Sep 28, 2006

So Much Left Un-did

I'm trying not to think of you too in depth. I miss you so much. I had a great thing for 3 years. The best thing of my life and now it's gone. I miss what we had and I miss what was to come. There was so much left un-did. I could say un-said, but we always said how much we meant to each other...so we didn't leave anything unsaid.
I just miss what we're supposed to have right now. I look at my life now and what it could/should be....I try not to think about it too much cuz it really sucks and it really hurts. Life with you was really special and enjoyable. It was before you, but you showed me what I'd been missing out on all these yrs. If I would've never met you, I'd never know right now what I'm missing out on. That's what hurts so much. It's not supposed to be this way. You were awesome. You were amazing. I loved every bit of you and every minute with you. Life seems blah without you now. It's hard to get back on track and think life is ok....I'm missing out on you and you were great.
Well, it just sucks and I still try so hard to have a good attitude and not think about you and what I'm missing. It just kills me if I do, so I try. I try, try, try.
Sending you all my heart and soul. All the love from the bottom of my heart. I love you always and forever....you will never be forgotten.....not ever as long as I live. Then when I die I finally get to be with you again! I can't wait. I love you honey, you're the best ever in this whole wide world! Love you, love you, love you. Your baby girl xoxoxoxo

Sep 27, 2006

Never

I was looking at your picture as I was logging on to AOL. I thought of how soft your cheeks were and just how beautiful you are. I could've stared at you for hours back in the day (I'd cry these days, so I couldn't do it for hrs now). You were gorgeous. There's no doubt I will NEVER find anyone as beautiful and gorgeous as you. I was also thinking today of how much we worshipped each other. How gentle, kind, and nice you were to me. You were so respectful. I've never in my life seen a guy treat his girlfriend, fiance or wife as well as you treated me. I was the luckiest girl in the whole wide world. You were soo real. I will seriously NEVER find anyone like you ever again. But that's ok. I had the best in the whole wide world and I am/was so lucky. I thank God for that. I used to thank God for you everyday. Now I just thank God that I got to meet you and be a part of your life. It was the best. Thanks for giving me a taste of heaven. You're the best honey. I love you and miss you terribly. So, so much. I can't wait to be with you again.....soon. I hope. So much love, your baby girl. xoxoxox

Sep 26, 2006

Emptiness

emptiness fills me. i make it through the days, but it's lonely without you. i miss everything about you.
today i had to go to --- for a meeting. at one point during the meeting i thought about calling you for lunch then i said to myself, i can't, he's dead. right then and there the pain was so unbearable, i just wanted to smash the hell out of something, and there was an ache in my gut that wouldn't go away. it bothered me so much i had to get up and go out in the hall and just try to think of something else. i did that until it all went away.
i thought about the time i had a meeting at the resort and you came and picked me up for lunch. i would give anything to be able to do that again. sometimes i miss what we should of had so much, i think that life without it sucks. i'm so unhappy with life now. i know i shouldn't be, but you made it so fulfilling and happy. how can it ever be like that again? i hate how i feel most of the time. i really do. i want to die so bad, just to be with you again. i would never commit suicide, but i do pray to god to take me whenever he's ready. this is something that's so hard. i do my best and i'm making it, but i hate every minute of this.
honey, i miss you so, so much. someday we will be reunited and i will be so happy once again. i love you - all day every day. yours always and forever, your baby girl xoxoxox

Sep 25, 2006

Hurts To Be Without You


The family feared what would become of Wooden when Nellie, his wife of more than 53 years, died of cancer on the first day of spring, 1985. He went 10 years without returning to the Final Four because he would not go alone.

Even today, hearing his wife's name causes him to pause. And, without saying another word, his eyes fill with tears.

"He still pines for her. He misses her so much. He is grateful for everything he has, but it still hurts him to be without her," said Wooden's daughter, Nan Muehlhausen. "The older I get, the more I look like my mother. Daddy loves it, but sometimes it tugs at his heart too because, when he looks at me, it reminds him that she's gone."

Socrates once wrote he was not in fear of death because of the life he lived. And so it is with John Wooden.

There was pleasure in the championships.

Pride in the accomplishments.

But the true joy?

That has been the journey.


Strong Woman

--- sent this fwd to me tonight.
"to one of the strongest women I know" she says. honey, i know i'm strong, but sometimes i feel so, so weak. i don't feel strong at all a lot of times. i feel out of control. over the edge. out of touch. anything but strong. i miss you so much. i wanted to spend the rest of my life with you sharing, commiting, respecting, loving, sacrificing. I wanted to live my life with you and for you. it hurts so much to not be able to share with you. i wanted to be so loyal, loving and caring to you. i love you so much - i wish u were here so i could keep sharing my love with you.
i love you...i will always. your baby girl oxoxoxox

To one of the strongest women I know . . .

