All Mixed Up

Today i feel like i'm ready to explode, it's like you're right there demanding attention and i keep pushing you back. i don't want to think about you....just don't know what to think. i feel like it can't be real...it's not real, so i don't want to make it real by thinking about what happened, so i'm just pushing it back. it never happened. i feel like if i acknowledge it i will explode. i will burst. for a moment or two today i tried thinking of you, i cried a little, but i felt like if i let go i would explode, i would never stop. thing is i just couldn't let it all go. something was blocking me. as bad as i wanted to just cry, i couldn't do it. go figure. now i feel like i need to but i can't....maybe it's just that it hurts so bad, i don't want to. i don't even want to get too deep about it with you either cuz i feel like i'm on the verge of just breaking down and flipping out. i want to take a baseball bat and smash the hell out of something.......

anything. i want to scream at the top of my lungs....argh. this sucks so bad. we had some meeting at work about all the bad things that have been happening and how to cope. some counselor lady from ---- came down to talk to us. it pretty much sucked, the lady from the employee assistance program was talking about grief and grieving, blah, blah, blah. i pretty much hated it. i felt like everyone was thinking about me or looking at me. i felt like everyone was talking about me behind my back, only thing, i was right there. it was pretty damn uncomfortable. maybe that's why i have this sucky suck feeling right now. i sat down with ---- ---- at lunch. he asked how i was doing. what do you tell people when they ask you that? the truth? well, i pretty much hate life. waking up every morning is a chore. showing up for work is a chore. i'm so sad and hurt i wanna crawl away and die. instead, oh i'm doing ok, i have good days and bad days. it's like a rollercoaster. blah, blah, blah. he said one thing he remembered about you and me is that we seemed so happy. everyone says that. it's terrible cuz it's the truth. we were so happy. we had it all. we were a happy young couple who had everything going for them. now look...a miserable young single me who struggles to keep her head above water. so it all sucks and i have no idea what tomorrow will bring. days like this when i feel like i'm gonna explode, yet i can't explain the root of it or why i feel like i wanna explode either lead to a huge breakdown or i just go to bed and it's over. tomorrow starts over and i just feel whatever...it's like the lottery, who knows what it will be. except it's never a prize or anything that makes me happy. it's like the crap lottery. i'm a winner everyday, but i win being sad, i win feeling like a piece of crap, i win being miserable, i win being depressed, i win being tired, i win being numb, i win hating life...on and on, the choices are endless and every single one of them suck! so peace out, i'm outta here. you are the best thing that ever happened to me....please don't ever think differently no matter how i feel or what i say. you were my life. i love you forever. xoxoxo your baby girl

Don't Care

Isn't it funny how emotions change from day to day...even hour to hour. today...who cares? you died, you're gone. what's crying, being sad or any of that gonna do to bring you back. i just don't care, don't think about you and you go away....makes it easy. so you died, it sucks, life goes on. isn't it heartless how cold i can be. like i said though, it works. at least it works today. sorry hun, that's just how it goes. doesn't mean i don't stop loving you. i'll love you forever. :) and ever :) and ever :) can't wait to see you again. yours always, your baby girl oxoxoxox

Runaway

just tired. numb. what happened to my life? what did i do to deserve this?

i don't get breaks from the pain. i don't get breaks from this tragedy. i don't get breaks from the grief. it's with me every moment of the day. there's no escaping. there's no taking a vacation to get away from it all. i suppose that would be drugs, hence the appeal to some. or even alcohol i suppose. at least i'm smart enough to know that's not the answer.

it would be nice to have a moment of silence not interrupted by memories of you. it would be nice to be able to read a book without anything in it reminding me of you. it would be nice to watch a tv show without being reminded of you. it would be nice to hold a conversation without something reminding me of you. it would be nice to listen to music without applying it to you, me or us. it would be nice to be able to be alone without being bombarded with memories.

there's no cure. there's no answer. i am doomed to suffer. this is the life christ has chosen for me. i've either done something to warrant this (god knows what) or i've 'earned' it....whatever that means. they say "when one door closes another door opens" or god never throws anything your way that's too much for you to handle...hah. have those people never been in a situation. tell me what door is gonna open cuz of this? doors open all the time throughout your life. so one may open for me in a month, maybe 6....whenever. point is, it would have opened regardless of this situation. it will/would be coincidental. don't be blaming it on your death. also god never throws anything your way that you can't handle. well, i can't handle this. i try and i'm either slowly sinking or barely keeping my head above water....more than anything i'm drowning and there's no one to help me. more like, i've drowned and i have no clue. i'm way over my head and nobody knows it but me. i just want to stay home and just do nothing all day. i have no incentive to do a damn thing. i don't know how my bills are getting paid. once in a blue moon something snaps and i have it in me to clean my house, but then it's gone and my house is a pit again.

we were meant to be. god knew that. you knew that. i knew that. everyone around us knew that. so what happened? today i'm not angry. i'm tired, i'm numb, i'm hopeless. i don't want this for my life. i really don't. i guess it goes to show we don't get what we want only what's handed to us, so what's the point in trying. it's all for nothing. i don't want to try for anything. if this is how god operates then i'll just float and whatever comes my way, comes my way and i'll always know it's not forever, so don't hope or don't have expectations. it's all pretty crappy knowing there's no control. why get attached to anything again. that way i'll never experience loss again. i had it all. and literally in a blink of an eye, a phone call, i lost it all. "we've lost ----" tell me three words worse than that. tell me three words that will bring you to your knees. tell me three words that will bring you a pain unlike anything you've ever experienced before. tell me three words that will turn your whole world upside down.

i have this relentless feeling to just leave. leave all of this behind. go far, far away and never look back. to get away from this all. i could go far enough away and maybe things someplace new won't remind me of you. i can cut ties with everything and go. as much as i love ---, your mom and dad. i don't want it anymore. the memories are horrible and it hurts to talk to all of them. i'm a bad person i know. acn...i'm a bad person, i know. i tried to begin with, but....

but what? i don't know. it's hard. i don't know if it reminds me too much of you. maybe i just don't have the time. maybe i just don't have the energy. or maybe i just don't have the courage to face something that's a big part of you. i guess i'm a coward.

life ain't always beautiful - gary allan. it's on the radio right now. isn't that the truth. it's country too. you're probably laughing. now a song i've never heard by carrie underwood called 'don't forget to remember me' i don't know why but i worry about that a lot. i think that if you are up there somewhere you might forget me and i'll wait a lifetime to see you only to be disappointed cuz you don't remember me. then i'll really have wasted my life. not that i even care about my life right now and whether i'm wasting it or making the most of it. really what does it matter when we all die in the end. the good part is heaven....isn't this supposedly the "test". well, i effin fail, so take me now.

life is empty and i'm lonely for you. there is a gap in me that is huge. i feel hollow without you. it would be nice if i could fast forward and just get this all over with.

i guess i'll try to go to sleep now....i sure wish i could dream about you....seems impossible now. a rare treat i suppose...another way for god to torture me for whatever i did to deserve this. i will always love you....forever and ever. i miss all of you. xoxoxo

