You, Me & Our Little Angel

Thank you so, so, so, so, so, so much for the dream last night. I don't remember any of it except it was you, me and -----. That is fine with me though (not remembering), I was getting worried because I hadn't had a dream with you in it for awhile and I thought you had left me for good. All I care about is that I know you are still out there somewhere. As long as I keep having dreams about you, I know you are okay. And what a better dream than the three of us together. Thanks hon, it's the best anniversary present I could get from you, considering the circumstances. You always were a thoughtful guy, putting others first. I love you hon and you've just made my day and it hasn't even begun. Thanks for being the light in my darkness - love you forever my K-dub. xoxox

Our Anniversary Kind Of

So today was our day that we should have gotten married if you look at it from the standpoint that it was Saturday last year on Memorial weekend. So it's kind of a year, I guess tomorrow is the real date. So I woke up and went for a nice run. Got home, did some laundry, cleaned a little and then took off for the church. Just like last year there were a lot of people there because of it being Memorial weekend and the cemetery being there. I pulled up and let myself into the church. The first thing I did was just stand there and think one year ago this was supposed to be us. I was supposed to be standing here looking at a gorgeous man at the other end of the aisle. We were supposed to be together forever under the covenant of God. I started crying immediately. Right now as I type this I'm fine. I think I got all my emotions out yesterday. I walked down the aisle and imagined that it would have been packed with people, Elaine would have been playing the wedding march, you would have been standing there with that beautiful grin on your face. We would have been lost in each others eyes; in our own little world. I thought about it until I was crying too much and then I sat in the pew and read prayers out of my prayer book. As I was in there a lady with her two grandchildren came in. She played the piano and the girls listened to her. It was nice, she played it very well. I overheard her tell her grandchildren she used to go to church there. I kept saying prayers. I was there for about a half n hour before I stood up and went to where you and I would have been standing, I closed my eyes and tried so hard to see your face and you in a suit/tux. I started crying again. It should've happened honey. We should be married right now. Why couldn't God at least waited until after we were married. I wanted more than anything ever to be your wife. I couldn't even get that. We were so close. I thought about having to drive back to Seattle to take my wedding dress back. How many people ever have to do that in their life? I thought about having to send our invitations back. You didn't even get to see them, they came the day after you died. Did you know we got a congratulations letter from Nordstroms, a congrats letter on our marriage. Sucks. I eventually left so I could make it to --- in time for my tattoo appointment. I randomly selected a tattoo place out of the phone book. At first I called the only place in ----, but they couldn't get me in until Tuesday. So I ditched them and went for the --- phonebook. I picked the first one that popped out at me and figured you or God would be guiding my decision. It was the only one that had a little mini box around their name and phone number, so I figured if they took the time to look professional in the phone book they would be okay. After I talked to the guy, I looked at the address and it was at the end of S---- and I thought, Oh great, the ghetto part of town. haha, how good could they be, but then again I thought, God wouldn't steer me wrong in something as major/meaningful as this. So my appt. was at 2, I get there and the guy seems pretty cool. He made my drawing a little bigger so the ink wouldn't run together over time (years) and we both agreed we were good to go. A different guy did my tattoo. Dan was his name. He did some additional touches to it. I had a plain cross. He added the cracks in it, colored it white (although you won't be able to see that until it completely heals) and put the shadows on it. All for free. The longer he took, the more we talked and I think the more we clicked. I think that's why he hooked me up with more than what I paid for. I think it's cool and I'm so proud to have this over my heart. I see it everyday and it's a reminder of you.

"of blessed/happy memories" is what the latin in the cross means. I thought latin would be cool because to me it symbolizes catholicism. i know it's a sin to get a tattoo, but I just had to. I'll go to confession (some day) :) and take care of that. I'm sure God will understand. :D The cross has got to count for something. The guys said if I brought people in they'd give me a super good deal on my next tat. I want two more. One underneath our wedding ring - basically a wedding ring tattoo with your initials or something like that, I haven't thought about that one too much and then the chicky poo & honey bunny from your memorial page. I haven't picked which one yet, probably the one in the clouds to symbolize us together in Heaven. I'll get that one on my hip, probably next year, either on the day you died or our anniversary. I'll save the wedding ring one for year 3, assuming I'm still around then. That will give me plenty of time to contemplate if that's something I want permanent. After my tat, I drove over by our old house, parked my car and went for a walk around the block in our old neighborhood. Our yard is overgrown with a lot of dandelions and it's weird, the new owners have a cooler just like ours sitting in the same spot ours was. Same color and everything, makes me think it's all better and I can just walk up in there and it will all be a bad dream. As I was walking around the block I called --- to tell her about Huggiez, my dinner with --- and to tell her about my tattoo. We eventually got on the subject of you and she asked if I really thought I'd never marry again. So I told her all my reasons why I knew I wouldn't. Of course, I don't eliminate any possibilities and I suppose I say that to people to shut them up, but in my mind, it seems impossible. I can't fathom anyone else ever in my life, it gives me the heebie jeebies. I can't even see how it would be possible to fall in love with anyone else besides you. I've talked about all this before, so I don't need to rehash it. ---- brought up, "wouldn't ---- want you to get married, be happy and have kids" You better not want that! I know you told ---- all you ever wanted for me if you died was to be happy - whatever that entailed. So that's what I try my best to be. Happiness doesn't mean I have to be in love, married, or have kids. I just think poor ---- associates me being single for the rest of my life with unhappiness or loneliness. I actually look forward to being old and alone. I wish I could fast forward time and be a retired old lady down in AZ just chillin. The nice thing about ---- is that she at least asks me questions like that and questions my beliefs and makes me think, I suppose that's why she's my best friend (besides you). Anyway, we had a good talk and we were talking as I walked by our place both times. I never really had a chance to let any emotions sink in about it. From there I drove down to our property. All the trees I planted last year died, which didn't surprise me considering the dry spell we had right after I planted them and me being in AZ unable to water them. Whoops, oh well, it's not like I have to pay for any of those trees and I have an endless supply so I'll keep planting more and more trees on our place until they finally take. Guess what? The tree I got for you from your funeral is dying too. Bummer. I thought I planted that one in a good spot, close enough to the creek and it was a lot more mature than the others. How could I kill a tree like that? Especially look at my job and I can't even keep a tree alive! :) Forgive me for that one. I will buy another one that's better anyway and plant it. A lilac, dogwood or something that's pretty with flowers. That's more like you, not a Doug Fir (weed of the forest). I sat on the dam and looked over where we were one week from breaking ground on our house. Everything about us was so close. I wondered what our property would look like a year later. Would our house be done? Would we have custody of -----? Would we be living there right now? Would I be commuting or would I even be working here? Where would you be working? Would our pond be done? Would you have gotten rid of that junker car? haha. Oh honey, I look at that old piece of junk and shake my head at you, yet laugh at the same time. Now I've got to get rid of that somehow! So I sat on the dam for awhile. I remember last year opening your pre-wedding present in that same spot. I was sooooo numb to everything back then. I guess that's how I've changed, I'm not so numb, but I sure wish I was. I almost like that stage better. Sometimes now, you feel so far away and I hate it. I absolutely hate growing apart like this! I eventually drove home and that was the end of my day. I can't remember anything else that I wanted to talk about. Tomorrow I will write you an anniversary letter since it's our official anniversary. I'm going to church and then probably someplace to lose myself in my laptop downloading some more music. I love you so much honey and I'm glad I had you to share this day with. Even though you weren't here physically I know you were with me. I can still feel you. I was thinking that today too. I much rather prefer to be by myself because at least by myself there are times when I know you are sitting beside me or just there. When I'm with people I can't feel you, needless to say, that is why I like being by myself so much, so I can be with you in a sense. Anyway honey, it's getting late and I'm going to bed. I love you more than anything ever and I can't wait until we get to see each other again! Love you forever and ever, your babygirl.