The Woman
>> >>
>> >> When God created woman he was working late.
>> >> On the 6th day An angel came by and said: "Why spend so much
>> >>time on that one?"
>> >> And the Lord answered: "Have you seen all the specifications I
>> >>have to meet to shape her?"
>> >> "She must be washable, but not made of plastic, have more than
>> >>200 moving parts which all must be replaceable
>> >> And she must function on all kinds of food, she must be able to
>> >>embrace several kids at the same time, give a hug that can heal
>> >>anything
>>from a bruised knee to a broken heart and she must do all
>> >>this with only two hands".
>> >>
>> >> The angel was impressed. "Just two hands....impossible!" And
>> >> this is the standard model?! "Too much work for one
>> >>day....wait until
>> >> tomorrow and then complete her".
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> "I will not", said the Lord. "I am so close to complete this
>> >>creation, which will be the favorite of my heart".
>> >> "She cures herself when sick and she can work 18 hours a day". The

>> >> angel came nearer and touched the woman.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> "But you have made her so soft, Lord"
>> >>
>> >> "She is soft", said the Lord, "But I have also made her
>>strong.
>> >>You can't imagine what she can endure and overcome."
>> >>
>> >> "Can she think?" the angel asked.
>> >>
>> >> The Lord answered: "Not only can she think, she can reason and
>> >>negotiate."
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> The angel touched the woman's cheek....
>> >> "Lord, it seems this creation is leaking! You have put too many
>> >> burdens on her."
>> >>
>> >> "She is not leaking....it's a tear" the lord corrected the angel
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> "What's it for?" asked the angel.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> And the Lord said: "Tears are her way of expressing grief, her
>> >>doubts, her love, her loneliness, her suffering and her
>>pride."
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> This made a big impression on the angel; "Lord, you are genius.
You
>> >> thought of everything. The woman is indeed marvelous!"
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> Indeed she is! Woman has strengths that amazes man. She can
>> >>handle trouble and carry heavy burdens.
>> >> She holds happiness, love and opinions.
>> >> She smiles when feeling like screaming.
>> >> She sings when she feels like crying,
>> >> cries when she is happy and laughs when she is afraid.
>> >> She fights for what she believes in.
>> >> Stand up against injustice.
>> >> She doesn't take "no" for an answer, when she can see a better
>>
>> >>solution.
>> >> She gives herself so her family can thrive.
>> >> She takes her friend to the doctor if she is afraid.
>> >> Her love is unconditional.
>> >> She cries when her kids are victorious.
>> >> She is happy when her friends do well.
>> >> She is glad when she hears of a birth or a wedding.
>> >> Her heart is broken when a next of kin or friend dies.
>> >> But she finds the strength to get on with life.
>> >> She knows that a kiss and a hug can heal a broken heart.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> There is only one thing wrong with her.She forgets what she is
>> >>worth...

It was great to talk to you the other night. How amazing that we were both thinking of each other at the same time. Hope the coaches clinic was a blast! Talk to you soon.

Beyond The Love Of The Game

BEYOND THE LOVE OF THE GAME
Timeless Lessons from “The Coach”

by Greg Asimakoupoulos

John Wooden was born only 19 years after the game of basketball was invented and went on to become arguably the greatest college basketball coach of all time. His coaching feats — most notably leading the UCLA Bruins to 10 NCAA championships in 12 years, including seven in a row from 1967 to 1973 — probably will never be repeated.

Now 95 years old, Coach Wooden has not lost his love for the game. This month he’ll watch March Madness as he has for most of his life. But as he follows the road to the Final Four each year, the revered coach sees more in a game of hoops than most.

“Sports not only holds a place of importance in my heart, it holds a place of unparalleled significance in our culture,” John says. “But while some suggest the game develops character, I’m more inclined to say that sports [including basketball] reveals character.”

Coach, as his former players still call him, has had many years to refine and reflect on his philosophies of leadership and achievement. He has written several books on the subjects, including Coach Wooden’s Pyramid of Success. Through the tests of time, character and success in life still matter more to John than his legendary success on the court.

“There is only one kind of a life that truly wins, and that is the [life of] one who places faith in the hands of the Savior,” he says. “Until that is done, we are on an aimless course that runs in circles and goes nowhere. Material possessions, winning scores and great reputations are meaningless in the eyes of the Lord, because He knows what we really are. That is all that matters.”