Just Mad

I don't hate you and I'm not mad at you. Sorry. I'm just mad at everything we're going to miss out on. I'm mad at being alone. I'm mad at losing the best thing ever in my life. I love you more than life itself. I just love you too much is all. I miss you. I hope you will never forget me. I want to give you a big hug the next time I see you (in Heaven). G'night honey bunny. Love u!

ang-grrr

I'm filled with so much anger lately. i'm so mad you left me here all by myself. i'm so mad i had something so great...something that got my hopes up, had me dreaming, got my expectations up and for what? this. you left me here all alone. it would've been ok if i would've never met you cuz i came to terms that this was my job, this was where i was gonna live for the rest of my life, that i would never meet a good guy here, that i was doomed to a single life. all of that was fine. i knew that's what my life was gonna be. well, you came into my life and changed all that. you made me giddy. everything was too good to be true. i should've known. you were like my knight in shining armor. now look, you got my hopes up and now this sucks that i'm stuck here all by myself in this crappy job. why did you come into my life and do this to me? is this some kind of cruel joke? is this one of life dumb tests i'm supposed to pass? screw life and it's dumb ass tests. i'm just mad, stop playing games with my heart...ya know that's what's so cruel about it. so i'm mad. this all sucks and i don't give a damn about anything. i want to forget all about you, move on. i don't want to remember how great it was. why? so i can torture myself. ya' know it's just so much easier to keep busy, work, hang around people and just forget you and i even existed. i don't want to sit around and think about what i'm missing out on. every time i see a couple, everytime i hear about a relationship, a wedding, a couple having a kid, every time i see a new house being built...tons of crap.....i don't want to think about what a wonderful life i'm missing out on. i just wish i could erase all our memories and just move on and be happy. i'm tired of being mad, i'm tired of being sad, i'm tired of this hopeless/helpless feeling. i can't even look at your pictures without getting mad. so i'm sure it sounds dumb and irrational. i can't explain it, but yeah, that's how i feel. so while i can be so mad at you, i can also still love you so much and miss you more than anything in this whole world.....go figure, life sucks and then you die. and ya know i'm sure you're up in heaven doin your thing and who am i to you anymore. i am nothing but a person on earth. how do i even know you will be waiting for me, how do i even know you remember me. how do i even know you care. for all i know you are in your own little world now and having a great time and i am here suffering and for what? is this supposed to make my life better in the long run? does this get me a free ticket to heaven? i doubt it, this suffering is doing nothing for me, but making me hate life and even you sometime. who am i to you now? i really feel like i am nothing to you now and here i sit suffering for you. basically, this is something so horrible i wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. i hope to see you soon. maybe you still love me even. maybe you'll even remember me?

so much love, your baby girl. xoxoxoxo

Adidas

my k-dub and yeah i've been missing 'k-dub', :) it's been awhile. i miss you so much....I wish so bad you could be here with me right now. I want you in my life....it's incomplete without you. it really is...i feel so lost. why can't you just come back. i can't even fathom going the rest of my life without you. i just hope i die soon....i can't even think about being retired without you....being an 80 year old without you....that's so long away and i always imagined you and me together throughout the future. to be alone is something i can't even think about. i don't want to be there without you. i just want all this to end. if i was dead i could be with you. i don't want to live in this petty little world without your love. i'm ready to see you right now, the sooner the better. i miss you, i miss you, i miss you! i want so bad to spend today with you. i am sick, so i stayed home from work. this time i really am sick...got a dumbass cold...cuz i ran myself into the ground. did i tell you i bought your cologne, adidas dynamic aftershave, cuz the smell reminds me of you. this sucks so bad. i hate life without you. i wish it didn't have to be this way. guess i'll go now, just wanted to tell you i love and miss you. your baby girl. oxoxoxox

What Hurts The Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

By Rascal Flatts

(I can't believe I like some country music now....i owe it all to you)

Stud

you're a stud. you're beautiful. i love so many things about you. this really sucks cuz i had the best thing in the whole world and now it's gone. to pretend like you were never here sucks but that's essentially what i havta do. pretend that you were never even a part of my life, that way i can focus on what i have to do each day. if i think about you during the day...which happens to be all the time, i can't focus on anything. it's easy to push you way back and not think about you. push you so far back it's like you never happened. that's easier than dealing with the pain of losing the best thing that has ever happened to me. i can never be with anyone ever again. you were it. i love god for lending you to me. and i love you for as long as i live and more and more and more. your baby girl. xoxoxo

Missing U

hey honey, it's your baby girl. today i'm missing you so much. there aren't words for how much i miss you. i thought of our first date, how we talked a lot in ---- when we first met, i thought about your crash and what you must've been thinking. i thought about us at church. hell, i thought about a lot. i went to the property today after church. i planted some trees. i was there from about 1030 to 730, but it sure wasn't long enough. i wanted to plant way more trees. maybe i planted about 50. all over by your tree. i watered your tree too, so i hope that helps it. jim showed up about 7 and we b.s.'ed for awhile. i met his wife, she seemed real nice. she invited me to her house anytime. she told me that ---- was her nephew (firefighter in ----). small world huh? i want to cry so bad but i can't. it hurts so bad, but i don't know what hurts. i can't pinpoint anything to cry about. just that you were so perfect and beautiful. the way we met was amazing...it was met to be....had to have been. why was this meant to be though? what did i do to deserve this pain worse than anything in the whole world. i would take all the physical pain in the world if i could lose this pain. it's days like this i don't think i could make it on a fire assignment. they're gonna try to get me in AZ sometime this week. it's on the tonto n.f., isn't that cool. hopefully, i can see my spot...but it's our spot now. even though you never physically went there with me, i know you know where it is now and you had to of been with me when we were there for the bachelorette thingee. anyway, i said i'd do it. a divs(t). you always seemed so proud of it and really wanted me to get it, so i am doing this for you. i hope ---- just signs me off. i doubt it, but all i want is to be divs so i can be a safety officer. hell, why do i even want that. i don't like this job. this was supposed to be my last year and i was gonna do something else. i really, really hope --- gets some bball job, so i can just pack up and say peace out. i'm kinda sick right now...sore throat that won't go away and just real, real tired. i gotta get up early tomorrow too...i haven't got to sleep in for awhile. i think wednesday i slept til 8 or so, then --- called and woke me up. i ran about 9 or 10 miles saturday then went to the river with --, --, -- and --...others too, but you wouldn't know 'em. got home kinda late...went to bed late...got up early to go to church...felt like crap, but of course wouldn't miss church for the world. sermon was awesome once again. i love it when father joe does them. i felt like he was talking right to me. or the lord was speaking through him. i could've cried so easy. i had to fight to hold back the tears. he talked about being in a "storm" and having faith. jesus will get you through the storm...don't doubt. he is in the boat with you. he spoke of his brother, sister in law, and nephew who got in a plane crash last fall and all were killed. he even doubted the lord...why did it have to happen...he said he had a rough time. it made me feel a little better. if father had a rough time than i certainly am ok to be having a rough time. he was so passionate talking and i swear it was for me...it certainly seemed that way. it was very touching. i'm so glad i'm going to church now. i wish it was closer so i could go every night. did i tell you i looked on the internet on how to be a nun. i might as well....i can't see myself with anyone ever again. i only wanted you. you were my soul mate. you were so perfect, we were so perfect. everything. we were so meant to be. i can't even fathom anyone coming close to you. there is just no way. anyhow, i had the best and i had my piece of heaven, so now nothing is left but to remember and smile. to go on with life and devote myself to the lord. i certainly don't want to devote myself to another person, i worship the lord now. maybe that's why he took you from me, because i worshiped you. and really you're not supposed to worship another human being....you're not supposed to place someone above the lord and i did. maybe that's why? who knows, i just know it sucks so bad and i really would be so fine if i just died right now. i would certainly feel bad for my family and i'd be so sorry, but this is awful. i want to be with the ones i love the most, you and the lord. they will come later, so that's what makes it ok. it would hurt them too, as this is hurting me, but if they only knew we will all be together. it will be marvaleous, i can't wait! i will get to see so many good people that are up there with you. did i tell you i had a dream about you the other night? first i saw grandma --- and we sat down and had a cup of coffee. i don't remember what we talked about or even if we talked. just that we were together, she was ok, i was happy and everything was all good. next, i was with you and you were showing me a video (vcr or dvd, if that even)....anyhow, it was a video of all your friends and you were showing me one guy, but i didn't know him. it was like we weren't apart at all and everything was normal. we were just together. when i have dreams like that i wish so bad you would be sooo happy to see me and give me hugs and kisses, but for some reason, it's like we haven't been apart long, so there's no need for hugs and kisses. i wish i would even be happy and hug and kiss you. don't get me wrong, we're not unhappy, we are just matter of fact together and it feels good. it's all good. well, i'm sick and feel like crap, so i'm going to go to bed now. i gotta get up at 5, so that's gonna suck. i miss you so, so, so, so much. it's so sad. i wish you were here. i love you forever and ever honey. love always, your baby girl xoxoxoxo