Life

Hey hon. I'm so busy I'm not sure if I've written to you about this. So I've been writing you letters for what? 1 year and 2 months now. 340 letters. Haha, that's love huh? Okay, so I do it for me and no one else. I don't know why I even put them in a blog. Maybe someone else who has lost a loved one can read what I go through and maybe they can see what they are going through is "normal" because someone else has the same feelings. I don't know, I just put it in a blog. Maybe cuz it's the "hip" thing to be doing....having your own blog. hah. So not only do I fill up your email account with tons of letters, I put them on the web for everyone to read. So my intent was just a way to keep talking to you and it just happened to be email/blog. I never cared if anyone in the whole world ever read this blog, but someone has. It's been over one year and one person in this whole world has stumbled across it. So what are the odds that this one person lives in Dayview and not only that, but owns the place where the crew was staying. That blows my mind, yet it doesn't. To me it's God working in yet another amazing way. Isn't that crazy hon? This is an exert: I am praying tonight for someone I have never met, I don't even know her name. I came upon her blog last night. It was linked to the word Dayville because her husband died a year ago in a helicopter crash while logging just outside of town. The logging crew was staying at our place and we hadn't met this pilot, he was just filling in so the regular pilot could have a rest. This women writes anonymously and she is so deep in grief it is really heart wrenching. Her blog address is http://bluleader.blogspot.com if you care to visit it and pray for her too.
On top of that what I find ironic is I wish everyday that I could die so I could be with you. As I was running a week or so ago I was thinking, how awesome would it be for me to get diagnosed with some terminal disease. Or get cancer and only have 3 months to live or 6 months or whatever. I would celebrate, get no treatment whatsoever and count down the days to be with you. Look how the person who views my blog has cancer and to them it's horrible (which it is). And here I am wishing it could happen to me. I guess it's funny when you got something to live for, you wanna live, but when your something to live for is in Heaven, you can't get there fast enough. Isn't it funny how people view the same thing so different. I obviously don't want to downplay cancer, anyone who has it and their pain associated with it, no doubt it's something so awful. I'm just saying, one person views it as something terrible, while I'd be in those shoes in a second if given the opportunity. Life is interesting. Well, the nice thing is this person has said a prayer for me (maybe more) and even typed the name of the blog in there. Not that advertisement of the blog is important, but it was nice and the prayer was even nicer. There are some nice people out there, so if you can work some magic up there and help out our Dayview person, you should. Send a memo to God or something, would ya? :) Just like I would do anything to eliminate the pain of this, their pain runs just as deep and any prayers or help to end their suffering would help. I love you honey. You're always on my mind and you'll always be my one & only. On a side note tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. I've called --- and she says the church is always open, so I want to go there and just walk down that aisle and imagine how you, "the most beautifullest man in the world" would have looked. I will bawl my eyes out, but I would've anyway, so it will be just like we were getting married. After that I'm going to go check on our property, probably write you a nice wedding anniversary letter while I'm there and finally head to ---. I have an appt. to get my tattoo at 2. I'm kind of nervous, only because I want it to be so perfect like you. This will have a lot of meaning for me and if it's not good, I'll be really disappointed. Once it's done though, I'm already imaging looking at it in admiration forever. I can't wait. I've tried calling ---, but no answer and no return call. Who knows where --- has taken her??? Our poor little angel, I shudder to think of what could be happening or where she could be. I pray so hard for her to be okay. And I hope she never thinks I don't love her since I can't talk to her as much as I'd like. I hope she never thinks I don't care or love her. She needs me and I need her. I love her so much, I just hope she knows that. I could tell her over and over, but I just hope she knows how much I really do. Actions speak louder than words and it's kind of hard to show her when her mom disappears with her. :( I trust that the man upstairs has it all under control and only he can see the big picture in this, so I try to have faith, yet it's still hard to not worry about poor lil' ---. Okay, I'm going to call it a night or maybe download a new CD or two and just chill. I love you more than anything in this whole world and I can't wait to see you again!! Just one hug would be worth leaving this earth. I can't wait!! Love you forever and ever my honey bunny. Your chicky poo baby girl. :)

Where Are You???