Love of the Game
John discovered his love for basketball early in life. He was born in Martinsville, Ind., in 1910 just as the game’s popularity was sweeping the United States. (Basketball itself was invented by James Naismith in 1891 in a Springfield, Mass., YMCA.) As an 8-year-old, John stuffed rags in his mother’s stockings and shot his “ball” at a tomato basket his father had nailed to a wall in their barn.

As a teenager, John led his high school basketball team to an Indiana state championship. Later, the Purdue University Boilermakers won the 1932 national championship thanks to John’s accurate shot and disciplined play. John was named College Player of the Year.

John played pro ball for seven seasons after college, but his love for the game fully blossomed in his role as a coach. From 1948 to 1975 he courted unparalleled success as the head coach of the UCLA Bruins. Though other coaches have totaled more career wins, no one has matched the dominance of John’s teams. You want to talk dynasty? During John’s coaching years, the Bruins set records with four perfect 30-0 seasons, 88 consecutive victories, 38 straight NCAA tournament victories, 20 Pacific-10 Conference championships and, of course, the 10 national titles.

Love of a Woman
As much as John loves basketball, he loved his wife far more. Nellie was his high school sweetheart, and the two wed in 1932 after John’s graduation from Purdue. It was a marriage, marked by storybook commitment and romance, that lasted until Nellie’s death in 1985.

“In my marriage to Nellie,” John says, “I learned how important it is to find peace in yourself so that you can overlook the flaws in others. My marriage also taught me how to work through misunderstandings. The devotion I had for my wife allowed me to overcome all kinds of obstacles.”

Even though it’s been 21 years since Nellie lost her lengthy battle with cancer, John continues to honor her memory by writing a letter each month.

“In each letter I express my love and confess how much I miss her,” John says. “I also chronicle the activities of our children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.”

Love of God
Although John can’t point to a moment when he fully surrendered his life to Christ, he knows when it didn’t happen. As a 17-year-old he went forward at church, simply going through the motions in order to please his sweetheart.

“I did it for Nellie and my folks,” John admits. “But it wasn’t real. I didn’t know Jesus as my personal Savior at that time.”

The coach credits his wife as being his primary influence in developing a deeply personal and authentic faith. By consistently living out her faith and insisting that John go to church with her, Nellie eventually saw her husband give his heart to Jesus in slam-dunk surrender.

John’s spiritual commitment greatly impacted his life work.

“There’s no way I can fully describe how my faith in Christ has influenced the way I coached,” John says. “It gave me an inner serenity in the face of stressful situations. It also motivated me to treat my players and colleagues with a degree of understanding that was beyond my natural ability. By learning to accept people and circumstances I didn’t fully agree with, I was able to act in ways I wouldn’t later regret.”

John continues to accept speaking engagements across the nation each year. Although he hasn’t coached collegiate ball for 31 years, John hasn’t forgotten how to differentiate between winning on the court and winning in life.

Sep 22, 2006

Another Dream

Yay, I had another dream about you last night. This time you were affectionate back to me. We were upstairs in the house I grew up in. We were in my old bedroom and actually we were being very affectionate - we were laying in my closet, but everytime things started getting hot n heavy we'd hear someone coming up the stairs so we'd stop. No one ever came in my room. I'm not sure how long this went on.....I don't remember much more of the dream. Oh yeah, you were telling me how beautiful I was, how you loved my body, how you loved everything about me. I remember being self conscioius cuz in the dream my muscles were really big and I didn't think you'd like that, but you did like it and it made me feel good, thinking that you loved me for me. I can't remember anything else after that, at least not anything with you involved. I did keep dreaming about our work 6 pk. and the light bar. Like I was living in there and someone tried to break in and I had to flip the lights on (the emergency lights on top) and then I chased 'em and tried to run em over. It was night time. And I remember I was in ----. Then I remember being at some conference with a big crowd/audience. I sat next to someone I knew (can't remember who now). Next thing I know I'm sitting next to --- and ---. Then I remember someone telling me about dad being at --- funeral and I clarified, "my sister" and they said no, your dads friend. I was confused so I ran home (I was at the ---- Rd.) and I remember running by ---- on the highway. He was walking with some other man. I ran right by them. After that is when I got to what looked like a conference. Maybe that was supposed to be the funeral???? Anyway, that's all I can remember, but the main thing is I dreamt about you and you were so nice, loving and caring. Just like you always were. The main thing I remember was just that you were so full of unconditional love and you loved me just for me. Thanks honey, I need dreams like that. They make my day go so much easier! I love you forever and always. I will NEVER forget you. Love you back unconditionally, your baby girl xoxoxox