Greetings From Detroit

We should be here. I bet you'd be getting close to a TC. I wish we could've done this together. I love you so much and I miss you so much. I'd give anything to be in Detroit with you right now. I hope you still think of me becuz I think of you all the time! xoxoxo your baby girl

Attached Message

From:	acnnews@acninc.com
To:	----------------------
Subject:	Greetings from Detroit
Date:	Fri, 23 Jun 2006 3:36 PM

6-23-2006

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Letter

oh honey bunny, i just got on my other computer to get some music for ---. i was looking for one of my music lists in my documents and i saw 'to the one i love'

i certainly don't remember ever seeing this, but it was a letter from you (i don't know when you wrote it). it said we get a long so well because we can talk about a lot of things that other people don't and because we talk we will have a great relationship for the rest of our lives. it said you loved me very much and you were waiting to hold me in your arms.

of course it made me cry, i was sooo hoping i'd find something from you to me in all my unpackings and putting your things away. this letter from you made my day, but it also made me kinda sad because this really, really sucks. this isn't fair that our love was taken. god knows why, i don't. it just hurts me a lot and makes me really sad. i really miss you. i miss all the nice things you used to say to me. i miss your kiss. i miss your hugs. i just miss you...your laugh, your smile, your eyes, your hair....just everything. i miss spoiling you. i miss telling you how great you are. i miss smothering you. i miss laughing with you. i miss cuddling with you. i miss talking to you. i miss everything about you...i really do.

you're the best. you always will be and i will always love you and only you. always! so much love, your baby girl oxoxoxoxox

YOUR LETTER TO ME:

THE ONE I LOVE

Honey I am the luckiest person alive cause we talk about things and we seem to agree on things that most people would not. I believe we will have a great life together cause we will work together. You know that I don’t right a lot but just to let you know I love you so much and am sitting here waiting to hold you in my arms.

Hold Me

hold me when i'm falling apart

carry my weight

forever on me

i can only give you love

we were free like water

flowing under the warmth of the sun

look at us now

this doesn't need to be the end

hold me while i'm falling apart

tell me it's forever with you

forever it's you

forever in me



Art by Jean Mason

Hate

I hate this life. I hate today. I hate, I hate, I hate. I hate what's been done. I hate that I am alone. I hate that I am without you. I hate that I'm left here. I hate that other people have relationships and we don't. I hate that other people have kids and we never had the chance. I hate that other people are happy and I'm miserable. I hate being strong everyday. I hate work. I hate the dumb crap we do at work. I hate getting up every morning. I hate going to bed every night. I hate being awake. I hate talking to people. I hate being nice. I hate smiling. I hate looking at your picture. I hate all of this. I hate life without you. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I want it all to end. I'm tired. I want to run away and never turn around. I hate thinking about you all the time. I hate missing you so much. I hate being sad. I hate being lonely. I hate pretending I'm going to be ok. I want to go to bed and never wake up. I want it all to end. Today sucked, I was sad all day. I dreamed last night I was in Texas, San Antonio. I was by myself walking through what looked like a park. A big park like Central Park. The grass was green, it was sunny, nice. People were having picnics, jogging, walking on trails. Just a busy park. I was on the outskirts of San Antonio walking into it. I could see big bldg's on the horizon, probably about 2 miles away. Suddenly the space shuttle lifted off and everyone in the park stopped to watch it. We were all in awe, it was cool. The shuttle got so far up and it released off the main thing and as soon as the shuttle split away it took a sharp turn down and made a nose dive for the skyskrapers. It crashed into all the skyskrapers and made a huge explosion. Everyone was freaking out and crying. Big chunks of the bldgs and concrete chunks started falling out of the sky towards us. At first they were easy to dodge because they were falling slowly, but soon they were shooting at us really fast. Almost like bullets being shot at us. I had to dive to the ground to miss getting hit. I hid behind a tree but pieces were flying so low they were still almost hitting me so I crawled behind a bush and it was a little better. It really was like a war zone and getting shot at. After I crawled behind the bush I woke up. I'm pretty sure this was something about you. There was a huge crash and from there who knows. I know I keep replaying the crash over and over in my head. Your crash. I can piece together enough from the stories I've heard, the newspapers I've read and your death certificate to pretty much know how it probably happened. It replays over and over in my head. How you must have felt. What you must have seen. What you must have thought. It's like I can be in your shoes. It's scary and I know it must have sucked for you right before it happened and I wish more than anything you never had to experience that. I know it doesn't matter now, but just knowing that you had to go through that just tears me up. It makes me sick to my stomach. I think I dreamt about that crash cuz I keep thinking of your crash. It's also been just over 3 months since you died. I just feel like it's all crashing down on me and I hate every bit of it. On that note I just want to go. I hate it all. But I do love you, so much it hurts tremendously. I miss you so much I want to cry right now. It's a lot of pain and hurt. I wish I felt nothing. I love you eternally. xoxoxoxo your baby girl.