So I spent a good portion of my dream last night looking for you. Everywhere. Of course, I couldn't find you. I was at my old college for bball practice, same coach, some of the same players, but a lot of new, young players. I was always a step behind. My passes were off. My shot was off. Everyone beat me in the sprints. I was frustrated. I was looking for you there. Some girl made fun of one of my air balls and I grabbed her by the jersey and through her up against a wall. I said to her "don't make me have to kill you" (Hmmm, some pent of aggression) So I was mad I couldn't find you there, so then I was in the country and it was very barren and it was an abandoned old farm. It was dry and dusty. I looked everywhere for you there and couldn't find you. Then I was at a birthday party looking for you. My old coach was there, family, old teammates and old high school classmates, but I still wasn't happy because you weren't there, so I left looking for you. I was at my old high school next and you weren't anywhere to be found, so I kept walking into the country. I was in the fields and looking out into the rolling hills and I opened up my phone and tried calling you and your phone was disconnected. I was worried and scared because I thought for sure the reason I couldn't find you was because you were working, so I thought if I just talked to you it would be okay. But once it said your phone was disconnected I got really sad because I thought you left me because you didn't want to be with me anymore. You were avoiding me and trying to get away. So I had this overwhelming sadness come over me and then I woke up. And yep, I checked and you still weren't laying next to me. Three more days until our first anniversary. One of the girls on the crew wants to hang out with me this weekend and she especially wants to get a tattoo with me, but I can't bring myself to tell her why this weekend is special to us and I'd like to be alone, so I've just been brushing her off. She asked what my tattoo was going to be and all I told her was it's one of those tattoos with meaning and I'll show ya when I get back. I feel bad because she's really cool and I'd like to hang out with her, but I don't want to bring you up and hear the same ol' I'm so, so sorry and then the person is uncomfortable around me. Anyhow, I feel really sad right now because even though it was just a dream those feelings still carry over to when I'm awake and now I've got to spend half the morning trying to shake this. Hopefully, I'll run it out. That always seems to make things go away or make me feel better. But hey hon, c'mon can't you come to me one more time in a dream. It's been awhile and I miss that. Well, I've gotta get ready for work. One more day to make it through and then I get my four day weekend!!! Oh yeah, I'm going to fast for you the whole weekend, how cool will that be to only receive communion on Sunday. I'll only have the body & blood of Christ to sustain me. And I will really focus on prayer this weekend too. Okay, hon, I gotta go. As always, you are my everything and I miss you so, so much. And you are the most amazing human being I have ever met. Someday we'll be back together again. Love you my K-dub!! Big hugs n kisses, Your Babygirl

Bereavement study: homework assignment 4

Homework assignment 4

Please imagine that a good friend of yours has recently suffered a similar loss to the one you have. In this fourth writing task we would like you to write a letter of advice to this friend. Try to use the following points in writing this letter.

1. What moments were especially difficult for you during and since your loss? Maybe you can offer your friend the same advice that you would like to have had during those difficult moments.
2. Try to think back to writing tasks 1 through 3. What issues did you write about? Perhaps you could also pay some attention to these issues in your letter.
3. Suppose your friend has the same attitude toward important things (such as life, the future) as you yourself had following the death of your partner. Would you try to change your friend’s attitude? Why or why not?
4. Is your friend likely to be having any unhelpful thoughts with respect to the loss? If so, what alternative, helpful thoughts can you offer to your friend?
5. Is there something to be learned in time from what your friend has been through? If so, what can be learned from it?

