could write a book.

anyway, i love you more than life itself and that is true, i don't just say that. i would give up my life to be with you, no question. i have a feeling that's not in god's plan. i guess i should get going, it's late. 2 am and this is not how late i wanted to stay up, especially after today cuz it was emotional. it was -----'s birthday today. i spent the day with her and ------- ....and nothing is the same without you. i don't like life at all without you. it's so pointless and EMPTY!!! i really could go on and on, but on the other hand i am so numb. today will hit me like a ton of bricks tomorrow....maybe the next day, but guaranteed it will hit.. hard. that's how it is. i know cuz everytime something about today and you not being there pops into my head, my immediate thought is to kill myself....remember, i would never do that, it's just how i feel. obviously for me to feel that means the pain is INTENSE, so intense i want to escape....ugh....i'm thinking about it a little now and I HATE it!!!! i do need to go to bed, but it has been 11 months (yesterday) and i was in ------- so i couldn't write your letter....and today i was in ------ ....hate that, so i couldn't do it today. BUT i have a lot pent up that i need to get off my chest. a lot i need to tell you so i will write you tomorrow. hate my life right now...absolutely hate it. hate, hate, hate. i'm gonna go to bed before i go crazy venting on here. i love you 'til the end of time. you are the most beautiful human being i have ever met in my whole life. you were my king. you were my idol. i worshipped you and the ground you walked on. you are forever my "one" without a doubt you were my soul mate...you ARE my soul mate. we will be reunited. i'll wait. i love you FOREVER. i can't wait to see you in heaven....i soooo can't wait. xoxoxoxo your baby girl

I'm Happy Now

Hey honey, before I depart on my journey I am writing this poem and I'll carry it in my pocket with my rosary, that way if anything happens to me people can read it and know that I have peace of mind now, I'm happy cuz I'm where I'm supposed to be and it's okay. The main thing that I want is for people not to be sad cuz if they only knew how happy I was to be reunited with you they wouldn't be able to stop smiling for years and years to come. I don't want anyone to face the pain I am going through.....anything I can do to alleviate the pain or take away their fears, I'm doing it now by writing this poem.

I'M HAPPY NOW

I know this is half ass,

I'm in a hurry you see.

No I can't wait,

--------'s been calling me.

If you're reading this

I have passed.

Please don't cry

For I'm in bliss.

----------- and I apart

Wasn't meant to be.

We're together now

Please smile for me.

I'm in a better place,

Someday you'll see.

We'll all be together;

That's how its supposed to be.

So when you think of me don't cry

Please remember how happy

Life was when it was ----------- and I.

I have it back and its forever this time!