Hedges

You're all I need, you're all I see, you're all I want. If you were still alive, I'd build a hedge around our relationship.....keeping everyone out and only you and me in. I wouldn't need anybody else ever in my life. You were my life. I was there for you. I was there to cater to you. I was there to spoil you. I was there to be everything you ever wanted in a woman, in a wife. You were all I ever wanted in a husband, partner, companion, man. You deserved the best and I was there to give you nothing less than the best. If you were still alive I would've bought this book (Hedges) and we would've read it together. We would've had a hedge around our marriage so big, we wouldn't have been able to see out! :) Sometimes life just isn't fair is it? Now I look at this book and wish we could've shared it together, instead it's just that...a book. Just there for no reason. It doesn't apply to me or my life anymore. I wish it didn't have to be this way. It makes my life sad and I hate it! We were supposed to share special stuff like this. Always growing together and always loving unconditionally. We had the best relationship ever in the whole world.....I miss it so bad. I love you forever and ever. xoxoxo

Your baby girl.

Amazon.com: Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough To Protect It: Books: Jerry B. Jenkins,Tim F. LaHaye

You Take My Breath Away

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take- but by the moments that take our breath away.

Quotes

"Whatever God has blessed you with, take it with a grateful hand." Horace

and ,

"God asks no man whether he'll accept life. That is not the choice. You must take it. The only choice is how." Henry Ward Beecher.

Lonely

I'm so lonely. I miss you so much. I've done better than I ever have at making sure I'm surrounded by people. I visit people, I'm not in seclusion, I hang out with the crew, I visit people, I see my family....the best I've ever been and it makes no difference, I'm so, so lonely for you. I think about you all the time. All I want is just to be with you. One of your hugs would make this all go away. All of this really, really sucks. So bad. It is getting worse and I feel helpless to it all, like it it spiraling out of my control and all I can do is hang on tight. I am on a ride that I am helpless, I have no choice. I can't get off. I'm here for the long haul. This isn't what I signed up for. I signed up for everlasting love 'til death do us part. Well, maybe that's not a good way to put it, but I thought we were going to live forever, at least til we were old and we'd share a lifetime of togetherness, love and memories. I don't want this. I don't want this pain. I don't want these feelings. I don't want any of this. I want it all to go away. I want to wake up tomorrow and the pain and lonliness are gone. The memories are gone. It was all a bad dream. Either I forget about you completely or you come back to me. I want all or nothing. This pain is unbearable. I cry all the time now. All day, all the time. I replay the crash over and over in my head. Even though I wasn't there I can piece enough of the pieces together to know how/what happened. I can be in there with you and see what you went through and it makes me cry every time. I wish sooooo bad that I would've been with you. So, so bad. I wish so bad we could've died together. I can't handle this pain anymore. I want to run away for ever and never look back. I don't know where I want to run to but I know I want to run away from you and the memories. This is the worse pain I have ever experienced. I wish I could be gone from this earth, I don't want to go through this. It hurts likes something you could never imagine in your wildest dreams. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. I don't even dream about you anymore....the first 2 or 3 weeks I dreamed about you every night. That was better than nothing. Now I don't dream about you at all. Can I at least have that. Just like my love for you, the pain I feel can't be put into words. No one could ever understand what I'm going through. I try so hard to be so strong for everyone at work and I can do it. And I have been doing it. I'll try to keep moving on. I think praying, reading the bible and going to church have helped. I wish I could just read the bible all day and go to church everyday. I don't want this job anymore. I want to hang out with the people but that's it. Really I just want you. I want to run away with you. Now I regret not running away to Reno with you and getting married in private. I wish so bad we could've at least been married. Uggggg, I hate this. I feel like crying right now, I feel like dying right now, I feel like smashing something right now. I want to destroy something. I want to disappear. I want to scream. I want you back in my life dammit. Why did you have to leave so soon? I needed you in my life. I needed you so much. I have never felt that way before. I was happy before I met you and then you came along and made it the most special time in my life. I was so, so happy. Now I can't even go back to being happy. I exist and a hollow one at that. Everything is fake. My fun, my smiles, my laughs. Just me, I feel so fake. Like I have to put up a front to make sure everyone is comfortable around me. If I'm going to have people around me I want to be ok so I don't scare 'em off. It sucks. It really does. With you I could just be me....goofy, funny, loving and I could smother you with my love. I will never be able to do that again. I really do think about just devoting my life to God and becoming a nun. What's the point to living life now, except to live it for God. It's so important to do everything I can to make it to heaven. I need to be with you again. I need to see you again. I don't want to mess it up. I want to make it to you. I pray for you everyday. I pray that you are in heaven. I also pray that if you are in purgatory that God will open up heavens gates for you and let you in. I want you to be in heaven so bad. You deserve it. You were the purest human being I have ever met. I am so serious. I didn't know the 'you' of your past so I can only comment on the years I knew you, but you were the most geniune, caring, compassionate, kind person I ever, ever knew. No one could compare to you. I still can't believe how perfect you were. It's so sad that you did it...you got it all right. Your life was what everyone's should be. Honey, you made it. And right when you did you were gone. You had the job that you always wanted. You peaked, you made it! And as soon as you made it you figured out there's more to life than a job and you knew family was a priority and you made the commitment to be with me and the kids. Even if it meant making less money. You figured it out! You found the Lord. It was all unfolding before you. You knew there was more to life than what you had. You found Jesus. And right when you did, you were taken from us. You talked to everyone....you loved everyone...that's a better way to put it. You were love. You were the definition of love. You gave and gave and gave. You cared more about everyone else than you did yourself. You were perfect. You did it, you figured out life and you didn't even know it. I wanted us to keep going, we were doing it. Our lives. We were figuring it out. The way to do it. What was really important. We had the Lord and each other. We were going to blow the world away. We were going to show everyone this is how you're supposed to love....this is how you're supposed to live. Right when it all fell into place, it was gone. Gone in a blink of an eye. It happened so fast. What happened honey? Where did you go? Where did we go? Where did our life go? Where did our life go? Where did ----'s life go? What happened honey? I still can't comprehend....what happened? What am I going to do now? I really want to quit....if I only had enough money to pay off my school loan & our property, I could just give it all up and go somewhere and do something. I don't know what. I'm so lost. I'm so confused without you. I think I'll ramble on forever if I don't just set this computer down and leave. I need to go...I'm just a mess and I should probably just go to bed. I wish so bad I could dream about you. You have no idea how much this hurts. It's awful. So, so awful. I wish I could just curl up in a ball, sleep and wake up in a few years and it would be erased from my memory. I guess I need to go on and deal with the pain. If you can help me, please do. Please honey, I don't want to hurt anymore. I want you to be here to make it all better. Just make it stop....honey, I love you and if this pain guarantees me eternal life with you and God in heaven than bring it on. Give me more. I will not be broken and that is a guarantee. I love you honey. I love you my K-dub. You are the best. You always were and you always will be. I love and miss everything, absolutely everything, about you. I wish my words could be more expressive or do more justice to how much I love you. Stay with me in spirit and keep loving me, please. I still need you. Love always. Forever, forever, forever. As long as I live and eternally past that. Always, your baby girl.