Dear Friend, I’m sorry to hear about your recent loss. You will encounter much difficulty during this trying time. The first few months may seem like the worst ones, but in my mind they were the best ones. You’re probably thinking that sounds crazy at this point in time, but let me explain. When it first happens, as you know, you are very numbed to what has happened and to life in general. You will be like a zombie. You make it through everyday. You don’t know how, but you will. Don’t even wonder, it just happens. This is the time that someone could tell you to dive into a brick wall and you would just say okay because you don’t have a clue what’s going on. Nothing will matter. Why do I think this is so great, because as time goes on the reality begins to set in more and more, which means so does the pain. Maybe it will be a personal call for you – numbness vs. pain. Personally, I liked being numb and out of touch with reality. It will be difficult to get out of bed every morning, it will be difficult to shower everyday or even care about your hygiene or what you look like. You won’t even think to eat. Your basic survival instincts will kick in, you won’t be thinking about anything else in your life. Your bills will pile up, your dishes & laundry will pile up, you’ll lose weight. It’s hard to say how sleep will be. I slept fine, but that’s only because I was trying to take care of all his affairs and I ran myself into the ground everyday. Emotions & stress really drain a person. Some people can’t sleep at all and I did go through times like that when everything slowed down a bit. In fact, I didn’t want to sleep at all. Sleep met nightmares and going to bed met that would be all the sooner that I’d have to wake up another day without Kenny by my side. Everyday that passed felt like another day further away from Kenny. I hated that feeling. Waking up every morning is the worst. It’s a big dose of reality slapped across your face day after day after day. All you’ll want is for it all to be a bad dream and you’ll think maybe if I go to sleep tonight, tomorrow I’ll wake up and he’ll be next to me, but it never happens, so you have to deal with a horrible feeling every morning. But sometimes all you want to do is sleep. Sleep takes you away from reality. Sleep perchance to dream. A dream of your loved one will make your morning. Sometimes the dreams will be so real, you will swear you spent the night in his “world”. People will be all over trying to give you things and do things for you, which is great (sometimes). Personally, I didn’t mind people doing what they could for me, but I didn’t want to talk to them or see them. I just wanted to be alone. I guess that will depend on your personality. You will either wish they would just leave you alone, so you could grieve in privacy. Or you will be thankful for them. Sometimes it will be cool to talk about your loved one and sometimes you’ll just want people to shut up about it. You’ve had enough. But don’t worry those people that say “if you need anything let me know” will be gone in a few months. They won’t care anymore. Or if you do take people up on their offer, some will follow through and some won’t. You will also see that some people are scared shitless to talk to you about it or they will avoid you like the plague. Those are the best because I will make a point to bring up Kenny’s name just to watch them squirm. They act like it’s contagious. It’s like if I say Kenny’s name they will die. I guess you just have to try to remember that they are trying their best, even if you think they are an idiot; they don’t know how to act. But still, they will make you mad. Very few people can handle themselves normally around you. You will have to pretend like he never existed. Talking about him is a big taboo, people will shit their pants and learn really quick to avoid you. It’s best to act normal and never bring it up. That will make you suffer, but everyone around you will be “normal” and at least hang around you. If you start bawling and whining about “poor me” and talking endlessly about him, people will start to avoid you. I’ve seen it with another friend whose husband died close to the time of Kenny. I saw how she was and how people reacted and because of that I chose to keep it all in. Except when I wanted to be a smart ass and make people uncomfortable. Every little thing will set you off and make you mad. You will want to knock everyone out. You will be on the edge and always on the verge of either snapping or crying. You may want to feel like staying away from work, but it is an okay thing. As much as you hate getting up and getting ready in the morning, it will be helpful to be around people, no matter how ignorant they are. Yet there will be some that are very caring and understanding. They will make your work okay. All you want is to be able to relate to someone or something. You will want to know if you are normal. You will wish people could understand. You will be lucky if you can find someone who can relate, they will be helpful to you. You may try to read some books on grief and see what kind of ride you’re in for. They pretty much suck. Bunch of therapists who have more than likely never lost anyone close and yet they will tell you what stages you will go through and what is best for you. I probably read 10-15 grief/coping books and most of them were a disappointment. The best parts in all the books were peoples’ actual stories & feelings cuz you knew they got. You felt the same way! Yeah, that’s exactly how I feel. I enjoyed reading peoples own stories, not some therapists interpretation of how I should be feeling, so really I wouldn’t waste time on books. If you’re interested I’ll give you the one or two that were worth a damn. The Bible goes without saying. When you have nothing, you always have God. You will lean on the God more than you ever have before in your life. In fact, you will wonder how people make it through without faith. You may question why? But deep down, you know the answer. The only time I felt okay or any better than a smashed cat was when I was in church. I wish I didn’t live an hour away or I would’ve been there every night. Work offered up a free shrink, I certainly didn’t see the good in that. All she did was ask if I was eating, sleeping, working, exercising, had family & friends and did I feel there was someone I could talk to. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. “Well, you’re doing all you can do considering the circumstances.” Like they say in Starsky & Hutch, “you’re a real benefit to have.” I never went again. I suppose if you like to whine about your life and problems and want someone to listen to you, that’s the place to go, but really it did nothing for me. Really no one can do anything for you. It’s all on your shoulders. You control your destiny. Will you wallow in it and want a pity party from everyone or will you suck it up and eventually it will get better. Sure, it’s hell and it hurts, but we all know that depth of pain won’t last forever. Writing helped me. I email Kenny almost everyday and tell him how I feel. I could hate life that day or I could feel strong or I could ask a million why’s. Whatever I’m feeling that day I just write a letter to Kenny and send it to his email. It makes me feel better and I’ve just spared a friend from having to listen to me. That helped a lot. I guess just find a way to vent your emotions. Keep playing ball and exercising. It will give you just enough seratonin to maybe even pick up your laundry or shower or do a dish. It will help. Mainly just do whatever you want. Screw everybody because all of the sudden everyone will become an expert on what is best for you. You may not have the energy to say no or go against the flow, but just say ‘yes, I need this’ or ‘no, I don’t.’ Typically, people won’t question you. Do whatever YOU need to do to make YOU better. If you know you need to do something to get better, don’t let anyone else tell you different. You know. And finally, you will be a different person now. Your outlook on life will change, maybe dramatically, maybe just a little bit, but you will change the way you view things. What’s important in your life will change. You will feel lost, you will wonder what happened to the old you, but I’d be willing to bet that this new you is a new & improved version of your old self. Consider yourself changed for the better. Overall, my advice to you is to just be prepared for a wild rollercoaster ride of ups and downs, a change in your personality and priorities and don’t have expectations of what this will be like. It will all just happen and your life will slowly, but surely fall back into places. The pieces may not land in the same places, but give it time, they will. And what I think is the most important is just take it day to day, even minute to minute. Worrying about the future will not help. Just exist, God will show you the way. Peace.

Who Killed --------?