Sep 21, 2006

Dream

Just when I start to feel so far, far away from you, you come to me in a dream. To the best of my recall, my dream went something like this: it's like you had never died. You were just gone. You'd be on a job somewhere or I was on a fire, actually I think it was the latter. I called you and I was around a bunch of people. When you answered on went on and on "honey, i love you so much. You're so beautiful. I miss you so much. I can't wait to see you, etc. etc." I was pouring it on thick. I don't remember what you were saying back, but I finally got to see you and we were just sitting next to each other and I think I was running my fingers through your hair and maybe kissing your cheeks. It was like I was smothering you and you were preoccupied with something. In my dream it didn't bother me. It was like we saw each other all the time and I was just being my usual smothering self while you were trying to do something. :) When I woke up I was happy I dreamt about you. Of course, I got to thinking....damn, I wish he would've hugged or kissed me back. So it only bothered me when I woke up. In my dream we were just happy and normal....just like it used to be. All in all I was in a much better mood today. For realz, dreaming about you makes it ok. I'll take a dream about you....always, I really will. It's like I really saw you, that's how real my dreams feel. Thanks for coming to me in dreams, you really do make me feel better. I hope it never ends. There was probably more to my dream, I know there was, but I couldn't remember all of it when I woke up. I'm pretty sure --- and/or --- were in it at some point. I'm gonna go to bed now. For realz honey thank you so, so much for coming to me in my dreams, I need it, I really do. You make it all better. I love you always...of course, I miss you so, so much. I'd give anything to see you again. I sooo can't wait to make it to Heaven so we can be together again. I love you with all my heart and soul. Forever yours, your baby girl xoxox

Sep 20, 2006

Bad Day

I'm still sad. I seem to cry randomly now more than ever. I think I just really need to get away from here. I have a lot of good books I'd like to read, but I get sucked into this computer. Now that I have satellite internet there's so many cool things to explore, lots of good vids on YouTube.
I know you saw my day today. It sucked from the get go. I was gonna get wood with dad. Truck wouldn't start. My dumb ass tried to use ether to start it - just one quick shot, still wouldn't start, so I thought no harm done. I ended up having to drive all the way into ----- to buy some damn glow plugs. You know you must have really loved me. What a pain in the ass it was to put those things in! Thanks, I love you for that. Got 'em in. Dad ended up driving here. Good thing cuz when I started my pick up it was knocking and he said it was from me spraying that ether. Damn it. So he said a piston or a rod was broke and as soon as I drove it it would send the rod through my engine block or something like that. Well, that really sucks. I finally get some xtra money so I could pay off my bills and I'm faced with a new one...buying a new pickup. We bagged that and we decided to finish putting my hoop up. Long story short, it fell onto the rim, bent it. The other one I had wouldn't fit. The drill we needed to make it fit, well, the charger wouldn't work and we couldn't find yours that went with your sears craftsman set. So we bagged that and rebent the bent rim back. Finally got it back, put the hoop up, but i was about 3 bags short of quik krete so now i gotta go buy some more bags of that. what a piece of crap day. didn't get any firewood. lost my pickup. spent 200 bucks on crappy oil for my furnace and i still need about another 200 or 300 to top it off....thats 400 i've put in so far. why can't i just get some xtra money and save it or put it towards the property or something. i could start saving for a house. well, to build a house on the property. shit, whatever. i'm not used to things going right or being ez, so who gives a f***. in the end it never matters anyway. nothing does. i know everything happens for a reason, but i'm getting tired of the way things happen. i understand and believe everything happens for a reason, but that doesn't mean i have to like it. i try and have tried to have a good attitude...well, i'm just tired of it. i'm tired of being around people. i'm tired of pretending to be happy. i'm tired of faking a smile. i'm tired of being nice when all i feel like is busting someones head open or crying. there's usually no middle. i'm tired of trying. it's tiring. i feel like just folding, caving in. just giving up. if i live here then i can stay trapped with no vehicle...i won't have to make excuses to visit people....i wouldn't mind. i might go kinda stir crazy but i don't really care. at least i'd be livin' cheap. or ---- says i can live with her. i guess that would be ok....whatever. i don't know, guess it doesn't matter right now. probably won't even sweat it for a couple of months. right now i really don't give a ... work sucks. living sucks. i just feel dead inside. ya know how you feel alive, like when we were in love. nothing could stop us, we were alive. now it's so empty, so, so empty. i don't even want to write anymore....i just wanna veg. i'm so sad. i'm just gonna go to bed now. no matter how low i go, i still love you...always and no matter what. always. i will always love you. forever and ever. your tired baby girl oxoxoxoxox