Goodbye My Lover

These are some of the lyrics. I deleted the beginning, it didn't apply to us. I love you more than the whole world....tell God I'm ready to be with you whenever he wants to take me from this earth....anytime now is fine. I need you in my life and going on without you is so, so hard.....so please take me as soon as it can be done. I love you so much!

James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover Lyrics

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.



Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.



I am a dreamer but when I wake,

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the father of your child.

I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We've had our doubts but now we're fine,

And I love you, I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.



Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.



And I still hold your hand in mine.

In mine when I'm asleep.

And I will bear my soul in time,

When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

3 Months

It's been exactly 3 months since you were killed. The other day I was thinking how beautiful you were and how lucky I was to have experienced heaven on earth. You were the closest to heaven that I could get. Today is hard for me....it's hard for me to be happy and think of how lucky I was and how beautiful you were, just cuz it's more of a sad day. Actually the last couple days have been really sad for me. I really miss you. I really, really miss you. You were somebody so special to me. Someone that I waited for. A long time. You were someone who loved me back as equal as I loved you. And I loved you more than I have ever loved anything. You meant the world to me and right now it's so hard to live without you. I want so bad to just see your face one more time. I want so bad to be able to get a hug from you....I think that's what I want from you right now more than anything is a hug. I want to hear your voice again. Your phone calls again. I want to visit you again. I want you to visit me. I want us to be married. I want to live together. I want to make your lunch everyday. I want to have dinner waiting on the table for you every night. I want a kiss from you when you walk in the door. I want to feel your arms around me. I miss so many things about you. I was the luckiest girl in the world. I can't believe how perfect you were. There is no way anyone had what we had. We really were meant for each other. We were soul mates. I knew from the moment we met. I will never experience what we had again. And that's ok. I am lucky to have had a piece of heaven with me for 2-3 yrs. I know most people in this world will live a lifetime and not have what we had. No way, no how. We had a spark, a connection that most people will never know. I loved you more than the world and you loved me back more than the world. We always told each other how much we loved each other and how beautiful the other was. We were so compassionate and caring. It was the kind that was true and genuine, the kind that melted my heart. Anyone who saw us together knew our love for each other was something special. People emulated our relationship. You would never treat me less than a queen. You had so much love and respect for me (and vice versa). I have never seen a relationship like ours. Never. That's what makes it so hard. We did not have an ordinary love. We had something that I know I will never get to experience again. I will be able to enjoy that feeling again when I am in heaven, but I know it won't happen again on earth. And I really don't mind that. I feel fortunate that God picked me to be blessed by you. I don't know why it was so short, but it was something I will always cherish and I will always hold you near and dear to my heart. You touched me and our memories can't be taken. Even though it hurts me so to reminisce...knowing that I won't feel that again here on earth...I realize that what we shared was unlike anything anyone here on earth knows. It truly was heavenly and spiritual. Our souls came together and meshed as one, we were that close. Now your soul is gone and I am nothing but a shell. I feel hollow without you. Life goes on and so am I, but I feel different now. You filled a void I didn't even know I had and now that you're gone I'm empy. Part of me is empty. It will never be filled again. I want you to know that I am sure of what we had and how special it was. I really will always love you and what we shared. I think you are the most beautifulest person I have ever (and will ever) met. Sometimes I still can't believe you picked me. You could have had anyone and you picked me. And I think that the way our paths crossed meant something. It really was meant for us to be with each other. It was just so damn short and that tears my heart up. I wanted to grow old with you. I wanted to share everything with you. I was spoiled by you. Nothing will ever compare. The kind of person you were was just so amazing and perfect, how could not everyone love you. You drew people towards you, it really was like you were an angel or a piece of heaven. Everyone wanted a piece of you. How lucky was I to be able to truly experience you and share so deeply with you. You never shared so much of yourself before and neither had I. We were both so amazed at how easy it was for us. How we just flowed, how we melted into each other. We really did just become one. There was no doubt we were meant to be. I will try not to think about what more we should've had together, but I will think of the deepness of our love and how lucky I am to have loved you and you loved me. What an experience. It was something truly amazing and I mean it when I say I really did experience heaven on earth. You were my piece of heaven. You were my angel sent from above and you were my heaven on earth. Honey, I do love you now as much or more than I ever did. Even though you're not physically here, you are in here in thoughts, memories and spirit. I am married to you. You are my one and only. I am so enamored by you still. My love will never die, you will always hold my heart. I miss you tremendously and while it hurts so, so deep, I will think of the day we will be reunited and it will carry me day to day. Please don't forget about me. I hope you still think of me and love me. I can't wait to be with you again. It keeps me going. I love you forever and ever, always and eternally. So much love words can't do it justice....always, always, always....til we meet again. Your baby girl.

Taurus & Pisces

Pisces The Fishes
February 20 to March 20

Positive Aspects:
Imaginative and sensitive
Compassionate and kind
Selfless and unworldly
Intuitive and sympathetic

Negative Aspects:
Escapist and idealistic
Secretive and vague
Weak-willed and easily led

Pisces is one of the less flamboyant signs. Pisceans possess a gentle, patient, malleable nature. They have many generous qualities and are friendly, good natured, kind and compassionate, sensitive to the feelings of those around them, and respond with the utmost sympathy and tact to any suffering they encounter.

They are deservedly popular with all kinds of people, partly because their easygoing, affectionate, submissive natures offer no threat or challenge to stronger and more exuberant characters. They accept the people around them and the circumstances in which they find themselves rather than trying to adapt them to suit themselves, and they patiently wait for problems to sort themselves out rather than take the initiative in solving them. They are more readily concerned with the problems of others than with their own.

They are apt to live a shiftless sort of life, searching for some career in which they can really find themselves, but being easily discouraged they become despondent, feeling unappreciated and moving on to something or someone else. They also dislike disciple and confinement within routine the nine-to-five life is not for them.

Pisceans are versatile and intuitive, have quick understanding, observe and listen well, and are receptive to new ideas and atmospheres.

They are never egotistical in their personal relationships and give more than they ask from their friends. They are sexually delicate, in the extreme almost asexual, and most Pisceans would want a relationship in which the partner's mind and spirit rather than the body resonated with their own. They are nevertheless intensely loyal and home-loving and will remain faithful.

In their employment they are better working either by themselves or in subordinate positions. Their talents are individual in a commercial business or similar undertaking.

Their sympathy equips them for work in charities catering for the needy, as nurses looking after the sick and as veterinary surgeons caring for animals. Pisceans find their fulfillment on the stage. Pisceans often simultaneously follow more than one occupation.

Taurus The Bull
April 21 to May 20

Positive Traits:
Patient, reliable, warmhearted, loving,
persistent, determined, placid, security

Negative Traits:
Jealous
possessive
resentful
inflexible
self-indulgent
greed
stubborness

The Taurean's characteristics are solidity, practicality, extreme determination and strength of will - no one will ever drive them, but they will willingly and loyally follow a leader they trust. They are stable, balanced, conservative good, law-abiding citizens and lovers of peace, they have a sense of material values, respect for property and a horror of falling into debt, they will do everything in their power to maintain the security of the status quo and be stupidly hostile to change.