What a day. I need you hon. You have been on my mind all day. A quick run down of my day starting with the most recent: ----- just called me ...... finally. 2 months of phone calls to him!! He told me all about his situation in Tempe. That boy! I hang up the phone with ---- and I start crying. I think to myself. Why do I care so much. If I didn't care so much it wouldn't hurt. I know if I tell everyone at work his real situation, they will say to get rid of him. They don't want to mess with that kind of stuff. I'm the only one that will go to bat for that kid. This opportunity here is what will keep him straight, that's been proven the last five years. He was also ready to cry. He told me and I could hear it in his voice. I have never heard or seen him cry and he's had all sorts of friends, cousins and family die on the streets of D.C. I know I can't do anything for him, but pray and pray and pray. I know God's will will be done and all I can do is sit back and watch this play out. I want so bad for him to get back up here. This has scared the daylights out of him. I know him better than anyone and there is no doubt he is scared, hurting and desperate to get out of there. Sigh. So now in the meantime I have to figure out what I'm going to tell work, so they will wait another week for him. They are going to know I talked to him and want to know what's up. I'll be thinking and praying on that one tonight!
Our one year anniversary is coming up this weekend. If you were still alive we would be married, we would living in our new house, we would have custody of -----. We would've had it all. I'm going to our church this weekend and I'll peek in the window and envision what it would've been like to see you walking down that aisle. Even before you died, I pictured how it would all be and even then I cried because my vision of you walking down that aisle and us being joined under the covenant of God was the most beautiful thing I could've ever imagined on this earth. So I know when I peek in our church I will cry for what I only imagined, I can't even cry for what it was. Then I'll go to our property and check on your tree and make sure it's getting plenty of water and looking good. It will be interesting to see how they've developed around our property. I so look forward to the day when I can afford to build a small humble home on there. Someday honey, I will do it. I promise. Last I'll get a tattoo of a cross with "many blessed memories" KDG 67-06. Right over my heart. Many blessed memories will be in latin, I just can't remember off the top of my head how to spell that "Beatiade Memoriae" or something like that.
I talked to your mom today. It never fails, we always start talking about how great you were and we make each other cry. We laugh because we make each other cry. It's sad talking to your mom. I feel like we are two lost souls searching. She understands me and I understand her. She is the only one I can talk to about the way I feel or the things I do. As she is with me. She can only tell me now as I'm the "only one she has" (her words).
I talked to your dad. He really enjoyed the photo album I made for him. He only had two pictures of you and they were both old. One was of you topping a tree in Alaska. He said you had just broken your leg and he had told you over the phone, "you better not be up in those trees, let your leg heal" You assured him you were letting it heal and a week later he gets that picture of you. You always were so stubborn and driven. You had to be the best at everything! You're awesome!! Anyhow, your poor dad, we can't have your dad having only two pictures, so I made him a really nice album with over a hundred pictures of you. :) Apparently he heard that ---- and ---- are on the run. I should say ----. Poor ---- is just along for the ride. That poor girl. How can her world be so cruel? I would give anything to save our little angel. Even though I know God has a plan, why does it still feel so unfair. Ya' know I need you and your mom needs you, but we need you in a selfish way. I look at ---- and she NEEDS you. She really needs her dad. Sometimes I can't even cry for me when I think of poor -----. She is the one who needs you so much. It's such a dumb question and I know better to ask it, but why did God take you from her. Not me, not your mom, not your dad, but why ----. How can he leave her with nothing but negative when she's so young and has special needs. How can he leave her with an abusive mother? I know, but still I just have to ask. I can't imagine what you must think when you look down on what's happening to her. That poor girl. But then again, we all know that God has a plan for her and she has a purpose. It's just so hard to be so helpless and watch her mom do everything she can to set her up for failure.
Today we sawed out roads. I had my hoodie pulled tight around my face and apparently I looked like ----- on South Park. Little did the rookies know that your name is ---- or even that you existed in my life. They might not even know yet. Anyhow, they were saying, you look like ----. Who killed ----? Who killed -----? Ya know the famous line from the show. I mean, I don't blame them, they don't know about you or if they do, they don't know your name, so how are they to know what they are saying hits way close to home. Yeah, you're probably looking down laughing. Still, yet another moment I think of you. All day, every day.
Well, I am absolutely beat. I need to catch up on some sleep. I hope I can dream about you soon, it's been awhile hon. Those dreams always give me a much needed second wind. As always, I love you more than anything ever and I love you always and forever n ever n ever n ever!! Your babygirl. :D

Morning Kiss

I had a really vivid memory of kissing your cheek goodbye while you were sleeping. I was kinda groggy from staying up so late when I got up so as I went to get out of bed I kissed your angel bear and said I love you. My eyes were closed and I swear I saw you all curled up in bed and me on top of the covers all dressed ready to leave somewhere and I was leaning over you and kissing your cheek. It was stubbly and your hair was all messed up and I could even remember how you smelled. It was like for that one second when my eyes were closed I was back kissing you. I haven't had that memory or flashback yet, but now that I have I remember it now like it was yesterday. You were always so warm when I'd come in to kiss you. I wish so bad I could experience that again. Just once more. Just thought I'd tell ya hon. As usual you're my first thought in the morning. Oh yeah, whenever I'd kiss you goodbye and you were all cuddled up sleeping, I'd just look at you and I swear to God, there was no greater love. If you could've seen how I'd look at you when you were sleeping or if you could've just felt my love. It was an amazing thing. That's a great memory. I sure miss it. Gotta go now hon. I love you always n forever!! Your Baby Girl! xoxo

I LOVE YOU!!!