Happy Valentines Day

This is my Valentines Day card to you honey. I'm finding it hard to decorate your site and celebrate a day that signifies love. A day that should be celebrated with you. So forgive me, this was the best I could do. Honey, I just want you to know that you are soooo beautiful. There is a complete lack of words in this English language to do you justice. There are no words deep or pure enough to explain exactly how I feel when I think about you. You still make me shake my head in awe. Awe that someone can be so beautiful and pure as you; inside and out. You are without a doubt one of a kind. There is no doubt God blessed me with someone that was filled with everything HE stands for.....love. You epitomized Heaven. If there was one person on this earth that God created in his image just to exist on this earth, it was you. You were so loving, caring and beautiful. I am fortunate and feel chosen that that God blessed me out of all people in this whole world to experience what it was like to have a relationship that's similar to what it would be like in Heaven. All love. Although we still had human characteristics and misgivings we still experienced something so pure and heavenly, which I am sure is the same love we will all feel in Heaven. You and me did it honey....we got a sneak preview. The love you and I shared was so close to perfect it was almost frightening that something could be so Heavenly here on earth. I look at what we had as a true gift from God, HE let us experience Heaven on earth for our short time together. I thank the Lord for every second of it. What we had was something that happens to a select few in this world and most definitely a once in a lifetime occurrence. I know I will never experience what we had again in my earthly existence, but I know what I have to look forward to in Heaven. I was the lucky one to have experienced you and all that you had to offer. We were two souls aching to give all of ourselves to someone when we met. That's exactly what we did. We gave everything; all our heart and soul to each other. We held nothing back. That's all we wanted. To give all of us to the other. We couldn't explain our love to someone else, they had to see it. Our love was exactly like a fairy tale or romantic movie. If we were left only to explain our love, it would be the love on the big screen. Perfect and so loving, making people shed a tear of happiness because it was so perfect and so beautiful. We loved each other that much. We loved each other so much it hurt at times. I never thought that was possible or I never understood it. Maybe hurt is the wrong word. We loved each other so much it made us cry. We cried because we were sooo happy. We both had went through so much and we had found our reward at the end to make the journey worthwhile. We did it, we made it. We found each other, or more like God brought us together. We had it all. We had love. I always said you were my angel sent from above. There will never be another you, you were the "one." My heart knew the moment I met you that you were "the one." I understand that "the one" is singular, meaning it's only once. In this case, once in our lifetimes. There will never be another, which is fine, I only want you. You were "the one" I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. No one can even come close to you. I will wait. Just like our wedding vows, "the one" to have and to hold, to love.... We were supposed to be joined as one and in our minds we already were. We just never had the ceremony to officially say we were. We will be together again and I will wait. Our souls are eternally joined, so although we are physically apart, we are still joined by our hearts, our souls and our love. What you and I had people can never understand. I can never expect anyone to understand the depth of our love because one can't understand what they've never experienced. We were blessed, there is no doubt. Very few are fortunate enough to love like we loved. A select few who are blessed by the Lord above and for that I thank him. I did when you were here and I still do. These feelings I say to you are nothing new you know, I told you all the time, this is not a case of idolizing you now that you're gone, I did it when you were alive too. I'm so thankful I never kept it to myself and thank God I smothered you with all my love and worshiped you every minute of every day. I always told you all the little beautiful things you said or did, how you acted...anything you did that made me light up (everything!), I told you. Honey, I want to give up, but I haven't. I will go on as painful as it is, I will. I don't know about my heart. It will always be yours. You have my heart. You took it with you. I gave it to you from the beginning. I gave it to you to keep....forever. I didn't give you my heart with intentions of taking it back.....ever. You will always have it and I will go on always looking forward to that day when we will be reunited again. Until then you have my heart - all of it. I love you more than anything ever in my whole life. I will love you until the end of time. You are the only one in the world for me. I still look at you and feel the same feelings, only now instead of experiencing your beauty in person, I am looking at pictures.