Sep 18, 2006

Sinking In

Somedays it just really sinks in. I think now that I'm not so busy (been busy since you've died)....it's all sinking in. I went through our cell phones and copied our texts messages that we sent to each other. Also the times we called each other. I bet we talked 20 or 30 times in the two days before it happened. I am the last person you called before you died. Once at 3 something a.m. and then once again at 4 something a.m. Yeah, you woke me up but I never cared. Never. Thank God for that. So I think of the days before you left. We got to spend a lot of time together before you left. I stayed with you in --- and after you left, I left for home. It sucks remembering 'the phone call' - "we lost -----" That's the worst thing in the whole wide world, I would never wish that upon anybody. It hurts me right now. It's really hitting home and the pain is real. I have this pit in my stomach that sucks. It won't go away. I cry all the time now. I miss you so bad. This isn't fair. It's hard to comprehend that I will NEVER see you on this earth again. I don't know how I'm gonna make it. I'm so sad and depressed. I don't want to go to work this week. I'm so tired of work and trying to be happy. I swear I dislike almost everyone I work with (besides the C-town peeps). I like --, --, --, --, --, --, --, --, -- and --. Even with those guys I have to pretend to be ok. It just gets old and I'm getting so tired. Everyone else just kind of bugs me. I don't want to be around them. I'm supposed to go to Orting this coming weekend, then Olympia, then Seattle. Oh, then go see -- and --. I guess just everywhere. I don't want to cram this all into a small amount of time. I think I might just take off sometime this week. I'm thinking about saying 'screw work' and just do something. I don't know what. I really don't want to be around people. All I ever wanted was someone like you. I finally met someone I wanted to be around and now you're gone. I don't understand why. I haven't done bad things in my life, I've done stupid things, but my heart is good. Why would God do this to me? Look at all the bad people that have someone to share their life with. I don't get it. Honey, I miss you so much. I wish I could be gone and just be with you right now. All I want is just one hug from you. Just to hold me for a second. This is not getting better, it hurts me so much. Sometimes it really is unbearable. I just wish I could smash something. I don't know how to make the pain go away. I'm tired of working and burying it. I just need to let it surface. It sucks, but I'm tired of faking it. Well, I guess I'll go to bed now. I really miss you...so, so much. I hope you still think of me and I hope you'll be waiting for me when I get to Heaven. Please don't ever stop loving me or thinking about me. I won't forget you ..... ever. And I'll never stop loving you. Your the best ever in this whole world. I love you my K-dub. FOREVER.