I just want to make sure that you know I love you so much honey. Sometimes it seems I only write you when I'm in a bad mood, so it might seem like I'm in a bad way all the time. Well, usually when I'm feeling okay I don't write, but when I feel hopeless, scared, sad or angry, that's when I need you honey. I write you because you're all I have (besides God). I should send you a lot more loving emails, just like back in the old days huh? Anyhow, that's the only reason for this one. It just seems lately I've been really bummed about this whole situation and I'm just feeling really weird. You feel further away from me than you've ever felt before and I don't like it one bit. I think it might be because I've been focusing on not thinking about you and our memories (sorry, it just hurts too much all the time), but I think it makes it worse if I don't think about you as often as I'd like, so forget that plan. Back to thinking about you all the time, no matter how much it hurts. As Public Enemy says, "Bring The Pain." Honey, you are the best ever and that will never change. I was thinking the other day that there is absolutely no man that is as kind or beautiful as you were/are. You broke the mold, most guys don't even come close to how beautiful you were/are. I was just thinking back to how you treated me like a queen and worshiped the ground I walked on, which was cool. But what was even cooler was returning the favor and treating you like a king and worshiping the ground you walked on. Boy, weren't we two love sick puppy dogs. People loved seeing us together because we were so happy. We sure set an example for a lot of people huh honey. I'm proud of that, I just wish we could've touched more people. I'm going to make myself cry (again, for the millionth time today). I better go to bed honey, it's late, I just had to make sure you knew I loved you more than anything ever in this whole world. And even though I say I want to die all the time, it's only because I just want to be with you again sooooo bad. It's not like I'm a suicidal basket case, it's just my desperation rearing it's ugly head. All I want is to be with you. I think if I waited 30 years for you I can be patient and wait for __ more years. I can wait. You're the best honey. I love you sooooo, sooooo much!! Your babygirl forever!!

Bubbly

Colbie Caillat Bubbly Lyrics

V1: I've been awake for a while now
you've got me feelin like a child now
cause every time i see your bubbly face
i get the tinglies in a silly place

C: It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

V2: The rain is fallin on my window pane
but we are hidin in a safer place
under the covers stayin dry and warm
you give me feelins that i adore

C: It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

B: What am i gonna say
when you make me feel this way
I just........mmmmmmmmmmm

C: It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

V3: I’ve been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
Cause every time you hold me in your arms
Im comfortable enough to feel your warmth

C: It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin shows
Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time
Holdin me tight

Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever, where ever, where ever you go…..

Die Die Die

Die Die Die
That's what I feel like
I ain't gonna lie
Ever since you left me
On that cold winter day
Life has no meaing
And love is a word of the past
Nothing will ever be the same
Without you here

I want to escape

And end this pain
That consumes my brain.
I wish you could be here to help me
But you can't
No one can help me
So I might as well Die Die Die Die

Confusion

I haven't emailed you in awhile. I guess I'm lost. Or confused. Or in some funky state of mind that I can't figure out. Just really, really confused and out of it. I feel sooooo weird. I don't feel like I'm here on this earth. Here in this moment. I feel like I'm floating and all drugged out or something. Something is not good with me and I don't know what it is. You have been non-existent in my life and so has God. Or at least it feels that way (I know he's always here). I don't know what I've been doing. I don't think about you except morning and night. Don't get me wrong I still cry about you everyday, but I'm not even trying to think about you, -----, your mom, your dad. I haven't called any of them. They've called and I just ignore it. I don't answer the phone (what's new). I don't want to go to work at all. I feel so all alone. Even around people, it's just another weird feeling, but I'd rather feel like this than the damn pain I suffer through day in and day out. Like usual, I just wish I was dead. I don't want to do anything, but what I'm doing now - download music and surf the net. I don't want a job. I don't want to be around people. Well, I take that back. I don't mind being around people, I just don't want to interact with them. It's actually cool to have people around, it's just not cool to actually have to talk to them. I know something's up cuz I drank last night and I did it around the new people who have only been here a week. I would never do that. Why did I do that? I don't drink all winter and then when I do decide to drink, I do it with two new underage kids around. I'm stupid. It's cuz I'm just not thinking. Maybe it's the only way for me to talk to them or feel comfortable around them. I'm dumb like that sometimes. I still think about you way too much even though I say I'm not thinking about you. All around the camp fire last night, things would come up and I'd space off for a second cuz whatever would come up would remind me of you. So I'm sure I look like an idiot all the time, spacing off cuz I start thinking of you. I just really hate this life now. I hate this life without you. I don't want to be here anymore. I just wish it wasn't like this. I wish I didn't lose you. I lost everything when I lost you. My hope, my dreams, my smile, my fun. Just everything. I lost it all man. I am some hollow shell and that is no joke. I feel like a frickin' zombie. I'm sorry, I don't even know what to write. I've lost everything. My will to live, to try, to be this or that. I just don't care about anything. You know what I care about most? My music collection. Yeah, how dumb. I know. I guess it's something. Well, it all sucks and I'm sure you've got to be all embarrassed looking down on me from Purg or Heaven or where ever you are. Sorry. I guess I think I do okay. I challenge others to do better. Peace out man. I love you. You feel soooooooooooo far away from me now. I hate that. Love you honey forever and ever. That will never end. Your babygirl forever. Hugs n kisses