Letter To You Quickly Turning Into A Letter To God

I hate so much right now. I am a big ball of hate. I look at your picture and I feel hate....I can't look. I don't even think about why I hate when I look at our pictures. I just know I feel hate and I immediately make myself think of something else. I want to take a baseball bat and smash the shit out of everything. I want to die so bad. I'll tell you tomorrow when I'm not as short fused about ski-diving....I'm gonna go. I'll tell you why tomorrow. Just wanted you to know I'm a very bitter, angry, ugly, sad, hateful person right now. Not to you cuz I love you, but I think because what happened to you and everything I lost becuz of it all. I lost absolutely everything. I lost me, I lost my heart, I lost the one person I waited my whole life for, I lost the one person I trusted, I lost the one person who I could count on. I lost "the one" I lost the man who was supposed to be my husband for THE REST OF MY LIFE and I didn't even get to be your wife for ONE SECOND!!!! I lost my everything. I lost my will to live. I lost my will and ability to love again. I lost my smile. I lost my happiness. I lost my family. I lost the rest of my life. I lost all my emotions. I'm nothing but an empty, emotionless void now. I AM LOST. I have NOTHING!!! I am all alone with nothing. I have to live like this for the rest of my life while you are as happy as can fuckin be up in Heaven. So while you're in bliss, I am in a living hell where seconds seem like minutes and minutes seem like days, but only they don't because for everyone in this whole wide world it's almost been 11 months since you've died and for me it feels like yesterday. Ain't shit better. Nothing changes in a year, it might even be worse, because now I am not numb anymore. I liked that a whole lot better. Feeling this pain eat away at my insides 24-7 sucks. It sucks, but I want it so bad. I want God do give me all the pain he can. I want everyone to die around me, I want to lose it all. I don't care. Take my house God, take my car, take my job, take my friends, take my family. Take fuckin everything. You've already taken everything that's ever meant anything to me. I hope you are having fun with basketball and Kenny up there. I'll be sure to fall in love with something else so you can take that from me too. Do that, will you? Let me fall in love with something else, so you can rip that out of my life too. What's next? Huh? I don't care, you can't break me. I may get pissed and I may not care, but I'll keep getting up everyday and moving forward....I don't even know why? I don't know anything anymore. I know absolutely nothing except that NOTHING is certain and it could all be gone tomorrow. That's what the fuck I know. I know you fucking set me up to fall in love deeper than I'll ever fall in love again knowing full well you were going to take him the whole time. You knew the whole time you were going to take him and you just let me fall so deep in love. You did this to me. You knew the whole time. So you wonder why I am so full of hate. That's fine, this is your will. Your will is for me to never fall in love again. To never be close to anyone again. That's fine....I have ----- waiting for me. Or are you going to ruin that too? Am I gonna wait my whole life for him and then when I get to Heaven he won't even know me or it's so big you'll have him in one place and me in another and we'll never see each other again. Yeah, I bet. Fine, throw all the shit you can at me, I don't care. Who cares? Why should I care anymore. ANYTHING I care about you take. Fuck it, fuck it all.

Not Even The Trees

Not Even The Trees

Alone as I sit and watch the trees

Won't you tell me if I scream will they bend down and listen to me

And it makes me wonder if I know the words will you come

Or will you laugh at me

Or will I run

I said, "I don't know where I'm goin'

I only know where I'm from"