6 Months

well, it's 6 months. what can i say. i'm sad. i'm lonely. i wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish you were still here. i wanted to share my life with you. it wasn't supposed to be this way. the world spins around me now and i feel stuck in time. like you just left for work and i'm here alone waiting for you. i had a dream about you last night. you were alive and i kept trying to call you but i couldn't get your number right. i was forgetting it. what's funny is i wasn't thinking today and by habit i dialed it (never pushed send) and realized what i was doing. so in the dream i finally got you and you were with ---- and --- and i missed all of you so much. and i missed all of us together like the old days. i was crying, pretty much begging you, that i would give up everything - my house, my job, just everything so i could come be with you. i was crying so much and i wanted it so bad. more than anything. after that i woke up. the thing is, i would give it all up to be able to be with you again. you'd think 6 months would be a little easier, but looking back i really prefer the first month or two. at least than i was numb and people maybe understood or at least tried. now they think it's all good, they assume i should be normal or ok and if anything it's worse now than it was then. this last month was really, really hard. i was on the go a lot with fires. 16+ hr days, day in and day out made me tired. then add you to the equation. a lot of memories surfaced. too many helicopters, i'm so damn tired of working with helicopters. no pilot has been as good as you or as fun to work with. every time the ship would fly into ----, i'd wish so bad it would be like old times and it would be you. i'd always look to see who the pilot was. maybe, just maybe this would all be a bad dream and you would walk into the office. i had a fire on ---- hill and it had the same landscape as the ------- fire. remember the one i let ---- --- i.c. and you worked with us. i hiked up through that crappy alder brush every morning just to talk to you on my cell phone. just to listen to see if i had a message from you. i still have the "you're starting to grow on me" message. i've got it saved to mp3. i'll never forget that time in my life. i'd lay there at night and look at the stars thinking about you. i was so in love i couldn't even sleep, all i could think about was you. it's just like now, i was almost sick being away from you. even that early in our 'relationship', even that early it sucked so bad to be on the ground away from you and you were in the air. i couldn't even see your face, only hear your voice on the radio and my cell phone. i really couldn't wait to get off that fire so i could see you and spend time with you. that's probably when i knew i loved you. now when i lay on the ground on fires and look at the stars i want to cry my eyes out cuz i'm here all alone and i don't have you to look forward too. i miss you just the same or more and i want to hurry and get off the fire so i can see you, but then i remember you're not here and what's the hurry. why get off the fire so quickly, it's not the past and you won't be waiting for me. instead i have nothing to come home to. it's sad, but i really do try to focus on ..... well, i don't know what, but i don't dwell on the hurt, the pain, what i'm missing. i'd really be suffering if i let myself fall into that downward spiral. i got to go back to church today, it really feels good. i don't like that i missed two weeks in a row. once again i thought father joe was speaking right at me. there were even times it sounded like his voice cracked. i really like him. he was speaking on suffering and why god puts us through suffering. that he would never put us in a hole deeper than him/her. he spoke on this thought: if we didn't suffer, we couldn't be teachers to others who suffer. we wouldn't be able to relate to those who suffer. he also said probably the main reason for us to suffer is that is when we are closest to god. he is with us at those times. well, he's with us all the time, but we turn to him in those times. ya know how life is all good and maybe you don't pray enough or there just aren't reasons to turn to god/to lean on god. during times of suffering we are calling out for god and his/her help. so father says a reason for us to suffer is that it brings us closer to god. i would've preferred that you and me together became closer to god....and we were on that path, that's why it's hard for me to understand sometimes. i don't know. will we ever know. do know that i think about you all day. you are constantly in my thoughts. my idle mind thinks of you constantly. you can guarantee if i'm home alone chillin, driving down the highway alone or at work alone, i am thinking of you, that is a guarantee. when i'm with people i am thinking of you too, but i try hard to focus on them, so i don't seem like a space case....sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. :) it's weird, i think of you in different sort of ways. like in church i see a guy who had a shirt like you. i see a guy who had hair like you. as i'm driving if i see a car or truck like yours i look in it. i'm always looking in a crowd for you. it's like i think i'm going to see you. i don't know what i'm looking for, it's always you. i guess i still have hope that poof, there you'll be. it's just a habit. i'm always looking out for you....in cars that drive by, people that i pass, phone calls or messages.....in my mind it could be you at any time. i know it's kinda weird, but that's just how it is. there was an article in the sunday paper today "if one more day", it's based on a book by mitch albom (coming out shortly). what would you do if someone who had died close to you came back and you had one more day. who would it be and what would you do? it used to be my grandpa ------ that i never met, but now it would be you for sure. and if i could get just one more day, i would first hug you so hard and long my arms would probably fall asleep and fall off. :) i would mainly just want to spend a normal day with you. doing anything. just making memories, being together, laughing, smiling and having fun. just how it used to be. i would want ---- to be there too cuz i know how much you love her and how much she loves and misses you. of course, i love and miss ---- too, so i'd want to see her as well. so i wouldn't have anything special planned, just a beautiful day with a beautiful man. you will always be special in my heart honey. i will never forget you. as you know, i miss you tremendously and i really do look forward to the day i pass so i can join you in heaven. I love you with all my heart and soul....see you soon (i hope so bad). so much love, forever and ever, your baby girl oxoxoxox

Sep 16, 2006

Feel You With Me

Met a smokejumper who was on the ---- Fire with us when we first met. He talked about his wife who just had a kid. Ya know what I wished I could be telling him? "remember that pilot we had? yeah, we got married, isn't that cool?" I wanted to brag about you, that we were married. Instead he talked about his wife and kid and I spaced off and thought about 'that should be us' How am I supposed to focus. He said that was one of his best fires/memories ever. Yeah, me too.
I also thought of you today cuz the Cougs played Baylor in Seattle today (they won). So that's means a year ago today you and me were in Seattle watching the Cougs play Grambling. I have 2 pictures of you and me at that game. I love you so much. I miss all we shared, I miss what we don't have now....is that possible, to miss something you don't have but know you should?
I don't know much else to write. Just kinda numb and tired. Missing you a lot, but I feel hopeless and helpless. There's nothing ever I can do for the rest of my life to see or be with you. Just heaven. Sometimes I think we have an aura or energy. Maybe you can't physically see me, but you feel me. You feel my aura in Heaven. So when I am happy you can feel me. When I hurt you can feel me and know that I am hurting. So I think when I'm driving home and I feel nothing, just numb. You have a hard time feeling me. Your energy is out there or your soul cuz I know you have no physical being, so your energy/soul does not feel much from me. When I start to hurt or cry you can feel that. When I laugh or have fun with people you can feel that I am ok, even if it's just for a second or minute. Maybe that doesn't make since but I know you feel me....well, maybe you can see me, but for sure feel me. You know how you get chills or shivers out of the blue? Sometimes I'll be driving and I'll get a chill that runs through me. I don't know why I'm so sure, but I'm sure it's you. You are there with me at that time.
Well, I guess I'll go to bed. Church early tomorrow and I'm really tired from all these fires and 16 hr. days. I was also wondering what this summer would've been like if you were still here. Either I wouldn't have seen you much or we'd be together and work would be so mad at me for missing out. I know one thing, I'd be poor as hell. But then again we would've been married and our money would've been together. Anyway, I'm gonna go to bed now. I love you always so much and I will forever....no matter how long forever is. I love you so much honey - you're the best ever. love always, your baby girl xoxoxox