One Year & Two Months

I have been so lost without you lately. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t feel right. I feel no connection with you whatsoever. I don’t know if it’s because you have gone onto better things than giving me signs and making me feel like you’re out there somewhere or it may be because I keep shoving it all back. I haven’t been thinking about you and kind of ignoring the fact of what happened. It’s like it is a part of me that everyone knows about and now that we have these new people working for us I am trying to be this happy, good supervisor type person. I am forced to focus on being happy & I have to care about my job or they will see right through me. I feel like some weird different person. I just flat out don’t think about you. In the morning and at night first thing, sure I do. I still cry for you everyday, either after running or before I go to bed. I almost feel too busy to think about you and when you do pop into my head, I make you go away. I can’t explain how I feel, but it is so weird. I just feel different now. I think I am thinking more about how long I may live and it’s going to be without you. I think I can’t be this miserable forever. I think I can’t feel this hopeless forever. But I also think, I have no purpose for living. What is there to live for? I pretty much still have this death wish. I want to die so bad. I don’t see how I could ever be happy with this life. It’s all about hurt, pain and death. It’s all around me. Mom and her disease, dad and his disease, they will die. Grandma is getting old, she will die. You died. Everyone who is close to me will just die. I don’t know what is so great about this life. Someone please tell me. There are great things in this life, like God’s creation of nature. Animals, sunsets, flowers, etc. But not living life itself. I see nothing constructive about living. I feel like I am in jail and I am putting in my time before I’m out. This is not fun for me, I always feel like I am going through the motions now without you. I have no purpose. Really. What is anyone’s purpose. It is to die. I have no reason to live. You gave me reason, you and your family gave me purpose. Yeah, it’s pretty selfish that your family doesn’t give me purpose now, but don’t worry cuz neither does mine. All my life is everyday is “get up and just make it through today”. That is no joke! That is my reality. To struggle everyday. Day after miserable day. I just don’t care. How easy do you think it is to wake up everyday fighting an uphill battle that will last the rest of my life. It’s hopeless. It’s helpless. You have taken everything from me. All of me went with you. God, I would give absolutely anything to have you back. I miss you soooo much. It is unbearable, I suppose that’s why I just stopped thinking about you. You cause pain. Endless pain, that hurts more and more everyday. I don’t know the answer except to pretend. Pretend like it never happened. Pretend like you don’t exist. Pretend like it doesn’t hurt. Pretend like it’s okay. Life is so fake. I hate pretending. Instead I want to curl up in a ball in some corner and fall asleep. And I never want to wake up again. I want this all to be over. I want this to have never happened. I want to not live with this pain everyday. I don’t want reality. I don’t want this life. I want to escape into your arms. I want you to give me the biggest hug I’ve ever gotten and say, “it’s okay now -----, it’s okay, it’s all over now, you can be happy again, there’s no more pain, it’s all over now” I want you to make it go away. No one else. I don’t think I can do it by myself. I need you to lean on. I needed more than I ever realized. I can’t explain how I could survive without you before I met you, but you changed me. Ever since I met you, I needed you. Now you are gone and I can’t do this honey. I need you more than ever and I can’t have you. You know, you are the first thing ever in my life I can’t have. And then to make matters worse, you are the one thing in my life that I want more than anything….ever! Anything I ever wanted in this life I got, I experienced, I achieved. And all the things I have not done I know in my heart I can do them. Examples, I know if I wanted to be a doctor I could. I know if I wanted to run a marathon I could. I know if I wanted to make the WNBA I could. I know if I wanted to become a millionaire I could. Everything in this earth is achievable and I can do it. I don’t believe I would ever fail to achieve anything. I believe that whatever I want I can get. Nothing in this world is out of reach. Just one thing, and that is you. You are the one thing in this whole world that there is no way I can have. I’ve never experienced not getting what I put my mind to. Maybe that’s what makes it so hard for me. I’ve never experienced failure, I’ve never experienced “no”. If I have there was always another way, another chance, alternative ways. There was always hope. I don’t even have that. Do you know what hope I hang on to? The hope that I will see you again in Heaven. But ya’ know what? Even that sucks for me because I think all love is equal in Heaven, I will love you just the same as Grandma ----- or Uncle -----. You won’t be anyone special in Heaven because we’re all going to be equal. So essentially, I will NEVER experience what we had ever again. None of it. I don’t even have that to look forward to. I have a hard time convincing myself that the love & happiness in Heaven will be so great & fulfilling that it won’t even matter. I want you to be someone special. I want us to have another chance. I want us to be like it used to be. We never had a chance honey. It’s not fair because we don’t even get to try again. I have to live the rest of my life in this hopeless loneliness. Which is fine, I can do it. I can do anything. I’m still alive and you’re not here. That’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Well, I’m still doing it. It’s a process. Sigh. So this is my year and two month letter to you. Yeah, things have changed, but I guarantee I don’t love you any less or miss you any less. I don’t know if love can get “more”, but I miss you more and more everyday. Probably because I need you more and more everyday. You are still my one and only. And I will wait for you, even if there is no promise of anything. Whats it matter anyway huh? We’re all gonna be happy in Heaven, so who cares what kind of hell I go through down here. I love you honey. I love you more than anything. You are the best thing that ever happened to me….ever!! I’ll see you in Heaven and I can’t wait. God, I can’t wait. Sending you the biggest hugs and kisses ever!! Your Baby Girl.

Bereavement study: homework assignment 3

Homework assignment 3

In this third writing task we would like you to describe helpful and unhelpful thoughts you might be having with respect to the loss of your partner. By helpful thoughts we mean thoughts that make it easier for you to deal with your grief. By unhelpful thoughts we mean negative thoughts that make it harder for you to come to terms with your sorrow. Helpful and unhelpful thoughts very often concern the way you think about yourself, your grief, your life, and the future. Below we will provide you with some examples of helpful and unhelpful thoughts by way of illustration.

helpful thought concerning yourself: I still have a lot to offer to other people.

unhelpful thought concerning yourself: Since my partner died, I am no good to anyone.

helpful thought concerning your grief: I can handle my grief even though it hurts very much.

unhelpful thought concerning your grief: If I let my emotions go, I will go crazy.

helpful thought concerning your life: My life has purpose, even though my partner has died.

unhelpful thought concerning your life: Since my partner died, my life is meaningless.

helpful thought concerning the future: It might take some time, but I am convinced things will get better.

unhelpful thought concerning the future: In the future I will never be really happy again.

We would like to ask you to try to identify helpful as well as unhelpful thoughts you might be having with respect to the loss of your partner. Please describe these thoughts, as well as the way these thoughts make you feel. When describing unhelpful thoughts try to think of and describe helpful thoughts they can be replaced with.