Mentally, they are keen-witted and practical rather than intellectual, but apt to become fixed in their opinions through their preference for following accepted and reliable patterns of experience. Their character is generally dependable, steadfast, prudent, just, firm and unshaken in the face of difficulties. Their vices arise from their virtues, going to extremes such as being too slavish to the conventions they admire, obstinately and exasperatingly self-righteous, unoriginal, rigid, ultraconservative, argumentative, querulous bores, stuck in a self-centered rut. They need someone to like their egos with a frequent, "Well Done!"

They are faithful and generous friends with a great capacity for affection, but rarely make friends with anyone outside their social rank, to which they are ordinarily excessively faithful. In the main, they are gentle, even tempered, good natured, modest and slow to anger, disliking quarrelling and avoiding ill-feeling. If they are provoked, however, they can explode into violent outbursts of ferocious anger in which they seem to lose all self-control. Equally unexpected are their occasional sallies into humor and exhibitions of fun.

Although their physical appearance may belie it, they have a strong aesthetic taste, enjoying art, for which they may have a talent, beauty and music. They may have a strong, sometimes unconventional, religious faith. Allied to their taste for all things beautiful is a love for the good things of life pleasure, comfort, luxury and good food and wine and they may have to resist the temptation to over indulgence, leading to drunkenness, gross sensuality, and covetousness.

In their work, Taureans are industrious and good craftsmen, and are not afraid of getting their hands dirty. They are reliable, practical, methodical and ambitious, within a framework of obedience to superiors. They are at their best in routine positions of trust and responsibility, where there is little need of urgency and even less risk of change, and a pension at the end. Yet they are creative and good founders of enterprises where the rewards of their productiveness some from their own work and not that of others.

They can flourish in many different trades and professions: banking, architecture, building, almost any form of bureaucracy, auctioneering, farming, medicine, chemistry, industry Taureans make good managers and foremen surveying, insurance, education and, perhaps surprisingly, music and sculpture. They make an ideal trustee or guardian. Some Taureans are gifted enough in singing to become opera stars or to excel in more popular types of music.

They are more than averagely amorous and sensually self-conscious, but sexually straightforward. They make constant, faithful, home loving spouses and thoughtful, kindly parents, demanding too much of neither their spouses nor children. They can be over possessive. If anyone offends their amore proper they can be a determined enemy, though magnanimous in forgiveness if their opponent makes an effort to meet them halfway.

---

Love

LOVE

"It never dies no matter what separates our souls.

"We are eternally joined . . . "

You & Me

Every now and again you meet a couple who have been blessed to have spend
their lifetime with their soul mate!

This was supposed to be you and me.....I truly, honestly believed we were going to grow old together....holding hands always....you were my soul mate. I love and miss you.

Sometimes I Get Sad

I'm Ready

So I'm ready to die...I'm ready to leave this earth and be with you. I've got all my journals in order so when I die people can read them. I guess really the only thing I need to do is leave a sort of will of who gets everything and put my password for my computer somewhere so people can access my will.

i went to ----'s graduation on sunday. i left at 430 am and drove all the way to klamath falls, it really sucked. i was sad cuz we were supposed to be together. i drove down all the roads we'd driven together. sucks cuz we have a lot of memories in oregon. all the way to waitsburg sucks cuz it reminded me of staying with you. i drove by the rv park we stayed in. dayton sucked...that's where we met the time I stayed with you down there, that's where we went to the internet cafe, that's where we went to dinner a couple nights, that's where we went to the convenient stores, that's where we got gas, that's where we ate breakfast and saw the st. bernard. urrrggh, it sucks! then driving down along the river is like when we went to mallawa together. then when i turned down 97 it was like when we went and stayed in crescent together. i drove through crescent and the little towns before it. remember going to the one town and looking in that store for some rain gear? we went to the other little town and got propane, groceries and dinner. i drove by the trail i ran on everyday in the snow and freezing ass cold, i drove by the convenient store that you got coffee at every morning, i drove by the road that led up to your service landing...remember when i visited you that one day, i drove by the restaurant we met josh and his friends and we had a beer or two, i drove by the restaurant we had dinner at with all the animal heads everywhere, i drove by the little store we got soup at, i drove by the sporting goods store we went in just cuz, of course drove by the rv park we stayed in at looked right at our site which was empty, thought of running across the way to shower every morning in that cold weather and snow. then down the road a ways we went to the other rv park to use their internet. ya know it just all sucked, sucked, sucked. super sucked. so bad sucked. it did then and it does now. too many memories...i miss you and everything we did together, i wish so bad we could've shared more...our whole lives together.

anyway finally made it to klamath falls at 330, went to the grad. sat with ----- and ---- and all the family. it was so neat to see -----, her eyes light up when she sees me and i love her so much. i wish i could save her from her situation. we sat together during the whole grad. i was so proud of ------...for you and me...i wish you were there...well, you probably were. i almost cried cuz i was sad you weren't there. we went to pizza afterwords and it was ok, i felt kind of weird, like out of place, but it went ok. finally left at 830 at night and drove home all night, stopping once to sleep at biggs for a couple hrs. driving home was just numbing, i cried a lot on the way down, so i guess i got it out of my system. got home and here i am. yesterday and thasmornin really sucked...just tired and numb. i fluxuate between being numb about it and in a zombie trance to being so sad and depressed, not wanting to do a thing. sometimes i think about you and i hate it so much, i hate the pain it makes me feel, it's a lot of anxiety and i just hate it, it hurts so bad. but then sometimes i'm just numb and i have no feelings...right now i can't focus on this email and i'm tired and i know i should go to be bed (i'll regret it tomorrow morning) but i don't want to go to sleep. last night i had a nightmare i was driving through a war zone with explosions and it was night time so you could see mortar fire and bullets all over the place, the flashing light of them. then i went in a house and --- was outside the window with a gun trying to find me to kill me. i went in the basement of the house for a long time but when i came back upstairs and peeked around the window he was still there with the gun pointing at the window waiting for me...then for whatever reason i woke up and i was really tired, sad and depressed already. i didn't want to go to work, but of course, i did and i felt better after i ran my 3 miles in the pouring rain. well life sucks without you, it's so empty and lonely. i feel like i have nothing now. i really do just wanna die and be with you. i will do my will tomorrow and then i will be good to go. i will pray for the lord to take me. i miss you. a lot. and i love you. a lot. life isn't the same without you...it's not fair. we loved each other so, so, so much. it was so true and so real. why would god do this to us and not some other crappy couple. i love you honey, please help me if you can and please don't forget about me. i can't stop thinking of you, i hope you still think of me...i hope you can see me or feel me. i love you honey bunny. xoxoxo

Honky Tonk

if u were here you'd get a kick outta this. mr cheeks knows this song by heart and can sing it all. he laughs at the slap your grandma part and he can't say his 'R's very good yet so when he sings 'get them britches on', he actually says 'get them bitches on'. it's so cute and funny!