Sep 15, 2006

Hellen Keller Quotes



Both of these made me think of you. The first one is so true, you became a part of me, now you're gone and there's nothing left but a hole. The second quote also holds true, although I can't see or touch you, I feel you deeply with my heart all day, every day. Honey, I love you always. Miss you so much and I wish us to be together sooner than later. xoxox your baby girl.

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.
Helen Keller

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
Helen Keller

Sep 13, 2006

Miss U (Like Usual)

I'm home at 9. I'm finally getting home before 10 or 11. It's been so busy. I hope you know my lack of writing you has nothing to do with me feeling any less love for you. It's just that I'm up at 430/500 and home at 1000/1030. I shower and I'm off to bed. It's been like this for over 2 wks. Well, longer than that, but it's been over 2 wks. since I've had a day off. the worst thing is missing church. I don't like that at all. Well, a lot has happened, I want to write about it all now but I'd probably be on here forever. I'll write ya a good one tomorrow (if I get home early) or the next day. I have a feeling I'll be going back to normal hrs. soon. It's supposed to rain tonight...or I think I'll be getting my days off (Sun/Mon). Either way I will write you a lot soon. Plus it will be 6 months on sunday, so I want to write you your monthly letter. I'm pretty beat up and tired. I have cuts all over, a broken finger and my legs are heavy. I still run 3 or 4 miles every morning that I can come home from fires. Usually about 3 times a week, sometimes even 4 or 5 times. I've had some fires with some good hikes. A mile one way in, a 2.5 one way in, a 5.5 mile one way in. I'm sure there's more. I'll try to tally em all later. Just been going, going, going. It's been good and bad. It's good cuz it kinda keeps my mind occupied and keeps me outta depression from losing you. But it also drains me even more. I already feel emotionally tapped. when I add being tired from no sleep and physically tired, it all compounds and I either feel ready to snap and kick someones ass or I feel on the verge of tears all the time. That's pretty much how I've been feeling the last couple months. so ready to snap. it's taxing. I'm trying my best, it's just hard. Nothing makes losing you easy or better. I want you next to me so much. I think about you constantly. I miss you so much and would give anything to have you waiting for me when I get home. I lay there at night (on my fires) and think how lonely this world is without you and I wonder why it all had to be like this. You know how you wait your whole life for that perfect person.....that was me and I really did. What do you do when you wait your whole life for that person and then they're gone. I don't know about the rest of my life anymore. I'm afraid it will be so empty. I'll put on a happy face and go forward cuz that's the way the ball bounces, but I will never be able to forget. Not ever. You were the best. I miss you, I miss us, I miss our family. I miss it all so much....I seriously would give anything to have it all back. It's sad, but I really am trying. Sometimes it's just so hard and I want to give up. I know you wouldn't want that and I really do think about being happy and cheerful just like you always were. I try to be the next you; the girl version. I'm gonna just chill now, I'll write more later. I do love you so much and you were the best thing ever to happen to my life and I will always be ready to leave here and be with you in Heaven. I love you honey. I always will. xoxoxox your baby girl.

Sep 6, 2006

The Ant And The Contact Lens



Brenda was almost halfway to the top of the tremendous granite cliff. She was standing on a ledge where she was taking a breather during this, her first rock climb. As she rested there, the safety rope snapped against her eye and knocked out her contact lens . "Great", she thought. "Here I am on a rock ledge, hundreds of feet from the bottom and hundreds of feet to the top of this cliff, and now my sight is blurry." She looked and looked, hoping that somehow it had landed on the ledge. But it just wasn't there. She felt the panic rising in her, so she began praying. She prayed for calm, and she prayed that she may find her contact lens. When she got to the top, a friend examined her eye and her clothing for the lens, but it was not to be found. Although she was calm now that she was at the top, she was saddened because she could not clearly see across the range of mountains. She thought of the bible verse "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth." She thought, "Lord, You can see all these mountains. You know every stone and leaf, and You know exactly where my contact lens is. Please help me." Later, when they had hiked down the trail to the bottom of the cliff they met another party of climbers just starting up the face of the cliff. One of them shouted out, "Hey, you guys! Anybody lose a contact lens?" Well, that would be startling enough, but you know why the climber saw it? An ant was moving slowly across a twig on the face of the rock, carrying it! The story doesn't end there. Brenda's father is a cartoonist. When she told him the incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and the contact lens, he drew a cartoon of an ant lugging that contact lens with the caption, "Lord, I don't know why You want me to carry this thing. I can't eat it, and it's awfully heavy. But if this is what You want me to do, I'll carry it for You." I think it would do all of us some good to say, "God, I don't know why You want me to carry this load. I can see no good in it and it's awfully heavy. But, if You want me to carry it, I will." God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. Yes, I do love GOD. He is my source of existence and my Savior. He keeps me functioning each and every day Without Him, I am nothing, but with Him....I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. (Phil. 4:13)