This task was hard for me because I don't believe I have any unhelpful thoughts. I've thought long and hard and what I can come up with is; Myself - I am an awesome person. I am confident always, successful, pretty, funny, smart and very personable. Tons have guys have always wanted to date me and I can take my pick of who I want, that has never been a problem. It's just that none were ever good enough until I met ----. :) I am great at my job, I have a better family than most people could even imagine, I'm known as the girl with friends all over the U.S. and having connections everywhere. Everything I've ever wanted I've achieved or gotten, not because I'm spoiled, far from it, but because I work very hard, so ----'s death doesn't change anything about myself. I still have all those qualities. I can't think of any unhelpful thoughts about me. I might be down about what has happened, but to me that is natural and I will heal on my time. I don't let it effect any of my relationships with friends, family, co-workers, job, etc. Grief - I have to agree with the above statement, "I can handle my grief even though it hurts very much." In fact, being Catholic, I want to suffer so I can offer it up to the souls in Purgatory, so the more I suffer the better. Let the Lord bring the pain because I will not be broken. I am very strong and yes, my grief does hurt very much, but that is only between me, ---- & the Lord above. I won't let other people see how much my grief hurts. It doesn't have to effect how I live my life. Life - Yes, my life has a purpose, but I have no clue what it is. I have always known that God has a plan for us and it wasn't until -----'s death that I've really realized how powerless we are with God's plan. I've always been one to let the chips fall where they may, God will sort it out and -----'s death has reinforced that. I don't sweat the outcome of my life or where I will end up. I have no control over my life, I just go with the flow and let God dictate everything. He gives me gut feelings and instincts. So, while, I may hate what has happened in my life with regards to God taking the only man I have ever loved, I have to accept it as God's will. God has a plan, I don't have to like it, only accept it. I don't think my life is meaningless, I just don't know the meaning and probably none of us ever will until we get to Heaven. Future - My thoughts about the future haven't changed too much about since -----'s death. I've never sweated the future, why? We could die tomorrow. I have always thought that, even before ----. I live for today; in the moment. I don't worry about my future. I have a well paying job, a lot of friends, great family and my retirement package and benefits have me set up for my future. I focus on things that will last like family and friends. If I lose my job, who cares, I'm smart and can get another one, if I lose my house, that's okay too, I have land to build one on. If I lose my land that's okay, I have family or friends all over to stay with and if I lose my family and friends I always have God when it's all said and done. So whatever happens, my future will be just fine. To me, nothing can be worse than losing -----, so I feel I will never experience this kind of pain again. I suppose if that changes and I do experience this kind of pain again, I will have good practice and I believe my coping skills are far better than most. I am convinced about only one thing in my future and I don't believe it is an unhelpful thought although others may argue, but I know me best and I know it is true. That is I will never be with any man ever again. It took me 30 years to find ----- and if I ever had any thoughts or inclinations that someone better might be out there I would have never said "yes" when he asked me to marry him. So that to me is a fact and I am still exploring the possibility of becoming a sister/nun. So take that thought as what you will, but I have no desire to be with anyone ever again. This life is short and it won't be long until we'll all be up above in Heaven; very happy!!

God

A letter from my mom. I'm not sure really what to add except I have thought God brought you into my life so you could find him through me. Or He brought me into your life. Anyhow, I've thought that a time or two, but I would also like to think it was more than that. I don't feel like our relationship was fulfilling some purpose only, we had more than that. We were connected, there was a connection there that was unreal. I could've brought God into your life without being in love with you (or vice versa). Plus Lee is the one who ignited the spark, we talked about it, but it wasn't until that day when you came home from the gym that you really started asking questions and being interested. I put the seed in your head and Lee "watered" it.

I sure miss you and my only hope in life is just being with you again. I want it to happen so soon. I think about you a lot. Especially this time of year with work. Everyone is talking about Scott and 48U. I think screw Scott and 48U, I'm so tired of hearing about him. I hate him and I don't even know him. That makes me mad. All the talk about PSD and helitorch crap makes me mad and I just wish people would shut up about it around me. I had to go to ------ once and I fought back tears all day. I think back to all the times we were in the helicopter together doing PSD and all the beautiful flights we took. I hate my memories. Why do people think they are special? They make me hurt, hurt, hurt and hurt more. I think about you all the time though honey. I will be single forever and I look forward and enjoy my faithfulness to you. There will never be another. I am getting a tattoo of a cross with your name over my heart. I'm going to do that over Memorial weekend, the day we were supposed to get married. Which reminds me I need to surf the net and get some ideas for some crosses. I love you honey and that's forever, it will NEVER go away. You will always be my heart!! Love you forever, for all my eternity, your BabygirlI wanted to share with you my conversation I got into with my friend on the bus. 3 of us were just normal chit chatting with one topic leading to another which ended up talking about kids. It ended up with John talking about his son and for some reason mentioned it was his son’s second marriage at age 26 and that the son’s first wife died suddenly of a heart attack 5 years ago, (no one had a clue she had heart problems so it was a real shock), and he was telling me how hard her death was for him (John). At this time I really began to listen because his experience was mirroring my experience with -----’s death, he said even tho he dearly loved his daughter in law he found himself grieving for his son more than the daughter in law and didn’t think a lot of people really understood that. I knew what he meant because that is what had happened to me and told him. We both agreed that as a parent this is something that we could not fix or make better for our child and it was so hard to accept that it couldn’t be done. He went onto say how she was her son’s perfect angel, the one he had waited for and were completely compatible and to me that was like you and ------. John and his family are a religious family where at first the son’s wife was not but she also accepted God, just as ------- did. The whole scenario was so like ours but in reverse. John said he thought God brought her into his son’s life so the son could bring her into God’s life because it was time for her to go and God wanted her with him. I also thought the same with ----- that you were his angel and brought God into his life because it was his time and God wanted him with him. It was kind of eerie to hear basically the same event happening with John. Peace be with us all.