Husslers shootin' eightball
Throwin' darts at the wall
Feelin' damn near 10 ft. tall
Here she comes, Lord help us all
Old T.W.'s girlfriend done slapped him out his chair
Poor ole boy, it ain't his fault
It's so hard not to stare
At (Miranda's)honky tonk badonkadonk
Keepin' perfect rhythm
Make ya wanna swing along
Got it goin' on
Like Donkey Kong
And ooo-wee
Shut my mouth, slap your grandma
There outta be a law
Get the Sheriff on the phone
Lord have mercy, how she even get them britches on with that
That honky tonk badonkadonk
(Aww son)

Now Honey, you can't blame her
For what her mama gave her
It ain't right to hate her
For workin' that money-maker
Band shuts down at two
But we're hangin' out till three
We hate to see her go
But love to watch her leave
With that honky tonk badonkadonk
Keepin' perfect rhythm
Make ya wanna swing along
Got it goin' on
Like Donkey Kong
And ooo-wee
Shut my mouth, slap your grandma
There outta be a law
Get the Sheriff on the phone
Lord have mercy, how she even get them britches on
With that honky tonk badonkadonk
(Ooh, that's what I'm talkin' bout right there honey)

We don't care bout the drinkin'
Barely listen to the band
Our hands, they start a shakin'
When she gets the urge to dance
Drivin' everybody crazy
You think you fell in love
Boys, you better keep your distance
You can look but you can't touch
That honkey tonk badonkadonk
Keepin' perfect rhythm
Make ya wanna swing along
Got it goin' on
Like Donkey Kong
And ooo-wee
Shut my mouth, slap your grandma
There outta be a law
Get the Sheriff on the phone
Lord have mercy, how she even get them britches on with that
That honky tonk badonkadonk

That honky tonk badonkadonk
Yeah, that honky tonk badonkadonk
That honky tonk badonkadonk


(That's it, boys, that's why we do what we do
It ain't for the money, it ain't for the glory, it ain't for the free whiskey, its for the badonkadonk)

i wish u could see hiim he's so cute

today was hard, i had to go up to ---- again today, this time to help --- teach. i cried on the way up and on the way down, several times. it was just an emotional day. i drove by your old place. i think someone is living there. the yard was mowed, the for rent sign was gone and there was a blue cooler out front. i wish you were still there. i really, really miss you and i just wish you could be here to hold/hug me forever...just make it go away and just make me feel better and tell me it's alright.

i'm getting really sad and tired...after this weekend (going to klamath falls for ---'s grad) i think i'm gonna say funk work and just take a break and go...maybe next weekend and into next week. i don't know, but i just need to get away. i don't know where, but i feel like i just need to get away. i wanna run away from this pain and all that has happened. i wanna run and run and run. i wanna go someplace where no one knows about it....where it never happened and i can just shove it down and keep shoving it down. i want to shove it down so far that it disappears and i never think of it again. i wish i could shove it all away forever and ever.

goin' ta bed now. love you lots....so much. so, so much. xoxoxo forever...always

Even More Catholic Prayers For The Dead

Short Texts

What will separate us from the love of Christ? Romans 8:35

Whether we live or die, we are the Lord's. Romans 14:8

We shall always be with the Lord. 1 Thessalonians 4:17

To you I lift up my soul, O Lord. Psalm 25:1

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

Even though I walk in the dark valley,
I fear no evil; for you are at my side. Psalm 23:4

Into your hands, Lord, I commend my spirit. Psalm 31:5a

Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom. Luke 23:42

Lord Jesus, receive my spirit. Acts 7:59

Holy Mary, pray for me.
Saint Joseph, Pray for me.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph,
assist me in my last agony.

---

Scripture Readings

Among many appropriate scripture readings are the following: Job 19:23-27; Psalm 23, Psalm 25, Psalm 91; Psalm 121; 1 John 4:16; Revelation 21:1-7; Matthew 25:1-13; Luke 22:39-46; Luke 23:44-49; Luke 24:1-8; John 6:37-40; John 14:1 6, 23, 27.

---

---

Prayers after Death
The following prayers may be prayed immediately after death
and may be repeated in the hours that follow.

Saints of God, come to his/her aid!
Come to meet him/her, angels of the Lord!
[Response] Receive his/her soul and present him/her to God the Most High.

May Christ, who called you, take you to himself;
may angels lead you to Abraham's side. [Response] Receive . . .

Give him/her eternal rest, O Lord,
and may your light shine on him/her for ever. [Response] Receive . . .

Let us Pray.

All-powerful and merciful God,
we commend to you, N., your servant.
In your mercy and love,
blot out all the sins he/she has committed through human weakness.
In this world he/ she has died: let him/her live with you for ever.

We ask this through Christ our Lord.

AMEN.

These verses may also be used.

V/. Eternal rest grant unot him/her, O Lord.
R/. And let perpetual light shine upon him/her.

V/. May he/she rest in peace.

R/. Amen.

V/. May his/her soul and the souls of all the faithful departed,
through the mercy of God, rest in peace.

R/. Amen.

More Catholic Prayers For The Dead

Catholic Prayers for the Dead.

Embracing Death as a Friend
from a speech at Georgetown University Sept. 9th 1996
by Joseph Cardinal Bernardin

". . .As a person of faith, of resurrection faith, I see death as a friend, not a foe; and the experience of death is, I am convinced, a transition from life to life, from grace to glory."

My Jesus have mercy on the Soul of (NAME).

O Gentlest heart of Jesus,
ever present in the Blessed Sacrament,
ever consumed with burning love for the poor captive souls in Purgatory
have mercy on the soul of Thy departed servant.
Be not severe in Thy judgment but let some drops of Thy Precious Blood fall upon the devouring flames,
and do Thou O merciful Saviour send the angels to conduct (HIM, HER) to a place of refreshment, light and peace. Amen.

Incline Thine ear, O Lord, unto our prayers,
wherein we humbly pray Thee
to show Thy mercy upon the soul of Thy servant (NAME), whom Thou hast commanded to pass out of this world,
that Thou wouldst place him in the region of peace and light,
and bid him be partaker with Thy Saints.
Through Christ our Lord. Amen.

"We have loved him during life,
let us not abandon him,
until we have conducted him by our prayers
into the house of the Lord." Saint Ambrose

Eternal rest grant unto them O Lord,
And let perpetual Light shine upon them.
May their souls
And the souls of all the faithful departed
Through the mercy of God
Rest in peace.
Amen.

Gentlest Heart of Jesus,
ever present in the Blessed Sacrament, ever consumed with burning love for the poor captives souls in Purgatory,
have mercy on the soul of Thy servant, (NAME);
bring (HER, HIM) from the shadows of exile to Thy bright home in Heaven,
where we trust Thou and Thy Blessed Mother have woven for her a crown of unfading bliss. Amen.

Our Lady of Lourds, pray for (HER, HIM).

O loving God . . . I pray you to welcome my deceased family,
friends, loved ones into heaven with you. Forgive them their sins
and reward them their goodness. Grant that I may be with them again
in your Peaceful presence.
Amen.

O God our Father,
Creator of all the living, we entrust to Your gentle care all those we love who have gone before us;
and have gone to their rest in the hope of rising again.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

O God, Creator and Redeemer of all the faithful,
grant to the souls of our departed loved ones,
the remission of all their sins,
that by means of our pious supplications, they may obtain the joy of heaven which they have earnestly desired.
We ask this through Christ our Lord.
Amen.