Sep 5, 2006

I'll Be Over You


Toto - I'll Be Over You
Some people live their dreams
Some people close their eyes
Some peoples destiny
Passes by

There are no guarantees
There are no alibis
Thats how our love must be
Dont ask why

It takes some time
God knows how long
I know that I can forget you

As soon as my heart stops breakin
Anticipating
As soon as forever is through
Ill be over you

Remembering times gone by
Promises we once made
What are the reasons why
Nothing stays the same

There were the nights holding you close
Someday Ill try to forget them
Someday Ill be over you
This is so true honey....."as soon as forever is through I'll be over you" You've touched me deeply and I love you for that. I can't wait for us to be together again in heaven. Honey, I love you with all my heart and soul.

Sep 4, 2006

Thought Of You

Today I thought of you....as I was walking the ------ fire I listened to "2 Pops" (your old ship). I think ----- was the pilot, he was so professional and soft spoken. It made me think back to you and how you were on the radio. You were so nice, kind & professional. On top of that you were cheerful and funny. Everyone loved you. It made me think of what a nice person you were, that everyone who knew you loved you. One time a while back you sent me an email telling me how lucky you were I picked you cuz everyone was drawn to me. You thought you were lucky I picked you. You don't know how much that holds true for me. I know I've told you before, but I am the lucky one (I was the lucky one). Everybody loved you. You could've been with so many people, but you picked me. I am so lucky to have loved you and have been loved by you. I'm thankful for whatever it is about me that drew you to me. :) I was so, so lucky to be with you. Thank you so much for picking me, loving me and treating me like a queen. I will NEVER forget how well you treated me. You were so thoughtful & kind. You were a true gentlemen. It was not above you to write the sappiest emails or leave the most loving messages. And of course, tell me to my face, how beautiful I was. You didn't care how moooshy we looked, what you cared about was that I knew how you felt. I can't even imagine anyone treating me that good again. I can only pray for that and if it never happens that's ok too cuz I experienced the best, a piece of heaven, an angel. Some is better than never. I was the luckiest girl alive, I will always believe that. Thank you so much for loving me honey. I was truly blessed by you and God sent me an angel when he sent me you. I love you always and I will never forget you. Time may pass, but I will always remember how you loved me and how I loved you. As you once said, "we are nothing less than perfect" Love forever, your baby girl

Wish U Were Here

I'd give anything to be sending this to you while you were off away fighting a fire or just logging. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you this morning....sometimes I check my email outta habit just hoping there's something from you. I know, it's dumb, but I can't help it. Sometimes I just want this all to be a big mistake and you're out there somewhere. Like you're in the military or something...you might be gone a year, two or three and I'm just waiting for you to come home. I don't know why I always imagine that you'll be waiting for me at home or just maybe I'll come home and there will be a message from you on my answering machine. Or maybe when I check my messages on my cell, one would actually be from you. I just want you to be back so bad. Life is strange without you. I miss what we had and from the bottom of my heart it really was something so special, something that can never be duplicated. I love you for giving me the best years of my life. I can't wait to see you again someday....I hope it's soon. I love you honey, I really do, so much more than I could ever express with words. I'll always love you...always! your baby girl. xoxoxox

Sep 3, 2006

Through Glass

This is a new song from Stone Sour I heard on the way home tonight from the ----- fire. The italicized lyrics make me think of you. Looking the glass reminds me of looking at your picture(s). I miss you so much, I just wish this could all be a bad dream and I'd come home and you'd be waiting for me. And this would all be just a big mistake. I wish so bad. I love you always and forever.....no one will ever compare to you. So much love, your baby girl.

Through Glass by Stone Sour
Through Glass

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head


How do you feel, that is the question
But I forget you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes initialized
And folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect a bit of hope
So while you're outside looking in describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

How much is real, so much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins contaminating everything
When thought came from the heart
But never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
null and void instead of voices
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember its just different from what you've seen

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

(Refrain)
And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

(Refrain)
And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you
(Repeat 1)

Who are the stars?
Who are the stars?
They lie…