And it makes me wonder

If the stars shine when my eyes close

Or does my lovers heart cry

I don't know

I'm a stranger in my home

Now that everybody's gone

Someone please talk to me

Cause I feel you cry

And you're sitting with Him

And I wonder if I'll ever see you again

Lying down in Washington under the northwest sky

You see I'm tired of feeling this pain

I'm tired of living my own little lie

And it makes me wonder

When I see you in my dreams

Does it mean anything

Are you trying to talk to me

I'm a stranger in my home

Tell me are you feeling alone

Someone tell me what to do

'Cause I'm not feeling strong

And I wonder how you feel

Do you realize my pain is for real

I see you in my dreams

And I wonder if you're looking down at me

And smiling right now

I wanna know if it's true

When He looks at me

Won't you tell me

Does He realize He came down here

And He took you too soon

And now my days are short an my nights are long

I lay down with memories of you keep that keep me going on, going on

It makes me wonder as I sit and stare

Will I see your face again

Tell me, do you care

I'm a stranger in my home

Living life on my own

Right now I just can't see

'Cause i'm feeling weak

And my soul begins to bleed

And no one is listening to me, not even the trees

-Hootie & The Blowfish-

Quick Hi

hi honey bunny. i have to admit i have a hard time having any good feelings when i write you. i want so bad for you to be alive and all my emails to be full of love, love, love. instead i feel like i'm writing to air lately so when i say how much i love you and miss you it's hard to get really emotional because who the hell am i talking to and who am i sending to? air. i don't know if it's that or just that i miss you so much i don't know what words to say. what the hell can i say for you to really know how much i miss you. i can say i miss you so, so, so much and maybe if i put a million "so's" you might get an idea that i miss you a lot. or i could say i reallllly miss you and the more letters i add to the word really might give you a good idea of how much i miss you. or i could tell you that thinking about your absence makes me cry. or i could tell you i feel so hollow inside because you are gone and in your place is a hole. or i could tell you that i miss you so much i don't want to live anymore because life is empty without you. or i could tell you i miss you so much there is a pit in my stomach 24-7. i could tell you all those things and they still don't paint a picture of how much i really miss you. valentines day is coming up...you're not here. your mom's birthday is coming up....you're not here. -----'s birthday is coming up...you're not here. your birthday is coming up....you're not here. what's wrong with this picture. it's not right. it's so fucking wrong. i don't know why God took you. i'm so selfish because you are having a blast and i want to bring you back. i'm sure you'd never come back givin the choice...who would. if you were here for your birthday i'd make fun of you because you're going to be 40. i can't even gather up enough of a sense of humor to poke fun at you. i can't gather up enough of anything but pain, hurt, empty, sad....yeah, i gotta lot of that. i don't even know why i write you when all i do is bitch about how much i hurt. if you could read these i'm sure you hate them, i suppose there's a slim chance you might understand i need to do this to vent and hopefully heal. whatever, these days i seem like i ramble when i write. i talk about nothing with meaning, i just ramble, just like now. i'm gonna go. i just wanted to say hi, tell you i miss you, but for some reason it doesn't feel good to do this right now. i love you so much it hurts honey. and i know it's forever. xoxox your baby girl

With You

When I'm with you
I hear a song
That makes me laugh
and smile
and sing to you

When I'm with you
I feel so free
I feel that love
is going
to take control
of me

When I'm with you
I wonder why
people just stop
and stare
and smile at us

When I'm with you
The sun shines my way
Maybe our love
reflects its rays of light
on everyone in the world

When I'm with you

It's for real
What I feel

A special touch

A warm embrace

A sweet and tender kiss

Your smile

It warms my heart

So pure

When I look in your eyes

Honey its so nice
so right

I love you, yes I do

I'd give the world to you

When I'm with you

Everything's alright

When I'm with you

Nobody but you
-Tony Terry-

Honey I love you

My World Now

My world before you was bright. Full of love, rainbows, waterfalls, flowers, brightness and beautiful. Now it's opposite. My world without you is dark, twisted, gray, sad, lonely and empty. If anyone looked at this picture and were told their life was about to become this I'd like to see their reaction. If people could see my life in a painting this is what it would look like. Maybe people would understand why I'm so gloomy if they saw my life in a painting. Honey, I hurt so bad and I miss you horribly. I want you back so bad! I'd give anything...absolutely anything to be with you again. Nothing matters to me anymore. Only you and being with you again.

Just Thinking Of You

just thinking of you. i went snowboarding today...almost a year to the day, huh? hurts me so much i get a pit in my stomach just thinking about it. i had a great time when we went on that little valentines snowboarding trip. you were good. really. you were better than some of my friends who had been several times. you were good at everything weren't you.

we (me and ------ - neighbor) just went around here. we did jumps here and there, it was fun. i just wish it was you and me. or even you, me and -----.

i've just been having such a hard time lately. i miss you so much and the most random memories pop into my head all day at any time. there is no control...they just come at me all throughout the day. i just wish this never happened, this is not how i want to spend the rest of my life......life without you. you were the best thing in the whole world. you were the best thing that ever happened to me. i miss you honey. i really do. i just wanted you to know that and i love you now as much as a did a year ago or two years ago. honey, please help me if you can in any way. please help me to make this not so hard. just please come back...i wish that was an option. i would give it all away to be with you again. well, just wanted to say hi and that i was thinking about you. also gotta tell you my valentines day story, the teddy bear, lisas dream, how much i'm hating the fact that valentines day is coming up. how it all ties together. i'm blaaah right now, so how bout tomorrow? i love you hon! :) <----- that is a fake smile....cuz on the inside there is no smiling, it's all hurt and pain. yours forever and ever xoxoxoxo your baby girl