Let us Pray:
Merciful Father, hear our prayer and console us. As we renew our faith in your Son,
whom you raised from the dead, strengthen our hope that all of our departed brothers and sisters
will share in his resurrection,
who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit,
one God, for ever and ever.
Amen.

Scripture References concerning the dead, prayer, intercessory prayer, judgment, bible quotes for grave markers, etc. (Douay-Rheims Bible.)

Psalm 91
Psalm 90
Psalm 23
Psalm 121
2 Machabees 12: 38-46
Apocalypse 20: 11-13
Apocalypse 5: 8
Apocalypse 21: 27
Romans 2: 2-8
Romans 15: 30
Ephesians 4: 3
Ephesians 6:18
Wisdom 3: 1-9
Colossians 3: 22-25
1 Peter 1: 17-21
1 Peter 3:18-20; 4:6
2 TimoThy: 15-18
Matthew 12: 36
Matthew 5: 26
Matthew 25: 41-46
Mark 10:14
Mark 10:16
John 13:19
John 11:25
Proverbs 12:2
Proverbs 31:30
1 Corinthians 3: 15
2 Thessalonians 3: 1-13
2 Thessalonians 1: 6-9
1 Thessalonians 4: 13-18
1 Thessalonians 5: 16-19
Galatians 5: 5-6
Michea 6: 8

( Psalm 116 ) NIV
1 I love the LORD , for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. 2 Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.

3 The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow. 4 Then I called on the name of the LORD : "O LORD , save me!"

5 The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. 6 The LORD protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me.

7 Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.

8 For you, O LORD , have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, 9 that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living. 10 I believed; therefore I said, "I am greatly afflicted." 11 And in my dismay I said, "All men are liars."

12 How can I repay the LORD for all his goodness to me? 13 I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the LORD . 14 I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people.

15 Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints. 16 O LORD , truly I am your servant; I am your servant, the son of your maidservant; you have freed me from my chains.

17 I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the LORD . 18 I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people, 19 in the courts of the house of the LORD - in your midst, O Jerusalem.

Praise the LORD. _____________________________________________
Gone Home.

He that overcometh shall inherit all things.

A little time on earth he spent Till God for Him, His angel sent.

Love is eternal.

My peace I leave you.

Christ is my Hope.

( Psalm 84:2-3 ) "How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of hosts! 3 My soul yearns and pines for the courts of the Lord..."

( Philippians 1:3-6 ) "...I give thanks to my God in all my rememberance of you, 4 always in all my prayers making supplications for you all with joy, 5 because of your association with me in spreading the gospel of Christ from the first day until now. 6 I am convinced of this, that he who has begun a good work in you will bring it to perfection until the day of Christ Jesus..." ( Douay-Rheims Bible )

( Romans 14: 7-9 ) "7. For none of us lives in himself, and none dies to himself; 8. for if we live, we live to the Lord, or if we die, we die to the Lord.
Therefore, whether we live or die, we are the Lord's. 9. For to this end Christ died and rose again, that he might be Lord both of the dead and of the living."

Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord.

Revelation 14:13
I, John, heard a voice from heaven say: "Write this: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on." "Yes," said the Spirit, "let them find rest from their labors, for their works accompany them."
The word of the Lord.

Many of those who sleep in the dust of the earth shall awake

Daniel 12:1-3 In those dats, I, Daniel, mourned
and heard this word of the Lord:
At that time there shall arise
Michael, the great prince,
guardian of your people;
It shall be a time unsurpassed in distress
since nations began until that time.
At that time your people shall escape,
everyone who is found written in the book.

Many of those who sleep in the dust of the earth shall awake;
Some shall live forever,
others shall be an everlasting horror and disgrace.
but the wise shall shine brightly
like the splendor of the firmament,
And those who lead the many to justice
shall be like the stars forever.

The word of the Lord.

An unsullied life, is the attainment of old age.

Wisdom 4:7-15 The just man,though he die early, shall be at rest.
for the age that is honorable comes not with the passing of time,
nor can it be measured in terms of years.
Rather, understanding is the hoary crown of men,
and an unsullied life, the attainment of old age.
He who pleased God was loved;
he who lived amongst sinners was transported -
Snatched away, lest wickedness pervert the mind
or deceit beguile the soul.
For the witchery of paltry things obscures what is right
and the whirl of desire transforms the innocent mind.
Having become perfect in a short while,
he reached the fullness of a short career;
for his soul was pleasing to the Lord,
therefore he sped him out of the midst of wickedness.
but the people saw and did not understand,
nor did they take this into account.

the word of the Lord.

Thus we shall always be with the Lord.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

We do not want you to be unaware, brothers and sisters, about
those who have fallen asleep, so that you may not grieve like the rest,
who have no hope. for if we believe that Jesus died and rose,

fallen asleep. Indeed, we tell you this, on the word of the Lord, that
we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will
surely not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself,
with a word of command, will come down from heaven, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are left, will be
caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air.
Thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore, console one another with these words.

The word of the Lord.

We have a building from God, eternal in Heaven

2 Corinthians 5:1, 6-10

Brothers and Sisters:
We know that if our earthly dwelling, a tent, should be destroyed,
we have a building from God, a dwelling not made with hands,
eternal in heaven.

we are always courageous, although we know that while we are at
home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith,
not by sight. Yet we are courageous, and we would rather leave the body and go home to the Lord.
Therefore, we aspire to please him, whether we are at home or away.
for we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ,
so that each may receive recompense, according to what he did in the body,
whether good or evil.

The word of the Lord.

Bible Prayer Eccles. 12:7

"Then shall the dust return to the earth whence it came, and the spirit shall return unto God who gave it." Peace be with you, all whom death has united in this field, the last home of so many departed ones. Peace will be with your souls, which have been recalled by the voice of God to eternal life.
Amen.

The Mourner's Kaddish (Jewish)

Extrolled and hallowed be the name of G-d throught the world which He has created, and which He governs according to His righteous will. Just is He in all His ways, and wise are all His decrees. May His kingdom come and His will be done in all the earth.
Praised be the Lord of life, the righteous Judge, for evermore.

Whatsoever praise we would render unto G-d, howsoever we would adore the Most High, we would yet fail to give Him the glory due to His great name.
Even in the hour of bereavement and sorrow, we feel the majesty of G-d and will give thanks for His manifold mercies.

May the Father of peace send peace to all who mourn and comfort all the bereaved among us.

To the departed whom we now remember, may peace and bliss be granted in life eternal. May they find grace and mercy before the Lord of heaven and earth. May their souls rejoice in the ineffable good which G-d has laid up for those who fear Him, and may their memory be a blessing unto those who treasure it.
Amen.

Memorial of The Departed ( Father or Mother ) (Jewish)

May G-d remember the soul of my honored Father, who has gone to his eternal home. O let his soul be bound up in the bond of life, and may he rest in honor, with fullness at thy right hand for evermore.
Amen.